Monday, November 29, 2004

english poetry

this first one wasn't what i had in mind when i first started writing but i kinda liked out how it turned out:

that’s My girl

according to the world
I’ve got a few too many curves
my eyes are a little too small
my face a little too round
my clothes were out of style
last fall
my laugh is a little too loud
my voice a little too deep
I don’t drive the perfect car
or have money in a heap

no, I can’t fit into a size three
but at least you can hold onto me
and you watch as my squinty eyes
open each time with a new colored surprise
my chipmunk cheeks hold
the corners of an honest smile
and fashion is just something so ugly
they have to change it every six months
so who cares about style?
I can sing the low notes
to a many hymns and songs
laughter reaches across the room
leading the way for someone who longs
to let it out?
or scream and shout?
and at least my car moves me
from here to there
with warm heat and cool air
money is great and all
but I’m doing just fine
buying what I need
sometimes what I want
like egg nog
so who cares what the world thinks?
God looks down and winks
“that’s My girl”

this next one is a lil corny cuz i wrote it in uh....a very short time:

not a clue

i don't have a clue
what i need to do with my life
not eve what i want
not even what You want
i just don't have a clue
i could be a bum
a student or teacher
a camp leader or a missionary
the wife of a preacher
i could design clothing
or perhaps write a book
illustrate for children
probably won't cook
i could sleep all my life
and eat when i want
but i'd run out of money
end up in a dump
i could smuggle bibles
into faraway lands
i could be a lead singer
in one of the local bands
shewt, i could design jewelry
or make furniture out of wood
yeah right, i wish i could
hey i could have children
and lead in foster care
but is my heart really there?
so you see...
i don't have a clue
of what i need to do
what am i made for?
what should i pursue?
so i'll lay all aside
and just pursue You

Friday, November 26, 2004

scaredy cat undone?

alone, but not lonely... an empty house, but it's still so warm... it's cold and dark outside, but still crisp, frosted, and bright...there could be something bad outside, but i can't help but be in awe at a night so beautiful with a full moon glowing overhead.. and glitter sprinkled across the sky...

so i used to be scared to death of the dark, not the dark itself...just of what might be lurking around the outskirts of the light awaiting the moment to leap out and...who knows... about a year ago i remember having to call my brother to come home from town (15 minutes away) because i couldn't even get out of my scared i was crying and shaking like a little kid lost in a department store... sad, but so true...

i used to have bad dreams all the time about coyotes or wolves coming out of the woods out behind our house and racing across the feild towards me...i usually was outside in the dark, of course, and the key wouldn't fit the lock until the last minute when i'd fall in the door... sometimes i would be able to get it shut back, but sometimes they forced it open and i'd run to the basement or somewhere...

it didn't help any when i'd hear stories about men breaking into houses and killing the families...or those psychos that lurk around and kidnap people or rape the women and stuff like that... watching cops late at night and world's most wanted crinimals probably wasn't the best thing either...even if it was with my parents...

i remember going to every corner of the house with the lights on searching it out...and then turning all the lights off (so they wouldn't know i was they wouldn't try to come in and kill me...hopefully they'd just come in and steal everything and not realize there's a little girl upstairs...)....and hiding in the furthest corner of my room with a weak flashlight, a phone, and a butcher knife... i'd call random friends...usually my best ones (they'd be more likely to understand rather than a complete stranger)...and get spooked by the slightest creak of the house... yes, i'd cry, my heart would race...

sometimes i would have the audacity to want to watch tv... but that was rare...because anyone standing at the front door could see me and i wouldn't be able to see them...and with all the noise the tv makes i wouldn't be able to hear the killer breaking the lock or sneaking down the stairs...(which made listening to music out of the question as well) but if i did decide to take that risk i would hang anything and everything over all the windows so that they wouldn't be able to see me...however, perhaps it was just me not wanting to see them... i hate being afraid...i hate it i hate it...

my brother and cousins used to jump out from the dark and scare me... one time i got so fed up with it i quit playing with them for a night (that's a big thing when you're only 8 or 9) ... and one time we went down to the woods on a cold wintry night and built a fire... but we heard something in the woods so i climbed a tree with my cousin... and the next morning we went down there and there was a paw print the size of my whole hand on the frozen lake... creepy? yeah...

