adventure...

oh please lord..i want adventure
i want to climb trees and explore caves...
i want to fight my way to mountain tops...and
to race someone to the waters edge...
i want flight and fantasies...
to soar and live dreams...
i want heart-racing, dream-chasing adventure...
i want victorious salvation...
to conquer and complete...
to dance...
to run...
to see things i've never seen...
and taste things i've never heard of...
and live life abundantly...
i want to share...and laugh...and love....
i want to spin under the clouds until i fall to the grass in ecstacy...
i want to dive into clear cool waters...
and shake my hair dry in the breeze...
i want to eat leaves to survive...
to kiss in the rain...
and play hide and seek...
oh please lord..i want adventure...

thoughts of me..

i'm random..

inclined to explore the corners others pass by unknowingly...

and to balance on the edge of sidewalks and large cement parking blockers...

i lose focus pretty easily.. get lost in thoughts...

but i like to dance...

it's ok...just me, yeah?

looking back...

i'll probably be doing this again before the end of the year... but here it is, christmas eve of 2007. geez...where does the time go...

i've finished the hardest semester of my life.. i really didn't think i'd make it this far. i can't believe it. it's unreal. i'm kind of proud of myself. i feel like maybe i can possibly do anything. i can't imagine what it will feel like when i finish next semester.

pretty sure i clued him in.
i wonder if he'll come for me...
if he doesn't... it'll be okay....
i have so many things to share tho...
stories...discoveries... dreams... thoughts...adventures...family....
i think i'd like to share them with him...
but we'll see...

it's incredible to think of how much has happened since this time last year... i missed the Lord so much... my heart was so bare and broken... thank God for rescuing me... for loving me... for restoring my heart to the dances and dreams i reveled in before...
life with Him will be a dream...one way or another... i'm finally able to trust Him... i feel so safe and guarded...

His love is sweeter than life...

reality

i feel fake...
i feel like i'm not sure what reality is...
i'm not sure i really know how i feel...
or how i think...
i feel like i do things differently depending on who's around...
not necessarily intentionally...i guess i'm just that easily swayed...
i guess my opinions aren't that grounded...
is it wrong to be so flexible?
on some things, i think so...
on others...i think not...

sometimes i want to just go lay in the grass and stare up at the sky and let the world spin around me....
i haven't done it yet... it's usually been cold, i've been busy, or the ground is wet...

what would i be like if i were truly free from social norms, traditions, and laws?
free from opinions and expectations...?
free from the me that considers all those things?
what would i be?

trapped

MAN!!! i want to be FREE!!! i want to pack a bag and start walking!!

...but i have to study...
...i have to finish school...
...and i have to get my practice in...
...and i'm a girl...

UGH! LET ME GO!

yearning

so how do you go about praying for healing for someone?
how do you do it in love and humility?
....and how do you not freak out everyone around you....?

i wanted to talk to her...
i wanted to hear her voice...
i wanted to hear her heart...
i want you to touch her with what you've touched me with....

your heart is for healing
and restoration

for romance
and passion

your heart is for me
and her

i'm captivated...

desperation

so i was praying for this girl and i kept seeing this image of this child bowed down in desperation...

the only difference was that i saw a candle and not a vulture....

and there were thousands of these children laid out before me

i want to be so desperate for the Lord that if He doesn't meet my desires for Him then i'll die...

can we, who thrive on extra and abundance and supersized quantities, understand hunger?

can we, who are full of the teachings of man and have always had more than enough, understand desperation?

help

man...what would it take to change the world. to end hunger. to end poverty. to end war.
if it's ignorance that leaves us so self-consumed and apathetic...well, by all means send education...
but then you come to the complicities of finding enough teachers....
and how do you promote people to come to these 'classes'?
and how do you fund all of this?
and how do you convince people that they should be interested in the state of their neighbors on the opposite side of the globe?

how do you break the apathetic cloak that's been draped over us?
how do you crack the egocentric passions that have gained priority in our lives?

i want to stand at the top of the hills and scream out what's happening around us...
there is WAR...the killing of innocent people all in an ironic attempt to achieve peace.

there is HUNGER... approximately 30,000 people die everyday from starvation...of which approximately 85% are children younger than 5....while we squeeze once again into clothes one size bigger than last year's and scrape our heaving plates to our dogs when once again our eyes were bigger than our bellies...

there is POVERTY... children wake earlier than the sun to walk miles to school...with no shoes...wearing the same clothes they wore the day before and they day before and the day before.... while we have heaps of clothes we only wear once a year.... while we play hookie from free or available education to go shopping... while we buy 5 different kinds of one things because we like variety...

God forgive us.

could i?

could i follow those dreams and visions up steep mountains of poverty, into deep valleys of hunger and through dark places of war?
could i run alongside that desire for adventure...
and cheer on that thirst for more?
could i pray for that heart of passion... & respect that mind of wisdom?
could i take your hand to go explore?

