goodbyes to friends, hello new chapter

this week was full of goodbyes. i suppose it began by visiting my home church in campbellsville. then moorehead, ky to spend some precious last moments with sara, a dear friend of mine. my last 3 nights at UK hospital were very eventful. i was showered with generosity, kind words, good food. i even got a cookie cake that said "jokes" on it and a necklace reminding me to "be the change i want to see in the world" and gifts of tylenol and toothbrushes that will hopefully help some cameroonian soon to have headache relief and a brighter smile. saturday morning i was taken out for breakfast by some of the girls at work. it seems so surreal that i have to say goodbye to these women who've been such a joy to work with and know. the ladies of 5th floor at UK have taught me so much about caring for patients, serving people, and providing great medical care. i don't know what i'll do without having them by my side as excellent resources and friends! saturday night it really hit me that i was leaving. i think my heart broke a little bit, watching old friends go and sensing the finality of my moments. i've been so blessed to have such amazing friends this last year. sunday night my church prayed for me. it was really special hearing their words. i've learned so much about love and faith from these people. i've never known such a simple and kind community. they've really challenged me to be good to people, good to the planet, and to live faithfully and patiently.

my drive away from lexington tonight was a little lonely. i felt like a person who was choosing an experience instead of relationships. i could see the ways people might feel abandoned. it's not like that though. the people that have been in my life thus far have shaped me and inspired me in so many ways. i suppose this is my thank you note to them. all of them.

as for this next chapter of my life, i can hardly contain my excitement. i get to share all the things that have been shared with me. i get to give back a little. i feel like i'm about to fly a little bit. and while i'm sure my heart will break even more when i have to say goodbye to my family, i can only look forward with long awaited anticipation.

8 days

really it's like 7 days and 4 hours because we have to leave so early on the 15th. i drove to visit a friend yesterday. we went out for wings and a couple drinks. i just want to spend as much time as i can with the people i love.
i have the next week piled in my mind. i have so many things to think about.
saturday i'm going to try to come here again to visit this friend. she and i are very close.
i need to think about getting an adapter/converter for my camera battery while in africa.
i need a case to wear under my clothes to hide my money in.
i will speak at church on sunday about my trip.
i will work tonight tomorrow and friday, saying goodbye to the girls i've spent the majority of my time with...at work anyway.
i will go home on monday and leave on thursday morning early.
i will say goodbye.
i will cry.

it's so crazy that i really get to go. i'm so excited. i hope i do a good job. i hope i'm useful. i hope i don't forget to listen. i hope i learn so much. i hope the doctor and i get along well. i hope my camera doesn't get stolen. i hope it's fresh. i hope it's what i think it might be.

booo....

My little sister's sitting next to me, making a purse out of a piece of paper...all dressed in pink. She woke up this morning and as she stood in front of a mirror 4 times her size brushing her near-white hair she softly remarked, "I'm wearing pink" and made a content little smirk. Now she asks me my favorite color several times before she assumes that "you" means "red." I see her writing my name in red crayon surrounded by hearts.
I'm leaving her soon.

I spent a lot of time with the family this weekend. My other little sister who's smart and witty and completely loving, let me lay my head on her belly and she brushed my hair with her fingers til I fell asleep two nights ago. I'm gonna miss her so much.

And my mom. Always sure and usually right.

And my little brother, eager to help and totally kind. He usually asks me if he could cook me an omelet in the morning and always asks to help carry heavy boxes.
My oldest younger sister who's going through the teens and seems pissed off a lot of the time, but is smart and beautiful and doesn't always know but then knows it all too well.....

I'm just going to miss them. I was a little sad about leaving for the weekend.. just one weekend. I've cried a couple times just leaving them after spending a couple days when i'd see them again in the same...
I know it's so selfish. They're such a comfort to me. This last year when things were rough, or when I felt upset about work, or I made some bad choice, or I just plain missed them I would come home and depending on the hour I would knock on the door to my mom's pleased "theresa!" and crawl into bed between two huggy warm bodies and sleep until kid laughter or dog licks woke me up. I just enjoy being around people who live and love so purely and simply with no hidden motives, no stipulations or requirements. They've really taught me a lot about love.

All I know is that if nothing else does, memories of them will always keep me warm. Hopefully I'll be able to remember everything

visa arrival

i got my visa today! so i guess that means that i'm really going. they DID only assign me a three month visa, but hopefully the doctor can change that when i get there. hell, if i come back a month early maybe i'll try next summer to make a one-month medical trip to south america before i head to europe. we'll see.

getting ready

To my few and faithful readers (or just the random passerby):
I present my newest blog:

to africa

I'll still be posting here, but once overseas I may have limited resources/time and will aim to write in as few places as possible.
So, here is my official invitation to you to join in my endeavor to change the world.

tea in africa

sent my visa application off today! i hope i have everything i needed. i quadruple checked it and everything seemed to be in order. i spent $275 on the visa fee and application fee combined. $10 to mail it.
i still need bug repellent...which i guess i'm looking at $100 expense there. seems odd to spend that much on bug repellent but 1) it's a 4-month supply for use every day and 2) i'm doubtful of this type being available once in cameroon.
i also need a mosquito net.
eventually i should think about typing up a packing list. i planned on only having one carry-on pack, but with the bug repellent i suppose i'm going to have to place one underneath.

i think i'll be starting a new blog. one solely focused on africa. not sure where to start it or what to call it...

i had an interesting run-in with family yesterday. they were talking to me about my trip. they didn't understand why i wanted to go. one of my aunts declared, "if they made me go to africa, i would kill myself." i was pretty surprised and questioned, "really, ann? you'd KILL yourself?" and she affirmed, "yes. i would rather kill myself than go to africa." .....then they asked me if everyone in africa ran around naked.

i'm kind of amazed at people. i know they don't understand my point or purpose. hell, i don't even understand it all the time, but it's obvious they're completely ignorant of other cultures and people. i know i am ignorant. i would like to not be ignorant. i would like to learn and come back and tell them the stories of good people who aren't animals and all the smart things i'll learn from the doctor in africa who wears clothes. ...of course there will be new rules to learn while living in africa, but i'm willing to learn them and i believe i'll stay safe enough by following them. i'm not really worried. life happens. you live and you learn and you trust...and i won't let fear stand in my way. i can't. my heart will explode.
if anything was to happen, if at all possible i believe i would keep it from them. i'm not willing to affirm their prejudices. ...

...it's so close now! 28 days til i can have tea in africa!

1 month notice

in exactly 30 days i will be on my way to afrika.
my letter came...the very day i put my one month notice in at work!
call it coincidence, but it sure as hell is reassuring to me. ...i was thinking about worrying.
so here i am, with most of my documents in order. i called into work due to my excitement to get things rolling...can you blame me? i have 'lack-of-motion sickness.'

i feel so excited. i feel right. i'm so excited!

drama

last night at work one of my coworkers got spicy with me. i hate drama. i hate being in a foul mood. i hate it when people are upset and there's nothing you can do to help them be happy..they refuse treatment. it seems like there are some people that have something shitty happening in their lives every week... i hate that for them..but i don't understand how ruining the vibe in the room for everyone else makes them feel any better. maybe it's me lost in my candyland world, but i think i'm generally a happy person. not everything in my life goes my way...i try to stay positive. i like to see other people smile so i make my useless ridiculous attempts. .... i know i'm not dealing with an unruly kid or an abusive husband or some lifethreatening circumstance so maybe i should have more compassion. it just sucks. going to work and people are pissed at their lives and they won't cheer up... ...i don't know if that has anything to do with why they snapped on me, but it happened.
guess i need to up my game in patient care. be more on top of things...perhaps then she'll be pleased. i dunno...she was definitely trying to help out and notify me about something she was upset about with a patient. i sort of felt like she was more upset that he just wouldn't listen to her rather than she was concerned that he needed to wear that particular equipment. i didn't see what she was concerned about as priority at the moment and she felt that i 'just didn't care so why should she'....which is what she said. that kind of stung. also kind of ticked me off. i was trying to help her relax a little bit. not feel so edgy. instead i made her feel like her attempts to care were pointless and unimportant, and that i didn't give a shit. (not my mindset, not my goal).
so...lesson learned:
1)if a tech comes to me with a concern..address it then. get involved. even if it can wait. if it's important to them, it's important to me.
2)explain myself.
3)ignore drama, unless it might be therapeutic for someone if i listened.

