english poetry

this first one wasn't what i had in mind when i first started writing but i kinda liked out how it turned out:

that’s My girl

according to the world
I’ve got a few too many curves
my eyes are a little too small
my face a little too round
my clothes were out of style
last fall
my laugh is a little too loud
my voice a little too deep
I don’t drive the perfect car
or have money in a heap

no, I can’t fit into a size three
but at least you can hold onto me
and you watch as my squinty eyes
open each time with a new colored surprise
my chipmunk cheeks hold
the corners of an honest smile
and fashion is just something so ugly
they have to change it every six months
so who cares about style?
I can sing the low notes
to a many hymns and songs
laughter reaches across the room
leading the way for someone who longs
to let it out?
or scream and shout?
and at least my car moves me
from here to there
with warm heat and cool air
money is great and all
but I’m doing just fine
buying what I need
sometimes what I want
like egg nog
so who cares what the world thinks?
God looks down and winks
“that’s My girl”

this next one is a lil corny cuz i wrote it in uh....a very short time:

not a clue

i don't have a clue
what i need to do with my life
not eve what i want
not even what You want
i just don't have a clue
i could be a bum
a student or teacher
a camp leader or a missionary
the wife of a preacher
i could design clothing
or perhaps write a book
illustrate for children
probably won't cook
i could sleep all my life
and eat when i want
but i'd run out of money
end up in a dump
i could smuggle bibles
into faraway lands
i could be a lead singer
in one of the local bands
shewt, i could design jewelry
or make furniture out of wood
yeah right, i wish i could
hey i could have children
and lead in foster care
but is my heart really there?
so you see...
i don't have a clue
of what i need to do
what am i made for?
what should i pursue?
so i'll lay all aside
and just pursue You

scaredy cat undone?

alone, but not lonely... an empty house, but it's still so warm... it's cold and dark outside, but still crisp, frosted, and bright...there could be something bad outside, but i can't help but be in awe at a night so beautiful with a full moon glowing overhead.. and glitter sprinkled across the sky...

so i used to be scared to death of the dark, not the dark itself...just of what might be lurking around the outskirts of the light awaiting the moment to leap out and...who knows... about a year ago i remember having to call my brother to come home from town (15 minutes away) because i couldn't even get out of my car...so scared i was crying and shaking like a little kid lost in a department store... sad, but so true...

i used to have bad dreams all the time about coyotes or wolves coming out of the woods out behind our house and racing across the feild towards me...i usually was outside in the dark, of course, and the key wouldn't fit the lock until the last minute when i'd fall in the door... sometimes i would be able to get it shut back, but sometimes they forced it open and i'd run to the basement or somewhere...

it didn't help any when i'd hear stories about men breaking into houses and killing the families...or those psychos that lurk around and kidnap people or rape the women and stuff like that... watching cops late at night and world's most wanted crinimals probably wasn't the best thing either...even if it was with my parents...

i remember going to every corner of the house with the lights on searching it out...and then turning all the lights off (so they wouldn't know i was home..so they wouldn't try to come in and kill me...hopefully they'd just come in and steal everything and not realize there's a little girl upstairs...)....and hiding in the furthest corner of my room with a weak flashlight, a phone, and a butcher knife... i'd call random friends...usually my best ones (they'd be more likely to understand rather than a complete stranger)...and get spooked by the slightest creak of the house... yes, i'd cry, my heart would race...

sometimes i would have the audacity to want to watch tv... but that was rare...because anyone standing at the front door could see me and i wouldn't be able to see them...and with all the noise the tv makes i wouldn't be able to hear the killer breaking the lock or sneaking down the stairs...(which made listening to music out of the question as well) but if i did decide to take that risk i would hang anything and everything over all the windows so that they wouldn't be able to see me...however, perhaps it was just me not wanting to see them... i hate being afraid...i hate it i hate it...

my brother and cousins used to jump out from the dark and scare me... one time i got so fed up with it i quit playing with them for a night (that's a big thing when you're only 8 or 9) ... and one time we went down to the woods on a cold wintry night and built a fire... but we heard something in the woods so i climbed a tree with my cousin... and the next morning we went down there and there was a paw print the size of my whole hand on the frozen lake... creepy? yeah...