.....hmm.....

right now at least i know i could swim in the clear bright warmth of those eyes until time stops and reality checks in to remind me that life hasn't...

romance

man Lord! you...you are romance in its finest form...
romance in its most embarrassing, uncontrolled and spontaneous form...
red roses of passion...thousands of candles don't display the heat and flame of your desires for me...
....my chest aches for the one i love...
...i unbearably long for the presence and response of the one i love...

forgive this wandering heart of mine...
forgive the weak adulterous in me...
forgive me when i don't trust your profession of passion...

oh the way that you look at me...and search my soul with your piercing eyes...
they way you take me by the and firmly and lead me to your chambers
the way you lay yourself bare with vulnerability and express the secret longings of your heart...
the way you embrace me with a vigor that seems to have been locked away for a thousand years and has finally been freed....
...take me now, Lord...

your love inflames the core of my being...
.....the deepest parts of my mind you have explored...
the most sacred places of my heart you have fought for and won...

oh my Lover...
my sweet knight and prince...
my own heart can't contain this rebellious obsession....i want you.

and when darkness and death come knocking at our door...may i pull the covers of love tightly around me and cling to the chest of my Lord....

terms

these are some of the terms that have been coming up a lot lately for me:

• preparation
• beauty
• raw
• real
• restoration
  
• intimacy
• love
• acceptance
• honesty
• hope

i want more of all of them...

filet

ok...so i just laid myself bare today... i "filleted" myself. well.. let's start from the beginning...

so last night some people were going to wal*mart to 'pray for people.' it didn't really freak me out...it didn't scare me...i didn't feel like i would be embarrassed... but i didn't think i should go... i felt... nothing. so i stayed..

tonight i went. i wasn't sure how i felt. so i went anyways. maybe just to watch.
but i ended up talking to these two girls...from high school. and i ended up being real honest and open with them. i told them stuff. stuff i guess i wouldn't just tell anybody, but at the same time i guess i would tell anybody. if i felt like it. i'm kind of not worried about what people think about me. i know who i am and where the Lord's taken me from. and i want people to know... because i really have nothing to brag about. i really have nothing to highlight in my life except the fact that whatever is good has been put there by God....or maybe just simply that the only thing good in my life IS God...

you know what i was just thinking? well...first i was wondering if other christians would want to be represented by someone like me....someone who did bad things such a short time ago.... someone who's so stained and broken..... but then i'm reminded... look who Christ picked to represent Him.... Peter...the liar, coward, and failure... and look who God chose to represent Him...David...the greedy adulterer and murderer....

of course, that's no excuse to sin...
...but it sure gives me hope...

i don't want to be complacent ...and i want more good to come from my life...
...but i'm really glad that i'm loved...cherished...adored...and pursued where i'm at....
i'm real glad He sees me.

don't leave me here Lord....

Y

the other night i went with two friends to the woods... to hike...in the night. probably not the most popular thing to be doing on a saturday night... but it was nice. the moon was hidden by clouds...and it was pretty cloudy... but i guess the light from town bouncing off the clouds had something to do with how bright the woods were that night. surprisingly, i wasn't scared at all. of course, it helped that one of my friends was a big, burly mountain man who made habit of walking through the woods at night.

we walked for at least 2 hours that night... the third of us was a genuinely free-spirited playmate...we would often run ahead of the man, tumble in the leaves, or pick up sticks and poke at eachother. sometimes we would leap against and press against dead trees in attempts to fall them...an opportunity to yell "timber" and listen to our echos... it felt so comfortable and safe to just play..and be silly... and it probably wouldn't have felt so easy had we not had his silent, calm, strong presence with us.

midway our trip we stopped at a little inlet of water... we threw rocks at this log and found that skipping rocks is very difficult with two sets of gloves on. at one point i told everyone not to make a sound and they all grew quiet... i was waiting for one of them to say something silly... to make the silence stop...but they never did... so i got into it as well... and God felt really close... i let my imagination run a little... saw myself climbing a lusciously green mountain in Africa with a ragged pack on my back...a little girl ran to me and i swung this emaciation of a child into my arms and ran my hand over her tiny frame... her wounds healed and her health was restored.... another image that crossed my mind was jumping from a towering, glimmering waterfall into the wild abyss of some jungle in South America...

as my eyes adjusted from my dreams i found myself staring into the bare tree limbs of a dry kentucky shoreline... seemingly unusually sharp and illuminated was a fork in a limb...only what stood clear to my eyes wasn't the fact that it was a fork, but that it was the letter "Y." So clear...that i had to remind myself it was a fork in the tree.... i felt in my heart "why not?" ....and i was reminded of the book i've been reading lately Irresistable Revolution and i recalled a place where this man confessed he was afraid to ask the Lord, "why?" about world poverty and such...because he knew that the Lord was going to ask him the same thing.. "why? you're my hands and feet...why do YOU let this happen? or why don't YOU do anything about it?" i think maybe God was letting me know my dreams are fathomable... maybe...