wounded

last night i met a man i suppose i should despise.he killed somebody close to him...then tried to end himself too. he had psych issues since he was young and had a brain injury when he was older... his face was all swollen and putrid looking. he had blood soaked gauze stuffed in his mouth like a pig on the table. he was tied down and the instructions that came with him included to notify certain authorities the moment he could communicate, and another set the moment he was ready to be taken to jail.
he didn't look evil...laying helpless with hands tied down and swollen arms and mushy face.
i just wanted to heal him. make him better. wipe the drainage off his face.
i can't imagine him not being sorry now...about what he did...
maybe i'm mental...but i couldn't hate him.
i can't hardly even be mad at him.
he just looked like a broken man.
somewhere in that monster there has to be one...

no sign

this letter of invitation still hasn't come.
the cameroon embassy won't answer their phones, much less call me back to answer my questions.
and i need to tell my boss that i'm leaving...my one-month notice...without assurance of this all working out....
one of my friends and i made a deal that if we're not married by 30 than we'd marry eachother... he's a little wild like i am...
so at least there's hope for something...haha...jokes.
i feel...separate from the issue of the letter not showing up. i feel...like it is my duty to be concerned about it due to the circumstance rather than because i actually feel concerned about it.
i feel like waiting. knowing. what is supposed to be will be so long as i do everything that is in my responsibility or control to do. so long as i do my part.
when i think about africa... i feel peace.
a peace whose loudness is greater than the roar of uncertainty, instability, and disconcertion i feel here.
i've questioned whether or not someone could label my actions as 'running'...from discontentment or the inability to live up to my own standards ....because honestly i can't get things straight here. i mess up brutally, hideously, horrendously. ...and you've heard it...if you can't be content here then you won't experience it there. If you can't live right here, you can't there.
But there's a dream...a reality...a drawing of my heart...to this. to this going the distance. this being the message. this living it out. this losing/giving of myself...
maybe i'll get there and i'll realize it was only a romantic fantasy. maybe i'll find that life there is like life here. maybe i'll find myself tired, empty, and void of response to the brokenness around me. maybe they won't need me or want me either.
...but maybe i will become alive. maybe i will find a purpose worthy of living. maybe i will realize my potential. maybe i will find what love is. maybe i will see jesus and he will be able to save me there.
here i have everything and more to numb me. to forget the experience. to become blind and/or to hide from him.
and i want to be raw. raw enough to love and be real...
i want to see. see truth and lies for what they are...
and i want to feel. feel love...

i'm not going to find a fix. i'm going... to live out what i know is right. "For me, an area of moral clarity is: you're in front of someone who's suffering and you have the tools at your disposal to alleviate that suffering or even eradicate it, and you act. " (paul farmer) ....i know no other way to have peace and become strong than to act out according to the things i feel the strongest for.

more thoughts on africa

i love africa's informality, imperfections, warm & welcoming people, i love its colour, i love that africa is alive with music & song, smiles & sincerity, i love Africa's children. I love the African Sun. Africa intrigues me, and reminds me to live for more than myself.- Taryn Archibald

i still don't have my visa stuff together...awaiting a letter of invitation from the doctor in cameroon.
but i know i'll be going. how can i not? i've waited for so long. i wish international travel was more simple than this, but... the way things are is the way things are, right?

people can't understand why or how i could go to serve..."for no pay?!?!" Is it really that foreign of a concept? I have more than some when it comes to resources/'skill'...it makes sense to me to share..even when it's difficult and not convenient. My parents taught me to do that with people...but even to them these dreams are inconceivable and difficult to understand.
I also enjoy learning about people and seeing different cultures. What better way to do this than to immerse yourself within a new nation?

My father, born and raised in a primarily white and southern region, asked me, "Bout all they got over there is blacks, ain't it?"
"Yes, I think in Cameroon the majority of the people have slightly more melanin in their skin than you and I do."
"huh...you better be careful."

...someone got raped on the campus near where I live last week...in the last year there have been multiple muggings and even kidnaps....

there are only people over there. people. humans. mothers. fathers. daughters. brothers. orphans. innocent people exposed to such hideous crimes and governments...governments that stand by the wayside. passionate people that dance and create and sacrifice for their families and loved ones. intelligent people that have been suppressed by lack of resources, family duties, and various other obstacles. people. made out of the same things i am. i want to meet them, learn from their stories, lives, and culture...and fix a cut if they have one.

i wish the world wasn't so ignorant...one-sided...selfish. i wish we shared more. i wish it was okay to love people and that we were more concerned with how well we loved than how many things we could come to possess in a lifetime.

"love the one in front of you." -heidi baker
"the only nation is humanity." -paul farmer

end of life issues

i read this blog and it talked about circumstances that you see at the hospital that challenge your moral and ethical opinions.
the gist of it is this:
an unresponsive very elderly patient, too contracted to move, talk, or eat...who moans in discomfort when you move them, yet you must because they're totally incontinent... and is otherwise a bump on a log except for the infection that resides within, moving rapidly....
a family that wants no end of life measures to be made because they have hope and want "everything to be done."

it is a challenging situation that provoked me to yet again bring up the topic of a living will with my mother. it's not really an uncomfortable topic... but it's an important issue that should be clarified in writing, really....i would say it's because my parents are gaining in age, but i've seen enough young people come through the hospital who's lives have been drastically changed while also losing their ability to communicate...and i've seen the families that wished they knew what they wanted. it's too huge a decision for the people on the sidelines to make for an individual. i don't want the responsibility of taking tubes out, negating my parents' lives....

i think i would like to be cremated and have the breeze of a mountain top carry me away....but maybe i need a more solid place of rest than that. ew i don't know...i don't like the idea of my body rotting and getting all nasty... but i like the idea of my body exploring and flying around... the only thing is, i would like a place where people could visit to think of me... like a stone or something. ... i wonder if this is correct? ...i don't think they ever cremated anyone in the bible. can my body be risen up if it's in a million peices? i have no idea...

after i told mom all that i asked her what she wanted and she said, 'i wouldn't mind a new car...' ...mom!

brenda

i'm hoping.
i'm hoping to make a change somehow. it's so easy to forget what you're fighting for..what you're headed towards. i want to love. live laugh love. bring peace to the world. fend for the needy. love the unloved. haha! give me hope!

i've seen brenda a couple times this week.
she's this homeless lady that walks around. let me tell you about her.

the first time i met her i was at third street stuff and she was wearing a red shirt and an old ball cap (one i haven't seen her without). she looked a little dirty. i actually wasn't sure if she was a she or not. and i wasn't sure if she was crazy or not either....i was just hanging out outside. maybe reading a book or something, can't remember that. she said she was hungry and wanted money. i told her to wait and i'd bring her something out. i went for a sandwich and when i returned she was gone. i tried to give it to someone else but they didn't want it, so i ended up eating it myself. i was a little annoyed. but then i thought maybe people might had done that sort of thing before to her so... oh well. i tried.

the next time i saw her she was looking for money for a bus. sure! i tried to offer her food again but she didn't want it. she just wanted money. for a "bus." right... i don't know if i gave her anything or not...

the next time i saw her i was with a friend and also speaking with this girl from highschool i ran into randomly. brenda started saying hey and asking for money i think.it's been a while. i don't think she recognized me.. i remember the awkwardness. the look on the girl's face...she was with some dude too so...it's interesting what goes through your mind when you have to decide how you'll respond in situations like this. with people watching. i was slightly embarrassed honestly, but i pushed my insanity away and took up some humanity. i spoke with brenda for a bit. she had a swollen lip. said she got hit by a car and had an infection in her mouth. she couldn't eat anything solid so i went in to try and get her some soup. i kept peeping out the window to see if she'd left me yet. surprisingly she was talking a bit to my friend from highschool. i was pretty excited about that. really pleased. anyways....she didn't leave me and i brought her a smoothie because the place didn't have any soup. luckily i chose a flavor she liked and a friend of mine and i spoke with her for a while. i learned that she had been addicted to cocaine and had lost her job and lost her home and all this stuff. she put in applications in lots of places as a dishwasher or whatever else they'd offer her, but couldn't get any responses.... i wish i remembered more of it. i just know she'd been through alot. but she was trying to get better and had been clean for quite a while. it was cool talkin to her that time.

