life decisions...geez

i feel like i'm on the outskirts...i'm separated...but maybe right now i'm in the center of what's supposed to be going on in my life...like our lives make up these circles and sometimes our circle overlaps someone else's for a time... making a little variety...but no matter where we move or who we're near...our color exists at the base... and sometimes... we're meant to be on our own... so our one true color can shine through....


ok...i know..cornbusters... but i have to find some explanation for it...even if i have to make it up...otherwise i'm gonna either gonna end up feeling deserted...or i'll feel like a jerk because somehow i've managed to desert everyone else...

God, what the heck is your plan for me? ...i can't make these hard decisions on my own... i can't even decide what i want to do! well...i have an idea of what i would like, but... i can't see it happening... so... since plan b isn't exactly stable and well outlined....i'm not sure if i'm ready to set things in concrete.... maybe i'm scared. ush... hold my hand, Lord....

wishing

it's almost here...27 days... i just can't believe i've come this far...i can't believe i've nearly achieved this... i hope it's worth it. it will be.
i just don't know what i want to do with my life. i don't know where i want to go. what i want to do. i want someone to share all this with...but i've gotten so close to my family... i've really learned to make priorities...chase the things i want out of life...
i long to be known... to be explored... to be experienced..
i wonder what it would be like to experience me?
i hope it's like a warm breeze bringing a bit of freshness but leaves you looking a bit unruly...
lord...i feel you...i know you're there... but come find me... can you squeeze the life out of me? if i'm gonna waste my life, i want it to be wasted for you... i want to experience what you have for me...
how do you suck the marrow out of life?
i want to swim to the depth...drown in the moments....
climb to the heights and let the breeze take my mind away...
or just sit and be doused by the sunshine...

like the wind

you know...i'm not sure many men can handle this.. or many people actually....('this' as in the full context of 'me') it'd be like trying to catch the wind with your bare hands. is it possible? is it even possible to fully understand the concepts of the wind? you never really can guess which way it's going to blow...sometimes it breezes about in and out up and around: curious, comfortable, soothing...and then sometimes it comes in gusts that knock your hat to the ground and allow your papers to taste freedom for once in their lives... gusts that explode to the forefront of your path and leave you in its dust... gusts that take on the future at full speed... who can contain it with logic and expectations? who can place the chains of history and prediction around its wrists? no one. why? because it's so very often unlogical with unexpected changes and unpredictable actions. it is surprising and free and the actions of a breeze are unestimable.
does that mean it is unreliable? not exactly. because you can rely on it's ever-changing, ever-blowing consistancy. the breeze moves the seed of flowers and aids in pollination...so it's a fertilizer... the wind produces energy in it's most abundant and cheapest form...a catalyst...and it suggests in it's movement that the earth is alive... bringing hope to those stale places in the world....wind is never ending...
...so there is a beauty in the wind... and i think i'd rather be the wind than a rock...even tho rocks are perfectly reliable and never-changing except through huge amounts of work or time... i like the freedom of the wind... the variety of it... the strength and yet weakness of it... and i like being like the wind..

change...

i'm quiting nursing...

APRIL FOOLS!! (whahahaha)
ok....so on a more serious note... i am fixing to leave this place i've called home for the last 16 years. in 5 weeks i'm moving. the last time i moved moved (i mean away from everything) was when i was 6. it took me until i was 12 to actually like this place. i missed my family. i missed my friends. i know it won't take me 6 years to get comfortable in another place... history has it that i get comfortable pretty quick when i get thrown into new territory (india, north carolina, connecticut, california, etc) but from those places i was always coming home eventually. the longest was around 3 months.

i guess what i'm a little nervous about is... as many roots as i have here i feel like i don't have any. of course, pulling up from my family is going to be painful... but... ok... i'll admit... i just don't think i've made such an impact here that people will notice my nonexistence... ush...that's almost more painful than leaving my family. is my life going to look this ineffective? nonono... i don't know how to excuse it except i've learned a lot of lessons here. have i taught anyone anything? ush.... i guess it's best that i go... i hate leaving something or someplace when i feel i messed it up... or didn't milk it. it always reminds me of north carolina and my "insincere personality." bad feelings.