dude, i was a scaredy cat times fifty... plausible? is there any reason behind all this? shewt heck...i don't have a clue...all i knew is when dusk started hitting and i found myself home alone... i would rather die than put up with the fear that becan creeping into my mind... every noise was the sound of death climbing the steps... thank goodness for Bob who raised his ears to every sound and whimpered into the dark at unconsistent times... so brave, so trustworthy (please sense the sarcasm)

there's good news to all of this sadness... last night i found myself alone at home...yes, darkness crowded all around...a perfect night to be afraid of everything...i was standing in the middle of the kitchen at one point and a flash went first i thought it was a camera flash and i foreal jumped outta my skin and ran, but then i just realized it was lightening...did i cower in my room? no, i went back to what i was doing before...later i went into the store (connected to our house) to look for something and the freaking garage door just started opening all by itself...yeah, i most definitely shot into the house and locked the inbetween door behind me...took a second to pull myself together and calm my nerves, but instead of running to my room, locking the door, and hiding there the rest of the night, i OPENED the middle door, went into the garage, shut the door down and continued my business in the store...crap a monkey.. i'm amazing!

and get this...i'm at home right now... it's dark outside...i'm sitting in the living room with the lights on next to a window that's wide open.. there are some lights on... earlier this night i saw a guy walking away from the house down the driver...i didn't panic...i thought sensibly "oh, he's probably a hunter"...when i had to leave the house i called for my dog outside, but he never came like he usually does, so i had to make the trek from the back door to my car all by myself! ... i was gone for several house...and when i came back i found that i had left the door a little ajar...*oops*.. at any other time i would have lept back into my car and sped away, but what did i do? i walked into the house! i got on my computer! and here i am! i didn't even go around to all corners of the house to make sure nothing or no one came in...

yes, i'm a lil peed off that my brother didn't come home like he said he would after thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents...okay..i'm ticked but i'm not going to tell him...i guess he got a little sidetracked by his girlfriend... i did wait for him for a while... then decided to just go on ahead of him...i presumed that it was a lil silly that i couldn't go home i figured he'd be along in a little while, especially since i mentioned that hunter guy to him...and said i really didn't want to spend the night alone tonight... i really didn't feel like having to be a little afraid... but i'm glad i didn't leave the gate open for him...that would have sucked... hmm... it's not so bad... i'm not afraid...i definitely could be if i let that side of my head take over...but seriously...there's nothing to be afraid of... or at least there's no reason to really really worry about it until you have proof....

besides that...even when there is proof...i hope i have enough faith in God that i cry out to Him for safety...He IS the creator and king of everything right? ... you'd think i'd trust Him, huh? ...

i wish i could have stayed in the dorms...this house is my least favorite place to be...especially at night... no, i'm not afraid... it's just so empty, boring, lifeless.... it sucks the life out of me every time i come... but it's HOME... i know it doesn't make sense to you.. doesn't make sense to me either...

Thursday, November 25, 2004

thinking positive

thank You for:
  • Your Son
  • a roof over my head
  • fresh clothes from the dryer
  • interesting, refreshing, uplifting music
  • art supplies
  • blank pieces of paper
  • the color green
  • mascara
  • unordinary socks
  • sweet smelling roses
  • the scent of vanilla lace
  • innocent kisses
  • being snuggled up against by a little kid
  • warm breezes
  • cool, clear, beautiful nights with stars blazing
  • lotion and soft skin
  • peace of mind
  • pumpkin pie and egg nog
  • good conversations
  • friends i know i could always call if i needed to
  • prayers from the heart
  • hugs from a middle schooler
  • the way You use me regardless of the fact that i'm unusable
  • Your unconditional love..
  • innocent, unexpected, undemanding compliments
  • those good guys who see more than the outside
  • those friends you can say anything to and they'll either understand or try to
  • the sound my fingers make on the keys
  • sweet sleep
  • silence
  • pure, unrestrained laughter
  • loud, blaring music
  • rushing water
  • tall tall tall green trees
  • overgrown, sunspotted forest floors
  • warm, smooth beaches
  • crisp, towering mountains
  • ginormous, busy cities
  • the ability to travel
  • kleenex
  • the ability to draw
  • pretty dresses
  • a clean room
  • my brothers and sisters...
  • my parents...
  • all the many people that have made impacts in my life...some deeper than others, but all important to me...
  • a deep, comfy bed with thick, warm blankets in a cool, dark room
  • a drink of pure water
  • a full tank of gas...thanks to my mom as well on that one
  • the truth of the bible
  • silver jewelry
  • chocolate
  • walks around campus
  • fresh donuts
  • hanging out with friends
  • hide and go seek
  • those moments when two people just "connect"
  • pictures
  • the chances to glance into another's mind
  • Your faithfulness...even when i'm so unfaithful and faithless
  • a toddler's laugh
  • getting to spend a lil time with my bro tonight...even if it wasn't really one on one...
  • new days and second chances...sometimes third, fourth, and an infinity amount it seems
  • unexpected surprises
  • there's a buttload more, but i have to go :P
so much to be thankful for...sometimes i just need to step back and look around... it helps too that i get excited by simple things quite often...