i can't remember if i'd seen her between then and the other night. not sure. but i was out with a friend hoppin some bars sort of. i recognized her as she was asking someone for money. obviously people weren't in to her. sort of ignoring her. i called her over excitedly and asked her what was up. told her people carry cards on nights like that so if you lose them you can cancel them. luckily i had five bucks so we went to the hot dog stand and got us some snacks. chatted a bit. my friend was totally cool with it. people stared at us long after they had walked past us. how weird did we look? three people talking. don't they see that everywhere?

i wonder how you can help people like brenda? i have no home to invite her into. i cannot change the culture we have of shunning people like her. people we judge to be addicts and theives and ugly. people that can't find jobs because of our perspectives of them. people that perhaps have difficulties functioning like that anyways. i really don't know what long term good i could do in her life without sacrificing some of my own freedom. without giving her my time and more of my resources. who's willing to do that anyways? ....i'd like to think i would.
someday i hope i have a home i can invite her back into...to share dinner with me. maybe to watch a movie once in a while. to sleep if she needs it. why do we keep 'them' so separate? we treat them like animals or tigers that might swallow us whole or bacteria that could give us some sort of deadly infection...

brenda is not an infection or a tiger. brenda is a woman... born to oppresion and poverty....trying to survive. and God loves brenda. probably more than me most days...

the boy in the striped pyjamas

it wrecks me.
it wrecks me.

mankind can be so cruel. so selfish. so evil.

i fear.
bruno didn't know he was sacrificing himself.
he also didn't know what powerful message that sacrifice could inspire.
i wonder if the father recognized his iniquity having his own son suffer through it.
the jews were so disdained and yet, the soldiers couldn't tell one of their own apart from the 'enemy.' ... i think it's like that with most hatred for another human.

we close our eyes to their humanity.

in africa, we ignore. we keep them out of sight, out of mind.
we educate ourselves in our own opinions and continue in that mind frame denying any truths in opposition. i think we're afraid of the lack of control we would have over it all or perhaps we're afraid of finding we're wrong in ways...

and if we do take the time to see the differences, the inequalities, the circumstances...we deny responsibility. no need for us to sacrifice ourselves for them. no need to be bruno.

today

i don't know why i have such trouble writing about daily things without bringing in the blur of the emotional moment...i wish i could leave all the wacky emotions out of it. because those things change all the time and what happened today happened. that won't change.

...nothing really special happened today... it's just that i've been trying to write and everytime i open this thing up my hands want to just write about how i feel about life and i (the 'me' bigger than my hands) wants to write about things that mean something. ....so i end up never writing.

i did save some people last week. i wanted to write about it. didn't happen.
basically:
i stayed on the doctor's tails til they listened to me about a patient that was failing. they wouldn't care. they even went as far as to say "i don't care if he bakes" when i told them how high his temperature was ...i'll never understand why he said that. why it took so long for them to care. i think i should have handled it different. maybe called HIS upper level...the house officer or something...i called rapid response... but this guy was someone else's upper level since i couldn't get ahold of them (Blasted!), so maybe it didn't cross my mind at the moment. i did what was in front of me to do...completed some labs they said they didn't care about...and upped his O2 level...and attempted to suction him. when the kid's vitals got a lot worse then finally they decided to care a little bit and get the xray i suggested 2 hours before. when the results came back from that then they got a little more worried and decided to really care. it took four hours to get the team into the room to put a chest tube in. it really is beyond me why it took so long. beyond me. i hate that team.

this week i work four nights in a row.
tonight was a little ridiculous. i think trachs are my least favorite job. maybe i don't like them because that just means the patient is in bad shape and there is more work involved in them, like tubefeeds and highly likely incontinence. maybe that's why....and watching patients with trachs is usually depressing. they usually come into the hospital randomly and had a normal life before...some disaster ruined them... ...i had two tonight. and i don't want one of them tomorrow. i hurt her. everything hurts her. and she takes her mitts off and scratches herself til she bleeds. i don't like watching people hurt, by my hand or their own...

the new nurse helped me quite a bit..that's how busy it was for me... i don't really like the new nurse. she knows everything and was REALLY pleased to help me. i said thank you and meant it but if she brings it up i might bite her. forgive me...

another thing...i'm worried that my 'letter of invitation' that i'm waiting to receive from the doctor in africa isn't going to come through in time for me to apply for my visa. this would be quite unfortunate since i've been planning for this for at least a year and have my plane ticket and shots and everything else ready to go...and i told all my friends, families, random strangers....i hope it comes in time.

the beginning of my RN adventures

In the summer of 2004 I went to India on a volunteer trip and was face to face withintense medical deprivaties. I wanted to make a difference in the world that could last.Healthcare seemed like a prime option.

I graduated from Campbellsville Unviersity School of Nursing in May of 08.I passed the NCLEX and obtained my license in July of 08. From June 2008 to August 2008, I worked as somewhat of a CNA in a home health position aiding an MS patient.In that position I passed meds, worked with a PEG tube, tubefeedings, etc.

In September 2008 I began working at UK Chandler Medical Center in Lexington, KY. I started initally in a new graduate program which had me on an epilepsy monitoring for approximately 6 weeks before transfering to an Infectious Disease Unit. I've really enjoyed the challenge of working at such a great hospital and I've definitely learned a lot. Thankfully, I've had an excellent group of coworkers by my side as I grew and developed as a professional this last year.

To continue to challenge myself and persist in the dream of "being the change I want to see in the world," I plan on traveling to Africa in a 4 month position to follow a local doctor at a free clinic in October of this year. I'll return in February and will then be looking for work. I'm anxious to further broaden my experiences.

(written to a travel nurse agency...sort of)

a flash of my trip to oregon

this is my traveling outfit :)
we went to oregon and had all kinds of adventures camping and hiking and visiting with family.
i even got to climb mt st helens!








this is me and one of my sisters.
i only met her a year ago.
we look alike!







this is me at sunset.
i was visiting my aunt.
her 6 year old son took this.




this is me next to my little brother's grave in oregon.
i only remember his funeral.
i wish i knew him.






this is a lovely oregon sky.
i love her. with her pine trees and her huge skies.

flowers

i enjoy beautiful things

peace.

peace.

it's like a diamond hanging from the sky.
out of reach.

and those who need it...

like a child being dragged away from it's mother.
too weak to win.

like someone being swept into the void.
desperate for something to hold onto...
scraping the surface for something tangible and strong...

i ache.

the current towards the void is vast.
and the void.. the empty void.. echoes.

and i ache.
to hold onto something.
for love...
for peace..

bah!

my outbursts are inconceivable. is there any hope for someone as tumultuous as i?

bah!

the embarrassment.
diarrhea of the mind and mouth...

who will be my plug?
who will ignore the spill...or clean up after it?

forgive me...

strength

loneliness drives me to sin.

lack of community creates holes in me that liquor and lovers can't fill, no matter how many nor how much nor how often i consume them.

grace and love can save me.

i hope in the strength of the Lord, beyond all my weaknesses.

redeeming love

written by francine rivers....

if i could implant this book in my heart maybe i wouldn't be so quick to give up sometimes.

lord help me

gone now

anybody out there?
anyone else who feels the sting?
the emptiness that life will bring
spread so thin on the open floor
shadows laughing behind the door
closed closed closed to hope
desperate attempt to make an elope
closed closed closed to change
trapped in on the open range
i want more now
yeah i want more now
get this cat outta me
get this fat outta me
don't even know it, you're gone now
don't even show it, you're gone now

givin

favorite songs of the moment:
mistaken by strangers by the national
your smile is a drug by patrick park



your dark climbs over me.
shaggy shades of maybe wash me down
land slides on my sides
do i recognize this sound
sound of letting out letting go
giving up on saying no
a whole piece of me
needs a whole piece of you
to whole up this heart
that's been broken in two
you aren't mine.
you aren't mine.
but this feels divine
and i have no time
to wait
so pull me up now
drink out the me
yeah soak out the had been
and teach me to breathe

so much to do, so little time...

damn procrastination.

not only am i attempting to get my visa for afreeka, make arrangements for my trip in oregon, pay off my ticket, arrange to get required immunizations and meds for afreeka, but due to my procrastination i am also attempting to complete a course i've been meddling in for the last year (finishes at the end of july). i have to move out of my apartment by the end of july as well and i'd like to some how get rid of a bunch of my stuff in good ways like selling them, giving them to good will, or recycling. i have books that i'd like to read before i go, including but not limited to When the Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down and various birthing books, which can wait until the end of july really but...