dude, i was a scaredy cat times fifty... plausible? is there any reason behind all this? shewt heck...i don't have a clue...all i knew is when dusk started hitting and i found myself home alone... i would rather die than put up with the fear that becan creeping into my mind... every noise was the sound of death climbing the steps... thank goodness for Bob who raised his ears to every sound and whimpered into the dark at unconsistent times... so brave, so trustworthy (please sense the sarcasm)

there's good news to all of this sadness... last night i found myself alone at home...yes, darkness crowded all around...a perfect night to be afraid of everything...i was standing in the middle of the kitchen at one point and a flash went off...at first i thought it was a camera flash and i foreal jumped outta my skin and ran, but then i just realized it was lightening...did i cower in my room? no, i went back to what i was doing before...later i went into the store (connected to our house) to look for something and the freaking garage door just started opening all by itself...yeah, i most definitely shot into the house and locked the inbetween door behind me...took a second to pull myself together and calm my nerves, but instead of running to my room, locking the door, and hiding there the rest of the night, i OPENED the middle door, went into the garage, shut the door down and continued my business in the store...crap a monkey.. i'm amazing!

and get this...i'm at home right now... it's dark outside...i'm sitting in the living room with the lights on next to a window that's wide open.. there are some lights on... earlier this night i saw a guy walking away from the house down the driver...i didn't panic...i thought sensibly "oh, he's probably a hunter"...when i had to leave the house i called for my dog outside, but he never came like he usually does, so i had to make the trek from the back door to my car all by myself! ... i was gone for several house...and when i came back i found that i had left the door a little ajar...*oops*.. at any other time i would have lept back into my car and sped away, but what did i do? i walked into the house! i got on my computer! and here i am! i didn't even go around to all corners of the house to make sure nothing or no one came in...

yes, i'm a lil peed off that my brother didn't come home like he said he would after thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents...okay..i'm ticked but i'm not going to tell him...i guess he got a little sidetracked by his girlfriend... i did wait for him for a while... then decided to just go on ahead of him...i presumed that it was a lil silly that i couldn't go home alone...plus i figured he'd be along in a little while, especially since i mentioned that hunter guy to him...and said i really didn't want to spend the night alone tonight... i really didn't feel like having to be a little afraid... but i'm glad i didn't leave the gate open for him...that would have sucked... hmm... it's not so bad... i'm not afraid...i definitely could be if i let that side of my head take over...but seriously...there's nothing to be afraid of... or at least there's no reason to really really worry about it until you have proof....

besides that...even when there is proof...i hope i have enough faith in God that i cry out to Him for safety...He IS the creator and king of everything right? ... you'd think i'd trust Him, huh? ...

i wish i could have stayed in the dorms...this house is my least favorite place to be...especially at night... no, i'm not afraid... it's just so empty, boring, lifeless.... it sucks the life out of me every time i come... but it's HOME... i know it doesn't make sense to you.. doesn't make sense to me either...

thinking positive

thank You for:

• Your Son
  
• a roof over my head
• fresh clothes from the dryer
• interesting, refreshing, uplifting music
• art supplies
• blank pieces of paper
• the color green
• mascara
• unordinary socks
• sweet smelling roses
• the scent of vanilla lace
• innocent kisses
• being snuggled up against by a little kid
• warm breezes
• cool, clear, beautiful nights with stars blazing
• lotion and soft skin
• peace of mind
• pumpkin pie and egg nog
• good conversations
• friends i know i could always call if i needed to
• prayers from the heart
• hugs from a middle schooler
• the way You use me regardless of the fact that i'm unusable
• Your unconditional love..
• innocent, unexpected, undemanding compliments
• those good guys who see more than the outside
• those friends you can say anything to and they'll either understand or try to
• the sound my fingers make on the keys
• sweet sleep
• silence
  
• pure, unrestrained laughter
• loud, blaring music
• rushing water
• tall tall tall green trees
• overgrown, sunspotted forest floors
  