"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name." -psalm 100:4

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

too much e.m.

how do you talk about this? i don't even know where to begin really...i just have to dump this out... right now i feel sick to my stomach... THIS IS MY BODY! don't let your hands linger... don't rub on my arm... just because we're friends don't assume the permission to cuddle against me...*sigh* some guys don't even think they're doing anything's not that they are..they do everything innocently and have very little or no intentions at all...but man...what are your intentions?.. are they simply to be close to a girl? maybe they are done because you don't really know how else to show you care i guess, but guys have to take into consideration...girl's emotions are stirred up by touch... guys by sight... if you expect us to dress modestly and act as ladies... don't tempt us with long, lingering eye contact and gentle can't just use us... guys can't just treat every girl like they would a girlfriend...or a wife... this is soooo weird, because it's like... i love hugs...i love attention... i love touching...i'm a stinking loving person!! but sometimes there's just too much of all of it...way stinking too much and it stirs up emotions and i'm telling you... there's a word for it... it's like...emotional molestation...the girls feel used and usually guys don't even realize it when they do it...and i don't know the solution to this problem...i just know people need to pay closer attentions to their's not just the's HOW you hug and WHY you hug... take the other person into consideration as well...are the boundaries clearly drawn?

ugh..i just can't stand the feeling of people crossing over into boundaries nobody has welcomed them into... and i can't stand the feeling of being used or taken advantage of... and i hate that i can be accidentally, innocently tricked into thinking a guy may be interested when in all reality the guys's just a nice guy and you're just the next girl to come along with a supposed need or desire...but there's nothing really to do about it, but guard your own heart... place a lock over it and toss God the keys... i've done it before i can do it again...and again...and again... but it's not always my fault...

dudes..just as there's lots we can do to help protect your minds..there's lots you can do to help protect our hearts...

this is a confusing frustrating subject...

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

patience is a virtue

so I feel a little alone...a little empty... yes, this is theresa fagundes talking... the brave, the strong, the independent theresa who can stand alone against anything because she has the Lord on her side...the same theresa who claims that she is completely satisfied in the Lord...

I just want someone to understand my heart...someone to challenge me in my walk... someone to lead me in a life completely centered and surrounded and covered by the grace of God...
I just want someone to walk beside me amidst all the issues of life...someone to help open my eyes to revelations that I would never come to on my own... someone to discuss the things I’m learning...someone to meet up with after class...someone I can always run to..and they’re always just as happy to see me that time as they were the last time.. someone to lift up and admire and submit to...someone to hold...someone to walk for hours with... someone to help me pick the bread things out of my lucky charms...

no, I’m not at the desperate state of “sure I’ll take’ll work”...I definitely want the full blessings of Christ...and I’m more than willing to wait... and I’ll wait with as much patience as I can muster... but I can’t help but wonder at times... is it in your plan for me Lord? I can’t help but believe it is...

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” -psalm 27:13-14

alas, if he never comes... I will still praise you... if I never meet him... I will still serve you... if I never feel that tender touch...and be caressed by those lovely eyes... ah, worries... You are more than enough..

