directions

it's again christmas eve... i was looking back on my blogs... i wrote this time last year a slight summary of my reflections over the past year...

it is soon to be 2009.

i remember waiting so long for 2008.
this year...i graduated college...began my first career. ..or the first of my careers...something like that. i put a lot of hope into something that fell through sometime in september... honestly (and somewhat unfortunately) those three things are where the majority of my time, thoughts, and emotions were spent. the Lord's done alot tho... it surprises me that it's been about a year and 4 months now since he rescued me from 'the darkness.' even if, by my writings, it seemed i was closer to him at the end of last year than i am now it is still true that: He is faithful, He is real, and He is always my rescuer.

i think some things i've learned are 1)i don't really know what i want...and 2) a steady prayer life might just be the most essential thing in my life.

i think since i've started my job and become more comfortable in the hospital i realize (or just think) that i'm going to want to study more...maybe public health or tropical medicine seeing as how helping the poor is my goal... i mean...art would be interesting too, to be honest... maybe i could study photography...journalism....geez... maybe i could skip studying all together and finish my year of practice here and go on and start working in the fields of africa or wherever...

the doors are endless...but which one do i want to take? it's unreal....

again, i think looking at all my options and even looking at the options i've taken already only magnifies the importance of a regular and consistant prayer life...if i focus on one thing for the next 6 months i think it should be prayer.

i'm sort of desperate...
i want to know what i was made for...
i want to know Him...

searching for meaning

...there's a few moments in life where i'm blinded.. when my eyes meet true beauty...my surroundings turn to dust....
...when i look upon a masterpiece...art or otherwise...
...when i hear a song that somehow touches my soul...
i want to create like that... open realms so others can experience with their eyes, ears, heart what they couldn't initially...
i want to create beauty.
i want to be beauty... ah, now... maybe that's the hindrance.

i want to be found.

another dream

yesterday (i work night shift so i sleep in the day)...i had a dream...

i was walking out from maybe a family gathering or maybe just my grandma's old house...the one i grew up in i think. i guess we were visiting, but when i walked out I noticed the moon was setting rather fast to the right. and it was also a little larger than usual. ....it was still daylight too... or maybe with the moon that close that's how bright it was... so i kept watching. soon the sky was dark and stars ..like meteor showers.. came out of the sky...one star landed in the ocean that randomly appeared a ways in front of me. it seemed that the earth was off course. no telling how long before the worldly demise that would of course occur. it was only a matter of time before heat and fire swept over the land from being too close to the sun...either that or ice from being too far away... i thought a giant circle in the sky was mars, but then...for sure i saw the moon on fire in the sky...it was taking up quite a bit of space...much closer than before. i remember the sense of urgency i felt when i cried out for the lost of the earth...how i felt anxious because i knew there were only moments now.... how i should have prayed with this same urgency hours, days, years earlier.... if only i had known. i think i grabbed some strangers and asked if they knew the Lord. even now i feel sick at the lack of urgency and the quite possible need for it in my life.... in the midst of this, i wondered if he would call me...one last goodbye... i knew i was probably the last thing on his mind...now it makes me sick that i even cared....
...you could feel the earth spinning... the feeling of the oncoming peril... i begged for mercy... do i know Him well enough?


...i wanna know your word
...i wanna speak your truth
...i wanna show the world that they can be loved by you

...so tell me what matters
...tell me what you want me to see
...tell me what matters on the span of eternity

fear

"i feel sick and tired...of being uninspired." -some song....



...Lord, I need you to carry me. My heart is sick...and it hurts...and it feels so empty...

every now and then, in a moment, i feel it whisper that hope still lives... when for a second i realize a patient has seen me...has seen that i care more deeply than the needle i have to stick them with... for a moment i feel that i love and that a person receives my love... ah, but Lord... i want a love that is deep...a love that is real... a naked love...

i don't know how to love... not for real. to be open. to reveal all. i'm too scared. too embarrassed by the scars of my core. to trust! to lie my head against an arm that i'm confident will never leave... to bear all openness through my eyes... to let my heart be searched... to find someone willing to put the time in to search me out... to find my fit...to find real friendship... chances. chances.

Lord, my heart is sick...and it hurts....

banks of purity

if i could take you back could you remember
times of you and me
times when we were young and poor
times when we were free

by the water's edge
at that bank of purity
in that clear reflection
can you see you, can you see me

you've always been my protection
always been my friend
and i can't help but wonder when
when we let the darkness in

cuz i still see you sitting there
with the sunlight shinin in your hair
your eyes as bright as heaven's light
when did we let the darkness in

(repeat first 3 verses)

cuz i still see you sitting there
with the sunlight shinin in your hair
your heart as light as the sun is bright
when did we let the darkness in

things just aren't like the used to be
reasons being unknown to me
life creeps in like a man that's mean
all of a sudden you're away from me


[probably will be edited]


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a love song

this is life
won't it do
or is there something you think
i'm keeping from you

i'm not one of those

those other lovers, they may take the time
to buy you flowers, pour you wine
i want to give you something real
something real

i'm not one of those lovers
that takes your hopes
then wraps my loving hands
around your naked throat

i won't steal life from you
no i won't

those other lovers they just won't do
they end up keeping me so far from you
i want to give you something real
something real

so i'll pick up the pieces - take the time
to mend your heart and claim that you're mine
i want you
i want you
you're real

i'm not one of those lovers you see
i'll teach you what real love can be
i'll love you, i'll scrub you, i'll make you clean
i'll set you on high so others can see
my love
your love
our love

my love

let go

sometimes you just have to let go. you fight it. you ignore it. you get pissed at it. you try to manipulate the circumstances so you can keep it. but either you can let it go easy..or you can let it go painfully.. one way or another it has to go...

it's time to let go.

try and imagine it like this.

you have hold of this rope. this rope that leads to life right? it is your lifesaver. your answer. the wind is strong. the waters, high and wild. the skies, dark. you have such a tight hold that to pull it away from you would pull flesh. you've been holding for so long that even to let go would mean painful extraction of a part of you...you've grown around it. ....but let go. you're not drowning. your feet are on the boat. and there is no one in the water. you don't need saving. you've already been saved. ....so He stands there, watching you...watching you grow into this rope... beckoning you to let go...go eat with Him on the deck...go below and enjoy Him...stand at the wheel and enjoy the wind and the sun... let go...and live.

dream...