• warm, smooth beaches
• crisp, towering mountains
  
• ginormous, busy cities
  
• the ability to travel
• kleenex
  
• the ability to draw
• pretty dresses
• a clean room
• my brothers and sisters...
• my parents...
• all the many people that have made impacts in my life...some deeper than others, but all important to me...
• a deep, comfy bed with thick, warm blankets in a cool, dark room
• a drink of pure water
• a full tank of gas...thanks to my mom as well on that one
• the truth of the bible
• silver jewelry
• chocolate
• walks around campus
• fresh donuts
• hanging out with friends
• hide and go seek
• those moments when two people just "connect"
• pictures
• the chances to glance into another's mind
• Your faithfulness...even when i'm so unfaithful and faithless
• a toddler's laugh
• getting to spend a lil time with my bro tonight...even if it wasn't really one on one...
• new days and second chances...sometimes third, fourth, and an infinity amount it seems
• unexpected surprises
• there's a buttload more, but i have to go :P

so much to be thankful for...sometimes i just need to step back and look around... it helps too that i get excited by simple things quite often...

"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name." -psalm 100:4

too much e.m.

how do you talk about this? i don't even know where to begin really...i just have to dump this out... right now i feel sick to my stomach... THIS IS MY BODY! don't let your hands linger... don't rub on my arm... just because we're friends don't assume the permission to cuddle against me...*sigh* some guys don't even think they're doing anything wrong...it's not that they are..they do everything innocently and have very little or no intentions at all...but man...what are your intentions?.. are they simply to be close to a girl? maybe they are done because you don't really know how else to show you care i guess, but guys have to take into consideration...girl's emotions are stirred up by touch... guys by sight... if you expect us to dress modestly and act as ladies... don't tempt us with long, lingering eye contact and gentle caresses...you can't just use us... guys can't just treat every girl like they would a girlfriend...or a wife... this is soooo weird, because it's like... i love hugs...i love attention... i love touching...i'm a stinking loving person!! but sometimes there's just too much of all of it...way stinking too much and it stirs up emotions and i'm telling you... there's a word for it... it's like...emotional molestation...the girls feel used and usually guys don't even realize it when they do it...and i don't know the solution to this problem...i just know people need to pay closer attentions to their intentions...it's not just the hug..it's HOW you hug and WHY you hug... take the other person into consideration as well...are the boundaries clearly drawn?

ugh..i just can't stand the feeling of people crossing over into boundaries nobody has welcomed them into... and i can't stand the feeling of being used or taken advantage of... and i hate that i can be accidentally, innocently tricked into thinking a guy may be interested when in all reality the guys's just a nice guy and you're just the next girl to come along with a supposed need or desire...but there's nothing really to do about it, but guard your own heart... place a lock over it and toss God the keys... i've done it before i can do it again...and again...and again... but it's not always my fault...

dudes..just as there's lots we can do to help protect your minds..there's lots you can do to help protect our hearts...

this is a confusing frustrating subject...

patience is a virtue

so I feel a little alone...a little empty... yes, this is theresa fagundes talking... the brave, the strong, the independent theresa who can stand alone against anything because she has the Lord on her side...the same theresa who claims that she is completely satisfied in the Lord...

I just want someone to understand my heart...someone to challenge me in my walk... someone to lead me in a life completely centered and surrounded and covered by the grace of God...
I just want someone to walk beside me amidst all the issues of life...someone to help open my eyes to revelations that I would never come to on my own... someone to discuss the things I’m learning...someone to meet up with after class...someone I can always run to..and they’re always just as happy to see me that time as they were the last time.. someone to lift up and admire and submit to...someone to hold...someone to walk for hours with... someone to help me pick the bread things out of my lucky charms...

no, I’m not at the desperate state of “sure I’ll take that...it’ll work”...I definitely want the full blessings of Christ...and I’m more than willing to wait... and I’ll wait with as much patience as I can muster... but I can’t help but wonder at times... is it in your plan for me Lord? I can’t help but believe it is...

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” -psalm 27:13-14

alas, if he never comes... I will still praise you... if I never meet him... I will still serve you... if I never feel that tender touch...and be caressed by those lovely eyes... ah, Lord...no worries... You are more than enough..