i packed up about a third of my closet to give away to the homeless in louisville... but i keep thinking that if they came to my door i would have even more to give...
i want to touch people... i want to help people.. i don't like thinking there are people starving and dying from it while i sit stuffing my face and abusing it....

i have this image of a fat rich man with possessions great and small all around him and in the next room an emaciated child too sick to beg....

how can i be so selfish as to allow my neighbors to starve...?
the least we could do is care....

beauty...

i hate that when i type 'beauty' into google various sites offering the latest cosmetics and tips on how to be more beautiful...many refer to these things as secrets... one site says: "Beauty is to look more beautiful without losing the essence of what makes you uniquely attractive." (which i think vaguely suggests that one isn't beautiful enough in their naturalness and it's necessary to enhance things if you want to achieve ultimate beauty)....i went to the area of google where it finds images for you...and using 'beauty' once more i came across a variety of fashion shots of thin, perfect women with their peach-painted complexions. sort of makes me sick looking at the whole of their symmetrical inerrancy. there was one picture of a city with an astounding array of colors in the sunset above it...when going to the site it originated from, i found it to be an anti-war site ...against the wars in israel. and another painting found in my search was of sleeping beauty...merely a fairytale....

one site let me to some quotes which i find appealing...

"Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time...." -Albert Camus

"The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself." -Henry Miller

"A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." -Albert Eintstein

"When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other." -chinese proverb

i want beauty...not the beauty of a symmetrical face or perfect body... i want beauty of life. i want to feel the same intense pleasure and deep satisfaction you get when you look at the most beautiful thing you've ever seen...that feeling that turns your insides up into your heart and almost makes you cry and not one other thought can pass through your mind because your entirety of being is centered on absorbing every and any ounce of the complexities within the simplicities...i want to be whole...i want passion...i want my life to be something i couldn't create on my own... i want healing... i want hope... i don't want to lose the beauty i've found... i don't want the colors to fade... i don't want the dreaming to stop... i want love... i want strength.... i want community...i want to be able to really hug a person...to be honestly vulnerable... i want to lean on someone... i don't want walls around my heart forever.... i don't want to lie...

i don't understand how to... how to be included again... how to get called up for a movie or something... if i didn't have my brother...i'd be really alone... but...i'm afraid i've done that to myself... i'm afraid i've pushed these people away for so long they've forgotten me... it's hard to push through into someone's heart when you're scared to share yourself... scared to give...

it seems like we're all so freaking broken... desperate for acceptance but unwilling to show enough of ourselves to really know if we were ever accepted in the first place....

here's what i want in my life: real raw beauty. i'm tired of putting make-up on. i'm tired of waiting for the latest tips to be beautiful...the next secret to wholeness.

i want to be real
i want to be raw
and i want beauty

please Lord...

do i have to wait?

how do you take it from paper and make it live? ...how do you live it out? how do you share? where do you find people to share with? ...how do you make your life real and purposeful? how do you make a difference in the here and now without having to wait until tomorrow or in a year til you graduate? i don't want to wait...i want to see things happen....i want change... i want purpose HERE...where i AM... not where i will BE.... i don't want to spend every season of my life waiting for the next to make a change....i want now to be the moment i am meant for....i want to mean something now... i want to feel necessary...or at least important...or at least used.... for something..something good preferably....

i feel discontent...i feel frustrated...

tomando

so....i'm just trying to understand things. it's hard to find a balance in life. c.s. lewis (basically) said that if we are set on seeing heaven then how can we keep even a smidgen of hell in our lives. i wouldn't say last night was hell...or even a part of it really.. but the thing is that all our lives we've been taught that drinking is wrong...or maybe just from experience...it's typically used by a person living in darkness...or something... last night nothing happened that was wrong... maybe i drank a little too much...i was excited about seeing my friends... excited about spending time with them.. excited.

...does it mean i don't want the Lord? does it mean i don't want victory and restoration in my life? does it mean that i'm not serious about what's been happening in me these last few months? does it mean i'm not in a good place? does it mean i'm not whole?

i don't think so................................................................

i just want my life to add up, you know? i don't want to say one thing and do another...i want to live a life where it's obvious what i want out of it...

i'm pretty sure i'm okay.. nothing is shattering down in me or anything...my heart was pure last night... my purposes... my desires innocent... it was fun...spending time with my friends and my fantastic brother..

i'm just not sure what good i did...
and i want to do good things...

i'm happy...i'm not guilty or anything... i'm just thinking...

i'm really happy about where i am right now...it's so nice...to feel whole and loved... to feel safe... and desired..fought for...and rescued.... i have that laugh that's hard to keep in your chest...if i don't let it out it somehow turns inward and laughs to my core.... it's warm... colorful... vibrant... alive... and i can't really explain the feeling of knowing that even if i fell...someone would come after me...someone would be there to lift me up....i can't explain knowing i'll never be alone.. knowing there's a passionate God who lived and died so that He might have the opportunity of knowing me.... the opportunity of having me love him...

the other night i was in a worship service and i felt like God wanted me to read jeremiah 33... and when i did i was so encouragaed...it talked about restoration... it said that there were people who looked at the city and saw desolation...and maybe the city was desolate and dead... but God promised restoration...new life...and the opportunity to dream and hope was replanted in the heart of it... it's nice knowing i'm going to be built up...that He's gonna come for me even if i'm surrounded by darkness...

