Friday, February 27, 2009


sometimes i wonder if i'm as serious about loving people as i say i am. when it's hard or difficult... i.e. when i'm impatient with the nurse before me if there's extra work and an excuse that's 'not good enough'... or when i hold things against people and can't get over my emotions....

sometimes i wonder if i'm as serious about helping the poor as i say i am... like when i'm unwilling to wake up at 5am to feed them...or just that i don't make more of an effort to reach them. it's weird that i'm so set on reaching the homeless, yet i'm afraid to speak to the ones chillin at a public library...

sometimes i wonder if i'm as serious as loving and living in Christ as i say am... like when i look away from His obvious signs of direction and choose something in opposition to His ways.

i wanna do GOOD. you know?
be GOOD.
i want to be a source of goodness. with a good heart and do good things.
i think sometimes i get lost between the empire of great and the pain of bad.

it would be so nice to always be happy with the choices i make.
somehow i'm so impulsive at times that my head and my heart make decisions regrets the other... i've never been good at balance.

i'm not sure how to find it either.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


it's coming...
a new time, a new age.


wow.. so.. i had a crazy night last night.

one lady had been off her tube feedings for at least a day due to her DHT falling out. the docs hadn't replaced it, nor had they replaced the nutrition that she had been getting from it. they hadn't changed her scheduled insulin either. interesting. she did have D5 running, but during the night they ordered some K runs which took it's place for 4 hours. (another loss of the regular amount of sugar she'd been getting). i called the night docs about her lantus (long-acting) and they asked me just to give half of it. good thing i called. so i gave half of it. midnight comes around and her glucose level was 65! so we tried to get her to eat some crackers and drink something sweet. she did. and then threw up some of the crackers. nice. checked her glucose again 30 min. later...48!! called the docs and got half an amp of D50 which brought it up to like 117. good enough for me. no more insulin for her.

at the same time this is going on...i have this burn patient in another room who's getting tube feed as well. he's NPO. emv 11. so HE has a FS of 355!! I treat it with the scheduled and with the ordered sliding scale, right? right.

SO...six comes. time for more medication and more finger sticks.
i just figured i'd hold the scheduled insulin for pt #2 because i figured i'd treat his probably high glucose level at the same time as i administed the scheduled stuff, right? wrong....

patient number one? ....65. more crackers. more nausea. more sweet drink. i think she eventually came up but it wasn't til i was 'off my shift.'
patient number 2? THIRTY-FIVE! .... D50. MD to bedside. FS 160. will continue to monitor.

It wouldn't have been so bad maybe if there wasn't another pt feeling nauseated and another having a BM and i still had a dressing change to do and vitals were due and we only had one tech and were preparing for day shift to come on. ridiculous.

someday maybe i'll feel like a good nurse.

Monday, February 23, 2009


i've been reading a book called Infections and Inequalities by Paul Farmer. I also recently went to see a play called The Grapes of Wrath.

It's just shameful.

How many people have to die before unaffected people take notice?

It just doesn't make sense how people (we) can view what injustices occur to helpless people and then stand back and do nothing.

"Is it perpetually the lot of the poor to pay the penance...[for the ruthless exploitation of labor]?" -paul farmer

Why does one's prosperity always have to come at the expense of another's? ........ typically the weakest will give it up the easiest, at the 'least cost,' in the most efficient amount of time. ... Then, the scoundrel who takes from the hand of the weak and poor turns around and asks, "How could you do this to yourself? How could you be so ignorant, so lazy, so accustomed to your circumstances that you make no effort to change them?"

Oh, but they have! They do!

And when they do, we push them down... The giant foot of greed extends itself to crush the feeble efforts of the lowly... and no one cares.

In the play a child was born dead. A man took the child and went to bury it and said something along the lines of, "Lie in the street. It's the only way you can speak. Lie in the street and maybe then they will know."

Death. Especially unneccessary death. Undue Death. It should cause outrage. It should burden us. It should move us to action. .... I'm afraid to some it provides relief....knowing those loud cries have been quenched. No more reason to guilt, yeah?

It's shameful.

Who will fend for the poor?
speak for the innocent?
fight for the helpless?

How? How do we stop greed?

Monday, February 16, 2009

on the mountain tops...

i had a dream...
he and i were on these hills...these amazing hills. more like mountains really. we climbed to the tops of them. the view was extravagant. i was viewing our play as though from an old family film. i think there may have been a slight sadness as though that time of my life was over, but the joy i viewed in the image overcame that and i was happy. we tumbled around the ridges and looped in and out of sight. at one point we were wrestling and i jumped. from the lens it looked as tho i was over the edge. he grabbed me and pulled me up. then we laughed because the lens showed there was no ledge at that point. we tricked the camera. the colors were bright. we were happy...

The Lord desires to "make all grace abound toward you." He wants to impact our lives with every aspect of His grace ("all grace"). He has grace available in every category that we will ever need. He is ready to flood our lives with such grace ("abound toward you"). This term ("abound") could be depicted as compelling waves consistently rolling up on the seashore, leaving an inevitable imprint.

God's grace impacts humble, trusting hearts in such a manner, imparting all that is needed for effective service. "That you, always having all sufficiency in all things…." Whenever we place our dependence in the Lord, He supplies everything that is necessary ("all sufficiency") for everything He would have us to do ("in all things").

i contacted the lady that may send me to africa in 6-8 months. there's no reason i can't go..once i have my loans paid off. ...

at this point in my life i feel the message that i need to be more like a child...following my heart and trusting the hand that provides for me. he has given me everything that i need. and if there is something i feel is lacking, there is a reason for it. perhaps i'm not as ready for it as i think i am.
it's back to pursuing my dreams...perusing the adventures of my heart dreams about... back to navigating foreign terrain and flinging myself into the unknown. back to finding good things and loving them...back to giving the world back it's heartbreaks and let downs. back to chasing life and drinking love from the neck of all beauty that life has to offer... haha..

