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i am an RN. It's official.

surprisingly the job i have now counts as my internship so all i have to do is send in the papers and they'll be sending me back my license. incredible.

i feel slightly accomplished. but i know i have no experience so i'm not exactly much worth to the world at the moment. i've got some schemes laid out, but i really can't decide on which one to take. it'd be nice if someone would send me on my way with directions and instructions. it'd be nice if they would be the ones to pick me up and take me in after a few of the many dreams of adventure are over with. or just tell me to wait and they'll include me in theirs. the latter is my preferred option, but who am i kidding? i have a tough time thinking that'll ever come through. so...aside from that i must decide what's best for me. me. is it going straight into the workforce, gain valuable experience for 3 years, and then onto missions. or is it going off on a mini-adventure, gain some overseas experience in medicine, and then return to finish my studies and get 2 1/2 years experience. i'm leaning more towards the latter.

i'm really trying to seek the Lord about it... i've been getting to know Him a little more. i'm reading Donald Miller: Searching For God Knows What. it's brings to light some obvious ideas in the actions of humanity and i find it fantastic. why i do what i do. it just makes sense to me. it also magnifies the whole idea of intimate relationship above our quick and logical step-by-step religion. which takes about 1000 pounds off of my shoulders. i'm so tired of feeling guilty because i don't look the same as everybody else. i just want a relationship with the one who made me...not a quick out to heaven or awesome powers.... i want someone to hold me when i'm sad and set things straight when i'm confused. i want a Man i can call on and count on....someone who'll let me love them...and be loved by them....someone who's interested in knowing me...i'm discovering again that that's who He is... of course there's more to Him, but for now... i just wanna be....

and i'm learning some of the things He doesn't have to be or isn't, too... the cold hard step-by-step path to peace and suffering. the only structured logical decision if we want success. the list of have-to's and don'ts. he's more flexible than all that. more intimate and more open. he's more available than santa clause. and he's more interested than new friend. he's hungry to sit and be along side our up and down roller coaster of life. he likes you.

snigbits 2

if i could take a word or two
and dress it up like me and you
we'd see strength
and hope would be there too
with lips that're sometimes unwise
but if you take a bit of time to look
there's truth behind her eyes

jump into the deep and teach me to sink
take my hand and show me the land
i wanna go
i wanna go
but i'm scared to leap
cuz the skies never weep
makes me wonder if the water's very deep
but if you jumped
i'd jump
and follow you
yeah i'd follow it through

life looks funny through a mirror that's cracked
and i wonder who stands behind my back
who's holding these puppet strings
making me dance to all these petty things...
a whirlwind of time in this world of mine
i can't breathe past you
i can't see past you...

i'm a reaction formationist

Reaction formation reduces anxiety by taking up the opposite feeling, impulse, or behavior. An example of reaction formation would be treating someone you strongly like in an excessively unfriendly manner in order to hide your true feelings. Why do people behave this way? According to Freud, they are using reaction formation as a defense mechanism to hide their true feelings by behaving in the exact opposite manner.
- about.com

great.
the hidden mysteries of defense mechanisms... i can also think of several situations in which i've used a variety of the rest of them... not surprising i guess..after all, i am human. it's just funny reading your story written from a stranger...

snigbits

i can't see past the salt in my eyes
i can't hear from all the lies
tell me again
how's this end
can't breathe
can't sleep
can't run
can't weep
can i pinch a piece of love from your heart
die to this so maybe peace will start
just wanna cry out my fears
waste myself in tears
maybe it'd all wash away
maybe i'd wash away

one chance of a chance
i dare my eyes not to glance
but the hope rises
and my heart forgets
that hope rides away
when will it stay
don't want to wait anymore
don't want to wait anymore

deja vu

i feel so dark... and hopeless i guess... kind of pointless...
i want to call someone up and ask them if they believe in me... but already know what they'll say... of course they do... "but theresa... you've got to believe in yourself first..." how's that again? how do you overcome this? i haven't felt like this for a while... it's hard to hope when shades of grey are creeping in... i'm really too emotional... too sensitive... too unstable... i feel wasted...
they say praise gets you out of the depths... well what if i haven't the strength to look beyond my own circumstance... what if i don't want out because i'm afraid there really isn't an out... or that out never remains...and always falls away... just like people.

this is like deja vu of the dark ages...

patience

yeah... i think i'm a little depressed @ the moment... i felt so inadequate today. i have to remind myself that chris is used to having to direct... since he has no control over himself it makes the opportunity to "control" someone else uh...necessary. i can't imagine having to depend on someone else for everything...

esperar

i want you...and i don't understand why you won't come for me... maybe you're trying and i just can't see...but... be bold, will you? and be straight with me... don't play games... i want something strong in my life... i can't lean on this... am i hoping in air? am i setting my sights on fantasies? or are you just struggling to break through to me? i think you've had enough time to decide if you really want me... i guess if you're still struggling to decide that then ..maybe it's not right.
you know..maybe i'm obsessive or mentally retarded to hold out for so long..i dunno...for one, there were little snigbits of hope i thought... second, you're really something... you're really an amazing person. i love so many things about you it's unreal... i just don't want to let you go...or the hopes of you anyway... i'm sure you don't feel the same way about me... and i'm probably just insane for feeling this way for so long.... it just seemed like you were coming around... always. it seemed like in the next moment you'd decide to chase me... kinda like you're on a trip and you wonder if you're lost but you feel at any moment you'll recognize where the hell you are and so you get yourself a million miles out of route...
what am i waiting for?