He fought for me...even when i didn't have the ability to cry out for help...
He believed in me..even when i couldn't hope for myself....
He came for me....

isaiah 58...

fasting is hard...honestly i'm not very good at it... today i had like 5 little tootsie rolls...i sucked on them so technically, i didn't eat anything, right? ...riiiight... bad excuse huh? ...i wonder if God honors attempts..

i kinda think that just seeing that I want to know Him more thrills Him... i think seeing me desiring Him sends Him spinning with joy... i think He'd bend over backwards and then some just to meet me as I attempt to detach myself from the necessities of this world in order to open myself up more to Him... and for me...just knowing how forgiving and loving He is makes me want to do my best for Him... knowing His desire to show His affections to me causes my heart to soften and my desire to be vulnerable to Him overwhelms me...

i want to be affected.
i want nothing between us.
i want to know Him intimately...

a relevant poem

i just found this...it just makes so much sense...and it's so true and relevant to what i've gone through...wow...

A note from the author:

The inspiration for this poem is the book Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge. The poem is about the struggles women feel because of their femininity. As women, we want to feel beautiful, act beautiful and show people our Beauty, as God's creation. However, what I learned from Captivating is that far too often, some women tend go about proving their Beauty (femininity) all wrong—mostly to men. That's when we sacrafice our bodies, our temples for men—even those we truly love. It's the daily purity struggle women face but people don't talk about.

This poem is much more powerful in the spoken word and rhythm rather than just read. The voice is strong yet depserate, proud and fearful all at the same time. I have performed it only once at a local poetry reading in Columbus, OH.

My lips breathe the words I read,
and speak so true to the life I lead,
Day by day, night by night, caught in the moment, everything seems right,
I continue on this way, wondering, searching
with my body, my soul, my heart, my Beauty,
There's so much in me that wants to offer my femininity
I wanna use my Beauty to delight him, captivate him and show him how You
made me,
I yearn to feel the Beauty.
I yearn so much that I give too much, too many, too soon, too fast,
I've toyed and manipulated situations in the past,
to feel that intimacy that only You can offer me
But I admit, I gave too much, too soon, too fast,
that I cannot even grasp the past of hurt, confusion, disillusion, I'm
losing ...

And then I awaken, I arise, I won't buy into the lies
I stop in the pain I've been faking
I've betrayed You, disobeyed You, played You,
used the gifts I've been given
to taint the man I love
I've twisted and bended my Beauty
to obtain that false love that I believe will sustain ... the pain
But pain is what I gain in the forbidden game.

And as I spill forth burning tears of sin,
pain lingers within
pain of pleasure, pain of fun,
my desperate soul cries out ...

GOD what have I done?

*sigh*

he touched my arm....


i know i know..i'm a sap....

for You...

i'm waiting...
resting...for once...
my eyes not used to focusing
on such an image as You...
i'm waiting...
resting...for once...
my heart not used to trusting
in promises as rich and true...

as filling as eggnog and porridge,
as sweet as honey
as glistening as dew
as calming as wine and lullabies
as strong as steel
nothing quite compares...to You....

i ache...
for justice...
for faithfulness...
for passion...
for purity...
for truth...
for wisdom...
for righteousness...
for guidance...
for reality...
for YOU.

my attempt to cling

how shallow can i become?
i used to have such beautiful depth
pure sweet secrets
enclosed in a heart of pearl
a heart of flesh
and now
cobwebs catch from
stone's edge to stone's edge
and shadows fill the void
-me (june 28, 2007)

this is just an picture of my heart this last year and this summer... it's still so fresh really...so possible....i can still remember the darkness. it scares me. the thought of returning makes me cling to Him... i know the power of deception...the truth of lies.... i know the strength of strongholds... i know the insidious appeal of seduction... i know, if one foothold is given, i can be pulled under.... the life can be sucked out of me just like before....

...and i cringe inside... i would say i refuse but i don't want to be prideful and say it's not possible in me....there's plenty of proof that it's all possible... but i will say that i'll cling tighter to Him in the midst of trials...in the midst of joy...there's really no safe place but in the arms of the Ultimate Lover....

and in those arms is where I know the power of truth.... the devastation of lies... the strength of trust.... the overwhelming passion of God's love...it's only slight comparison being the alluring gaze (and the steel gravity from that) which pulls a bride to her groom... i know what safety feels like. what freedom looks like. what joy sounds like. i know wholeness. and peace.

and when darkness knocks on my door, i'll pull the covers of love close and cling to the chest of my Lord.

expectations...