“may your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight.” -psalm119:76-77


lately God's been dealing with me about selfishness... at least that's what i think it is...i' d go to His thrown daily, but usually about me and rarely about my brothers and sisters... and when i did go before Him about my brothers and sisters it was never really in a broken compassionate spirit...i cared, but not enough to really cry out and suffer for them or anything... so last night the preacher at bsu talked about unity...honestly, i wasn't all that affected by it... but i did remember reading psalm 133 the other day which deals with unity.... and last night, amidst the sermon and the music, God brought me back to my bedroom in pastor thudian's house in India... it was hotter than i'll get out and, despite the fact that everything was going well the last few days, i had this weight on my chest and i couldn't figure out what it i prayed... and prayed... and a friend came to mind who was supposedly doing ministry back in the States... so i lifted them up...and as i prayed for them the burden on my chest was lifted...i felt so at peace...i can't explain the 180 change... so anyway...i realized the need for intercessory prayer in my life... or moreso of it anyway... and God opened my eyes to the judgemental, unforgiving, unloving spirit in my life... ugh... who am i? i'm nothing without Christ... i'm dirt.... how dare i ever look dare i ever act in such a way ever ever ever again... God forgive me... may my heart break for others as You were broken... may my eyes be torn out and replaced with Your divine i can see what You see... may i love like You love... may i intercede with a broken heart and a contrite spirit... abba, may i take on the burdens of others in prayer... ...but not that i would love them for their sakes...but because You love them. You delight in them. they are your chosen ones and You desire them. You have a longing for their comfort, attention, their very souls...
amazingly, the moravian daily text that i recieved today led me to psalm 133 again... talking about how unity is so desirable... and in my utmost for his highest i read about having a condescending heart and that when we see weakness in people it is not meant for us to judge them, but to intercede for them... so while i obviously recognize Him stressing humility and intercession in my life, I also see where the unity ties in as well... how sweet it would be if God's children would break down and truly care about their fellow brethren. if we would stop judging people for their minute mistakes, lift them up to the Father in sincere prayers, and encourage them to a higher life. hmm...that'd bring unity

Monday, November 22, 2004


so i went home saturday night for the first time in a while... it was really late and no one was up when i got home so i snuck up the stairs to my old room, quietly changed into some pajamas, and slid ever so quietly in between my 6 year old brother and 3 year old sister... we used to sleep this way before i went off to college... i slipped my arms around my little sister and held her as close as i possibly could get her without making anyone uncomfortable. i missed this. sometimes during the night i would wake and find my brother cuddled up against me as well. my babies... gosh... at one point i was awakened by a cry for "mom"... and i naturally whispered "shhh" and amanda looked and saw it was me and quit crying, snuggled up against me, and went off to sleep again without any hesitation... they love me :) ... it was so refreshing to be able to hold them for as long as i least until i fell asleep... just knowing they were near me... *sigh*...
i awoke that morning to the sound of my older brother running around doing something i don't know... he said, "isn't today christmas?" and i was like, "yeah".... but things were different than some of the other times i'd met up with him this year... he came into the room and talked to me... and then he sat down and talked to me for a little longer... about life, love, and most amazingly, what God was doing in his life...i missed him... i loved talking with him... i could see the love and joy of God all over his countenance... i don't think he realizes what he means to me... he's the one that basically led me to be who i am... he stoked a passion in my life for the only thing that matters to me now... he set the example... he led the way and encouraged me along... he's the one i could go to with anything and i knew he'd at least listen... that's how it was up until quite a time ago... nearly a year ago i guess he hit a rough point in his life... i saw it, but i didn't know how to help or what to do about it... i ached though... he wasn't my brother... i didn't know who he was ...and i guess we drifted quite a bit in the last year... some of the hardest but sweetest times of my life... hard, because the one person i connected with about everything didn't seem to have time for me... and sweet, because i found more than enough satisfaction in the Lord... but that morning i saw the brother i'd lost in the way he spoke and in the way he acted...i saw a light in his eyes that i hadn't seen in a while.... *sigh* and it's such a relief... i can't wait to get to know the brother i haven't been able to know it a while... stotrum for the way He heals, forgives and renews like nobody and nothing else...i love Him...

Thursday, November 18, 2004


(small peninsula of land + wonderful starry night sky + great span of water + a seeking, searching soul = a glorious meeting from God)

oogh...the confidence i have in Christ... so refreshing and freeing... there's nothing like living for Him in all the world...

