Friday, October 05, 2007

losing sight

soo.. pretty sure i pretty much hate nursing school. you know what? maybe i don't hate it... but i remember when i used to get stressed out for track practice if i knew it was going to be a hard day. i would not be able to eat much at lunch...and would feel sick to my stomach the entire day. i'd talk with my friends about whether or not i should quit...because if i was going to..THAT was the day for it. all i could think about...was track...and how sick i was going to be after it. yeah i felt great after i finished the day... but it sucked..i feared it. each week it was the same...and each week the fear kinda got worse. and each week i wondered if i was giving myself an ulcer.... but at the end of the day i could eat anything i wanted...and my body looked pretty good... worth it? .....i dunno....
the next year of school i played soccer. it wasn't as hard. i actually enjoyed it. i played and it became something i was pretty good at (for a 1st year beginner). i maybe wasn't the BEST but i had a lot of fun doing it. we ran....and worked hard...but it wasn't like track. i didn't stress out... it came easy.
the Next semester of school...i didn't run track. and yes...i still run.... but I decide to. nobody tells me. nobody times me. and i don't HAVE to go a certain distance. i do what i want. i could do more.. but why kill yourself?

so with nursing.... i feel like i'm killing myself. slowly dying. each day the leaves get greyer... and each day the ulcer in my stomach becomes more. and each day i wonder why i'm trying so hard at something i'm not good at. i haven't made a B on something since 3 semesters ago. i haven't excelled.. i don't feel competant. i don't feel able. i don't like it. i don't have fun. i feel stressed. i feel worried. i feel inept. i feel exhausted. i feel alone. i feel like i hate life and i hate school and i hate people because they can't understand and nursing is mostly all i think about. i hate that i feel like i've changed from someone who loves life to someone struggles to appreciate anything. i hate going to do something every day that i'm not good at and don't enjoy. i miss freedom. i miss joy. i miss adventure.

you know.. maybe without nursing...i wouldn't be able to eat everything i wanted... but... it never bothered me so much with soccer...i adapted. and i loved soccer so it didn't matter. god, i wish i went into communications.

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