...it's hard to know what life is supposed to look like... but then it makes me wonder if it's not as difficult as i let it be...
jesus said we're supposed to love....love Him, love others, and love ourselves.... He already said we can show we love Him by obeying His commands.... i guess that means i need to talk with my roommate.... and i'm not really sure what else....sometimes i get stuck wondering what i'm supposed to do...and then i just try to start thanking Him for things... i know there's more tho....
and then to love others...well, we put them above ourselves, right? well... that's hard too....it's hard to have people expect things of you... it's overwhelming... and in a sense sometimes, the more they expect the less you want to give. how did you do it, Jesus? i guess people expected TONS from Him...
to love ourselves... well, sometimes i'm thinking i take this one a bit too seriously ;) ... i feed myself on the convenient satisfactions of the world until i'm bloated to the point of immobility and calloused to the needs of others and the passions of the Lord. Save me from myself and somehow bring me to a point where the Kingdom of God can Come into my every day life.

...it'd be nice...

it'd be nice... to have someone to tell about all the things i think of telling...
it'd be nice...to have them sitting across the room from me.... and every now and then catch one another's eyes...hold their warmth for only a moment....and then refocus on whatever it is that requires my attention....
it'd be nice... to have someone to go get egg nog with...who wants to sit and chat and drink it from wine glasses and drop me off at a reasonable hour....
it'd be nice... to have someone to play with....
it'd be nice... to have someone to go on walks with...at all hours of the day....or night...
it'd be nice... to have someone to call when something good happens...when something bad happens....or when i just want to say how much i liked today....
it'd be nice...to have someone to talk about bone cement with...and blood...and vasoconstriction
it'd be nice... to have someone to talk about prayer with...and passions...
it'd be nice... to have someone to sit beside....and not talk at all
it'd be nice...to have someone who doesn't expect too much from me... ...but believes in me alot.
it'd be nice... to have someone who wanted to live adventurously beside me...
it'd be nice... to be sought out, explored, and challenged....
it'd be nice...to have someone to seek out, explore, and challenge.
boy....would it be nice....

i'm not lonely... i don't need this... but i know what i want....eventually...

like-minded

If someone said to me, "Theresa, I will give you a little house in the country, with three wonderful kids, a great job, a beautiful husband who loves you more than you could imagine, a great retirement plan, and no more worries." I would reply with a half-hearted smile. One part disbelief and the the other part saddened... knowing that opportunity is one I wouldn't really want to take... there is some part of me that desires all those things. But there is another part of me that wants to experience the world. The danger, the love, hurt, pain, suffering, excitement, the challenge, the competition, and all the other things that make this experience, well, human...

I really do not know what I want out of life. I don't want what my family has. I don't want what my friends desire... But what is it that I desire? I desire to change things. Deep inside I want to fix hurts, help the helpless, love the unlovable, care for sick, feed the hungry. I want lead rebellions, fight bad governments, change bad laws, make good laws, stop prostitution, stop molestation of children, encourage people to help others in countries where they need help...

I wish people would find the Lord so they wouldn't keep living shit hole lives filled to the brim with smelly shit...

but how do i do that? How do I help people?
I would like to make enough money to go to varying places in the world, think up strategies and begin to implement new ideas that would change peoples lives forever. Perhaps give them the same opportunities people in America have...
I would also like to help out in America...

So my first goal. IS to finish nursing school...so i can make some money...and change things.... i honestly wish i had more time to be involved now... but due to sometimes time-wasting decisions (possibly this) and the whole of nursing...i don't have much time for much else....


-most of this written by mi hermano fantastico

confused a little....

it's odd participating in events and a schedule contrary to the one that i've been attending and living in for a while... it's hard to make sense of.. it scares me...i suppose because i don't want to follow the same path that i followed before...a life of purity and loyalty and then a sharp downfall to apathy and death pretty much... i don't want to be so naive again... i don't want to lie to myself... or others. i want to be honest, real, and alive....

i just question myself i guess... yes, i drink...yes, i go to the prayer chapel....no, i don't think drinking is wrong... yes, i think drinking too much is bad... yes, i'm human...yes, i make mistakes... no, i don't have it all figured out yet....yes, i'm working on it....no, i don't want to be stupid anymore.... yes, i want the Lord to heal me.... yes, i want Him to lead me... yeah, i don't want to be trapped anymore... yeah...i want victory...i want success in the Lord.... i want purity....

i guess i'm just saying i'm trying...i'm living... i'm looking to Him as best as i can right now...

bound...

i don't want to be...
tied down to opinion
identified by acceptance
outlined by definities
completed by approval

i want to be whole...here...now...alone

i don't want to need....
someone else's blessing
someone else's belief of me
someone else's love
someone else's shoulder

i want to be strong....here...now...alone

and at the same time... it seems i'm bound...

goals

how can i?
i'm not what sure each of these things means...
but i want to understand how to...

loose the chains of injustice

untie the cords of the yoke,

set the oppressed free

and break every yoke

share your food with the hungry

provide the poor wanderer with shelter

when you see the naked, clothe him,

don't turn away from your own flesh and blood.

honestly, it's probably a lot more obvious (the intent of the words) than i give it credit for....

please....