He loves me, He really loves me!

i fail so often...i let Him down every day... sometimes i run up to Him like a bratty kid and kick Him in the knees... but He believes in me...He thinks I can do it...i see dirt...He sees a field ripe and rich and full... i see lumpy clay...He sees an original, beautiful masterpiece... i can't help but trust Him.. can't help but hand everything over to Him... and oogh... the relief i feel in Christ... the hope i have in Him... even if i don't get to see the end results of what He does in my life... i will serve Him... I will serve Him with all i am...

He can make anything weak, ugly, or useless into something strong, lovely, or useful... He's AMAZING!!! ASTOUNDING!!!

my love, my sweet love... there's nothing that compares with You...


not to me...

...oh God...i delight in you...

the joy of your love...
it aches in my chest...
i just know it's going to erupt...
my seemly continous obsession with you
doesn't even compare to what you feel for me...
nor does anything i've ever seen
compare with how wondrous and awesome you are
ugh...that's why i smile...
these thoughts won't go away
thoughts of you...
what you do...
when i'm looking off into nothing..
i'm thinking of you..
dreaming of you...
my life is lived for you...
everything i do revolves around you...
what more, Lord?
i'll do anything...
i'll speak, live, be silent... die...
after did the same for me...
it's the least i can do...
my entire everything i give to you...
but what is my everything?
you look my way...
what could you possibly gain from me...
mere dirt..
mere unformed clay...
but you see the possibilites, don't you?
the fruit that could grow from my soil...
the masterpiece you'd work with my clay...
it's yours...
do with it what you will
do with it what you may
just PLEASE...
i beg of you...
no matter what i might later do or say...
make me more like you...

unswervingly constant. uncontainably pure. inexpressibly holy. irreversibly passionate.

...because You delight in me...

Thursday, November 11, 2004

romans 12:1

"i beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, HOly, acceptable to the Lord, which is your reasonable service."

i'm most definitely not perfect. i have faults and failures in my life like anyone, however, with all my downfalls and shortcomings, i can't help but pursue and speak of a life more purposeful and profound than the one many christians and 'lost folks' are living. ...and although i've yet to reach this completely 'alien' lifestyle... i recognize that the desire and willingness to attain this goal are just as alien as if i were living it out.

so... the life of a Christian according to romans 12:1->

first of all, sacrifice means this:
"hence to destroy, surrender, or suffer;
to be lost, for the sake of obtaining something;
to give up in favor of a higher or more imperative object or duty;
to devote, with loss or suffering"

in romans, Paul does not merely suggest that we give up a few minor details of our lives, but commands that we must give our entire beings and everything else over to death in order to fulfill not an amazing or extraordinary act, but the only sensible one.

entirity has a definition as well:
"in an entire manner;

If we live out the 'entirity' of romans 12:1... there should be no trace left of our former should have all been consumed in the flames of refinement.

there are many of us who are willing to give up a meal here, a dollar there, maybe an hour at times somewhere else... but how many of us give (or are even somewhat willing to give) our entire selves over to Christ to do with as He sees fit?

be reassured, christian, that the more we pursue this Christ, the stranger we will become to the world... the mere act of pursuing something you can't see nor completely understand seems foreign and crazy to the world... it's illogical to them... and the more we begin to act like Him, think like Him, and speak like Him... the more of a difference they'll see in our lives... but it begins with obedience... to crawl up on that altar... to become a living sacrifice... HOLY and acceptable to the Lord...

eternally effective

for a long time now i've analyzed the rights and wrongs of doing things that are not bad by any means but yet seem pointless sometimes. ... like just messing around and doing um..."fun" stuff... it's not that i couldn't have fun...i could... and it's not that i believed that fun stuff was wrong...i don't... but i struggled with finding the mix between where having fun could be just as effective eternally as speaking seriously about the Lord or praying and stuff...
it's not that i've figured it all out... but i think God is really wanting to teach me how to make everything that i do eternally effective... Everything including checking my email, hanging with friends, going to Wal*mart, sleeping, eating, working.... i know it can all be done for the glory of the Lord... and day by day i'm learning to do it... i see more of Christ in my thoughts, in my words, in my actions... and i love it...
but you know...i don't want to take the whole "do everything for the glory of the Lord" lightly. doing things for the glory of the Lord...that takes sacrifice and obedience... we as christians have lightened those things so much... nowadays...sacrifice is giving an extra buck for tithe and then going out shopping and spending fifty... and nowadays...obedience is saying a prayer for somebody instead of standing up and proclaiming what is right... we feel God calling us to much greater and higher levels of living, so instead of jumping at the opportunity to give our all...we give the very least that we can and sit back and expect that He'll bless it...
*sigh* christian, He wants are all.... and our all is the very least we can do...
i want my life to resound through eternity...

so that's what i'm striving to be... eternally effective...