so...i had a dream. it was weird.
in it...i had a saint bernard... you know: the idol for healing and rescue. i loved my saint bernard, but early on i "lost" him... the weird thing is that he didn't die. he was with us in body and everything...not not mind, or something? ....
we (all these nurses) were in the hospital running around doing our jobs and we know it's a busy night and only going to continue that way.
there was this one short burn victim sort of stocky and round that i thought was hitting on me, but apparently they would send him to single's bars to flirt with girls to give them confidence and make them feel better. he was mangled; most of his face was scar tissue and he being on the 5th floor i knew he probably had some sort of disease, but now i recall he was across the hall so he was probably fine. there were a few mummy like men across the hall, torn and bloody, reaching out to me when i opened the door. i ducked my head quickly and returned to my floor... later i saw him walking by, he was friendly but not as desperate before. i remember thinking how kind it was that he would go and talk to people and it must be nice for him too to get out and occasionally experience some attention.
then there was this other woman, dressed like a hoe with a leather body suit (sort of like what was worn in Legally Blonde as a bunny suit to the halloween party). she wasn't fat, but definitly had a well aged body. her skin was slightly loose, her hair was a bit messy, and she looked a bit dark, like those drug users or someone just totally used up by life. they would send her too to bars and clubs to hit on men to boost their confidence and make them feel wanted. i remember thinking what a hard job she had and if i had that job i would be tired, worn, and a bit slutty too.
we got really busy. i'm not sure if someone was declining or if we realized there were some jobs that needed to be done that hadn't been. at some point we fully realized there were nurses who 1) we thought had been there all night working and 2) were completely missing and 3) we hadn't really seen them all night. antibiotics hadn't been given, vitals hadn't been checked... who the hell knew what kind of condition these people were in. i remember thinking 1)technically they're not my patients, 2) will i be held accountable for the negligence displayed here, and 3) what can i do to quickly finish my jobs and help check and care for the other patients too.
at the moment one of my patients required like 5 stat iv tubings to be hooked up at once, and the same one also required a bunch of different important blood draws. i think they were declining. on my way into the room i thought i forgot some supplies, but had already opened the needles, so i had to carry them with me as i ran asking for advice and searching for more supplies. in out in back out of the room and i have them all so i go back in and on my way in i step up over something and somehow pierced my knee with all the needles. it hurt, but what was more painful was that i would have to take the time to get more needles. i thought about using those ones, wondering if there was skin on them or something, but when i looked there was blood so i knew it might be best to change them rather than contaminating the patient with my blood.... then i realized i already had my supplies in the room and just wasted a lot of time running around....
i became so overwhelmed or maybe it just randomly hit me.... but i suddenly ached for my saint bernard. i went to the dying animal (who apparently was in the room) and layed it over me and cried. sobbed. held my fingers tightly in it's fur aching for it to be present. the nurses outside i knew could hear me, but they let me be for a minute. it was weird having my st bernard so warm and alive, but knowing there was no mind there, only body....it still gave me comfort, but i knew one day soon it wouldn't be there at all. i got up and found some pictures of me and my st bernard. i threw away a lot of the pictures of just the head of my gigantic friend, but there was an old one of me as a kid holding the pup it was long before this situation. i hesitated before deciding to save it forever. in remembrance i tucked it away.
...then i went back to drawing blood.

dry heart

i sort of feel like my heart is dying.... i think it's being choked slowly by the comforts, by the large corporations, by the "needs" that are only "wants", by the consumption, by the technical responsibilities, by the wait to go, to be, to love....
this isn't what i hoped for...

he said to do what i wanted...go where i wanted. i want him... to wait for him, support him...and then be taken by him to adventure, generosity, and sacrifice... ...who knows what kind of life i want to lead. i want to chase it down....find it out. do i have to do it alone?

Lord, I know you're close... I'm aching for a difference here... Teach me to love the one in front of me... to be content... to live life as I'm supposed to...to go where You are... ...where are You?

anxiety

i feel so embarrassed about how i'm living. in this nice apartment, stocked crazy full of food, with all the comforts and amenities one could want... i can't explain my feelings the other night when i handed over my card to purchase the unending pile of groceries...things we "needed." defeat set in...tears welled up in my eyes...it was unbearable...i felt like i was handing over my soul to the devil of consumption and comfort. the only thing that helped me go with it was the understanding that we wouldn't be shopping for at least a month, maybe two...and yet there on our fridge one day later is a gradually increasing list of more "needed" supplies because "variety is good" and we're striving for "efficiency."

dear God...give me understanding. this isn't what i've been waiting for. this isn't the position that i worked for in the last 2 years.

i realize we're being very generous with it... opening our home to friends and feeding them endlessly...i really enjoy the people...the sharing...

why am i not okay with it? i'm so anxious and unsatisfied....

i think i'd rather be the poor woman who gives everything than the rich man who gives a fraction....

the other day in the coffee shop i was sitting and talkin to God and being really restless and unsettled. finally He got my attention and asked, "Theresa, what if you're exactly where I want you...?"

i just don't know how to feel a peace about being in this land/path of comfort...this land of overflow.... i don't even know any strangers to give to...or any widows and orphans....not directly anyway....

and besides that....i still miss him... not anything in that one month...but the conversations...the talks... the equal thirst for more... ..........i don't know what to do, Lord....

Lord, help me be obedient...open my eyes.... open my ears....
i know i need to rest in you....to shush and listen....the peace is in the righteousness, yeah? the hope is in you....the truth is in your word.... would you lead me? i really want your best...

autumn winds'a blowin...

it's fall... i guess i've been here around a month and a half now... i've met a lot of cool people...and i think i've made a bit of a community here.... i feel more whole than i used to....i feel more hopeful... a hunger for God and knowing Him has grown in me...i just want His best.

hospital work is decent. i get to touch people, help people, give shots, and start IVs.... all the while making pretty killer cash....a quarter of which i've been trying to give away. (it's hard deciding where i should give...there's so many options).... ...it's real easy to get caught up in the work that needs to be done and miss out on hearing the patient's heart, but i think the more familiar i get with the movement of the hospital it will come easier.

there's still a bit of unrest... of wondering where i belong... i feel the time is coming...and soon.... but the time for what? .... i want to be ready....

if i stay broken
does he become the whole?
if i stay bruised
is he the only healing?
am i meant to be healed to stand alone?
or are brokenness and bruising a permanent state so that i'll always see my need for him?

i still miss him....

i miss...

today went really good...i learned so much... and everyone was so nice and great... and i think i'm gonna be okay and make an awesome nurse....

and now i'm crying because i miss my friends... and i don't want new ones... and i don't want everything to change all at once... and they're having fun without me... and i want them to spend the rest of their lives missing me.... not forgetting me and moving on without me...

