Saturday, April 25, 2009


three (+1 xtra) TOP investments/savings currently in movement/process:

1). student loans: 72% PAID...28% TO GO! (~4 weeks + one extra day)
2). plane ticket to Africa... 3 weeks income.
3). nice digi camera...most desired: Rebel XSI.... 2 weeks.

xtra necessary savings afterwards: ~1.5 months (to pay my way while i'm in Africa)

approximate time necessary to reach goals: ~4 months.

time that i have until approximate departure for Afrika: 5 months.

PLUS: i have to fit in vacation (+vaca expenditures) for 2 weeks in Oregon.

...cutting it close there, missy.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

wow...weird dream.

what a weird dream.

i don't remember exactly where it started, but i was with my family at a gathering and mom handed me this baby and it was nick! (my little brother) only...he was just a baby. it didn't make sense. he was so cute, i was crying remembering how small he used to be. he was talking and it was so funny because of how small he was. then all of a sudden there was a small version of amanda as well. and her grown up version was just sitting nearby next to another relative. everyone was laughing because they were so young and sweet.

anyways. i found out that there was this big minority race issue when we were born and (even tho those two were born from both my caucasian parents, in the dream they were born from my half indian father). apparently, my mother had twins of each of them and when she gave birth the gov't decided to take one of the twins of each set away and put them in a home because they didn't want as many minorities free. obviously they weren't cared for as well, because they were smaller and less physically developed. i was crying and holding them so closely, sad that i hadn't had them close to me through all the years. i found (in the dream) that my mom had gotten with my indian father in hopes to obtain her missing children because he was a soldier and he had lied and said that he had more power than he really had. when my younger brother died she gave up hope and separated from him. and hadn't had enough resources to retrieve the two babies until this day.

so at some point i was taken into this room and put on this table. this possibly has something to do with a woman's health magazine i was reading at the coffee shop the other day, but...
these people told me to get on the table and ..well i thought i was having a child and i wanted to make sure they didn't take one if i had twins like they had done to my mom. i thought it was a little sketchy of an area, but...thought i'd wait to see what was happening. they turned the lights so dark i couldn't see and they did something, but it didn't hurt that much..i thought they took something out of me. didn't know for sure. they asked what could make me more comfortable and i requested lights and they turned on just a dim dim light. then they said there was another procedure they needed to do. they had me spray a numbing substance on myself. they said that my personal area had formed into one thing and they had to "remake it". it seemed like they were going to cautarize the area. i was afraid they weren't telling me the truth and when someone near me mumbled, "i'm not really sure they need to do that." i felt courage enough to request more information. they never really had a straight answer.

so at some point i tried to run away. there was a big chase scene. i'm wondering if my brother was there. everyone was after me. sometimes there were many sometimes there were few. i was trapped in this barn too, where they tried to do the procedures on me. at some point we were underwater and this man had a hold of me. this girl hit him for me and i also tried to lure him away from her. i hid and threw dirt over myself. i never ran out of breath, but at some point i realized we weren't underwater anymore and he was better at chasing me on land. finally i acted like i would do the procedure and ran towards the table...then past it.. but didn't get far. they caught me. so we were all standing around and i want to say that my brother and another dude started talking chest lingo in order to escape. everyone else thought they were talking about the game. ... we edged towards the door. we broke through one door and came into a room full of people. i felt like they weren't involved in what was happening and maybe would help us so i ran. i don't know fully what happened to the others. but i made it to the gate. i heard someone yell behind me "find your buddy"...and i heard someone yelling my name looking for me. but i ran. i climbed this rock and metal fence, pulling myself with my arms...and on the other side there were only pipes so i slid down fairly quickly. i was out.

i hid in the bushes. it was dark and they drove by with lights and stuff, but there was nothing they could do so late. i stayed as still as possible. at one point i was looking up and two people saw me. i realized they were the people that helped me. a pig was looking at me...i realized it was a man in a pig suit. he smiled at me. i guess he wasn't out to get me either. i really wanted to go back and get my friends. i waited. somewhere i saw that due to the pressure of the search parties it took me 2.5 months to go 1.5 miles. i don't know what i did in all that time. it flash forwarded to a scene where someone from the enemy team kept eye contact with me and i escaped through a space where i guess no one could follow me. and that was the end.

how weird.

Monday, April 20, 2009


so i graduated nursing school last may right? right. well there were several times i called my mom and wanted to quit... several times! she was definitely my rock and the one who believed in me and kept me going. so when my parents planned this humongous pig roast in celebration of my victory of merely passing school (not yet had i passed the NCLEX boards-they were still proud of me and believed in me!), I decided I needed to do something to thank my mom. i decided the best way to do it was to sing her a song thanking her in front of all these friends, strangers... i never sing by myself in front of a large crowd so it was pretty hefty feat, but... my mom is probably the greatest woman i know so... being a fool for a giant crowd was nothing. she's worth so much more..
but here are the lyrics:

i remember reading stories on the bed
i'd fall asleep with pricilla the pig dancing in my head
i'm sure i was more trouble than i know
writing on walls
always putting on a show

i wish i knew just what you've done for me
wish i could sift through time and look just to see

one day i lied and it tore me up inside
i went to your bed to tell you what i did
i told you i was sorry, thought i'd get the belt
but you said i forgive you
and i knew how peter felt

can i ever tell you mom, what you've done for me
i think you're the mom one day i hope to be

about 3 years ago i called you
told you i found something else i'd like to do
you said go ahead, i'm all behind you!
and i went on my way knowing it was true.

can i ever tell you mom just what you've done for me
i'm sure you're the mom one day i hope to be

just the other summer i thought i'd lost my way
i called you up to spit out all the words i couldnt say
i thought you'd give up on me, could it possibly be true
but you said, " you're beautiful and i'll always love you."

can i ever tell you mom just what you've done for me
you are the mom one day i hope to be

now here i am today thanking you
for helping me see all my dreams come true
there were times when i didn't think i could
but last night you told me you always knew I would.

can i ever thank you for what you've done for me
you are the mom one day i hope to be

Friday, April 17, 2009


oh tomorrow. i may do the same, oh...
i'll take my drinks in place of you.

please break through
break through
breathe through these walls of mine.
because i need you and there's no time...
and i'm afraid.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


how was life 3 weeks ago a dream of sunshine and hope and now i feel like a skeleton with just a bit of flesh draping from my weary bones..? it's probably the choices i've been making. oh grace...grace grace... find me. clothe me in righteousness. i've smeared my life on the sheets. sold my joy for six dollars. i've grabbed ahold of limbs that i already knew were broken. got distracted and attracted by filthy lips and had my precious hope stollen from my clutch before my very eyes. oh, hope come back to me. don't break me down. break me down. break me down and build me from the scraps he's left me. build me from something new. something new. take hold of life and plant it. plant it. oh please take root. seep in deep. filter the life in my veins. clean what remains of me. take the glass from my foot. the splinter from my heart. there's more to me. there's more to you. there's more to this life. oh grace grace grace...find me. clothe me in righteousness. i've smeared my life on the sheets. sold my joy for six dollars. got distracted and attracted and i'd like my hope back please.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Someone said... Life.s too short to be unhappy. ... I think my mom.s right when she says i think too much. ... The cons of analyzing.