today i need to finish a book i'm doodling up for my neice for her third birthday. tomorrow i need to send off my visa things and find a travel clinic. and every day until the end of july somehow i need to work in an assignment or two from that class. this weekend as soon as i get off work i have a volunteer spot at a community garden and tomorrow night i said i would help someone babysit and sunday i have a bike ride in the morning and at night i either have to drive home to go to my neice's birthday party or go to church cuz they're having a special service.

and right now. i need to get ready for work :( 12 hour night shift.

blast how am i so busy?
and all of these things are things i really do want to do.

i feel so overwhelmed. i need help.

sin

i hear the train...
a film between us
between me and the night
between my chest and life
a milky haze
warmth and softness seize my gaze
i awake in heavy daze
a heavy bitter glaze
my heart chokes back
my lungs feel flooded
i can't run anymore
too weak too done
ready to be undone
unwound unsung
lift the rod from my spine
take the lead from my breast
the yoke from my shoulders
the weight from my chest
stop the aches
the heart shakes
the body quakes
like a child i lay fetal
waiting to be saved
what day what a day
in what moment will salvation make way

today

i bought my ticket.

flood

i'm not sure what i opened my eyes to: a vision of myself in africa? the pain of leaving my hospital unit? the emotion of returning? (not even sure that will ever happen!)

i don't care if they move from their steadfast footing, but i want to shake people. i want them to see outside their boxes and just consider life and its possibilities and what love could look like, feel like, sound like.

am i love? do they see the love in me?

i love them. i'm overwhelmed with it. they don't have to change for a second but i love them.

the old glory nurse who's not too old. she's been there longer than any of us. she knows the unit and the people that work there like family (or at least she claims to). and as far as i'm concerned she's earned the right to leave a few things behind for the new nurse with new legs to finish up. she lives alone with her cats and seems like a man would have to have a spine of steel to come close to her. she knows everything.

next in line would be one of my favorites. she bought me a christmas present the first month i was on the unit. made sure i had a birthday cake too. occasionally she'll bring me treats from the kitchen when i tell her i'd rather she didn't with a lying tongue. i'm sure i'm the 5yearold child that won't shut up some nights but she'll laugh. she'll almost always laugh. and if she doesn't because of some stressful situation she'll make up for it a few minutes later by throwing something my way or messing up my keyboard or laughing at the way i make up my own words for things. she knows everything too. and she has shown me how to adamantly ignore the doctors and stand up for my patients, how to love them as well. she might talk big sometimes but she's one of the hardest workers and most open lovers i've seen. from what i gather she lives on a farm with her parents and goats enjoying her nephews like they were hers.

and then there's penguin. i don't know why i like that for her. she has long black hair. she watched me stumble my way through my first weeks of being on my own. oh! the questions i would ask! i bet she hated it. but she never said no to helping me. she always has her tubings changed and fresh new containers at patients bedsides, perfectly labeled in straight black letters. she's young and lives like it. free. i bet she was calmer back in the day before she lost the guy she loved. but she's such a good nurse. sometimes i feel like she's a cracked little egg i wish i could mend back together and stop what hurts.

seems like they've all sacrificed so much to love. i want to be like them.

i...

i receive a weekly discounted leave-immediately-this-weekend airlines email, which i religiously scroll through both domestic and international flights.

i sit on my back porch until midnight or one playing random songs i made up which can turn into something more ad lib.

i eat multiple multiple popsicles once i get started.

i have a 5x3 smilie face flag hanging on my wall which remains a bright daily presence....also 2 (posterior and anterior view) 2x5 posters of the human body, which i'm not sure i look at very often.

i like to lay in the sun and think about things or sleep. i like to lather on special hawaiian oil which my mom used to use when she was my age.

the first time i think i've felt like i might know some cool things that other people don't about medicine was yesterday driving to a farm explaining kidney failure and dialysis to a girl. she said wow. i felt excited.

i find ways to spend my time doing things opposing what i really wanted to accomplish. those things which most consume my time are guitar, writing, possibly (embarrassingly) facebook, and reading.

i have trouble saying how i feel if it might full on offend/hurt the other person.

i like eggnog taffy.

sometimes...

sometimes i feel dirty. or wasted like i haven't showered in a few days and i'm deprived of sleep a bit. or like a hole is in my xiphoid process area and a cave is there and dry things crawl in there and scratch. i feel like that usually the morning after i drink too much or if some boy forced me into accepting his suggestive comments as the norm and proper way to communicate. this feeling doesn't usually go away for a while. either i have to do really good things and spend lots of time with good pure people or i have to ignore it for a few days and not engage in any questionable behavior. then it gradually disappears and i feel good again. good like cold lemonade on a hot day. good like i'm okay and the cave isn't there and someone loves me.

sometimes i feel squirmy. like a bug that you press your finger on the back of their shell and they can still move their arms and legs but they must feel the weight of the floor against their chest and the pressure on their shoulders and they can't move. they can't escape. sometimes i feel like that bug. it happens when someone looks at me like they like me a lot or like they need me. it most usually happens with a boy because i know that any girl that looks at me like that will someday find a husband and it doesn't mean they'll need me forever. but with a boy you never know what they want. they might just want one thing. they might want things to last. and there's that chance they might not want things to last once they get to know me. so it's better to run away in the beginning. or at least try to. that squirmy feeling sure makes me want to run. ...i wonder if you hold your finger down long enough on these bugs if they ever calm down and let you keep them? and i wonder, if they decide to let you keep them, if they'll ever really love you or always wish they'd tried a little harder to run away.

sometimes i feel good. i look out the window and hope is written in diamonds and candy. like every tree has the best fruit and when you walk down the street rich possibilities hang out the windows of cars that drive by and beg you to join them. and you have all the time in the world to decide which one you want to ride with so you keep strolling along enjoying your popsicle and hitting things along the way with a stick you found. ...maybe even stopping to watch ants drink the beer from a can left there from the night before, wondering what they get out of it. all the while just enjoying the sunshine kissing your face and keeping you warm. you can't help but notice how green the leaves have gotten and how bright the colors of the flowers are when you have days like that. it's like they're laughing loudly at their own enjoyment of life, calling you over to celebrate...you just can't miss it.

one time i had this conversation with a guy that i met in a coffee shop. he looked like he could be homeless but then he told me about how him and his kids get together at their house and how he bought a van and wants to paint hippie pictures and sayings all over it just for fun. i think i got high just talking to this guy. i felt all buzzy and the world was blurry except for him and me. he was like forty and asked for my number just to continue the conversation. it seemed pretty innocent, but i gave him my email thinking i could ignore that easier than phone calls and i think he could see right through my facad because he never wrote me. i wondered if it was possible that we could have ever been friends, but i doubt it. doesn't seem like it's possible for a man to be friends with a woman, not one he's attracted to. seems like eventually somebody wants to touch somebody and then somebody gets scared and then it's over and your friendship is gone and all you got left is your heart in your hands torn a little bit.

men scare me. it scares me to get close to them. it scares me to really try to tell them who i am and give them time to get to know me. it scares me when they just say hello and ask me how my week went. it scares me when they start calling predictably. it scares me to be asked where i'm going or what i'm doing like they might judge me or accuse me of something that i didn't know i wasn't supposed to be doing. it scares me when they really look at me. or grab my hand. or touch my face. it scares me if they wanna be alone with me. sometimes i'm not scared. sometimes i like it. often i want it. but i guess when i think back to the long line of fools in my life i just don't know what to think about it. it makes me want to be in charge and say when things are okay and when they're not. it makes me want to hold my hand out and keep something between us..something that won't let them touch my heart. it's not always like this. only sometimes. ...

thoughts of today

by theresa
and heidi

We went outside to sleep next to the pool. Thought it might rain but it never did. The sun was bright and…well….life is good. And I have good friends. And I’m blessed.

I accomplished less than I thought I would; and have been more satisfied than I thought possible. Some people called me back others I’ll catch up with later. The day is easy, long, with results that could have been better. Most of the sadness is superficial… ok really the sadness is my sunburn.

Later in the day I went to communality. I just love the people. It’s just so free and pure and good: the couples and their babies and the families and their shared lives together. There was some dude from Australia and he was my partner in the discussion and…life and scriptures reiterated the fact that you don’t have to have it all figured out…chances are you never will. But it’s important to keep your heart and mind open to saying Yes to God and Yes to those in need. It’s important to love.