...and i wonder if this is why i let friendships die when i move on...because it's too hard not to be missed...it's too hard to watch yourself get replaced...

i miss him.

things change

i guess we're friends... friends who like each other... beats me.

i keep wondering if i said enough... maybe i should have told him how crazy i was/am about him.. maybe i made him think i didn't think so much about him... but them i'm thinking...uhhh... he definitely had enough clues to know that if he wanted me..all he had to do was ask me to wait...and i'd wait til the world burned over... it's going to be odd getting over this one... but maybe not so hard... he didn't want me...or at least he wasn't ready for me... plain and simple. go on. live life. maybe one day he'll realize...but maybe not. ...i just thought we fit. we still fit. ...unfortunately it's not up to me.

i guess i have things to focus on...work...and the Lord. i want to learn what community is. i want to learn how the Lord wants me to live. maybe there isn't a specific way we're supposed to live...but i want to know where i, my being, my soul, would thrive, would grow, would develop most erratically.... i want to know the Lord... i want to know how to love people...i want to know the best way to use my position and possessions to display God's love...i want to change the world's way of thinking from that of hate to love, self-sustaining to sharing...i want to change my way of thinking too.... i think a lot of healing is going to have to take place... i think there are things i need to deal with before i'm ready for much else.... i think i need to learn how to deal with things.... i really wanna be whole...

new

i'm canceling all my RN-BSN classes... i'm scared i'm not gonna use my time wisely...

i wanna

greensleeves

he's getting married today...




...there's no way to include the silence in this...the weird vast empty silence...

and it looks like old dream-come-true is ending too soon for me... it's funny... i thought this was it... but here i am singing blue moon all over again only a month later...

it's kind of incredible how small i feel...
how unconnected and unable-to-control i feel...
how life has this course that i'm only able to join in on if i'm able to hang on and ride it out...

help me hang Lord...

day dream...

it all seems so poetic...
sitting here in this little street corner cafe sipping a sweet mocha while i tap away at my computer watching cars and people pass the windows...the steam rolling from my drink and the music buzzing from the ceiling... i'm a nurse working at a major hospital and soon volunteering part time in this small town while going to school part time furthering my education... it has a strong allure of romance and mystery... a calm story which romance will upset and tragedy would displace... i imagine i'm the lady sitting outside and this is my break from my kids..sitting there with my newspaper and coffee.... i imagine i'm a part of the couple in the corner whose friendship is budding into love...i imagine i'm the student i am, the nurse i am trying to find peace in the turmoil, in the storm....i imagine what it looks like from the outside in.... mine is a story in its own... and i wonder where this novel is heading... i could write it myself... a fabulous doctor; creative, intelligent, and strong... falls in love with the selfless, passionate nurse who asks the patient as much about their families and hopes as their medical history and illnesses....they get married right away, finish school, and go about volunteering to help and love people for the rest of their lives.. it would go on with crazy stories about giving away houses and half of their incomes and adopting babies from all over the world... but then i come back to this place...where my coffee is getting cold and my paper is due on tuesday and work starts in 12 hours... and i have to ask the Lord to protect me from those things i think i want and lead me in the way where my ultimate story will have the opportunity to be played out....

organized

i don't feel like i am...i'm sure i'm not...i'm sure i'm missing things...
it's difficult trying to balance the new schedule of a proper job and the importance of it with the new schedule of ongoing studies and the importance of it....
...it's definitely new being here..don't know if it's hit me yet..i don't know that it matters too much..that i'm not at home... i'll eventually miss the family...they understand... life happens...life moves people...but i'm too busy to think about it too much...
...except for him...what am i supposed to think about him?
a part of me wants to forget it...probably all the stress...probably all the change...probably the indecision...
...i hate being a difficult option...i want to be a desired preference... i want to be chosen without having to convince... i want to be the easy one to love... the easy one to commit to... i want to be a "what i've been waiting for," not a "that'll do..." i want to be a blessing, not an obligation...
i wonder where my heart should be?
probably not so deeply hopeful for a forever outcome there.. probably should be more set on finding my place here.. my purpose... Lord, lead me....

waiting...

the future... one big pregnant gift wrapped up in possibilities and promises... it what i'm waiting for.
right now i'm trapped in the transitional-in-between phase of life. if i didn't have plans i'd feel a bit lazy and purposeless... but knowing what's i know is coming frees me from the guilt that a purposeless person might experience and allows me to rest. i'm enjoying this time of nothing. this time i spend reading and thinking and dreaming and resting. if i thought nothing was coming i'd feel restless...i'd feel desperate...for adventure, for something wild, for anything... that's what i'm aiming for. that's what i'm waiting for.

...what am i waiting for?
...what am i wanting?

more. always more. always something so stirring and challenging...my place of peace is on the mountain tops... and when i'm not sure that's where i'm headed i get so restless....so anxious..

back it up theresa... slow it down... rest in the lord... you don't always have to be going somewhere... you gotta be still to be in the refining fire long enough for it to burn you... just be. be. be.

love

(a)blue moon you've been (d)shinin on (a)me
i look at you too long and (d)you're all i (a)see
then when i turn my (d)eyes (a)away
somehow you've turned all my (d) night to (a)day
and i can (d) see
yea i can (a) see

(a) blue moon you hold my (d) heart in your (a) hands
you could lull me to sleep like the (d) waves brush the (a) sands
i lie safe in your twilight just (d) soak in your (a) glow
hang my hopes on the stars 'cause they (d) go where you (a) go
and i feel (d) free
yea i feel (a) free

(g) blue moon you've shined your (d) light on (a) me
(g) i wanna be where ever (d) you're gonna (a) be
so i can (d) see

(a) yeah then all a sudden the (d) dusk turns to (a) day
i stand at my window just (d) wishin you'd (a) stay
but you disappear and the (d) stars do (a) too
so i guess i'll hang my hopes (d) somewhere (a) new
and the stars are gone (d) now
yea they're long (a) gone

(g) i sure liked my (d) time with (a) you
(g) but blue moon i got (d) things to (a) do
(g) so rest in the (d) comfort of the (a) stars
(g) i'll check back to see (d) how you (a) are
but i'm gonna go (d) far
yea i'm gonna go (d) far

new pages

i am an RN. It's official.

surprisingly the job i have now counts as my internship so all i have to do is send in the papers and they'll be sending me back my license. incredible.

i feel slightly accomplished. but i know i have no experience so i'm not exactly much worth to the world at the moment. i've got some schemes laid out, but i really can't decide on which one to take. it'd be nice if someone would send me on my way with directions and instructions. it'd be nice if they would be the ones to pick me up and take me in after a few of the many dreams of adventure are over with. or just tell me to wait and they'll include me in theirs. the latter is my preferred option, but who am i kidding? i have a tough time thinking that'll ever come through. so...aside from that i must decide what's best for me. me. is it going straight into the workforce, gain valuable experience for 3 years, and then onto missions. or is it going off on a mini-adventure, gain some overseas experience in medicine, and then return to finish my studies and get 2 1/2 years experience. i'm leaning more towards the latter.