i think trying to please people is the worst thing i can do.
i think i'm going to stop.

comfort vs. challenge

it's kind of nice having someone find it interesting that i have a mid-size bowl of oatmeal smothered in honey and scattered with raisins every morning...
there's this place that over looks 3 counties a few miles out of town... i always want to take someone there just to sit and talk...i never do it. last night someone took me there...
it's nice having someone sit across the room and there's no pressure to say something wickedly intelligent or funny to get them to stay.....pure comfort....

the problem is.... my dreams are bigger than that.... and those bigger dreams are different than his bigger dreams.....
and i want someone to search me, find me, and challenge me....

i want to bring hope and healing to the nations. i want to sell myself and give the profit to the poor. i want to live uncomfortably...

i want someone daring enough to take me with them over steep mountains of poverty, into deep valleys of hunger, and through the enormous cloud of injustice.....
i want to live vibrantly, fiercely fighting to bring justice to the world and show them they're loved...

haha....even i laugh. will i ever be satisfied?





p.s. my roommate is gone for the week... i kind of like (ok..i love) having the house to myself...all i need is a puppy...or cat.......and need to get rid of all her crap....

complications....

does life have to be so complicated? some people do this so easily...like they've done it before...
God, I sit here and think about how I'd like my life to look...I can barely decide....
I mean... something adventurous...
something real...something live and wild...
but what does that look like to me? i want details! and how do you get there?
i'm so on edge...
like 42 days til i graduate...if i graduate...
today i thought about telling my mom, "you know..i don't even want to be a nurse."
not that i wanted to drop out or anything...not that....it's just...
i don't look like a nurse... nurses look so...heroic, clean, all nicely put together with smooth hair and make-up.... (except the old nurses...they look a little loose)
[don't let me fool you...i do want to be a nurse...]
it's just hard accepting i'm not going to be perfect at it....

you know...there was this boy...that told me he missed me. i wanted him to go into detail about what he missed about me...because it kind of surprises me that someone could miss me after a year... i wanted to hear what good i have in me that actually sticks to people...but i didn't make him do that...because it seemed like i didn't miss him as much as he missed me... and i felt bad...

i hate how obsessed about nursing i am... i guess i have to be right now... but it sucks being so obsessed about something so stressful, something so impossible... it's almost worse than being obsessed about a boy who doesn't like you... a boy never made my eye twitch. and i'm pretty sure if i failed nursing it would hurt me a lot worse than any boy ever did.

i'm just so ready for something to change...
new goals...new places...new hobbies...new faces...
there's a burning in my heart... for time... time to dream... and the confidence to see those dreams come to be.... where can i find those things?

ush...it all just seems so impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yet here i am...doing it. there's no way i could have gotten this far by luck...i did this. i'm doing this. i'm going to finish this. and i'm going to be a freaking amazing nurse! GOD let this be over soon....

no whimsical fancies here....

yeah my eyes look for a sunset red
when others are happy with blue
they say not to expect a fairytale
but what about dreams come true?
so my heart has wings
and my eyes they sing
i chase after wild
senseless things...
i color my world
beginning from bed
looking for that
wild sunset red...
the clouds they're calling
so tie a string to my toes
i'll follow my heart
i'll follow my nose
into clouds of emerald green
a sky unlike you've ever seen
where eyes they shine
and man rewinds
to the moments that overflow
like a gentle touch on the elbow
and to hazel eyes more interesting
than any show
yet even they...even those
are passed up by my curious nose
that catches the scent of adventure
the waft of more
that sets this fearsome heart alive and
free to explore
free to explore
that sunset red
the chase begins
maybe just in my head
but someday
somehow
perhaps not a fairytale like you
but i'll find my dreams come true