"i will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry,
for the spirit of man would grow faint before me - the breath of man that I have created.
I was enraged by his sinful greed; I punished him, and hid my face in anger,
yet he kept on in his willful ways.
I have seen his ways, but...
I will heal him;
I will guide him and restore comfort to him,
creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel.
Peace, peace, to those far and near," says the Lord.
"And I will heal them."
- isaiah 57:16-19

this is my hope...that You would heal me... because i'm tired of healing myself... i know i need to place myself in positions to be healed...to experience Your hand in my life.. i can't remain closed to You and expect You to break through, can i? honestly, i'm supposing You've already done that for me... haven't You? how else would i be where i am now... thinking of these things, doing these things.... i think maybe it has to be You...and Your pulling on the strings of my heart....

i want more.... more hope...less despair....more peace...less panic....more passion...less apathy... more heart...less stone.... more life....less death.....

honestly, a bit of me wonders if i mean it... or if it could be attainable.... so maybe i'm just speaking it .... hoping it will happen... but Lord... i need You to keep loving me....and wanting me...

si o no?

so...seriously...what's right? what's wrong? who should i be? who can i be? ultimately, who do i want to be? random besos con amigos es okay con migo?? kind of not... but kind of.... is it worth it? naaaaaaa..... yo necesito pensar a q es importante a mi... yo se q mi espanol es muy malo... but i like trying :) *sigh*....blah...

filled in....

ok.. so... yes... my life used to be pretty much perfect..flawless.. not that i ever thought it was.. because i sure had issues with trying to 'fix' myself...and maybe now i sit here looking back to then a little blind.. a little biased because that girl before hadn't made the sort of mistakes or gone through mud quite as thick as the girl sittin here now has....

but i feel like i have more depth...more experience... more understanding... i feel like i see things clearer... but maybe not...maybe that's a lie...

it's almost like before...i was a black and white picture...with lots of space...
and now... maybe things are colored in a little... there are details to examen....there are depths to explore....

i'll have to think about it more... but... right now i think i'd rather be this girl than that girl...

hope.

you wake up one morning and your world changes...it just looks different... the strength of mind or an act of God? ...sometimes i'm not really sure.... but i'd sure like to give Him credit... for wanting to do something here... i'm not so sure what the difference is... i guess... hope. kinda like you're sitting alone in your room, maybe you're locked in there and can't figure out how to get the door open... and the lights won't go on... and then all of a sudden it cracks open.. and light shines through.. just a little... but it makes you sure someone's finally come for you...you're not alone anymore... there's no need to fear....

i want to make the most of this life.
i don't want to drink life away
i don't want to sleep with randoms
i don't want to wake up to darkness
i don't want to walk in it
i don't want to hate people
i don't want to be bitter
i don't want to bring sorrow into people's lives
i want to bring hope
i want to bring joy
i want to encourage
i want to dance
i want to sing
i want to run
i want to find the good in all people
i want to show them the love of God

i want change.

for all of us.

God don't leave me...
and give me the wisdom and strength to not leave you....

a dream....

i'm silly for writing this...but... GOSH...

just outstanding.
so adventurous
and brave
and bold
and strong
stubborn
smart
unique
challenging
purposeful
selfless
passionate
wise
humble
creative
Godly
open
thoughtful
caring
free
good-looking
true
honest
sure
outward-focused
willing
intentional
encouraging
a leader
utterly profoundly intensely amazing......

i don't think i'm up to par.....it'll take time to get there i think... but GEEZ... something to look at...

colors

so...i'm not sure how it happened.. or when.. maybe ...

but i see colors again... God.. it's so nice.. to see the colors...



i guess i've been so preoccupied with nursing...the stress of it.. thinking it's the only thing that matters...that i've only seen grey...



i forgot God has His own plans.. and they'll work out..i just have to be me.. i don't have to organize life or make things happen on my own...


...just do my best....

so... i put the biggest thing of my life in His hands.. something i haven't done in a while... something i probably forgot how to do

...but god...look at them... they're extravegant... pure... clear...fantastic... unique.... free








the only thing i'm scared of...




is not seeing them tomorrow....

purpose

i was thinking before i went to class...

why?

why do i care how to start an iv?

administer fluids?

give shots?

recognize signs and symptoms of illness and diseases?

and immediately i saw myself holding a child... ill, emaciated, bones showing through dry, leathery, cracked skin...and eyes glazed over...waiting to be helped...waiting to be cured....

and i imagined not knowing what to do...and feeling helpless.... knowing the cure was simple and obvious, but i couldn't think of it... and needed someone else's opinion...or needed more training... more experience...

is it crazy to want to live a life not for yourself but solely for others?

is it possible to achieve goals you wouldn't necessarily aim for on your own, but the knowledge that lives could be changed if you DID makes you able and willing?

can i forgive myself for feeling so strongly about the need for me to do this and then turning around failing at it?

snap out of it

it could just be a mental thing....wake up...press on because you have to. just do it. and enjoy it.
DECIDE to enjoy it. DECIDE you can do it.....

