organized

i don't feel like i am...i'm sure i'm not...i'm sure i'm missing things...
it's difficult trying to balance the new schedule of a proper job and the importance of it with the new schedule of ongoing studies and the importance of it....
...it's definitely new being here..don't know if it's hit me yet..i don't know that it matters too much..that i'm not at home... i'll eventually miss the family...they understand... life happens...life moves people...but i'm too busy to think about it too much...
...except for him...what am i supposed to think about him?
a part of me wants to forget it...probably all the stress...probably all the change...probably the indecision...
...i hate being a difficult option...i want to be a desired preference... i want to be chosen without having to convince... i want to be the easy one to love... the easy one to commit to... i want to be a "what i've been waiting for," not a "that'll do..." i want to be a blessing, not an obligation...
i wonder where my heart should be?
probably not so deeply hopeful for a forever outcome there.. probably should be more set on finding my place here.. my purpose... Lord, lead me....

waiting...

the future... one big pregnant gift wrapped up in possibilities and promises... it what i'm waiting for.
right now i'm trapped in the transitional-in-between phase of life. if i didn't have plans i'd feel a bit lazy and purposeless... but knowing what's i know is coming frees me from the guilt that a purposeless person might experience and allows me to rest. i'm enjoying this time of nothing. this time i spend reading and thinking and dreaming and resting. if i thought nothing was coming i'd feel restless...i'd feel desperate...for adventure, for something wild, for anything... that's what i'm aiming for. that's what i'm waiting for.

...what am i waiting for?
...what am i wanting?

more. always more. always something so stirring and challenging...my place of peace is on the mountain tops... and when i'm not sure that's where i'm headed i get so restless....so anxious..

back it up theresa... slow it down... rest in the lord... you don't always have to be going somewhere... you gotta be still to be in the refining fire long enough for it to burn you... just be. be. be.

love

(a)blue moon you've been (d)shinin on (a)me
i look at you too long and (d)you're all i (a)see
then when i turn my (d)eyes (a)away
somehow you've turned all my (d) night to (a)day
and i can (d) see
yea i can (a) see

(a) blue moon you hold my (d) heart in your (a) hands
you could lull me to sleep like the (d) waves brush the (a) sands
i lie safe in your twilight just (d) soak in your (a) glow
hang my hopes on the stars 'cause they (d) go where you (a) go
and i feel (d) free
yea i feel (a) free

(g) blue moon you've shined your (d) light on (a) me
(g) i wanna be where ever (d) you're gonna (a) be
so i can (d) see

(a) yeah then all a sudden the (d) dusk turns to (a) day
i stand at my window just (d) wishin you'd (a) stay
but you disappear and the (d) stars do (a) too
so i guess i'll hang my hopes (d) somewhere (a) new
and the stars are gone (d) now
yea they're long (a) gone

(g) i sure liked my (d) time with (a) you
(g) but blue moon i got (d) things to (a) do
(g) so rest in the (d) comfort of the (a) stars
(g) i'll check back to see (d) how you (a) are
but i'm gonna go (d) far
yea i'm gonna go (d) far

new pages

i am an RN. It's official.

surprisingly the job i have now counts as my internship so all i have to do is send in the papers and they'll be sending me back my license. incredible.

i feel slightly accomplished. but i know i have no experience so i'm not exactly much worth to the world at the moment. i've got some schemes laid out, but i really can't decide on which one to take. it'd be nice if someone would send me on my way with directions and instructions. it'd be nice if they would be the ones to pick me up and take me in after a few of the many dreams of adventure are over with. or just tell me to wait and they'll include me in theirs. the latter is my preferred option, but who am i kidding? i have a tough time thinking that'll ever come through. so...aside from that i must decide what's best for me. me. is it going straight into the workforce, gain valuable experience for 3 years, and then onto missions. or is it going off on a mini-adventure, gain some overseas experience in medicine, and then return to finish my studies and get 2 1/2 years experience. i'm leaning more towards the latter.

i'm really trying to seek the Lord about it... i've been getting to know Him a little more. i'm reading Donald Miller: Searching For God Knows What. it's brings to light some obvious ideas in the actions of humanity and i find it fantastic. why i do what i do. it just makes sense to me. it also magnifies the whole idea of intimate relationship above our quick and logical step-by-step religion. which takes about 1000 pounds off of my shoulders. i'm so tired of feeling guilty because i don't look the same as everybody else. i just want a relationship with the one who made me...not a quick out to heaven or awesome powers.... i want someone to hold me when i'm sad and set things straight when i'm confused. i want a Man i can call on and count on....someone who'll let me love them...and be loved by them....someone who's interested in knowing me...i'm discovering again that that's who He is... of course there's more to Him, but for now... i just wanna be....

and i'm learning some of the things He doesn't have to be or isn't, too... the cold hard step-by-step path to peace and suffering. the only structured logical decision if we want success. the list of have-to's and don'ts. he's more flexible than all that. more intimate and more open. he's more available than santa clause. and he's more interested than new friend. he's hungry to sit and be along side our up and down roller coaster of life. he likes you.

snigbits 2

if i could take a word or two
and dress it up like me and you
we'd see strength
and hope would be there too
with lips that're sometimes unwise
but if you take a bit of time to look
there's truth behind her eyes

jump into the deep and teach me to sink
take my hand and show me the land
i wanna go
i wanna go
but i'm scared to leap
cuz the skies never weep
makes me wonder if the water's very deep
but if you jumped
i'd jump
and follow you
yeah i'd follow it through

life looks funny through a mirror that's cracked
and i wonder who stands behind my back
who's holding these puppet strings
making me dance to all these petty things...
a whirlwind of time in this world of mine
i can't breathe past you
i can't see past you...

i'm a reaction formationist

Reaction formation reduces anxiety by taking up the opposite feeling, impulse, or behavior. An example of reaction formation would be treating someone you strongly like in an excessively unfriendly manner in order to hide your true feelings. Why do people behave this way? According to Freud, they are using reaction formation as a defense mechanism to hide their true feelings by behaving in the exact opposite manner.
- about.com

great.
the hidden mysteries of defense mechanisms... i can also think of several situations in which i've used a variety of the rest of them... not surprising i guess..after all, i am human. it's just funny reading your story written from a stranger...

snigbits

i can't see past the salt in my eyes
i can't hear from all the lies
tell me again
how's this end
can't breathe
can't sleep
can't run
can't weep
can i pinch a piece of love from your heart
die to this so maybe peace will start
just wanna cry out my fears
waste myself in tears
maybe it'd all wash away
maybe i'd wash away

one chance of a chance
i dare my eyes not to glance
but the hope rises
and my heart forgets
that hope rides away
when will it stay
don't want to wait anymore
don't want to wait anymore