"Will you go?" He asks.
"I'll go." I say
"Where will you go?" He asks.
"I'll go anywhere," I say.

I suppose you might think, 'ah! she's just doing this to get away. one more fix until the next one." it's not that. really it's not. it's like getting back to the root of things. getting back my heart...the heart i let someone hold for a second. fault... my heart should've never left the Lord's hands.
so this... this spirit. i really think it's from the Lord.. i wanna chase Him down... i feel free. i feel full. He always finds me on the mountaintops.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


if i
could put away my mind
stand up and run blind
i'd run to you

but i
still see all the lines
i'm sposed to stand behind
my feet don't move

i'll stand and look upon
the sin and pain we've caused
and barely turn a shade
of blue

some times we need
a voice to intervene
and shake us from the grave we drew

and hands to take and hold
the innocent we have sold
to make our own dreams come true

so truth run into mine
and break the lies i stand behind
open my eyes so i'm not so blind
so i'll see you...


i had a dream
he was in love with someone chasing theirs
someone creative, fun...and pure...
and i was off doin my blind thing
walking lost in mazes..
trying to figure out the game..
running from someone behind me..
trapped in corners and retracing my steps
doing things i'd already done, and yet...
eventually i found my way out.
i saw her paintings, searched her out...
still wasn't happy with what i found..

a storm's a'coming you see
that's what it feels like to me
one way or another, things have to change
i want to go up, not down
swim, not drown
in this place
in this race

so dry heart, sing
wild heart, be free
mind, let go of all the lies you see
look up to the Crown
stop looking down
your feet don't hold the answers...

dry heart, sing
wild heart, be free
mind, let go of all these lies you see
and pray. pray to the King.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

negative thinking...

i was just looking at some old blogs of some old friends. ...
and thinking too much about this dude...

i feel bad about the last years of mine and s.m.'s friendship.
i wish i could go back and do things right.
i just wish i could have been a little stronger...and made better decisions.
before a few years ago, i don't think i used to think so negatively about my past.
some people don't regret. i regret.
mostly i regret hurting people.

i wish i didn't think so often of myself.
i wish i thought more of myself.

i wish i wasn't so hesitant.
i wish i wasn't so impulsive.

i wish i was strong....

i hate it when i don't know what other people want me to do sometimes...
i hate it when i don't know what i want to do sometimes...

i despise how i allow myself to think so much and get so anxious over situations that another person probably doesn't give a shit about.

sometimes... i wish i could run away..
sometimes... i wish i could pinch people really hard... maybe that would wake them up.

i hate doubting myself.



i'm going to go run.

Monday, February 02, 2009


i'm still waiting for more...

i feel like something mossed over...something that needs unearthed.
...those kind of things just wait around.. they don't tell anyone to come and find them, but of course all they want is found.

so find me, won't you already?
find me...

you fill my heart with hope
my hands with purpose
my life with good and beautiful things
thank you for always finding me.

surprisingly real good black bean soup

i was experimenting with some different things and this turned out awesome and i thought i'd share it (and keep it somewhere for later use):

~1 lb. hamburger
1 can black beans
1 can mushroom soup
1 can corn
2 cans tomatoes + spicy green chiles
3 sticks of celery, chopped
1 handful baby carrots, chopped
sprinkled in some dried chopped onions, maybe a teaspoon+
sprinkled in some dried chopped red chile peppers, maybe a teaspoon+
i used all the liquids in all the cans and also added:
~1 1/2 can of water

i browned the hamburger while i chopped up the veggies, then put it all together in one of those automatic rice cookers. put it on cook and left it for 20-30 minutes. (until the veggies were soft)
i also made some biscuits to go with it. it's good and it was surprisingly easy to turn out this good.

next time i might put some lemon juice in to zest up the soup. i probably would have used 1 onion and chopped it up too, but i didn't realize we had some still. i also considered putting potatoes in it, but we were out. i definitely would have added green peppers had we had them. (i just add those to everything almost haha)

well, to anyone who tries this, including me in a few weeks: good luck!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

songs..i like...

D'Artagnan's Theme - Citizen Cope
Free - Donavon Frankenreiter
I don't trust myself - John Mayer
On and On - Jack Johnson
Drink the water - Jack Johnson
Two - Ryan Adams
Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper
Sing, Theresa Says - Greg Laswell
Do What I Can - Greg Laswell
Roses & Hips - Keren Ann

...i will be adding to this...

citizen cope - sideways

these feelings won't go away
they keep knocking me sideways...

someone said once that someone said once :) that "music is what feeling sounds like"

i can't get over this song... it washes over me...moves me... 'knocks me sideways'

it's amazing how you can think back to times...even years ago and still feel what you felt... the joy, the shame....the comfort or the pain... the touch... the words..

life is so complex... there's so much that it offers... and so much that it's already taken away... i guess it all adds up to something beautiful...

it's just crazy how two people can have such radically different experiences... even if the come from similar places...or even the same place.

and one moment can offset what happens in all the decision can lead you down a path completely opposing all those you've taken before...

Lead me in the way of Righteousness, Oh Lord. You are my God, my Salvation, my Hope. Lead me in the way of Love, Oh Lord. I bow to you like the ice covered trees bow to the sun... melt this off of me. free me. let the light hit my roots again... thaw me out of these frozen chains... I want to know you more...