i'm really trying to seek the Lord about it... i've been getting to know Him a little more. i'm reading Donald Miller: Searching For God Knows What. it's brings to light some obvious ideas in the actions of humanity and i find it fantastic. why i do what i do. it just makes sense to me. it also magnifies the whole idea of intimate relationship above our quick and logical step-by-step religion. which takes about 1000 pounds off of my shoulders. i'm so tired of feeling guilty because i don't look the same as everybody else. i just want a relationship with the one who made me...not a quick out to heaven or awesome powers.... i want someone to hold me when i'm sad and set things straight when i'm confused. i want a Man i can call on and count on....someone who'll let me love them...and be loved by them....someone who's interested in knowing me...i'm discovering again that that's who He is... of course there's more to Him, but for now... i just wanna be....

and i'm learning some of the things He doesn't have to be or isn't, too... the cold hard step-by-step path to peace and suffering. the only structured logical decision if we want success. the list of have-to's and don'ts. he's more flexible than all that. more intimate and more open. he's more available than santa clause. and he's more interested than new friend. he's hungry to sit and be along side our up and down roller coaster of life. he likes you.

snigbits 2

if i could take a word or two
and dress it up like me and you
we'd see strength
and hope would be there too
with lips that're sometimes unwise
but if you take a bit of time to look
there's truth behind her eyes

jump into the deep and teach me to sink
take my hand and show me the land
i wanna go
i wanna go
but i'm scared to leap
cuz the skies never weep
makes me wonder if the water's very deep
but if you jumped
i'd jump
and follow you
yeah i'd follow it through

life looks funny through a mirror that's cracked
and i wonder who stands behind my back
who's holding these puppet strings
making me dance to all these petty things...
a whirlwind of time in this world of mine
i can't breathe past you
i can't see past you...

i'm a reaction formationist

Reaction formation reduces anxiety by taking up the opposite feeling, impulse, or behavior. An example of reaction formation would be treating someone you strongly like in an excessively unfriendly manner in order to hide your true feelings. Why do people behave this way? According to Freud, they are using reaction formation as a defense mechanism to hide their true feelings by behaving in the exact opposite manner.
- about.com

great.
the hidden mysteries of defense mechanisms... i can also think of several situations in which i've used a variety of the rest of them... not surprising i guess..after all, i am human. it's just funny reading your story written from a stranger...

snigbits

i can't see past the salt in my eyes
i can't hear from all the lies
tell me again
how's this end
can't breathe
can't sleep
can't run
can't weep
can i pinch a piece of love from your heart
die to this so maybe peace will start
just wanna cry out my fears
waste myself in tears
maybe it'd all wash away
maybe i'd wash away

one chance of a chance
i dare my eyes not to glance
but the hope rises
and my heart forgets
that hope rides away
when will it stay
don't want to wait anymore
don't want to wait anymore

deja vu

i feel so dark... and hopeless i guess... kind of pointless...
i want to call someone up and ask them if they believe in me... but already know what they'll say... of course they do... "but theresa... you've got to believe in yourself first..." how's that again? how do you overcome this? i haven't felt like this for a while... it's hard to hope when shades of grey are creeping in... i'm really too emotional... too sensitive... too unstable... i feel wasted...
they say praise gets you out of the depths... well what if i haven't the strength to look beyond my own circumstance... what if i don't want out because i'm afraid there really isn't an out... or that out never remains...and always falls away... just like people.

this is like deja vu of the dark ages...

patience

yeah... i think i'm a little depressed @ the moment... i felt so inadequate today. i have to remind myself that chris is used to having to direct... since he has no control over himself it makes the opportunity to "control" someone else uh...necessary. i can't imagine having to depend on someone else for everything...

esperar

i want you...and i don't understand why you won't come for me... maybe you're trying and i just can't see...but... be bold, will you? and be straight with me... don't play games... i want something strong in my life... i can't lean on this... am i hoping in air? am i setting my sights on fantasies? or are you just struggling to break through to me? i think you've had enough time to decide if you really want me... i guess if you're still struggling to decide that then ..maybe it's not right.
you know..maybe i'm obsessive or mentally retarded to hold out for so long..i dunno...for one, there were little snigbits of hope i thought... second, you're really something... you're really an amazing person. i love so many things about you it's unreal... i just don't want to let you go...or the hopes of you anyway... i'm sure you don't feel the same way about me... and i'm probably just insane for feeling this way for so long.... it just seemed like you were coming around... always. it seemed like in the next moment you'd decide to chase me... kinda like you're on a trip and you wonder if you're lost but you feel at any moment you'll recognize where the hell you are and so you get yourself a million miles out of route...
what am i waiting for?

scared

why do i feel so lost? so separate?
i just don't understand... i feel like i don't add up...like i don't have what it takes...
Lord, i love you! so why do i feel so isolated from the other people that love you? like..i feel stained or crooked next to them.. or at least i feel like that's what they see... and then the people that i should see as stained or crooked..i just see them as people...doin their thing... i mean...i disagree with stuff... but i love the people... and i don't see them as marked...or dead... i just want to know them...hang out... be friends... love them... ...but then i guess that's a lie too because there's people like her...who i don't have time for all the time.. because i need to breathe...and feel free... and not feel judged if i decide to mention that i had 2 beers tonight...and didn't fast like i said i would...
why can't people just be real... ...so i say..but maybe i'm just as fake as the first one...and as much a liar as the last...
is there any hope? really? ...for real and solid relations...with freedom and trust....to just be.

and i'm so stinking scared... i just don't think i'm strong enough.. to see him.. with her... i know it's so weak...so freaking weak... and silly and lame and ridiculous... but ...i haven't seen him in over a year... and i'm scared... i'm scared it will hurt. i'm scared i'll remember. i'm scared he won't look at me. i'm scared i'll look empty or lonely. i'm scared he'll talk to me. i'm scared he won't. gosh, why the hell does it matter anyway? ...it's weird that i made him go and i'm the one that has the issues afterwards... i sure as hell don't want him... but why does he get to be so happy?

can i ache for strong constant arms to be around me and a steady voice to tell me i'm worth it without being weak and desperate?
i just don't understand why i'm so protective against feeling sensitive or feminine or desirable....
i guess i'm just scared....