The colors are bright and pure today. My friends are faithful. My God is present… within. He seeps into my heart like a lover that’s won. He drips color into the sky, the grass, the cultures, the people. He lives in color and in clarity; even the color of my brilliant red sun tinged skin. All is from His hand and all is good, but not safe.

I guess you just have to take it day by day, moment by moment. Live and love purely. Remember that you’re good. Remember that God is in control and life is not just worth living but worth exploring too. Things have happened for a reason and I like where I am at. I like my roommate. I like that I have a skunk skin-peel design down my back. I like that I collect smilie faces and eat cotton candy for breakfast sometimes. I also like that I’m going to Africa to love people and attempt to be the difference I want to see in the world. Life changes and it’s beautiful. Each second is like a new dish prepared especially for you. I want to be someone willing to taste it all and remember to thank the Cook.

peace

"the lord will perfect that which concerns me"... psalms 138:8
"Now may the God of peace…make you complete in every good work to do His will." heb 13:20-21

now God of peace, do what only you can do. work out your righteousness in me, work out your good in me, work out your love in me. i don't always have what it takes to do right by you. so many times i put my hope in shallow places. so often i don't hear you on account of the loudness of my situations. speak to me, and when you do, give me grace to listen. please....

you are good and i am yours.

thank you thank you thank you
for all the good you are
and so much more

UP

what a great movie!!
ush i loved it. was such a good story... the only thing i hated was that they never went on their adventure together. *sigh* but what a great lesson in the end anyway. she knew life was an adventure in itself. the daily awakening to possibilities unknown... enjoying the people in your life... love...love is an adventure. but i do wanna go to my own paradise falls. i want to explore the mountain tops, the creatures, the world... i don't want to sacrifice my relationships with people solely for adventure though. hmm..

and then there's the whole route in speaking about the direction of life that you can go when the Lord is involved. you know, leave your mother and your father. let the dead bury their own. seems pretty obvious but i wonder if he meant something else. i wonder if there's something deeper there.

this issue is facinating me. this issue of leaving your mother and your father, pursuing the Lord, living life in one place and exploring the world. this issue of what the hell do i do after africa...haha. man, life is good. i know i'll be guided in the right direction...and wherever that direction may be..i know there will be good in it.... because i think i'm learning to trust :)

are you really going?

africa.

i haven't bought my ticket yet. (still working on savin the funds)
i've got oral surgery coming up...those damn wisdom teeth :)
car insurance, but i'll get some of that back...
still would like a nice camera before i go, we'll see...
i need to save up the money i need to live there..
and there's visa fees and shots i still need to get...

i can't believe i've been living here since last september, that it's been 10 months. i could have had a child by now! :) ... i freaked when i thought i had to stay here a year. but i made it. and i came out with a good years experience and my loans paid off, not to mention a years worth of learning about life and God... thanks, Lord. it's been challenging. at first i was like a fox caught in a cage...and then that panic transforming to accepting to stay and that turning into liking it here...maybe considering staying. but probably won't. actually...i don't know where i'll go after africa.

there's someone who, whenever they see me and africa gets mentioned, they ask, "are you really going?" ...not like: i can't believe it, how could you? ...but more like: really? you're for sure about it now? ........................................................i've been pretty for sure of it for a while. i've been thinking about this trip since last october.



honestly i'm not sure what to expect in my experience of africa. no doubt it will be something i couldn't expect... my experience to india tells me i can't always be prepared for what i'll see... i guess i'm doing my best to go with an open mind, to learn from these people, to learn about their culture, to learn about the healthcare system in a third world country, to learn about the lady i'll be staying with and her life and her family... i don't want to impose on their paths. just come in and tell them how things are done in America. i don't want to do anything but learn and love and hopefully share some of the skills i've learned here in the hospital.

i wonder what loving people in africa will look like... i wonder what people the Lord will ask me to pray for....i hope i hope i hope that He bleeds through me... in love and service, in whatever way He wants. i hope i learn what sort of actions i can take to make a bigger difference in the world, to enlighten people to the injustices that take place, to move people to take action themselves to love people and change the world they live in.

Lord, guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for in you i hope all the day long.. psalm25.5

jesus

life... it's so vague. so huge. so broad. the unlimited possibilities. unlimited paths. why can't we believe that God is just as big and huge and broad and can look like so many different things- some of which no one has ever dreamed of.... i wonder if i portray him well. ..or if i've gone off some deep end.

i wrote to someone just today that i feel happy with my life. i feel happy where i am...here on my own, on this cement sewer cover, in the sun, with my water bottle by my side claiming that life is good, with 13 miles of biking behind me, and 12 hours of nursing ahead... i know life is good and that it takes time for things to change, for me to change...and sometimes things don't have to change. i feel like i'm not trying to convince myself that my life is full and good anymore. that it is. and it will become more so full and good as the days go by...walking next to God and learning from people around me. yes, goals are in place, but i'm not going to get there by racing...a steady pace wins the prize.

occasionally anxiety rises up. i'm fooling myself. it's not true. there's no hope yet. ....i've gone off the deep end and lost sight of the truth. but i close my eyes and reorient myself... the Lord is good. and i love him. and my hope is in him all the days long.

life...

i weep, not for the life lost but the life left. people live so broken. old wounds ulcerated by unforgiveness. if i could i would massage their heart...let it feel caressed for a moment. initiate a solution of love into their veins. that they might know Him. that they might know His love. perhaps my heart is healed only for now, only for this moment, but i feel whole...and only by His grace do I feel loved. how can i ignore His hand in my life? like a child i accept my Father's hand... let Him whisk me high above the land and rest for a moment in the truth that He says. I am His. I am good. and there something to hope for... so love..love...love... until the end.

success!!

Goals:
1)repay student loans (woooo!!!)
2)plane ticket to afreeka
3)nice digi cam

so far i'm on track..
thanks to the support of family and friends :)
and thanks to the Lord...

hope

investments

three (+1 xtra) TOP investments/savings currently in movement/process:

1). student loans: 72% PAID...28% TO GO! (~4 weeks + one extra day)
2). plane ticket to Africa... 3 weeks income.
3). nice digi camera...most desired: Rebel XSI.... 2 weeks.

xtra necessary savings afterwards: ~1.5 months (to pay my way while i'm in Africa)

approximate time necessary to reach goals: ~4 months.

time that i have until approximate departure for Afrika: 5 months.

PLUS: i have to fit in vacation (+vaca expenditures) for 2 weeks in Oregon.

...cutting it close there, missy.

wow...weird dream.

what a weird dream.

i don't remember exactly where it started, but i was with my family at a gathering and mom handed me this baby and it was nick! (my little brother) only...he was just a baby. it didn't make sense. he was so cute, i was crying remembering how small he used to be. he was talking and it was so funny because of how small he was. then all of a sudden there was a small version of amanda as well. and her grown up version was just sitting nearby next to another relative. everyone was laughing because they were so young and sweet.

anyways. i found out that there was this big minority race issue when we were born and (even tho those two were born from both my caucasian parents, in the dream they were born from my half indian father). apparently, my mother had twins of each of them and when she gave birth the gov't decided to take one of the twins of each set away and put them in a home because they didn't want as many minorities free. obviously they weren't cared for as well, because they were smaller and less physically developed. i was crying and holding them so closely, sad that i hadn't had them close to me through all the years. i found (in the dream) that my mom had gotten with my indian father in hopes to obtain her missing children because he was a soldier and he had lied and said that he had more power than he really had. when my younger brother died she gave up hope and separated from him. and hadn't had enough resources to retrieve the two babies until this day.

so at some point i was taken into this room and put on this table. this possibly has something to do with a woman's health magazine i was reading at the coffee shop the other day, but...
these people told me to get on the table and ..well i thought i was having a child and i wanted to make sure they didn't take one if i had twins like they had done to my mom. i thought it was a little sketchy of an area, but...thought i'd wait to see what was happening. they turned the lights so dark i couldn't see and they did something, but it didn't hurt that much..i thought they took something out of me. didn't know for sure. they asked what could make me more comfortable and i requested lights and they turned on just a dim dim light. then they said there was another procedure they needed to do. they had me spray a numbing substance on myself. they said that my personal area had formed into one thing and they had to "remake it". it seemed like they were going to cautarize the area. i was afraid they weren't telling me the truth and when someone near me mumbled, "i'm not really sure they need to do that." i felt courage enough to request more information. they never really had a straight answer.