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

let loose

so the Lord's generosity abounds as He pours out His Living Water upon me... it never stops running... continues forth until i'm overflowing...and still He persists in flooding my being... shouldn't someone get wet?
i had a word from the Lord spoken over me tonight... jason spoke of gideon... and of the flooding waters of the Lord... he encouraged me to let let the waters break free from inside of me and pour out on everyone i meet... soak everyone with the presence of the Lord... Jesus...
i feel sick to my stomach, because of instead of going to the prayer chapel to meditate on it...i went to socialize... i really did want to spend time with those people... but it was of really no eternal effect... i compromise far too often... i give in way too much... Jesus...
give me one pure and holy passion... give me one magnificant obsession... know and follow HARD after you...
this passion is inside of me... why do i fear to let it loose? to let it pour forth like a mighty river... flooding the land with peace...
i'll let go.. probably have to more than once in this lifetime...
jesus, i can't handle my own life...i don't want to ever be able to... it's Your's... my desires, my needs, my wants...
i just can't take it anymore... it's like jason said, "i'm so fed up with a christianity that compromises... " i want to give up that mere christianity that looks nothing different from the world...i want to be utterly consumed by flames...
my head swims when i start to think of all this... i want to cry... there's more out much more than what we can fathom... dear Jesus, satisfy my hunger for You...speak something fresh and new to me... show me how my life can make an eternal difference.
and i want to take this passion everywhere...i don't want to be afraid to speak of it... don't want to be afraid to pray to Him whenever...wherever... don't want to be afraid to stand up in the middle of lunch and proclaim the faithfulness of the Lord.... how dare i fear!
jason spoke of pursuing every opportunity to glorify the Lord... not always waiting for "doors to open"...but to serve Him every moment...with every aspect of my life... just LIVING Christ... living it out... living a HOLY (sacred) lifestyle...
Father, this radical lifestyle is really not so radical to You.... it's expected... we act like You're dead and the end of the world is never coming... we act like we're only acquaintances with You and have no interest in getting to know You better... we talk about our crushes and our problems more than we talk about You... we've jumped into the enemy's bed and fallen into lust with him... forgive our adulterous generation... forgive our unfaithful hearts...
purify us, Christ, wash us clean...make us holy once again...

stotrum for truth

Monday, November 08, 2004

i love mondays it's been a great day... i love pretty days...even when they are a bit chilly... kind of deceiving you look out the window and the sun's shining and everything's beautiful and then you stick your head out the window and your face freezes off... hmm... isn't it ironic... ... so i worked on my papers most of the morning... creative writing is so much more fun than boring other papers...and long phone convos are weird... i skipped a class...went to my second one and went over the papers i'd written a while before... went to work afterwards.. going to LOVE mondays...i get to paint with this little girl who is supposedly a trouble maker and stuff, but she was really nice to me... and it's just she and i going at it painting whatever we please all over a buncha bathroom stalls... after we're finished we'll move on to the boys room...and after that i'm going to teach her different drawing techniques and stuff...i'm really looking forward to it.... but today was so wonderful...i was so happy i squirmed and did a lil squeal thing in sarah's car on my way home....i've done that a lot lately...i just can't figure out the words to thank God's like joy is bursting out of my chest and i don't know how to hold it in at all... so i scream or skip or jump or wiggle or attack someone or laugh... i love it... man...i love creative writing...i love that little girl... and i love mondays.

stotrum for chicken fingers and yummy mashed potatoes

Sunday, November 07, 2004


there's no telling how the Lord wants to use me. all i know is that i want Him to. sometimes my flesh leaps forward and attempts to throw my spirit off balance, but i know what my dreams are. i know where my heart lies...and it's with Christ. my ultimate obsession. satan can try any way He wants and I may slip, but He will not stop me from altogether pursuing Christ, my ultimate goal.

how i love i desire Him... forgive me where selfishness seeks to destroy what you desire to do in me.

many things have been happening in my life. i've been involved with BSU trips revival teams and discipleship now weekends. i've begun this study of james and a few of us girls are praying about starting an all-girls bibles study on "why Godly people do unGodly things." (beth moore)...

i just want my life to be different from what is normal and usual... unless the "normal" includes being completely sold out and radical for Christ... i want to be radical...i want the jeremiah fire...