???

here i am..graduate...fixing to start working at the huddle house for the summer...gonna take the nclex ASAP... don't really want to do nursing..still... what the hell am i thinking? i think i'm just restless for adventure and nursing is going to require me to stay put for a year or so more... damn... lord...reach me...

one step closer to RN

i just thought i'd fill you in... today is the day i've been working towards the last 2 years...
honestly i didn't expect to be here...
geez.
it's the pinning ceremony... 8 hours and counting down...
we practiced yesterday and i just couldn't believe it...

but regardless of my successes i'm still wondering what i'm going to do with myself...

i think i've drank at least a glass a night for the last 3 or 4....celebration week yeah? but i feel a little lacking... i'm not sure... last night i met this stinkin cool guy...i KNEW he would be cool to meet...i don't know how i just knew it but i did... i sorta ditched my friends to chill with him and listen to music and talk about traveling and such... but he's a real interesting book... i want to read a couple more chapters at least....

i don't want to drink alot...i want to indulge in relationships...in talents...in life...in the lord...
am i slipping?
naa...

i don't want to miss out on something just because i'm a little tipsy...
...or something miss out on me because it thinks i am....

i couldn't have made it this far without the Lord....
He's been my hope... if not my foundation...
maybe He wants more than this... i'm sure... but what is more?

love lullaby

hope

time and tea

sunset red

life decisions...geez

i feel like i'm on the outskirts...i'm separated...but maybe right now i'm in the center of what's supposed to be going on in my life...like our lives make up these circles and sometimes our circle overlaps someone else's for a time... making a little variety...but no matter where we move or who we're near...our color exists at the base... and sometimes... we're meant to be on our own... so our one true color can shine through....


ok...i know..cornbusters... but i have to find some explanation for it...even if i have to make it up...otherwise i'm gonna either gonna end up feeling deserted...or i'll feel like a jerk because somehow i've managed to desert everyone else...

God, what the heck is your plan for me? ...i can't make these hard decisions on my own... i can't even decide what i want to do! well...i have an idea of what i would like, but... i can't see it happening... so... since plan b isn't exactly stable and well outlined....i'm not sure if i'm ready to set things in concrete.... maybe i'm scared. ush... hold my hand, Lord....

wishing

it's almost here...27 days... i just can't believe i've come this far...i can't believe i've nearly achieved this... i hope it's worth it. it will be.
i just don't know what i want to do with my life. i don't know where i want to go. what i want to do. i want someone to share all this with...but i've gotten so close to my family... i've really learned to make priorities...chase the things i want out of life...
i long to be known... to be explored... to be experienced..
i wonder what it would be like to experience me?
i hope it's like a warm breeze bringing a bit of freshness but leaves you looking a bit unruly...
lord...i feel you...i know you're there... but come find me... can you squeeze the life out of me? if i'm gonna waste my life, i want it to be wasted for you... i want to experience what you have for me...
how do you suck the marrow out of life?
i want to swim to the depth...drown in the moments....
climb to the heights and let the breeze take my mind away...
or just sit and be doused by the sunshine...

like the wind

you know...i'm not sure many men can handle this.. or many people actually....('this' as in the full context of 'me') it'd be like trying to catch the wind with your bare hands. is it possible? is it even possible to fully understand the concepts of the wind? you never really can guess which way it's going to blow...sometimes it breezes about in and out up and around: curious, comfortable, soothing...and then sometimes it comes in gusts that knock your hat to the ground and allow your papers to taste freedom for once in their lives... gusts that explode to the forefront of your path and leave you in its dust... gusts that take on the future at full speed... who can contain it with logic and expectations? who can place the chains of history and prediction around its wrists? no one. why? because it's so very often unlogical with unexpected changes and unpredictable actions. it is surprising and free and the actions of a breeze are unestimable.
does that mean it is unreliable? not exactly. because you can rely on it's ever-changing, ever-blowing consistancy. the breeze moves the seed of flowers and aids in pollination...so it's a fertilizer... the wind produces energy in it's most abundant and cheapest form...a catalyst...and it suggests in it's movement that the earth is alive... bringing hope to those stale places in the world....wind is never ending...
...so there is a beauty in the wind... and i think i'd rather be the wind than a rock...even tho rocks are perfectly reliable and never-changing except through huge amounts of work or time... i like the freedom of the wind... the variety of it... the strength and yet weakness of it... and i like being like the wind..

change...

i'm quiting nursing...

APRIL FOOLS!! (whahahaha)
ok....so on a more serious note... i am fixing to leave this place i've called home for the last 16 years. in 5 weeks i'm moving. the last time i moved moved (i mean away from everything) was when i was 6. it took me until i was 12 to actually like this place. i missed my family. i missed my friends. i know it won't take me 6 years to get comfortable in another place... history has it that i get comfortable pretty quick when i get thrown into new territory (india, north carolina, connecticut, california, etc) but from those places i was always coming home eventually. the longest was around 3 months.

i guess what i'm a little nervous about is... as many roots as i have here i feel like i don't have any. of course, pulling up from my family is going to be painful... but... ok... i'll admit... i just don't think i've made such an impact here that people will notice my nonexistence... ush...that's almost more painful than leaving my family. is my life going to look this ineffective? nonono... i don't know how to excuse it except i've learned a lot of lessons here. have i taught anyone anything? ush.... i guess it's best that i go... i hate leaving something or someplace when i feel i messed it up... or didn't milk it. it always reminds me of north carolina and my "insincere personality." bad feelings.

i think trying to please people is the worst thing i can do.
i think i'm going to stop.

comfort vs. challenge

it's kind of nice having someone find it interesting that i have a mid-size bowl of oatmeal smothered in honey and scattered with raisins every morning...
there's this place that over looks 3 counties a few miles out of town... i always want to take someone there just to sit and talk...i never do it. last night someone took me there...
it's nice having someone sit across the room and there's no pressure to say something wickedly intelligent or funny to get them to stay.....pure comfort....

the problem is.... my dreams are bigger than that.... and those bigger dreams are different than his bigger dreams.....
and i want someone to search me, find me, and challenge me....

i want to bring hope and healing to the nations. i want to sell myself and give the profit to the poor. i want to live uncomfortably...

i want someone daring enough to take me with them over steep mountains of poverty, into deep valleys of hunger, and through the enormous cloud of injustice.....
i want to live vibrantly, fiercely fighting to bring justice to the world and show them they're loved...

haha....even i laugh. will i ever be satisfied?





p.s. my roommate is gone for the week... i kind of like (ok..i love) having the house to myself...all i need is a puppy...or cat.......and need to get rid of all her crap....

complications....

does life have to be so complicated? some people do this so easily...like they've done it before...
God, I sit here and think about how I'd like my life to look...I can barely decide....
I mean... something adventurous...
something real...something live and wild...
but what does that look like to me? i want details! and how do you get there?
i'm so on edge...
like 42 days til i graduate...if i graduate...
today i thought about telling my mom, "you know..i don't even want to be a nurse."
not that i wanted to drop out or anything...not that....it's just...
i don't look like a nurse... nurses look so...heroic, clean, all nicely put together with smooth hair and make-up.... (except the old nurses...they look a little loose)
[don't let me fool you...i do want to be a nurse...]
it's just hard accepting i'm not going to be perfect at it....