so at some point i tried to run away. there was a big chase scene. i'm wondering if my brother was there. everyone was after me. sometimes there were many sometimes there were few. i was trapped in this barn too, where they tried to do the procedures on me. at some point we were underwater and this man had a hold of me. this girl hit him for me and i also tried to lure him away from her. i hid and threw dirt over myself. i never ran out of breath, but at some point i realized we weren't underwater anymore and he was better at chasing me on land. finally i acted like i would do the procedure and ran towards the table...then past it.. but didn't get far. they caught me. so we were all standing around and i want to say that my brother and another dude started talking chest lingo in order to escape. everyone else thought they were talking about the game. ... we edged towards the door. we broke through one door and came into a room full of people. i felt like they weren't involved in what was happening and maybe would help us so i ran. i don't know fully what happened to the others. but i made it to the gate. i heard someone yell behind me "find your buddy"...and i heard someone yelling my name looking for me. but i ran. i climbed this rock and metal fence, pulling myself with my arms...and on the other side there were only pipes so i slid down fairly quickly. i was out.

i hid in the bushes. it was dark and they drove by with lights and stuff, but there was nothing they could do so late. i stayed as still as possible. at one point i was looking up and two people saw me. i realized they were the people that helped me. a pig was looking at me...i realized it was a man in a pig suit. he smiled at me. i guess he wasn't out to get me either. i really wanted to go back and get my friends. i waited. somewhere i saw that due to the pressure of the search parties it took me 2.5 months to go 1.5 miles. i don't know what i did in all that time. it flash forwarded to a scene where someone from the enemy team kept eye contact with me and i escaped through a space where i guess no one could follow me. and that was the end.

how weird.

mom

so i graduated nursing school last may right? right. well there were several times i called my mom and wanted to quit... several times! she was definitely my rock and the one who believed in me and kept me going. so when my parents planned this humongous pig roast in celebration of my victory of merely passing school (not yet had i passed the NCLEX boards-they were still proud of me and believed in me!), I decided I needed to do something to thank my mom. i decided the best way to do it was to sing her a song thanking her in front of all these people..family friends, strangers... i never sing by myself in front of a large crowd so it was pretty hefty feat, but... my mom is probably the greatest woman i know so... being a fool for a giant crowd was nothing. she's worth so much more..
but here are the lyrics:

i remember reading stories on the bed
i'd fall asleep with pricilla the pig dancing in my head
i'm sure i was more trouble than i know
writing on walls
always putting on a show

i wish i knew just what you've done for me
wish i could sift through time and look just to see

one day i lied and it tore me up inside
i went to your bed to tell you what i did
i told you i was sorry, thought i'd get the belt
but you said i forgive you
and i knew how peter felt

can i ever tell you mom, what you've done for me
i think you're the mom one day i hope to be

about 3 years ago i called you
told you i found something else i'd like to do
you said go ahead, i'm all behind you!
and i went on my way knowing it was true.

can i ever tell you mom just what you've done for me
i'm sure you're the mom one day i hope to be

just the other summer i thought i'd lost my way
i called you up to spit out all the words i couldnt say
i thought you'd give up on me, could it possibly be true
but you said, " you're beautiful and i'll always love you."

can i ever tell you mom just what you've done for me
you are the mom one day i hope to be

now here i am today thanking you
for helping me see all my dreams come true
there were times when i didn't think i could
but last night you told me you always knew I would.

can i ever thank you for what you've done for me
you are the mom one day i hope to be

cage.

oh tomorrow. i may do the same, oh...
i'll take my drinks in place of you.

please break through
break through
breathe through these walls of mine.
because i need you and there's no time...
and i'm afraid.

...

how was life 3 weeks ago a dream of sunshine and hope and now i feel like a skeleton with just a bit of flesh draping from my weary bones..? it's probably the choices i've been making. oh grace...grace grace... find me. clothe me in righteousness. i've smeared my life on the sheets. sold my joy for six dollars. i've grabbed ahold of limbs that i already knew were broken. got distracted and attracted by filthy lips and had my precious hope stollen from my clutch before my very eyes. oh, hope come back to me. don't break me down. break me down. break me down and build me from the scraps he's left me. build me from something new. something new. take hold of life and plant it. plant it. oh please take root. seep in deep. filter the life in my veins. clean what remains of me. take the glass from my foot. the splinter from my heart. there's more to me. there's more to you. there's more to this life. oh grace grace grace...find me. clothe me in righteousness. i've smeared my life on the sheets. sold my joy for six dollars. got distracted and attracted and i'd like my hope back please.

thinking

Someone said... Life.s too short to be unhappy. ... I think my mom.s right when she says i think too much. ... The cons of analyzing.

i'm a fish

i can't imagine being a fish.
especially the one living in my own little bowl.

i try to pull the shades up for him so he can see some light,
i don't always remember to, but he doesn't really respond to it...

he swims around this one piece of plant in his world.
sometimes he races around and the little balls on his waterbed jump up.
i like it when he does that, because it makes me think he's playing.

i want my fish to be happy, but i'm afraid his world is too small.
how can he be happy in that small little world.

i probably feed him too much, but i never want him to be hungry.

sometimes i try to talk to him, but he never really responds.
maybe someday he will.

i think if i was in a little bowl with so boring a landscape,
such cold hard walls, and nobody to chill with
and some big person tapped on the jar to speak with me
i'd make all efforts to show them i was interested,
but that's just me.

i just can't imagine being a fish.
especially the one in my own little bowl.

lonely. not me.

today i had a good day. i saw a movie all alone. it was a movie about something that had happened in the world...through a child's eyes. it was really interesting. i was so happy to be there. experiencing someone else's experience. sort of. i sat among people who i felt also wanted to share in the child's life. to see something outside of their world. to care for a moment about another's trials/troubles/world. i feel a part of something bigger than myself at these movies. a part of a giant earth. but i laughed out loud (being myself) too loud and someone turned to look at me like i was abnormal. and i realized maybe not everyone was ready for that intimate connection of being friends and family. of being fond of one another's differences...oh well.

i left this film to sit in the sun and enjoy my book.
i sat for a while. having difficulties focusing sometimes due to the brightness.
a man approached me...obviously a bit down trodden. ...a dude that probably hung out with the homeless.

"hey.. nice day out for reading?" he says.
(why is this strange guy talking to me?)
"yes...the sun is nice." i say....looking at him sideways from my book.
"i saw you sitting here all by yourself." he says.
(oh...what does he want from me? is he hitting on me?)
"yes...i like to read." i say....glancing at him and then burrowing in my book... a bit afraid?
he hesitates....
"yeah..so. .... .. i thought i'd come say hi.... i thought you might be lonely" he says.
(no..i will not go out with you...please don't come closer, please don't touch me.)
"no...i'm not lonely." i say...... maybe another glance..and holding my book closer to my face as if to show that i had company and wasn't alone...
"oh...well..have a nice day" he says
"you too." i say.... half smiling as he walked away.

as he walked...(being wary of him in case he looks back...or comes back)...i glanced after him. then i stared after him. nearly aching. nearly going after him. what if he doesn't have the friends or family or acquaintances that listen so well or care so much like the ones that I have? what if he goes home to no one....or nothing...? what if it's just him?

...what if HE was lonely?

a day to decision

here's the challenge. what do you want? your ultimate sketch of a possible life.

it's kind of hard to do.

for me:
there's the lure of Oregon's beauty...adventure and familiarity...
the extreme wilds of following a doctor in Africa...
the sophistication of studying in Europe...
the comfort and safe environment to grow @ home...
the test of patience and trust to stay where I am...

