Monday, August 31, 2009


i'm hoping.
i'm hoping to make a change somehow. it's so easy to forget what you're fighting for..what you're headed towards. i want to love. live laugh love. bring peace to the world. fend for the needy. love the unloved. haha! give me hope!

i've seen brenda a couple times this week.
she's this homeless lady that walks around. let me tell you about her.

the first time i met her i was at third street stuff and she was wearing a red shirt and an old ball cap (one i haven't seen her without). she looked a little dirty. i actually wasn't sure if she was a she or not. and i wasn't sure if she was crazy or not either....i was just hanging out outside. maybe reading a book or something, can't remember that. she said she was hungry and wanted money. i told her to wait and i'd bring her something out. i went for a sandwich and when i returned she was gone. i tried to give it to someone else but they didn't want it, so i ended up eating it myself. i was a little annoyed. but then i thought maybe people might had done that sort of thing before to her so... oh well. i tried.

the next time i saw her she was looking for money for a bus. sure! i tried to offer her food again but she didn't want it. she just wanted money. for a "bus." right... i don't know if i gave her anything or not...

the next time i saw her i was with a friend and also speaking with this girl from highschool i ran into randomly. brenda started saying hey and asking for money i's been a while. i don't think she recognized me.. i remember the awkwardness. the look on the girl's face...she was with some dude too's interesting what goes through your mind when you have to decide how you'll respond in situations like this. with people watching. i was slightly embarrassed honestly, but i pushed my insanity away and took up some humanity. i spoke with brenda for a bit. she had a swollen lip. said she got hit by a car and had an infection in her mouth. she couldn't eat anything solid so i went in to try and get her some soup. i kept peeping out the window to see if she'd left me yet. surprisingly she was talking a bit to my friend from highschool. i was pretty excited about that. really pleased. anyways....she didn't leave me and i brought her a smoothie because the place didn't have any soup. luckily i chose a flavor she liked and a friend of mine and i spoke with her for a while. i learned that she had been addicted to cocaine and had lost her job and lost her home and all this stuff. she put in applications in lots of places as a dishwasher or whatever else they'd offer her, but couldn't get any responses.... i wish i remembered more of it. i just know she'd been through alot. but she was trying to get better and had been clean for quite a while. it was cool talkin to her that time.

i can't remember if i'd seen her between then and the other night. not sure. but i was out with a friend hoppin some bars sort of. i recognized her as she was asking someone for money. obviously people weren't in to her. sort of ignoring her. i called her over excitedly and asked her what was up. told her people carry cards on nights like that so if you lose them you can cancel them. luckily i had five bucks so we went to the hot dog stand and got us some snacks. chatted a bit. my friend was totally cool with it. people stared at us long after they had walked past us. how weird did we look? three people talking. don't they see that everywhere?

i wonder how you can help people like brenda? i have no home to invite her into. i cannot change the culture we have of shunning people like her. people we judge to be addicts and theives and ugly. people that can't find jobs because of our perspectives of them. people that perhaps have difficulties functioning like that anyways. i really don't know what long term good i could do in her life without sacrificing some of my own freedom. without giving her my time and more of my resources. who's willing to do that anyways? ....i'd like to think i would.
someday i hope i have a home i can invite her back share dinner with me. maybe to watch a movie once in a while. to sleep if she needs it. why do we keep 'them' so separate? we treat them like animals or tigers that might swallow us whole or bacteria that could give us some sort of deadly infection...

brenda is not an infection or a tiger. brenda is a woman... born to oppresion and poverty....trying to survive. and God loves brenda. probably more than me most days...

the boy in the striped pyjamas

it wrecks me.
it wrecks me.

mankind can be so cruel. so selfish. so evil.

i fear.
bruno didn't know he was sacrificing himself.
he also didn't know what powerful message that sacrifice could inspire.
i wonder if the father recognized his iniquity having his own son suffer through it.
the jews were so disdained and yet, the soldiers couldn't tell one of their own apart from the 'enemy.' ... i think it's like that with most hatred for another human.

we close our eyes to their humanity.

in africa, we ignore. we keep them out of sight, out of mind.
we educate ourselves in our own opinions and continue in that mind frame denying any truths in opposition. i think we're afraid of the lack of control we would have over it all or perhaps we're afraid of finding we're wrong in ways...

and if we do take the time to see the differences, the inequalities, the circumstances...we deny responsibility. no need for us to sacrifice ourselves for them. no need to be bruno.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


i don't know why i have such trouble writing about daily things without bringing in the blur of the emotional moment...i wish i could leave all the wacky emotions out of it. because those things change all the time and what happened today happened. that won't change.