you know...there was this boy...that told me he missed me. i wanted him to go into detail about what he missed about me...because it kind of surprises me that someone could miss me after a year... i wanted to hear what good i have in me that actually sticks to people...but i didn't make him do that...because it seemed like i didn't miss him as much as he missed me... and i felt bad...

i hate how obsessed about nursing i am... i guess i have to be right now... but it sucks being so obsessed about something so stressful, something so impossible... it's almost worse than being obsessed about a boy who doesn't like you... a boy never made my eye twitch. and i'm pretty sure if i failed nursing it would hurt me a lot worse than any boy ever did.

i'm just so ready for something to change...
new goals...new places...new hobbies...new faces...
there's a burning in my heart... for time... time to dream... and the confidence to see those dreams come to be.... where can i find those things?

ush...it all just seems so impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yet here i am...doing it. there's no way i could have gotten this far by luck...i did this. i'm doing this. i'm going to finish this. and i'm going to be a freaking amazing nurse! GOD let this be over soon....

no whimsical fancies here....

yeah my eyes look for a sunset red
when others are happy with blue
they say not to expect a fairytale
but what about dreams come true?
so my heart has wings
and my eyes they sing
i chase after wild
senseless things...
i color my world
beginning from bed
looking for that
wild sunset red...
the clouds they're calling
so tie a string to my toes
i'll follow my heart
i'll follow my nose
into clouds of emerald green
a sky unlike you've ever seen
where eyes they shine
and man rewinds
to the moments that overflow
like a gentle touch on the elbow
and to hazel eyes more interesting
than any show
yet even they...even those
are passed up by my curious nose
that catches the scent of adventure
the waft of more
that sets this fearsome heart alive and
free to explore
free to explore
that sunset red
the chase begins
maybe just in my head
but someday
somehow
perhaps not a fairytale like you
but i'll find my dreams come true

time and tea

hidden from the cold world's view
safe and sound in an ocean blue
covered with time and looks like tea
need the same to get thru to me

won't you sit
stay just a while
make me laugh
make me smile

the best locked in a chest with the rest
covered a bit by muck and mire
no hand from land can stand the current
fear of the unknown, desire for fire

it's hard to be found
when you're covered in ground
when you're not sure it's true
that you wanna be found

maybe it's easier to go it alone
no place your mind can't roam
maybe it's harder to go it alone
no place no chest to make your home

this diamond in the rough
needs just a little buff
so her colors can shine thru
this diamond in the rough
needs just a little buff
it'd be so nice to see you...

so if what it takes
is time and tea
do you have what it takes
to get through to me

won't you sit
stay just a while
make me laugh
make me smile

D A G A

geez...

i feel like a roller coaster....
50 more days til graduation... will i make it?
something in me says yes... but my eye is still twitching... i feel so dry... i woke up depressed and empty...i just want out of this cave...i know the world is a beautiful place, why can't i see it? i want to be a part of it, but i feel choked..
"why don't you live life while going to the hospital, you say?" ...it's not that i don't...i really really enjoy the people and my time there, but it's hard to enjoy it when i feel like my teacher is waiting for me to fail...
..and i can't find my car keys... suck.
can an irresponsible dreamer be a nurse? a good one?
i know so.
i will be.
...i want to be happy in this place...
is it just a mental decision?
...why won't my eye stop twitching??

reality

i can do this. i'm going to do this. in 2 months i will have an associates degree of nursing and i will be preparing to take my boards exam in june... i will be a REGISTERED NURSE in 3 months.
scares the hell out of me...and yet....it's right at my fingertips... it's RIGHT there. it's happening. unbelievable.

you know...i've gone through hell to get where i am. it seems like that anyway. i probably have ulcers in my stomach and i know i have zits on my face because of it. i have cried myself to sleep. i have hyperventilated. i have bitten people's heads off. withdrawn. totally freaked. it's been the hardest, worst, most difficult thing i've ever done in my life...

but when i sit there holding an 86 year old woman's tely cords while she uses the restroom, telling her just to rest and take some deep breaths to help get her O2 up and reassure her that i'll help her back to her bed and i won't let her fall..........yeah it's something simple.....yeah maybe anyone could do it... but i get to. i get to help someone. i got to care about that lady for a moment. not just care for her, but care about her. maybe not everyone who takes care of her cares for her...if you get my drift.. that's worth it to me. that makes all of the hell of nursing school worth it...

and i'm going to pass. i'm going to make it.
THAT is the reality.
i am a good student. and i'm going to be a great nurse.
so kiss my tail.

....

last night...
i did chest compressions on his chest...
his sunken chest...with broken ribs...
i looked into his dry glazed eyes....
i felt the coolness of his skin....
i heard them call it...
i helped make him presentable to his family...
...they were in the waiting room...

...i was the one who closed his eyes...

...at first they wouldn't stay shut...

...i had to hold them for a moment...

priorities.

i'm not very good at them...
deciding what's non-urgent, urgent, and an emergency...
then there're those things that are so far gone you just might as well leave em for dead...
there are some things that don't matter what order you decide to do them in... just whatever you wanna do first: go for it. ...sometimes those can be crazy difficult because then you have to think how long each will take and who knows what will come through the door next... which do you want to have done already?
priorities...
they're not just in nursing school...
i wish there was a sorter that life had to go through before it fell in my hands... and it would fall in order of importance, in order of vitality...
direction helps. is it possible to always have someone standing beside you gently guiding you in the minor tasks as well as the major?
it seems there's multiple areas in my life lacking direction. in fact, i would say the few priority areas of my life are lacking the most direction.
it's funny as much as i ache for adventure and the wild i ache for something constant and something sure....
and as much as i love the mystery of colors i still find attractive the assurance of black and white...

smitten

...it's official...
like it wasn't before

he's risking me falling for him....
...if i haven't already....
those dreams...
those schemes...
those eyes....

take me with you....

3 am

don't worry...i haven't been up this late surfing the web.... today, this early morning, which is all of your tomorrow's... whatever...i just met my preceptor...the woman i'm supposed to follow for 120 hours and learn how to be a nurse from: God help me. She's laid back. i'm laid back. that's cool right? hmm.. no! because if i only learn how to be a laid back nurse....ush.... my poor patients. they need a nurse on her toes. a nurse expecting the unexpected. a nurse ready to jump at the slightest drop or abnormality in status. a nurse who will notice the unnoticeable. they need a nurse who knows what the hell ketones are (i'm sorry mrs. atwood...I FORGOT that ketones in the urine signifies a happenin DKA). I have so much to learn... or actually just so much to remember. why didn't i study harder? why did i waste so much time?

in the next 8 months... i could become one of two things. 1) a college graduate with a ADN (plus tons of undergraduate general ed hours) ready to take on the world and pass the NCLEX or 2) a 4-year college student with tons of gen ed, a year and a half of nursing classes, and nothing to do with it because she failed med surg II.

i don't have enough money or courage to stay at this college for another semester! if i don't pass....gosh...what the heck can i offer to the world? i'm not as desperately scared as i have been in the past, but.... my right eye is twitching... has been the whole day... i think i have some suppressed stress in my life.

regardless of the outcomes of this course....well... i'm not sure really.... sell everything i own to pay for an extra semester? maybe. ...maybe.

but i'm going to pass i think. i'm going to be a nurse i hope. i'm going to help people i'll try. i'm going to save people. i'm going to make a difference. i'm going to do great things. i'm going to heal people. i'm going to love people. i'm going... to the nations... to the wounded hearts...to the empty hands... to the desperate...the broken....the orphans....the widows...the world.

