love...

sometimes i wonder if i'm as serious about loving people as i say i am. ...like when it's hard or difficult... i.e. when i'm impatient with the nurse before me if there's extra work and an excuse that's 'not good enough'... or when i hold things against people and can't get over my emotions....

sometimes i wonder if i'm as serious about helping the poor as i say i am... like when i'm unwilling to wake up at 5am to feed them...or just that i don't make more of an effort to reach them. it's weird that i'm so set on reaching the homeless, yet i'm afraid to speak to the ones chillin at a public library...

sometimes i wonder if i'm as serious as loving and living in Christ as i say am... like when i look away from His obvious signs of direction and choose something in opposition to His ways.

i wanna do GOOD. you know?
be GOOD.
i want to be a source of goodness. with a good heart and do good things.
i think sometimes i get lost between the empire of great and the pain of bad.

it would be so nice to always be happy with the choices i make.
somehow i'm so impulsive at times that my head and my heart make decisions apart...one regrets the other... i've never been good at balance.

i'm not sure how to find it either.

23

it's coming...
a new time, a new age.

nursing...

wow.. so.. i had a crazy night last night.

one lady had been off her tube feedings for at least a day due to her DHT falling out. the docs hadn't replaced it, nor had they replaced the nutrition that she had been getting from it. they hadn't changed her scheduled insulin either. interesting. she did have D5 running, but during the night they ordered some K runs which took it's place for 4 hours. (another loss of the regular amount of sugar she'd been getting). i called the night docs about her lantus (long-acting) and they asked me just to give half of it. good thing i called. so i gave half of it. midnight comes around and her glucose level was 65! so we tried to get her to eat some crackers and drink something sweet. she did. and then threw up some of the crackers. nice. checked her glucose again 30 min. later...48!! called the docs and got half an amp of D50 which brought it up to like 117. good enough for me. no more insulin for her.

at the same time this is going on...i have this burn patient in another room who's getting tube feed as well. he's NPO. emv 11. so HE has a FS of 355!! I treat it with the scheduled and with the ordered sliding scale, right? right.

SO...six comes. time for more medication and more finger sticks.
i just figured i'd hold the scheduled insulin for pt #2 because i figured i'd treat his probably high glucose level at the same time as i administed the scheduled stuff, right? wrong....

patient number one? ....65. more crackers. more nausea. more sweet drink. i think she eventually came up but it wasn't til i was 'off my shift.'
patient number 2? THIRTY-FIVE! .... D50. MD to bedside. FS 160. will continue to monitor.

It wouldn't have been so bad maybe if there wasn't another pt feeling nauseated and another having a BM and i still had a dressing change to do and vitals were due and we only had one tech and were preparing for day shift to come on. ridiculous.

someday maybe i'll feel like a good nurse.

thoughts..

i've been reading a book called Infections and Inequalities by Paul Farmer. I also recently went to see a play called The Grapes of Wrath.

It's just shameful.

How many people have to die before unaffected people take notice?

It just doesn't make sense how people (we) can view what injustices occur to helpless people and then stand back and do nothing.

"Is it perpetually the lot of the poor to pay the penance...[for the ruthless exploitation of labor]?" -paul farmer

Why does one's prosperity always have to come at the expense of another's? ........ typically the weakest will give it up the easiest, at the 'least cost,' in the most efficient amount of time. ... Then, the scoundrel who takes from the hand of the weak and poor turns around and asks, "How could you do this to yourself? How could you be so ignorant, so lazy, so accustomed to your circumstances that you make no effort to change them?"

Oh, but they have! They do!

And when they do, we push them down... The giant foot of greed extends itself to crush the feeble efforts of the lowly... and no one cares.

In the play a child was born dead. A man took the child and went to bury it and said something along the lines of, "Lie in the street. It's the only way you can speak. Lie in the street and maybe then they will know."

Death. Especially unneccessary death. Undue Death. It should cause outrage. It should burden us. It should move us to action. .... I'm afraid to some it provides relief....knowing those loud cries have been quenched. No more reason to guilt, yeah?

It's shameful.

Who will fend for the poor?
speak for the innocent?
fight for the helpless?

How? How do we stop greed?

on the mountain tops...

i had a dream...
he and i were on these hills...these amazing hills. more like mountains really. we climbed to the tops of them. the view was extravagant. i was viewing our play as though from an old family film. i think there may have been a slight sadness as though that time of my life was over, but the joy i viewed in the image overcame that and i was happy. we tumbled around the ridges and looped in and out of sight. at one point we were wrestling and i jumped. from the lens it looked as tho i was over the edge. he grabbed me and pulled me up. then we laughed because the lens showed there was no ledge at that point. we tricked the camera. the colors were bright. we were happy...

The Lord desires to "make all grace abound toward you." He wants to impact our lives with every aspect of His grace ("all grace"). He has grace available in every category that we will ever need. He is ready to flood our lives with such grace ("abound toward you"). This term ("abound") could be depicted as compelling waves consistently rolling up on the seashore, leaving an inevitable imprint.

God's grace impacts humble, trusting hearts in such a manner, imparting all that is needed for effective service. "That you, always having all sufficiency in all things…." Whenever we place our dependence in the Lord, He supplies everything that is necessary ("all sufficiency") for everything He would have us to do ("in all things").

i contacted the lady that may send me to africa in 6-8 months. there's no reason i can't go..once i have my loans paid off. ...

at this point in my life i feel the message that i need to be more like a child...following my heart and trusting the hand that provides for me. he has given me everything that i need. and if there is something i feel is lacking, there is a reason for it. perhaps i'm not as ready for it as i think i am.
it's back to pursuing my dreams...perusing the adventures of my heart dreams about... back to navigating foreign terrain and flinging myself into the unknown. back to finding good things and loving them...back to giving the world back it's heartbreaks and let downs. back to chasing life and drinking love from the neck of all beauty that life has to offer... haha..

"Will you go?" He asks.
"I'll go." I say
"Where will you go?" He asks.
"I'll go anywhere," I say.

I suppose you might think, 'ah! she's just doing this to get away. one more fix until the next one." it's not that. really it's not. it's like getting back to the root of things. getting back my heart...the heart i let someone hold for a second. ..my fault... my heart should've never left the Lord's hands.
so this... this spirit. i really think it's from the Lord.. i wanna chase Him down... i feel free. i feel full. He always finds me on the mountaintops.

light

if i
could put away my mind
stand up and run blind
i'd run to you

but i
still see all the lines
i'm sposed to stand behind
my feet don't move

i'll stand and look upon
the sin and pain we've caused
and barely turn a shade
of blue

some times we need
a voice to intervene
and shake us from the grave we drew

and hands to take and hold
the innocent we have sold
to make our own dreams come true

so truth run into mine
and break the lies i stand behind
open my eyes so i'm not so blind
so i'll see you...

grasps

i had a dream
he was in love with someone chasing theirs
someone creative, fun...and pure...
and i was off doin my blind thing
walking lost in mazes..
trying to figure out the game..
running from someone behind me..
trapped in corners and retracing my steps
doing things i'd already done, and yet...
eventually i found my way out.
i saw her paintings, searched her out...
still wasn't happy with what i found..

a storm's a'coming you see
that's what it feels like to me
one way or another, things have to change
i want to go up, not down
swim, not drown
in this place
in this race

so dry heart, sing
wild heart, be free
mind, let go of all the lies you see
look up to the Crown
stop looking down
your feet don't hold the answers...

dry heart, sing
wild heart, be free
mind, let go of all these lies you see
and pray. pray to the King.