...nothing really special happened today... it's just that i've been trying to write and everytime i open this thing up my hands want to just write about how i feel about life and i (the 'me' bigger than my hands) wants to write about things that mean something. i end up never writing.

i did save some people last week. i wanted to write about it. didn't happen.
i stayed on the doctor's tails til they listened to me about a patient that was failing. they wouldn't care. they even went as far as to say "i don't care if he bakes" when i told them how high his temperature was ...i'll never understand why he said that. why it took so long for them to care. i think i should have handled it different. maybe called HIS upper level...the house officer or something...i called rapid response... but this guy was someone else's upper level since i couldn't get ahold of them (Blasted!), so maybe it didn't cross my mind at the moment. i did what was in front of me to do...completed some labs they said they didn't care about...and upped his O2 level...and attempted to suction him. when the kid's vitals got a lot worse then finally they decided to care a little bit and get the xray i suggested 2 hours before. when the results came back from that then they got a little more worried and decided to really care. it took four hours to get the team into the room to put a chest tube in. it really is beyond me why it took so long. beyond me. i hate that team.

this week i work four nights in a row.
tonight was a little ridiculous. i think trachs are my least favorite job. maybe i don't like them because that just means the patient is in bad shape and there is more work involved in them, like tubefeeds and highly likely incontinence. maybe that's why....and watching patients with trachs is usually depressing. they usually come into the hospital randomly and had a normal life before...some disaster ruined them... ...i had two tonight. and i don't want one of them tomorrow. i hurt her. everything hurts her. and she takes her mitts off and scratches herself til she bleeds. i don't like watching people hurt, by my hand or their own...

the new nurse helped me quite a bit..that's how busy it was for me... i don't really like the new nurse. she knows everything and was REALLY pleased to help me. i said thank you and meant it but if she brings it up i might bite her. forgive me...

another thing...i'm worried that my 'letter of invitation' that i'm waiting to receive from the doctor in africa isn't going to come through in time for me to apply for my visa. this would be quite unfortunate since i've been planning for this for at least a year and have my plane ticket and shots and everything else ready to go...and i told all my friends, families, random strangers....i hope it comes in time.

Monday, August 17, 2009

the beginning of my RN adventures

In the summer of 2004 I went to India on a volunteer trip and was face to face withintense medical deprivaties. I wanted to make a difference in the world that could last.Healthcare seemed like a prime option.

I graduated from Campbellsville Unviersity School of Nursing in May of 08.I passed the NCLEX and obtained my license in July of 08. From June 2008 to August 2008, I worked as somewhat of a CNA in a home health position aiding an MS patient.In that position I passed meds, worked with a PEG tube, tubefeedings, etc.

In September 2008 I began working at UK Chandler Medical Center in Lexington, KY. I started initally in a new graduate program which had me on an epilepsy monitoring for approximately 6 weeks before transfering to an Infectious Disease Unit. I've really enjoyed the challenge of working at such a great hospital and I've definitely learned a lot. Thankfully, I've had an excellent group of coworkers by my side as I grew and developed as a professional this last year.

To continue to challenge myself and persist in the dream of "being the change I want to see in the world," I plan on traveling to Africa in a 4 month position to follow a local doctor at a free clinic in October of this year. I'll return in February and will then be looking for work. I'm anxious to further broaden my experiences.

(written to a travel nurse agency...sort of)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

a flash of my trip to oregon

this is my traveling outfit :)
we went to oregon and had all kinds of adventures camping and hiking and visiting with family.
i even got to climb mt st helens!

this is me and one of my sisters.
i only met her a year ago.
we look alike!

this is me at sunset.
i was visiting my aunt.
her 6 year old son took this.

this is me next to my little brother's grave in oregon.
i only remember his funeral.
i wish i knew him.

this is a lovely oregon sky.
i love her. with her pine trees and her huge skies.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


i enjoy beautiful things