today

i don't know why i have such trouble writing about daily things without bringing in the blur of the emotional moment...i wish i could leave all the wacky emotions out of it. because those things change all the time and what happened today happened. that won't change.

...nothing really special happened today... it's just that i've been trying to write and everytime i open this thing up my hands want to just write about how i feel about life and i (the 'me' bigger than my hands) wants to write about things that mean something. ....so i end up never writing.

i did save some people last week. i wanted to write about it. didn't happen.
basically:
i stayed on the doctor's tails til they listened to me about a patient that was failing. they wouldn't care. they even went as far as to say "i don't care if he bakes" when i told them how high his temperature was ...i'll never understand why he said that. why it took so long for them to care. i think i should have handled it different. maybe called HIS upper level...the house officer or something...i called rapid response... but this guy was someone else's upper level since i couldn't get ahold of them (Blasted!), so maybe it didn't cross my mind at the moment. i did what was in front of me to do...completed some labs they said they didn't care about...and upped his O2 level...and attempted to suction him. when the kid's vitals got a lot worse then finally they decided to care a little bit and get the xray i suggested 2 hours before. when the results came back from that then they got a little more worried and decided to really care. it took four hours to get the team into the room to put a chest tube in. it really is beyond me why it took so long. beyond me. i hate that team.

this week i work four nights in a row.
tonight was a little ridiculous. i think trachs are my least favorite job. maybe i don't like them because that just means the patient is in bad shape and there is more work involved in them, like tubefeeds and highly likely incontinence. maybe that's why....and watching patients with trachs is usually depressing. they usually come into the hospital randomly and had a normal life before...some disaster ruined them... ...i had two tonight. and i don't want one of them tomorrow. i hurt her. everything hurts her. and she takes her mitts off and scratches herself til she bleeds. i don't like watching people hurt, by my hand or their own...

the new nurse helped me quite a bit..that's how busy it was for me... i don't really like the new nurse. she knows everything and was REALLY pleased to help me. i said thank you and meant it but if she brings it up i might bite her. forgive me...

another thing...i'm worried that my 'letter of invitation' that i'm waiting to receive from the doctor in africa isn't going to come through in time for me to apply for my visa. this would be quite unfortunate since i've been planning for this for at least a year and have my plane ticket and shots and everything else ready to go...and i told all my friends, families, random strangers....i hope it comes in time.