a love song

this is life
won't it do
or is there something you think
i'm keeping from you

i'm not one of those

those other lovers, they may take the time
to buy you flowers, pour you wine
i want to give you something real
something real

i'm not one of those lovers
that takes your hopes
then wraps my loving hands
around your naked throat

i won't steal life from you
no i won't

those other lovers they just won't do
they end up keeping me so far from you
i want to give you something real
something real

so i'll pick up the pieces - take the time
to mend your heart and claim that you're mine
i want you
i want you
you're real

i'm not one of those lovers you see
i'll teach you what real love can be
i'll love you, i'll scrub you, i'll make you clean
i'll set you on high so others can see
my love
your love
our love

my love

let go

sometimes you just have to let go. you fight it. you ignore it. you get pissed at it. you try to manipulate the circumstances so you can keep it. but either you can let it go easy..or you can let it go painfully.. one way or another it has to go...

it's time to let go.

try and imagine it like this.

you have hold of this rope. this rope that leads to life right? it is your lifesaver. your answer. the wind is strong. the waters, high and wild. the skies, dark. you have such a tight hold that to pull it away from you would pull flesh. you've been holding for so long that even to let go would mean painful extraction of a part of you...you've grown around it. ....but let go. you're not drowning. your feet are on the boat. and there is no one in the water. you don't need saving. you've already been saved. ....so He stands there, watching you...watching you grow into this rope... beckoning you to let go...go eat with Him on the deck...go below and enjoy Him...stand at the wheel and enjoy the wind and the sun... let go...and live.

dream...

so...i had a dream. it was weird.
in it...i had a saint bernard... you know: the idol for healing and rescue. i loved my saint bernard, but early on i "lost" him... the weird thing is that he didn't die. he was with us in body and everything...not not mind, or something? ....
we (all these nurses) were in the hospital running around doing our jobs and we know it's a busy night and only going to continue that way.
there was this one short burn victim sort of stocky and round that i thought was hitting on me, but apparently they would send him to single's bars to flirt with girls to give them confidence and make them feel better. he was mangled; most of his face was scar tissue and he being on the 5th floor i knew he probably had some sort of disease, but now i recall he was across the hall so he was probably fine. there were a few mummy like men across the hall, torn and bloody, reaching out to me when i opened the door. i ducked my head quickly and returned to my floor... later i saw him walking by, he was friendly but not as desperate before. i remember thinking how kind it was that he would go and talk to people and it must be nice for him too to get out and occasionally experience some attention.
then there was this other woman, dressed like a hoe with a leather body suit (sort of like what was worn in Legally Blonde as a bunny suit to the halloween party). she wasn't fat, but definitly had a well aged body. her skin was slightly loose, her hair was a bit messy, and she looked a bit dark, like those drug users or someone just totally used up by life. they would send her too to bars and clubs to hit on men to boost their confidence and make them feel wanted. i remember thinking what a hard job she had and if i had that job i would be tired, worn, and a bit slutty too.
we got really busy. i'm not sure if someone was declining or if we realized there were some jobs that needed to be done that hadn't been. at some point we fully realized there were nurses who 1) we thought had been there all night working and 2) were completely missing and 3) we hadn't really seen them all night. antibiotics hadn't been given, vitals hadn't been checked... who the hell knew what kind of condition these people were in. i remember thinking 1)technically they're not my patients, 2) will i be held accountable for the negligence displayed here, and 3) what can i do to quickly finish my jobs and help check and care for the other patients too.
at the moment one of my patients required like 5 stat iv tubings to be hooked up at once, and the same one also required a bunch of different important blood draws. i think they were declining. on my way into the room i thought i forgot some supplies, but had already opened the needles, so i had to carry them with me as i ran asking for advice and searching for more supplies. in out in back out of the room and i have them all so i go back in and on my way in i step up over something and somehow pierced my knee with all the needles. it hurt, but what was more painful was that i would have to take the time to get more needles. i thought about using those ones, wondering if there was skin on them or something, but when i looked there was blood so i knew it might be best to change them rather than contaminating the patient with my blood.... then i realized i already had my supplies in the room and just wasted a lot of time running around....
i became so overwhelmed or maybe it just randomly hit me.... but i suddenly ached for my saint bernard. i went to the dying animal (who apparently was in the room) and layed it over me and cried. sobbed. held my fingers tightly in it's fur aching for it to be present. the nurses outside i knew could hear me, but they let me be for a minute. it was weird having my st bernard so warm and alive, but knowing there was no mind there, only body....it still gave me comfort, but i knew one day soon it wouldn't be there at all. i got up and found some pictures of me and my st bernard. i threw away a lot of the pictures of just the head of my gigantic friend, but there was an old one of me as a kid holding the pup it was long before this situation. i hesitated before deciding to save it forever. in remembrance i tucked it away.
...then i went back to drawing blood.

