dos

...sure everyone has a heart, and feelings, and dreams, and desires... but most people have forgotten those things... they focus on the easiest thing to fill their hearts at the time... drinking, drugs, sex... their hearts are full of shadows...and cobwebs.. or there's just an emptiness to them... a hollowness.. ...i see me on the edge, you know? there's light in me... but am i willing to fight to let it out? ... i want freedom, but i'll have to sacrifice those things that are comforting me now... i know it's worth it... but is it worth it? ... i am one thing, but i'm also another... there are two sides to me. deliberately. i'm ashamed at my decisions and at the same time i sort of accept my fate...

summer vacancy

how shallow can i become?
i used to have such beautiful depth
pure sweet secrets
enclosed in a heart of pearl
a heart of flesh
and now
cobwebs catch from
stone's edge to stone's edge
and shadows fill the void

white water

... i suppose eventually after being caught in a whirl pool for so long, you eventually lose sight of which way is really up...it's possibly the most exhausting thing ever....sometimes tho...seems like i hit a sand bar and i can actually bring my face above the water to breathe for a moment...i can stand...i could walk away if i wanted to fight the strength of the current... but i let the pull take control of me... i disappear again into the white caps of confusion...

fresh

i guess it's time to start with a clean slate...can i do that? ...will society forgive me? will people take me for who i am...or will they only recognize who i was? i guess to some i'll have to prove myself (if that's what i want to focus on) ...and others will decide to take me for who i am, who i can be... and not what i've done... those are the ones i plan to stick to...

the air seems so fresh out here... perhaps because i haven't polluted it...perhaps because God's showing me i can have a second chance at things... i'm thankful... thanks, Lord...

geez...have things changed..i've been through hell and back...that's what it seems..and mostly by choice...I am learning that a great amount of passivity early on in a situation has led me to a year or two of indecisiveness and lack of confidence in my opinions, passions, and conscience. I have made enough mistakes for a lifetime.... I have let my Godly passions fly out the window, along with my goals and my standards for life. I have broken promises, held back the truth, and ignored everything except the dark whirlwind of guilt and shame. I saw nothing but clouds before my eyes and felt nothing but momentary satisfactions followed by instantaneous lack of hope.

and now i've separated myself from situations that had me bound...yet still i suffer from the consequences of my sinful, selfish behavior...however, i'm licking my wounds in a way.. the film around me is slowly wearing thin... freedom is at my fingertips...forgiveness at my door... the light of hope returning to the heart of darkness....

will i ever be the girl i used to be?

fizzled

so it really looks like blogger has fizzled out...guess not so many people are on here...which is good for me...cuz i kind of hated people i knew reading my crap ...people who i didn't really want inside my head....

so things...have changed. i had a man...and now i don't. i was this one girl...and now i'm another girl... kind of vague i know, but that's the best i can do.... i'm a working girl now...30 hours at least a week of work..not to mention 16 hours of classes and a little..okay...a LOT less than that for time spent on homework.... i'm not really the same girl that wrote all that other stuff...yeah...things have changed in the last year or so.... maybe (probably) it's because of the stuff i let seep into my life...the stuff that caught my off guard...but there was good in it...hidden underneath all the garbage there was good...a little glimmer of good....soo...i'm going to spend the next 6 months or prolly more taking out the trash that's piled up.... i really don't know where exactly to start.... it's kind of like walking into a room with dust and cobwebs and piles and piles and piles of clothes everywhere and your jewelry box dumped out in a corner and nonsense articles strewn about...and it makes such a unorganized insane clutter bath that you just sit there and stare for 20 minutes, staring into space thinking of who-knows-what, trying to get your mind off the impossible mess, but in the back of your head the whole time you're wondering where the hell you're supposed to start.... maybe someone will come along and help you get started, maybe you're stuck on you're own and you just gotta pull yourself together and pick up that first piece of trash that you'd wished you'd thrown away in the first place...oh well...i dunno.... Lord help me clean out my heart....

who knows

so i've been away...not just from blogging but a lot of things it seems... life's been different this last year... different than ever. good? bad? better? worse? who knows... i'm different. who am i now? who knows...is it all because of a boy or would it have happened anyway? who knows? maybe i'm not as good of a person as i was before...i'm sure a lot of people think i'm not... does it matter? probably... are things going to change? well, they are... gradually..nothing all at once, but they already are...they have been...the Lord's around... i'm finding more proof about all the truth in my verse "draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." ...i think a lot of my life has been driven by curiousity about what's going on here and there.... and then feeling the need to do to be... i need to go to church, speak up, and live outstandingly to be righteous and passionate.... is it true? that's what i've been thinkin lately... i do want to make a difference...i want the love of God to run through me into the lives of others... maybe i've just been selfish lately huh? me? selfish? surely not... but if anything i've learned that anything can happen to anyone.... think you'll never fall to that? "pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall" prov. 16:18...
Lord, speak to me.
guess i need saved from myself...