.....

i don't know why i'm so desperate to make a difference... it's like maybe my life isn't worth anything unless it has a positive effect on another person... it feels a little bare right now... i want to go to china to pick up one of those babies... i know i know...there are differences you can make here... i will... it's hard to find them in a christian campus where everyone has their windshields tinted and their hearts in cages....God forbid someone see in... (i'm guilty too).... i want to learn to be free here in corporate america before i go somewhere else tho... i wonder if it's possible... i'm a bird meant to fly....
i was sitting in the ER yesterday.... waiting for a good friend to finish getting her tour of the area she'll be working in for the next couple months... i didn't see anyone in real bad shape, but...they were in the emergency room soooooo.... obviously something was bothering them. i hesitated praying for them because i was wearing my white scrubs with my name and CU on it...i let the opportunity slip by.... maybe i wouldn't have been the only one going home that day had i decided to risk it... what could they do to me anyway? that'd be a little hypocritical to punish me for praying while i represent a christian school... i hate fear and cowardlinesses. especially when it's not really a risk... gosh! ridiculous... let loose of me, world....

change

http://www.channel4.com/fourdocs/archive/the_dying_room_player.html

...i guess the most difficult thing is what to do...i want to save them all, you know...

i hope i die a young death if ever i decide to be apathetic towards the suffering going on in the world. really.

i will act.

lord, wet our hearts and open our eyes. God forbid I use all the resources I've been born into on my own 'successes'.... God forbid I neglect my own sons and daughters, brothers and sisters...


There's so much pain in so much of the world... even in our very midst... we can ALL make a difference.
"...love the one in front of you..." - heidi baker

bam.

"jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people." - matt 4:23

just like that.

transparency

sometimes i'm tempted to tell everyone everything about my life... i don't know why i feel so driven to be transparent...to lay out my heart... i don't have anything to show off that's for sure.... my life is the image of brokenness and sometimes bondage.... i have sin in my life that has been with me since 8th grade... and i want to tell them about the freedom found in Christ? it doesn't make much sense does it? ...not to me either. your guess is as good as mine.

ooh but the freedom that's in Christ... shewt... what freedom, you say? well... the freedom to be broken...the freedom to be... the freedom to find life amidst death... it's there...i want it. i've tasted it.

tonight at bcm was so sweet. worship was incredible. Lord YOU are so sweet. i want everyone to feel it...to find it... to be set free to be....

oh, but transparency is good. i think because the Lord can use to it relate to people. i once heard this story about a boy who never had been to church and they were going on a youth trip. well, it rained and the car got stuck or something and the pastor/busdriver got out to fix it, got mad and cussed....of course, he felt guilty for 'ruining his witness,' but regardless that little boy got saved that weekend and when the pastor asked him, 'how?'..... 'well,' said the little boy...'i figured if i God could save someone like you, he could save someone like me too.'

i'm not going to begin to act like my life is together... shewt... i'm definitely a broken vessel... .maybe you think i'm foolish to think sharing my dirt can change people...i dunno.. i've said it before: the Lord was, is, and will ever be the hope of the world...regardless of my faithfulness (or anything else for that matter)....thank you Jesus...but i hear the Lord likes to use our weakness to show his strength... so... it's transparency over opaque for me... just for the chance of setting one person free...

if i go crazy...will you still be my friend?

i believe the Lord wants to heal sick people...
i believe sometimes God tells me things about people and their lives...
i believe God tells me things about life...about today and tomorrow...
i believe in supernatural powers...
i believe in real miracles...
i believe in the impossible...
i believe that i can set people free through the power of God...
i believe that i am a vessel of the love of God...
i believe there is power in my hands...
sometimes people get hot when i touch them...
i believe i am the Living One's hands and feet and mouth and....

i go to wal*mart to ask if i can pray for people....
sometimes i expect them to get healed...
sometimes i just want to see their hearts healed...
i pray out loud and in words unknown to human ears....
i wanna give away everything i have...
i spent valentine's night worshiping an unseen Lover...
sometimes that unseen Lover kisses me...
i would rather be loved by that Lover than any lover the world could offer....

sometimes i act like all of this is not true...
usually i'm willing to sacrifice everything in order to taste a bit of it...
always are my hopes and dreams rooted and grounded in seeing it come out in my life....

regardless of everything that has ever been, is now, or ever will be: i have seen the Lord do miracles through my mouth and hands. it is something worth waiting for, worth fighting for, worth dying for....

dadada....

guitar...soul soothing melody
+
wine...mind numbing substance
=
nice night

W.I.P.

check out my work in progress:oh wait....i meant to put this: (haha)

love day

it's love day... :)
i love love day

lord, i won't tie my yoke
with any other kinda oke
than one who
wants to
run after you

you've read my heart
been in my dreams
can't be satisfied
by lifeless
unwild things

i wanna soar
i wanna fling
away those worldly
heavy things

i wanna take a lovers hand
kiss the stars with my heart
scour the land
with love
with love

overflow

I wanna singWhile the ocean sleepsI wanna feelwhat its like to be freeI wanna to seewhat you see in meI wanna know how it feels to believeI feel lost somehow im drifting away Was almost gone, you brought me to life again so let me be your lighthouseand i'll help you find a way outof hereI see the tide is commingdont let it take you away from metheres no way im jumping over I know its your love that saved me-part of the lyrics to Lighthouse by Hope

He came to give us life
not just life, but life abundantly
not just a ticket out of hell
but a life of dreams come true
passion, battles, and storms of He and you

He came to set us free
from strongholds and misery
not just a promise of days to come
but of a story that's ready and waiting
a fairytale that's already begun

He came to set us free
free to search, explore and dream
free to roam and master things
free to grow, fall, and fling
away those heavy worldly things
free to be
free to be