dry heart

i sort of feel like my heart is dying.... i think it's being choked slowly by the comforts, by the large corporations, by the "needs" that are only "wants", by the consumption, by the technical responsibilities, by the wait to go, to be, to love....
this isn't what i hoped for...

he said to do what i wanted...go where i wanted. i want him... to wait for him, support him...and then be taken by him to adventure, generosity, and sacrifice... ...who knows what kind of life i want to lead. i want to chase it down....find it out. do i have to do it alone?

Lord, I know you're close... I'm aching for a difference here... Teach me to love the one in front of me... to be content... to live life as I'm supposed to...to go where You are... ...where are You?

anxiety

i feel so embarrassed about how i'm living. in this nice apartment, stocked crazy full of food, with all the comforts and amenities one could want... i can't explain my feelings the other night when i handed over my card to purchase the unending pile of groceries...things we "needed." defeat set in...tears welled up in my eyes...it was unbearable...i felt like i was handing over my soul to the devil of consumption and comfort. the only thing that helped me go with it was the understanding that we wouldn't be shopping for at least a month, maybe two...and yet there on our fridge one day later is a gradually increasing list of more "needed" supplies because "variety is good" and we're striving for "efficiency."

dear God...give me understanding. this isn't what i've been waiting for. this isn't the position that i worked for in the last 2 years.

i realize we're being very generous with it... opening our home to friends and feeding them endlessly...i really enjoy the people...the sharing...

why am i not okay with it? i'm so anxious and unsatisfied....

i think i'd rather be the poor woman who gives everything than the rich man who gives a fraction....

the other day in the coffee shop i was sitting and talkin to God and being really restless and unsettled. finally He got my attention and asked, "Theresa, what if you're exactly where I want you...?"

i just don't know how to feel a peace about being in this land/path of comfort...this land of overflow.... i don't even know any strangers to give to...or any widows and orphans....not directly anyway....

and besides that....i still miss him... not anything in that one month...but the conversations...the talks... the equal thirst for more... ..........i don't know what to do, Lord....

Lord, help me be obedient...open my eyes.... open my ears....
i know i need to rest in you....to shush and listen....the peace is in the righteousness, yeah? the hope is in you....the truth is in your word.... would you lead me? i really want your best...

autumn winds'a blowin...

it's fall... i guess i've been here around a month and a half now... i've met a lot of cool people...and i think i've made a bit of a community here.... i feel more whole than i used to....i feel more hopeful... a hunger for God and knowing Him has grown in me...i just want His best.

hospital work is decent. i get to touch people, help people, give shots, and start IVs.... all the while making pretty killer cash....a quarter of which i've been trying to give away. (it's hard deciding where i should give...there's so many options).... ...it's real easy to get caught up in the work that needs to be done and miss out on hearing the patient's heart, but i think the more familiar i get with the movement of the hospital it will come easier.

there's still a bit of unrest... of wondering where i belong... i feel the time is coming...and soon.... but the time for what? .... i want to be ready....

if i stay broken
does he become the whole?
if i stay bruised
is he the only healing?
am i meant to be healed to stand alone?
or are brokenness and bruising a permanent state so that i'll always see my need for him?

i still miss him....

i miss...

today went really good...i learned so much... and everyone was so nice and great... and i think i'm gonna be okay and make an awesome nurse....

and now i'm crying because i miss my friends... and i don't want new ones... and i don't want everything to change all at once... and they're having fun without me... and i want them to spend the rest of their lives missing me.... not forgetting me and moving on without me...

...and i wonder if this is why i let friendships die when i move on...because it's too hard not to be missed...it's too hard to watch yourself get replaced...

i miss him.