Lord, your will?

geez. my eyes are wide open. what's the story going to be, hey?

what do i want?

direction...

i'm a bit afraid...
very likely going to africa at the end of the year..
it calls me you know... the people... the adventure...
...the hope for opportunity to change the world..
however small that change may be...it'd be nice to make a positive mark on the world...
the fear is...that if i'm not happy here...i won't be happy there either...
the thing is...i am happy here...
until i start listening to the insecurities that hide inside me...
but i've been learning to say no to them :)
i think sometimes my emotions get the best of me.
and i think when i see him sometimes i feel i'm not enough...
and that feeling sticks with me for a few days...
i kind of hate that.
i make silly decisions because of that...because of the way i feel...

my hope is bigger than that...
my dreams are bigger than that...
my purpose is bigger than that...
my heart is stronger than that...
my God loves more than that...

help me remember....

i'm not done with you

i was driving home today... driving and looking for some hope in the song i was listening to, in the hills i was passing, in the One i was speaking to... and we hadn't been talking for long.. but all of a sudden i was overwhelmed by the sense that He said "i'm not done with you..." "i'm not giving up on you..." it wrapped around me as thick and real as a blanket would have. sometimes He's real like that. sometimes He's close like that. it's so shameful how often/easily i'm distracted from Him... the mountain of God looms ahead of me, a promise and purpose as real as you and i...."keep climbing" He says. the roadside promises are distractors.

it's like when you're headed to a big attraction in the middle of nowhere..typically, along the way there will be these side stops promising the best "souveniers" and "gifts" that nobody else has... if you stop, it only postpones you from the experience that you ultimately drove for. if you stop, you only end up spending more money than you intended...and it takes away from the time you would have spent at 'your goal.'

hey lord...help me keep my eyes on the prize... my eyes on You. ...because You are the prize. You are the purpose. and all these sidestops are lies and only fractions of what You are....
thanks for not being through with me....

i must...

right? i must...?

the fear rises in me...
the hopes of my life rise...
like a mountain
luminous and unsurpassed in stature...
"the call of the wild"
no less wild than my wildest dreams...

i fear...
i fear i'll find my dreams were never meant to be...
i fear i'll find those things i hoped for most weren't for me..
i fear...my wildest dreams will never be...

a story of humility...

i was talking to my roommate. we sat side by side on my bed and discussed our different dreams of purpose and future.
she, dedicated to the poor of spirit...
and i, to the poor of the world...

i remember.
i remember sitting in front of a woman. she was loosely dressed in a dirt stained rose colored sari. her eyes were beady and moist. her nose sunken in. her hands clubbed and broken with stumps meant for fingers and wounds crusted over. her dark hair matted and pulled back. her tiny frame with wrinkles melting on the edges of her cloth, her smile lost in the ones on her face. and tears. tears glistened on her cheeks. she knelt before me.
i wept.

i didn't know how to change the things i saw. the overgrown houses with broken boards and mats laid out for beds. a dozen people fit into a room the size of mine. at least one mat of each room was occupied by someone immobile and unaware. people gathered their only possessions of dirty pots and pictures of family around and underneath a cot, if they had one. some places stank of urine.... one man: Balam. i still see him rocking. moaning. "always in pain" says a leper behind us. "if you help one man, please help him." i wanted magic to pour out from heaven and touch this man. i wanted hope to flood out. i wanted healing to drown these broken people. these people ostracized from their families, exempt from joining the rest of the world....
i wept.
and that monster of a woman...
she wiped my tears with her disfigured paw.
she wiped them. smiled the brightest smile. and through her disfigured mouth and another's voice she told me:
"i thank God for becoming a leper. because if i had never gotten leprosy i would never have known him..."

and here i sit...in unconditional love from family, in health and wealth....and sometimes i have trouble praising the Lord.

i realize...i am helpless. i am a tool. a beloved tool.

i want to be where the lepers are. where the unwanted are. where the forgotten are. will i ever know God like they do?

change...

someday.
someday things will change.
no names will have a name.
food won't be a tool in government games
to get things their own way...
people will have a voice
people will have things to say
about poverty and freedom
about who in power should stay
bellies won't bulge
and arms will grow strong....
everybody'll be singing
and everybody'll sing along
to inequality and poverty
as something in our history
something real, not make-believe
eyes will open to the lies
greed will be undisguised
and hope will rise...
hope that people love
in something more than self
hope that people want
for something more than wealth

i hope someday i help things change...

so many words bouncing around my head

i worked last night. 7p-7a. more like 6:47p to 7:38a. infectious disease nurse. one woman who's been working as long as me might get hired to be an 'infectious disease specialist' in a local clinic. i was kind of surprised. ... i didn't know that kind of status would be available to newcomers like ourselves. kind of impressive. maybe i really am educated with some useful experience.
i get off work and go to get my 6month TB skin test due to our increased exposure on my unit. hopefully i'll remember to get it checked friday. the chance of a positive result is so slim. they should be testing my stool for VRE honestly. i won't go into details of why i'm highly likely negative for that as well.

i got home and decided to accompany the eliptical for a while. took a week and a half off for my birthday from exercising and my tummy can tell. ...i later read about the happenings in the world on BBC News ...i went to sleep thinking there's so much unrest. so much greed. so many technological and medical advancements. so much good that we could do.

i woke up to attend a lecture about sustainability (whatever that means [or meant]) ...

[note to self: >40* = perfectly good bike riding temp]

i think very often when i am faced head on with someone passionate about their cause/issue/beliefs i am also faced head on with some very oppositional emotions to varying aspects of their arguments. i can associate with the feeling of agreement. i can associate with the feeling of doubt, skepticism, or simply uncertainty. i can also be completely clueless. i think all of these are good. i think i can learn from and in all of these emotions.

during this lecture i wrote down words. words like: sustainable agriculture, globalization, capitalism, centralization, earth democracy, greed, poverty. i wrote down issues like: a gas leak in india, and the punjab conflicts. you know, i'm not even sure what all these entail or mean...much less, what they mean to me.

why do we have to internationalize our produce? why can't we grow locally and independently?

i left the lecture and went to a local coffee house for some food and drink... read some of Infections and Inequalities that so stirs me. ...so much of what Dr. Shiva discussed reminded me of the fight of Paul Farmer and vice versa. It's all linked. It seems to be. Agricultural Sustainability. Government-Supported Monopolies. Disputes/Uprisings in Africa. Poverty. Tuberculosis. HIV.

it's like governments are scheming from those most vulnerable...reducing them to poverty so they are more dependent...so they can be used as tools to be worked until death so that some man some where can sit atop his thrown of "success" and "prosperity."

who's winning here? it seems like there are so many injustices. so many human rights taken away if you don't have 'buying rights' a.k.a. money. who decided someone owns the water? the air? the land? i don't really know the balance of these things, but why are people exploited... used as tools? ..as experiments? as door maps and stepping stones...
where is the outrage that should come with injustice? or maybe just a little discomfort? ...maybe that's where the ignorance comes from... the discomfort. i think sometimes we choose ignorance over knowledge due to the call to action that knowledge might assume or the guilt that comes when action doesn't.

i'm learning so much. from Paul Farmer. from these lectures. from the people of Communality. from the films of the One World Film Festival. there are so many words i don't understand. so much of my faith i haven't linked my hands around. i want to be the change i want to see in the world, and i think i'm learning down the the basics of what that change might be.

i wonder...should i be preparing to go? or do i need to stay...maybe study? patience.

I left the coffee shop buzzing and aroused with incitement. i watched the moon for a bit and remembered i hadn't had time for it in a while. i watched two trains pass eachother. i watched the lights of the city. i pedaled my bike proudly knowing i was getting exercise and not polluting anything, feeling lush in my black coat and earrings.

hope.

hope.

hope.

23

so it's been my first day being 23.
it was so nice!

my big brother asked me if i wanted to go see a play like weeks ago...

so today i woke up and realized i had come home and forgot to bring anything to wear that was nice and classy...so i had to go find something BEFORE we left.

so finally i find this black dress with buttons on the front and black tights to go beneath it and i borrowed a girl's shoes because i had nothing. i was sharp :)

anyways... so we go see this play in louisville... we were late for the one show so we ended up walking around the streets (freezing!!) but stopping in for coffee at a place and wandering around to look at art exhibits and the science museum. we checked out how the flood season is in the amazon and how to build a dome and a bridge and then we played with this cool crane thing and built a...pile :) ...

then we raced to see a shadow puppet thing before the play...it was funny because it was one dude, a cut out pirate ship, 3 kids and maybe 3 adults. nice. then we went downstairs to enjoy some crabcakes and a couple beers...luckily they didn't card my bro even tho he's over 21..(he forgot his license) ... it's funny cuz all the girls thought we were on a date...they'd check him and then look at me and never look back at him..haha.... we had such great conversation and he's so nice and chivalrous. i love my brother.

the play started and it was SO Great!~ full of adventure and excitement and romance...and really funny too. loved it.

after it was over we drove home and went to see the end of a friends concert and played ping pong. then we went to another friends house and just chilled listening to music and playing chess. i was getting sleepy and i think i had a fever most of the day but i really had such a good time. i really enjoyed it more than i've enjoyed anything in a long time.

i really love my brother :)

love...

sometimes i wonder if i'm as serious about loving people as i say i am. ...like when it's hard or difficult... i.e. when i'm impatient with the nurse before me if there's extra work and an excuse that's 'not good enough'... or when i hold things against people and can't get over my emotions....

sometimes i wonder if i'm as serious about helping the poor as i say i am... like when i'm unwilling to wake up at 5am to feed them...or just that i don't make more of an effort to reach them. it's weird that i'm so set on reaching the homeless, yet i'm afraid to speak to the ones chillin at a public library...

sometimes i wonder if i'm as serious as loving and living in Christ as i say am... like when i look away from His obvious signs of direction and choose something in opposition to His ways.

i wanna do GOOD. you know?
be GOOD.
i want to be a source of goodness. with a good heart and do good things.
i think sometimes i get lost between the empire of great and the pain of bad.

it would be so nice to always be happy with the choices i make.
somehow i'm so impulsive at times that my head and my heart make decisions apart...one regrets the other... i've never been good at balance.

i'm not sure how to find it either.