...i just don't feel like i can. i try to..and maybe it happens for a split second... and then suddenly i'm back to where i started.... maybe darker. i feel like i haven't seen color for 2 years... is it me? or is it nursing? or is it campbellsville? .....or is it chew? .i. hate. this. life. but would i be happier somewhere else? ....i think i'd be happier somewhere where i felt like i was successfully accomplishing something.

losing sight

soo.. pretty sure i pretty much hate nursing school. you know what? maybe i don't hate it... but i remember when i used to get stressed out for track practice if i knew it was going to be a hard day. i would not be able to eat much at lunch...and would feel sick to my stomach the entire day. i'd talk with my friends about whether or not i should quit...because if i was going to..THAT was the day for it. all i could think about...was track...and how sick i was going to be after it. yeah i felt great after i finished the day... but it sucked..i feared it. each week it was the same...and each week the fear kinda got worse. and each week i wondered if i was giving myself an ulcer.... but at the end of the day i could eat anything i wanted...and my body looked pretty good... worth it? .....i dunno....
the next year of school i played soccer. it wasn't as hard. i actually enjoyed it. i played and it became something i was pretty good at (for a 1st year beginner). i maybe wasn't the BEST but i had a lot of fun doing it. we ran....and worked hard...but it wasn't like track. i didn't stress out... it came easy.
the Next semester of school...i didn't run track. and yes...i still run.... but I decide to. nobody tells me. nobody times me. and i don't HAVE to go a certain distance. i do what i want. i could do more.. but why kill yourself?

so with nursing.... i feel like i'm killing myself. slowly dying. each day the leaves get greyer... and each day the ulcer in my stomach becomes more. and each day i wonder why i'm trying so hard at something i'm not good at. i haven't made a B on something since 3 semesters ago. i haven't excelled.. i don't feel competant. i don't feel able. i don't like it. i don't have fun. i feel stressed. i feel worried. i feel inept. i feel exhausted. i feel alone. i feel like i hate life and i hate school and i hate people because they can't understand and nursing is mostly all i think about. i hate that i feel like i've changed from someone who loves life to someone struggles to appreciate anything. i hate going to do something every day that i'm not good at and don't enjoy. i miss freedom. i miss joy. i miss adventure.

you know.. maybe without nursing...i wouldn't be able to eat everything i wanted... but... it never bothered me so much with soccer...i adapted. and i loved soccer so it didn't matter. god, i wish i went into communications.

so..am i crazy?

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

it looks like maybe.... this is somewhat disturbing...............

surging

i want to live...
i want to laugh...
i want to love.
i want adventure and meaning.
i want fullness.
i want light.
i want to experience new cultures, new faces, new places.
i want to fly.
i want to soar.
i want more.
more sunshine.
more rain.
more purpose.
more gain.
i want to run.
conquer.
climb.
to the highest point of the mountain...
so i can see it all...
the tip of the waterfall...
the darkest part of the cave...
the most savage island...

a slave to adventure and exploration
nothing really to find...
doesn't take much prompting
to leave everything behind...



if i could but capture the wind...
if i could hang to the breeze
i didn't know hearts could sprout wings
damn the ribs, the flesh, that contains these things...

life.

life. it surprises you sometimes. bits and pieces seem like they're straight up out of a movie. you pause and wonder when the sound track is going to start playing. today was like that.

i love my brother.
and it's nice knowing and feeling his love for me.
and honesty is good.

does it ever make sense? is there ever something you're supposed to do...or some line you're supposed to walk... if so, i'm probably miles from the plan... and tasks from the goal........

just me

oh and my mom :)

self-addiction....

it's funny how...when you realize or decide to accept that the world isn't a movie about you....it becomes a little easier to love people....

i think i love myself too much...

i may or may not explain myself later....

regret

regret:
1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

when a child does something bad...for the first time.. or not... and they learn a lesson from it.. are they expected to regret the decision they made to commit that activity?

or

when the prodigal son returned to the father... obviously (after all he'd been through) he learned and better understood the love of his father...so did he regret the decision to leave and squander his inheritance...did he regret the decisions and experiences that led him to this better understanding of it all?

some people say they don't regret decisions they've made on account of the lessons they've learned from them... i think that it's okay and right to regret...to repent...

repent:
1. to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc.
2. to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.
3. to remember or regard with self-reproach or contrition: to repent one's injustice to another.
4. to feel sorry for; regret: to repent an imprudent act.

so ... to regret is to repent...sort of... the similarity would be to feel bad about something you did...the difference is that to regret is only to wish it were different...to repent is feel so bad about it that you decide to change things so that the future will be different.