Abba, make me more like you.

a permeation of my thoughts
a birthmark on my side
i can't get away from Him
there's nowhere i could hide
His voice echoes in the wind
He whispers in the breeze
You'd think there's something I could do
but there's no way i could let Him leave
His presence has pulled me closer
i can't get Him out of my mind
and as i've consistently sought Him out
I'm more willing to leave all behind
i'm enthralled by the way He pursues me
in love with His selfless ways
amazed by the things He does for me
and looking at all my days
i can't imagine one without Him
whispering gently in my ear
slipping His arms around me
promising there's nothing to fear
all my life i'll seek Him
and pursue His holy ways
i'll live each day as a song to Him
who is worthy of all my praise

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

prayers and quotes

"Christ, we are nothing without you. we are nothing. we are but men. and what is man tht you are mindful of Him...what is man? dusht. we are born, we live and we die. but with YOU... there is purpose.. with you there is hope. there is not now and never will there be any better more worthy a purpose to live for. no one compares to you"

"i will not be selfish, I will obey. i will do everything in my power to live worthy of my calling... "

"kill 'me' off lord. it's not about me it's about you. ALL ABOUT YOU. Let me forget myself..where an I serve? where can i give? i want to sacrifice. to let go. to die. humble me."

"i think the thing i want most is just to be changed... not simply that we are challenged.. but that we are changed..totally, completely, and forever..."

2 Samuel 6~"I will become even more undignified than this."

"no soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier." -2 tim 2:4

"If we died with Him,
We shall also live with Him.
If we endure,
We shall also reign with Him.
If we deny Him,
He also will deny us.
If we are faithless,
He remains faithful;
He cannot deny Himself."
-2 tim 2:11-13-

"I must be content with what I have. i must not seek after more. i do not deserve a mate. i do not deserve beauty. I don't deserve any of it, so why do i focus on these things? thank you Lord that you ahve provided me with much more than I deserve."

"anything i have done pales in comparision to what is in me ~ that i could do. there's greatness in me ~ not because of anything i am, but because of who God is in me" Grab hold of what is inside of you, and become who God made you to be!!!

"i have this power in me. i have this in me. i have the power of God in me!"

"fear is a result of pride because we believe that something should not happen to us; like we ought to be exempt or something."

romans 16:19-30 ~ "for your obedience has become known to all. therefore i am glad on your behalf; but i want you to be wise in what is good, and simple concerning evil. and the God of peace will crush satan under your feet shortly. the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. amen."

revelation 5 ~ "...worthy is the Lamb who was slain to recieve power and riches and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and blessings!"

we do these "sacrifices" not for us, not for the lost people of wherever. they do not deserve any rewards....they do not deserve this heaven by any means. it is because of the Lamb. because of His sacrifice and because He is who He is, and He is deserving of the rewards. He deserves souls to be saved. He deserves our very lives. He deserves everything that we are and everything that we have.

there is no reason for sin to be present in a christians life. we have been set free. we have been gifted with a freedom that no lost person has. the chains of satan, the wildes of the devil. they have no place in our lives. is it possible to go through an entire day and think of nothing but the goodness of the Lord? I know it is. is it possible for your mind to rest solely on Himand think no thought that is contrary to Him? YES! i must believe it. lord, help me reach that position in my life where nothing is contrary to you or your teachings. where my life and your word go hand in hand.

"prepare me for the things you want to see done in me"

jeremiah 2:33a ~ "why do you beautify your ways to seek love?"
j^ 2:36 ~ "why do you gad about so much to change your way?"
j^ 3:4 ~ "will you not from this time cry to Me, "My Father, you are the Guide of my youth!"?

"i had the vision of myself as the dove on the altar. the way they were sacrificed? cut down the middle, pulled by the wings, and split completely open before Him."

