complications....

does life have to be so complicated? some people do this so easily...like they've done it before...
God, I sit here and think about how I'd like my life to look...I can barely decide....
I mean... something adventurous...
something real...something live and wild...
but what does that look like to me? i want details! and how do you get there?
i'm so on edge...
like 42 days til i graduate...if i graduate...
today i thought about telling my mom, "you know..i don't even want to be a nurse."
not that i wanted to drop out or anything...not that....it's just...
i don't look like a nurse... nurses look so...heroic, clean, all nicely put together with smooth hair and make-up.... (except the old nurses...they look a little loose)
[don't let me fool you...i do want to be a nurse...]
it's just hard accepting i'm not going to be perfect at it....

you know...there was this boy...that told me he missed me. i wanted him to go into detail about what he missed about me...because it kind of surprises me that someone could miss me after a year... i wanted to hear what good i have in me that actually sticks to people...but i didn't make him do that...because it seemed like i didn't miss him as much as he missed me... and i felt bad...

i hate how obsessed about nursing i am... i guess i have to be right now... but it sucks being so obsessed about something so stressful, something so impossible... it's almost worse than being obsessed about a boy who doesn't like you... a boy never made my eye twitch. and i'm pretty sure if i failed nursing it would hurt me a lot worse than any boy ever did.

i'm just so ready for something to change...
new goals...new places...new hobbies...new faces...
there's a burning in my heart... for time... time to dream... and the confidence to see those dreams come to be.... where can i find those things?

ush...it all just seems so impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yet here i am...doing it. there's no way i could have gotten this far by luck...i did this. i'm doing this. i'm going to finish this. and i'm going to be a freaking amazing nurse! GOD let this be over soon....