“may your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight.” -psalm119:76-77

unity

lately God's been dealing with me about selfishness... at least that's what i think it is...i' d go to His thrown daily, but usually about me and rarely about my brothers and sisters... and when i did go before Him about my brothers and sisters it was never really in a broken compassionate spirit...i cared, but not enough to really cry out and suffer for them or anything... so last night the preacher at bsu talked about unity...honestly, i wasn't all that affected by it... but i did remember reading psalm 133 the other day which deals with unity.... and last night, amidst the sermon and the music, God brought me back to my bedroom in pastor thudian's house in India... it was hotter than i'll get out and, despite the fact that everything was going well the last few days, i had this weight on my chest and i couldn't figure out what it was...so i prayed... and prayed... and a friend came to mind who was supposedly doing ministry back in the States... so i lifted them up...and as i prayed for them the burden on my chest was lifted...i felt so relieved...so at peace...i can't explain the 180 change... so anyway...i realized the need for intercessory prayer in my life... or moreso of it anyway... and God opened my eyes to the judgemental, unforgiving, unloving spirit in my life... ugh... who am i? i'm nothing without Christ... i'm dirt.... how dare i ever look down...how dare i ever act in such a way ever ever ever again... God forgive me... may my heart break for others as You were broken... may my eyes be torn out and replaced with Your divine ones...so i can see what You see... may i love like You love... may i intercede with a broken heart and a contrite spirit... abba, may i take on the burdens of others in prayer... ...but not that i would love them for their sakes...but because You love them. You delight in them. they are your chosen ones and You desire them. You have a longing for their comfort, attention, their very souls...
amazingly, the moravian daily text that i recieved today led me to psalm 133 again... talking about how unity is so desirable... and in my utmost for his highest i read about having a condescending heart and that when we see weakness in people it is not meant for us to judge them, but to intercede for them... so while i obviously recognize Him stressing humility and intercession in my life, I also see where the unity ties in as well... how sweet it would be if God's children would break down and truly care about their fellow brethren. if we would stop judging people for their minute mistakes, lift them up to the Father in sincere prayers, and encourage them to a higher life. hmm...that'd bring unity

"christmas"

so i went home saturday night for the first time in a while... it was really late and no one was up when i got home so i snuck up the stairs to my old room, quietly changed into some pajamas, and slid ever so quietly in between my 6 year old brother and 3 year old sister... we used to sleep this way before i went off to college... i slipped my arms around my little sister and held her as close as i possibly could get her without making anyone uncomfortable. i missed this. sometimes during the night i would wake and find my brother cuddled up against me as well. my babies... gosh... at one point i was awakened by a cry for "mom"... and i naturally whispered "shhh" and amanda looked and saw it was me and quit crying, snuggled up against me, and went off to sleep again without any hesitation... they love me :) ... it was so refreshing to be able to hold them for as long as i wanted...err...at least until i fell asleep... just knowing they were near me... *sigh*...
i awoke that morning to the sound of my older brother running around doing something i don't know... he said, "isn't today christmas?" and i was like, "yeah".... but things were different than some of the other times i'd met up with him this year... he came into the room and talked to me... and then he sat down and talked to me for a little longer... about life, love, and most amazingly, what God was doing in his life...i missed him... i loved talking with him... i could see the love and joy of God all over his countenance... i don't think he realizes what he means to me... he's the one that basically led me to be who i am... he stoked a passion in my life for the only thing that matters to me now... he set the example... he led the way and encouraged me along... he's the one i could go to with anything and i knew he'd at least listen... that's how it was up until quite a time ago... nearly a year ago i guess he hit a rough point in his life... i saw it, but i didn't know how to help or what to do about it... i ached though... he wasn't my brother... i didn't know who he was ...and i guess we drifted quite a bit in the last year... some of the hardest but sweetest times of my life... hard, because the one person i connected with about everything didn't seem to have time for me... and sweet, because i found more than enough satisfaction in the Lord... but that morning i saw the brother i'd lost in the way he spoke and in the way he acted...i saw a light in his eyes that i hadn't seen in a while.... *sigh* and it's such a relief... i can't wait to get to know the brother i haven't been able to know it a while... stotrum for the way He heals, forgives and renews like nobody and nothing else...i love Him...