Monday, November 01, 2004

ugh...hmm...sigh's been a good day...actually quite wonderful... it's been the perfect day really...i had an awesome time with God this morning... on my way out the door for lunch i realized what a beautiful day it was... it was much like the one i talked about earlier... the warm fall breeze and the leaves racing on the ground...only difference? beautiful sunshine... LOOOVE it... had a test in a class... finished a paper in-between classes and then went to my second class for the day... then i just sat on the swings and enjoyed the perfect day... i love sunshine and comfortable, windy days.... ... but after i came in... i wasted away the rest of the day on this thing... don't you hate it when you get lost on the internet and all of a sudden it's several hours later and you've gotten nothing productive accomplished? ugh...i did figure out how to get my pic in my profile... and i read an interesting article about how nice guys get always get the short end of the stick because girls are always looking at the jerk face guys... ..i can see that... i think i've probably accidentally done it at least once...overlooked a nice guy because my eyes were set on someone else and that guy turned out to be a total jerk... ugh... mistakes mistakes... i had to comment on it though... i apologized for the times girls do that... but also had to bring to the author's attention that, in the same light, nice girls sometimes get overlooked because guys are too busy watching the jerk face ones walk by... hmm... this world is so weird and capricious...
....oh, on a side note of it all...i've really been missing an old friend... we haven't talked much for nearly a year... sad thing is...i can't do anything about it really... so we'll probably never speak too awful much again... just surface friends forever...ugh... not that i want it to be that way... but certain things have happened in the last few years that don't provide a very promising future for our friendship... sigh... it's best this way i'm sure....
i'm glad my God is a rock that never moves.... my solid foundation... and that He's loving... and definitely forgiving... He's such a great God...
stotrum for pretty days...and forgiveness

jeremiah fire

"i said, 'i will not make mention of Him, nor speak anymore in His name'... but His word was in my heart like a burning fire shut up in my bones; i was weary of holding it back...and i could not." (jeremiah 20:9) God is in love with us enough to sacrifice His only Son... He speaks about us... He lived for us...He died for us... you'd think the least we should do is talk about it... not out of duty...but out of desire. our passion for Christ should be something the world can't take away... oh something we can't even separate from our lives... something we can't help but cling to and long for... an interesting thought i heard long ago, but was reminded of recently, "He's had enough of emotion from He wants dedication." there are going to come times in our lives when we don't feel like praying, reading, or seeking after God... but we must... those times we're running on Him and not on anything we can offer... gosh... those are the instances in our lives where true refining is able to take place... i love Him i love Him i love Him... but it could be so much more... what patience He has...
may everything about me decrease...and everything about You in me increase... may my love for You burn in my where i can't hold it in if i tried...Christ, overtake me...

"and you shall burn the whole ram on the is a burn offering to the Lord; it is a sweet aroma, an offering made by fire to the Lord." (exodus 29:18)

unsuspected words

i want to describe a moment i had the other day. i'm not sure when it was...i know it was sometime during the end of this last week... it was not such a bright day, but extremely calming... there wasn't sun, but the temperature was perfect... a perfect fall day (besides having no sun)... i'd spent some awesome time with God that morning, so He was pretty present in all my thoughts and stuff... i can't really remember if i was at complete peace with Him or not.. but i remember going to check my mail.. hadn't checked it in a while...i never usually get anything anyway... but actually had something... at first, by the typed words, i figured it just more junk mail... but i opened it moreso and the first words kinda stood out... after all, it's not every day someone addresses you as a "proverbs 31 woman"... hmm...i stepped out into the cool afternoon wind and found a nice comfy bench...settled myself and read whatever this author had to say to me... some of the things they wrote were very relevant to my life as of that day...and one thing was just something God had been teaching me for quite a while now... hmm... it was great feeling so enveloped by God that afternoon... He was everywhere... and i thanked him for encouraging letters from a friend... and if i wasn't at peace before i walked into that post office i assure you i definitely was after it....sitting on that bench with the wind breezing by gently and leaves skipping across the ground... and knowing that a friend labeled me as someone i strive daily to be...*sigh* it was just one of those moments where the world stands still and you can look around and smile.... seems i've had a few of those lately... stotrum for uplifting's so wonderful to realize something you've done was able to bless another...