Thursday, February 25, 2010


it's hard to let go of things sometimes...

pretty lame-o, if you ask me...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Chinese Proverb

Go to the people

Live among them,

Learn from them,

Love them.

Start with what they know.

Build on what they have.

But of the best leaders,

When their task is accomplished,

Their work is done,

The people will remark,

‘We have done it ourselves’.

attempt to know

i can't quite wrap my mind around what's happened in the last few months. no, africa didn't turn out as tho i had expected it to. actually, nothing like it. i didn't rescue anyone really... i didn't even learn terribly much about tropical medicine. i did learn quite a bit from observation of the culture and immersion among the people. i guess that's real life for you. all these dreams and schemes can't look like the romantic adventure you thought it would be...except, i didn't think it would be that. i just thought i'd get to practice more medicine. maybe assist in a more involved healing than what was offered to me. definitely thought i'd see at least one birth or surgery.

i guess i did see that circumcision. the one the nurse completed with a sickeningly dull razor blade and pieces of fishing line to tie bits of bleeding flesh together to inhibit some of the bleeding, while i held his slender, but strong three day old thighs still and apart and out of the way.

i suppose if i was true then that one experience would be considered worth all the efforts i went to get to him... except i did go for some other things besides one experience. mmm

and then there's oregon. haha.
it's kind of unbelievable that in their own way each of my two greatest dreams have pulled up short or failed less than 4 months. of course of course i have not quit either. i will not retire my desire to serve people, at home and internationally, nor will i hang up my passion for the west coast pines simply because the first time i pursued them i met a fraud and found myself scammed in one form or another. to be very honest, things have not worked out for the best of what i intended, but they have worked out very fine indeed. somehow i am in a better position, as far as finances and flexibility, than i was before.

i'm just not excited about being the windup mouse toy in the middle of the kitchen floor. you wind that sucker up and he goes and he goes. and when he hits a wall, why...he doesn't stop, but only changes directions. and he heads in that forced and newfound direction with all the zeal and focus that had driven him prior. no...somehow i desire more control than that.

but as i've learned in the last few months... perhaps our desires are not meant to be. or at least not at the moment we desire them....or even years later....

honestly, i'm kind of a weakling in 'seeing the big picture' of things. i suppose that's why i feel it's important to often accept things as they come to me and work with them...roll them...knead them...mold them into something that comes natural to you... i think that's sometimes better than going against the grain to fight for something that's not happening. like wanting chocolate cookies when i only have the supplies to make oatmeal in my cupboards. or i suppose i could go to the store at that point...but then i'd get home only to find i forgot milk....why not compromise and use applesauce instead or should i get back out there? the party starts in an hour! oregon is not pushed out of my mind. i'll live there someday. but someday doesn't have to be today. and i'm okay with that. and i don't feel like a quitter either....

actually i'm quite excited about things. about a more settled home for a while... perhaps...some stability...
some getting good at guitar...some growing a garden...some reading...some rest....
but what do you do at times like these?
a lot of times i look for something else to set my eyes on...

not gonna lie, i feel a little burnt...a little nervous to set my eyes on anything too enticing...

but i'm sure my heart will be buzzing soon to long and wait for something sooner than not....

at least once i'd like to feel like i got it together. like i did it right. like i'm exactly where i was meant to be.
without having to convince myself of it...haha
maybe that's something we're all just supposed to believe anyways.
without anything.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

bad day

things just don't make sense to me
i hear conspiracies behind their theories
i see a smile cloaking disdain
and their eyes turn away

i'm lost.
i feel so lost in these thoughts.
i'm sure i'm supposed to just put them away
because the truth's not there
i feel like frank sitting there with lies in my eyes
black and dark more empty than the night
i wear them. i wear them like heaviness
like water in the skies and tears in my eyes
the walls don't fall..there's something between us all

and it doesn't make sense to me
i hear conspiracies behind their theories
i see a smile cloaked in disdain
and their eyes turn away

i'm lost.
it's like the lock and key don't fit together
your jokes don't register with me
and i'm lost when everyone's around
they stand there found…apart from me
and god times like these they come and go
my head is clear, my eyes they know
then clouds roll by and fog sets in
i turn my headlights on but i can't win.

it doesn't make sense to me
i hear conspiracies behind their theories
i see a smile cloaked in disdain.
and their eyes turn away

bad list

things i can't seem to get right:

1. losing my keys
2. writing thank you notes
3. remembering birthdays
4. showing the people i love that i love them
5. getting things done
6. communicating
7. seeing the big picture

things i sometimes get right:
1. drinking water
2. going natural
3. taking showers
4. riding bike
5. doodling
6. texting sara
7. sharing

things i ALWAYS get right:
1. being ridiculous

Friday, February 19, 2010

ooo excitement

oh life.
so i was headed out to oregon around a month ago... stopped in st louis to check out the arch. we also ended up checking out the AWESOME St Louis City Museum It was amazing. Truly a great experience to go there. You remember those places or experiences you had when you were a child that you were able to return to as an adult only to find they lacked any of the luster they had before? Well...this place was lacking in nothing....a place where an adult returns to childhood and can dream again...anyways...i had a lot of fun. it was one of the best days of my life....and then when we returned back to city parking where our cars were supposedly waiting in the paid-for-parking-spots...we found quite the surprise. my friend's car was broken into and my car (and all life possessions) were altogether gone. this was only the beginning of a tail chasing tangle of job searches, identity thefts, insurance policies, and country crossing attempts. i spent a few weeks in oregon just hanging with some family and after 3 1/2 weeks of it my car was found in st louis!! i traveled back to check her out only to find her in precisely the same condition i had left her...minus a working lock on the driver's side door and numerous valuable possessions. i couldn't believe my luck!!!! i kissed her steering wheel and drove her home! since then i checked back with my old job and found there was still a position available with better hours and more pay so i hopped on it. although my dream was to hit the west coast, i suppose a few more months of the bluegrass won't hurt me... life. so incredibly unexpected and pleasant. i've really enjoyed all the excitement, but wouldn't mind some stability for a little while. maybe i can hit haiti up during the week a couple times this summer...spread some love.

maybe i'll wait for the hectic to quiet down a bit..

Friday, February 12, 2010


oh life.
sweet sweet life.
unmask yourself as the river you are
where plans may belong to man
in one form
yet carry on like sand
gone gone gone through your hand
i had plans
i had plans
and life...
oh life...
slip through my fingers
make light my toes
carry me like water
in and out up and down
the rows
the rows
up and down the rows
heaven or hell
succeed or fail
i had plans
and since they fell to the lands
does it mean
could it mean
my heart can't see?
what i think i thought wasn't meant to be?
that this life i dream
isn't meant for me...
or just now..just now..just now
i must wait
take a step back
don't be afraid to be late
soak in this moment
where i thought i ought not be
and realize
just realize
this moment's meant for me...