...yes, there's no reason for those who knew me before to ever trust me again... it's almost like my life before was one big lie... almost... but i know there was truth in it... even tho i messed up, denied it by my lifestyle, and pretty much screwed up my rep with people... God stood true then and stands the same now... His was, is, and will ever be the hope of the world... regardless of my faithfulness...

you know...i suppose i could analyze this away... this overwhelming wave of emotion regarding the Lord and His pursuit of me...i suppose it could be because i might be starting soon... or maybe i'm just trying to be distracted from all the work i should be doing... but oh my Jesus... how did i stay away so long? how could i deny you in so many ways? forgive me...

california day dreams

black rubber and stale bread behind me
fresh air and adventure ahead
i remember when
i first began
my trip to california

packed light, but still fit tight
estrogen high, drove day and night
on my trip to california

i had adventure on my mind
fancy streets filled with dancy people
fine arts and fashion hanging from the sky
new shoes and a glimmering sea
washing the old days away from me..

here i sit looking back to then
writings etched in concrete
words from the tongue
rarely fade away
and workaholic memories
never take a holiday

lacing up my salsa shoes
on feet of legs freshly shaven,
one step, new step, fresh step, more..
I work my way on out the door to..

..sip my cosmo, eat my nachos
and enjoy my conversation
questioning the experiences of the last 21 years
exploring possibilities of the next Two months...

...curiosity forms clouds indoors
comfort lies in satin sheets
two buck Chuck can hit the spot
hunger satisfied by sweets

a window to a starlit heaven
cradled by buildings as i dine
on coffee laced with caramel
and cheesecake smooth as wine
one sweet halted moment away from…

being lost in my black and red summer
morning to midnight, seven to twelve
takin orders and stocking the shelve
clocked into work, yet gone…
thinking of jalepeno nights
and a challenging four in a row
watching the clock
and wondering how
heels turn classy to hoe

i need to stop
this search for meaning in sweetbread
why'm i somehow filled with fried rice at three
maybe not an expensive thing
but plenty enough for me
now…

here I sit looking back to then
wondering when
they'll count the quarters in my till
and realize that I fall short still
no matter how bright my bathroom gleams
there's cracks in the frame of
my California day dreams

dos

...sure everyone has a heart, and feelings, and dreams, and desires... but most people have forgotten those things... they focus on the easiest thing to fill their hearts at the time... drinking, drugs, sex... their hearts are full of shadows...and cobwebs.. or there's just an emptiness to them... a hollowness.. ...i see me on the edge, you know? there's light in me... but am i willing to fight to let it out? ... i want freedom, but i'll have to sacrifice those things that are comforting me now... i know it's worth it... but is it worth it? ... i am one thing, but i'm also another... there are two sides to me. deliberately. i'm ashamed at my decisions and at the same time i sort of accept my fate...

summer vacancy

how shallow can i become?
i used to have such beautiful depth
pure sweet secrets
enclosed in a heart of pearl
a heart of flesh
and now
cobwebs catch from
stone's edge to stone's edge
and shadows fill the void

white water

... i suppose eventually after being caught in a whirl pool for so long, you eventually lose sight of which way is really up...it's possibly the most exhausting thing ever....sometimes tho...seems like i hit a sand bar and i can actually bring my face above the water to breathe for a moment...i can stand...i could walk away if i wanted to fight the strength of the current... but i let the pull take control of me... i disappear again into the white caps of confusion...

fresh

i guess it's time to start with a clean slate...can i do that? ...will society forgive me? will people take me for who i am...or will they only recognize who i was? i guess to some i'll have to prove myself (if that's what i want to focus on) ...and others will decide to take me for who i am, who i can be... and not what i've done... those are the ones i plan to stick to...

the air seems so fresh out here... perhaps because i haven't polluted it...perhaps because God's showing me i can have a second chance at things... i'm thankful... thanks, Lord...

geez...have things changed..i've been through hell and back...that's what it seems..and mostly by choice...I am learning that a great amount of passivity early on in a situation has led me to a year or two of indecisiveness and lack of confidence in my opinions, passions, and conscience. I have made enough mistakes for a lifetime.... I have let my Godly passions fly out the window, along with my goals and my standards for life. I have broken promises, held back the truth, and ignored everything except the dark whirlwind of guilt and shame. I saw nothing but clouds before my eyes and felt nothing but momentary satisfactions followed by instantaneous lack of hope.

and now i've separated myself from situations that had me bound...yet still i suffer from the consequences of my sinful, selfish behavior...however, i'm licking my wounds in a way.. the film around me is slowly wearing thin... freedom is at my fingertips...forgiveness at my door... the light of hope returning to the heart of darkness....

will i ever be the girl i used to be?