23

it's coming...
a new time, a new age.

nursing...

wow.. so.. i had a crazy night last night.

one lady had been off her tube feedings for at least a day due to her DHT falling out. the docs hadn't replaced it, nor had they replaced the nutrition that she had been getting from it. they hadn't changed her scheduled insulin either. interesting. she did have D5 running, but during the night they ordered some K runs which took it's place for 4 hours. (another loss of the regular amount of sugar she'd been getting). i called the night docs about her lantus (long-acting) and they asked me just to give half of it. good thing i called. so i gave half of it. midnight comes around and her glucose level was 65! so we tried to get her to eat some crackers and drink something sweet. she did. and then threw up some of the crackers. nice. checked her glucose again 30 min. later...48!! called the docs and got half an amp of D50 which brought it up to like 117. good enough for me. no more insulin for her.

at the same time this is going on...i have this burn patient in another room who's getting tube feed as well. he's NPO. emv 11. so HE has a FS of 355!! I treat it with the scheduled and with the ordered sliding scale, right? right.

SO...six comes. time for more medication and more finger sticks.
i just figured i'd hold the scheduled insulin for pt #2 because i figured i'd treat his probably high glucose level at the same time as i administed the scheduled stuff, right? wrong....

patient number one? ....65. more crackers. more nausea. more sweet drink. i think she eventually came up but it wasn't til i was 'off my shift.'
patient number 2? THIRTY-FIVE! .... D50. MD to bedside. FS 160. will continue to monitor.

It wouldn't have been so bad maybe if there wasn't another pt feeling nauseated and another having a BM and i still had a dressing change to do and vitals were due and we only had one tech and were preparing for day shift to come on. ridiculous.

someday maybe i'll feel like a good nurse.

thoughts..

i've been reading a book called Infections and Inequalities by Paul Farmer. I also recently went to see a play called The Grapes of Wrath.

It's just shameful.

How many people have to die before unaffected people take notice?

It just doesn't make sense how people (we) can view what injustices occur to helpless people and then stand back and do nothing.

"Is it perpetually the lot of the poor to pay the penance...[for the ruthless exploitation of labor]?" -paul farmer

Why does one's prosperity always have to come at the expense of another's? ........ typically the weakest will give it up the easiest, at the 'least cost,' in the most efficient amount of time. ... Then, the scoundrel who takes from the hand of the weak and poor turns around and asks, "How could you do this to yourself? How could you be so ignorant, so lazy, so accustomed to your circumstances that you make no effort to change them?"

Oh, but they have! They do!

And when they do, we push them down... The giant foot of greed extends itself to crush the feeble efforts of the lowly... and no one cares.

In the play a child was born dead. A man took the child and went to bury it and said something along the lines of, "Lie in the street. It's the only way you can speak. Lie in the street and maybe then they will know."

Death. Especially unneccessary death. Undue Death. It should cause outrage. It should burden us. It should move us to action. .... I'm afraid to some it provides relief....knowing those loud cries have been quenched. No more reason to guilt, yeah?

It's shameful.

Who will fend for the poor?
speak for the innocent?
fight for the helpless?

How? How do we stop greed?

on the mountain tops...

i had a dream...
he and i were on these hills...these amazing hills. more like mountains really. we climbed to the tops of them. the view was extravagant. i was viewing our play as though from an old family film. i think there may have been a slight sadness as though that time of my life was over, but the joy i viewed in the image overcame that and i was happy. we tumbled around the ridges and looped in and out of sight. at one point we were wrestling and i jumped. from the lens it looked as tho i was over the edge. he grabbed me and pulled me up. then we laughed because the lens showed there was no ledge at that point. we tricked the camera. the colors were bright. we were happy...

The Lord desires to "make all grace abound toward you." He wants to impact our lives with every aspect of His grace ("all grace"). He has grace available in every category that we will ever need. He is ready to flood our lives with such grace ("abound toward you"). This term ("abound") could be depicted as compelling waves consistently rolling up on the seashore, leaving an inevitable imprint.

God's grace impacts humble, trusting hearts in such a manner, imparting all that is needed for effective service. "That you, always having all sufficiency in all things…." Whenever we place our dependence in the Lord, He supplies everything that is necessary ("all sufficiency") for everything He would have us to do ("in all things").

i contacted the lady that may send me to africa in 6-8 months. there's no reason i can't go..once i have my loans paid off. ...

at this point in my life i feel the message that i need to be more like a child...following my heart and trusting the hand that provides for me. he has given me everything that i need. and if there is something i feel is lacking, there is a reason for it. perhaps i'm not as ready for it as i think i am.
it's back to pursuing my dreams...perusing the adventures of my heart dreams about... back to navigating foreign terrain and flinging myself into the unknown. back to finding good things and loving them...back to giving the world back it's heartbreaks and let downs. back to chasing life and drinking love from the neck of all beauty that life has to offer... haha..

"Will you go?" He asks.
"I'll go." I say
"Where will you go?" He asks.
"I'll go anywhere," I say.

I suppose you might think, 'ah! she's just doing this to get away. one more fix until the next one." it's not that. really it's not. it's like getting back to the root of things. getting back my heart...the heart i let someone hold for a second. ..my fault... my heart should've never left the Lord's hands.
so this... this spirit. i really think it's from the Lord.. i wanna chase Him down... i feel free. i feel full. He always finds me on the mountaintops.

light

if i
could put away my mind
stand up and run blind
i'd run to you

but i
still see all the lines
i'm sposed to stand behind
my feet don't move

i'll stand and look upon
the sin and pain we've caused
and barely turn a shade
of blue

some times we need
a voice to intervene
and shake us from the grave we drew

and hands to take and hold
the innocent we have sold
to make our own dreams come true

so truth run into mine
and break the lies i stand behind
open my eyes so i'm not so blind
so i'll see you...

grasps

i had a dream
he was in love with someone chasing theirs
someone creative, fun...and pure...
and i was off doin my blind thing
walking lost in mazes..
trying to figure out the game..
running from someone behind me..
trapped in corners and retracing my steps
doing things i'd already done, and yet...
eventually i found my way out.
i saw her paintings, searched her out...
still wasn't happy with what i found..

a storm's a'coming you see
that's what it feels like to me
one way or another, things have to change
i want to go up, not down
swim, not drown
in this place
in this race

so dry heart, sing
wild heart, be free
mind, let go of all the lies you see
look up to the Crown
stop looking down
your feet don't hold the answers...

dry heart, sing
wild heart, be free
mind, let go of all these lies you see
and pray. pray to the King.

negative thinking...

i was just looking at some old blogs of some old friends. ...
and thinking too much about this dude...

i feel bad about the last years of mine and s.m.'s friendship.
i wish i could go back and do things right.
i just wish i could have been a little stronger...and made better decisions.
before a few years ago, i don't think i used to think so negatively about my past.
some people don't regret. i regret.
mostly i regret hurting people.

i wish i didn't think so often of myself.
i wish i thought more of myself.

i wish i wasn't so hesitant.
i wish i wasn't so impulsive.

i wish i was strong....

i hate it when i don't know what other people want me to do sometimes...
i hate it when i don't know what i want to do sometimes...

i despise how i allow myself to think so much and get so anxious over situations that another person probably doesn't give a shit about.

sometimes... i wish i could run away..
sometimes... i wish i could pinch people really hard... maybe that would wake them up.

i hate doubting myself.

....

...

i'm going to go run.