....sometimes i get this burning in my chest...this feeling wells up ... His desire to set us free is so great... His desire for us is as real and intense as the aches in our heart for something more... i don't know how to express this emotion in words... it's like i could rip my heart out of my chest and fling it into the air... and as it falls somehow it sprouts wings and soars.... He wants to set us free .... free from what? free from social norms? free from strongholds? free of ourselves?
free to soar... free to dream... free to be.... just be.... free to walk on water and mend the broken hearted...free to touch the hidden heart and open it to the light of love... free to explore the opportunities and adventures of the kingdom...free to run and take from the rooms of glory whatever we fancy... free to open the chests of the king, try on His clothes, and take on the image of royalty.... free to rise up as leaders... free to speak from the fountain of our hearts... free to live as we dare.... free to put our strongholds and sins in the graves they belong in... free to take on the cloak of joy, dance in the rain of power, and pour out the wine on the world around us...

may your Kingdom come
may your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven

the mysteries of music

sometimes i wonder what life was like before i heard a particular song... what was it like without hearing those words... without feeling the things i feel when i listen to it...never experiencing that particular emotion....never getting lost in that specific tune... geez...how's it so captivating... the mysteries of music.... like my soul's found harmony in it's notes...peace in it's melody... ...i know it's corny... but really...

west coast - coconut records

horizon

not gonna lie lord.. i'm a little desperate for you now... you're a God of freedom, right?

why'm i holding strong to these strongholds
gasping for air drownin in the seas of empty
clinging to the frayed edges of patchwork happy
when you promised victory to me

while victory promised rises on the horizon
while victory promised rises on the horizon
victory is on the horizon

why'm i tapping my toes to the music of my foes
dreamin i gotta wake up with yesterday's woe
drippin from the seams i forget what it means
to hope in the promise, what it means to be free

while freedom promised rises on the horizon
while freedom promised rises on the horizon
freedom is on the horizon

where'd i put my rose-colored glasses
must've lost em on the way to those classes
twist my mind and steal my hopes
wish i could hang these books from deaths own ropes

while hope promised rises on the horizon
while hope promised rises on the horizon
hope is on the horizon

kingdom come within this pauper's reach
wanna dance in the sands of freedom's beach
race through hope fields in mercy lands
praise to the one who mends with his own hands
i see the victory risin on the horizon

yeah freedom rises on the horizon
yeah hope rises on the horizon
victory is on the horizon


i wanna see your kingdom come lord... i wanna see the son shine bright...i wanna see it shine in the lives of my friends...the lives of my fathers..in my own heart.....

G D Em C

dreams

they say you should make a list of your dreams....i guess what you wanna see come out of your life....

well...

i want adventure...
i want love...
i want babies...
i want to give hope to those people that lost the spark in their eyes...
i want to kiss strangers with my words...
...i think that may just be it...

ghandi says that we should be the change that we want to see in the world...

i feel like someone is trying to steal something from me.

it's not gonna happen.

...

...i am dark, but i am lovely...sometimes it's hard for me to see the lovely...often it's hard to confess the dark.

bare-all camaraderie...i want it

...if i could but save the world...

life..if i could but save it...
if i could pluck it from danger and
restore it to the green valleys and meadows it belongs in...
with lilies, dandilions, and golden rays of glory...
...if i could take beauty and put it on a canvas...
share ideas of freedom with the dark
lead you by the hand off the worn path...
...and into sun streaked heavens of green and gold..
places men have forgotten...
...or have yet to know...
places where the heart sprouts wings and soars
...if i could set you free...
from addictions
and caffeine...
...from waiting for the next big thing...
if i could undo the clasp on your desires
untie your mind's eye
release the waters of hopes and dreams
if i could let you rest on my chest in safety
...while you browse the white clouds of possibilities...
if i could set you free...
to dream...to explore...
...to be...
i would

reality

are we all delirious living in our own little worlds of reality? what the stink is it anyway? sometimes i get scared thinking i've gone off the deep end...and then i talk to someone else and well, maybe they have too... what if life turns out to be one big Truman Show lie and there was a whole different story on the other side of the walls of deceit we found ourselves living in? geez. is there anyone that can make sense of it all?

it says that knowledge begins with fear of the Lord...
and that if you ask the Lord for wisdom He'll give it to you...
the wisdom of God is foolishness to man...
reality is found in Christ...
God is not the author of confusion....

it's what i cling to... i suppose it keeps me sane even tho, lookin back to the scripture, it will definitely appear [to the world] that i'm still a fool... can you ever win?

abortion

there is a holocaust happening among us...and we fail to act because of the silence of the victims. i feel we have numbed our ears to the silent cries in hopes that perhaps the saying, "ignorance is bliss" is true. some of us just never realized the extremeties and relevancy of this issue. just because their audible cries are not heard, doesn't mean there is no existence. the war in our world has continuously been a battle over the legitimacy of the seen and unseen. i tell you, today we must not close our eyes to the invisible winds of destruction and homocide happening in our nations.
this is not a choice. it is a child.
three inches of flesh and an audible cry doesn't change the prospect of life existing in a fetus.
convenience shouldn't be a deciding factor on whether a fetus is a baby or merely a mass of flesh.
i have heard arguments on both sides.
one, i'm appauled at some of the approaches of pro-life people. They hurl insults and present hatred for abortion supporters. This isn't the answer. we must love.
second, i'm ashamed by the hardened hearts of those supporting abortion. this is not always a case of ignorance. there are many who fully understand the procedures, but are blinded to the life existing in these children.

i am inviting pro-life supporters not to a war of hatred and insults, but a battle of love and prayer.
i am inviting pro-abortion supporters to research this topic on the web and in their hearts.

www.abort73.com

love

"You know when I saidI knew little about love?Well, that wasn't true.I know a lot about love.I've seen it.I've seen centuries and centuries of it.And it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable.All those wars. Pain and lies. Hate.Made me want to turn awayAnd never look down again.But to see the way that mankind loves.I mean, you could search The furthest reaches of the universeAnd never find anything more beautiful.So, yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know it can be unpredictable,Unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable And, well,Strangely easy to mistake for loathing.AndWhat I'm trying to say, Tristan, isI think I love you.My heart, it feels likeMy chest can barely contain it.Like it doesn't belong to me anymore.It belongs to you.And if you wanted it,I'd wish for nothing in exchange.No gifts, no goods,No demonstrations of devotion.Nothing but knowing you love me too.Just your heartIn exchange for mine."

-Yvaine (from the movie Stardust)


i'm definitely not the best at love...definitely not good at explaining it. i know i feel it often. i don't always express it well. sometimes i express something completely different... but oh, i love love. it's pretty much what makes the world go 'round. it's why we do things...our love for something.

if we could only catch a glimpse of how great the Lord's love is for us...love would never be a problem. if we could sense for a moment the vastness of His affections for us... the world would recoil for fear of being burnt by the fire of passions ignited in us. oh, for revelation of this love!