Friday, November 28, 2008


so...i had a dream. it was weird.
in it...i had a saint bernard... you know: the idol for healing and rescue. i loved my saint bernard, but early on i "lost" him... the weird thing is that he didn't die. he was with us in body and everything...not not mind, or something? ....
we (all these nurses) were in the hospital running around doing our jobs and we know it's a busy night and only going to continue that way.
there was this one short burn victim sort of stocky and round that i thought was hitting on me, but apparently they would send him to single's bars to flirt with girls to give them confidence and make them feel better. he was mangled; most of his face was scar tissue and he being on the 5th floor i knew he probably had some sort of disease, but now i recall he was across the hall so he was probably fine. there were a few mummy like men across the hall, torn and bloody, reaching out to me when i opened the door. i ducked my head quickly and returned to my floor... later i saw him walking by, he was friendly but not as desperate before. i remember thinking how kind it was that he would go and talk to people and it must be nice for him too to get out and occasionally experience some attention.
then there was this other woman, dressed like a hoe with a leather body suit (sort of like what was worn in Legally Blonde as a bunny suit to the halloween party). she wasn't fat, but definitly had a well aged body. her skin was slightly loose, her hair was a bit messy, and she looked a bit dark, like those drug users or someone just totally used up by life. they would send her too to bars and clubs to hit on men to boost their confidence and make them feel wanted. i remember thinking what a hard job she had and if i had that job i would be tired, worn, and a bit slutty too.
we got really busy. i'm not sure if someone was declining or if we realized there were some jobs that needed to be done that hadn't been. at some point we fully realized there were nurses who 1) we thought had been there all night working and 2) were completely missing and 3) we hadn't really seen them all night. antibiotics hadn't been given, vitals hadn't been checked... who the hell knew what kind of condition these people were in. i remember thinking 1)technically they're not my patients, 2) will i be held accountable for the negligence displayed here, and 3) what can i do to quickly finish my jobs and help check and care for the other patients too.
at the moment one of my patients required like 5 stat iv tubings to be hooked up at once, and the same one also required a bunch of different important blood draws. i think they were declining. on my way into the room i thought i forgot some supplies, but had already opened the needles, so i had to carry them with me as i ran asking for advice and searching for more supplies. in out in back out of the room and i have them all so i go back in and on my way in i step up over something and somehow pierced my knee with all the needles. it hurt, but what was more painful was that i would have to take the time to get more needles. i thought about using those ones, wondering if there was skin on them or something, but when i looked there was blood so i knew it might be best to change them rather than contaminating the patient with my blood.... then i realized i already had my supplies in the room and just wasted a lot of time running around....
i became so overwhelmed or maybe it just randomly hit me.... but i suddenly ached for my saint bernard. i went to the dying animal (who apparently was in the room) and layed it over me and cried. sobbed. held my fingers tightly in it's fur aching for it to be present. the nurses outside i knew could hear me, but they let me be for a minute. it was weird having my st bernard so warm and alive, but knowing there was no mind there, only still gave me comfort, but i knew one day soon it wouldn't be there at all. i got up and found some pictures of me and my st bernard. i threw away a lot of the pictures of just the head of my gigantic friend, but there was an old one of me as a kid holding the pup it was long before this situation. i hesitated before deciding to save it forever. in remembrance i tucked it away.
...then i went back to drawing blood.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

dry heart

i sort of feel like my heart is dying.... i think it's being choked slowly by the comforts, by the large corporations, by the "needs" that are only "wants", by the consumption, by the technical responsibilities, by the wait to go, to be, to love....
this isn't what i hoped for...

he said to do what i wanted...go where i wanted. i want him... to wait for him, support him...and then be taken by him to adventure, generosity, and sacrifice... ...who knows what kind of life i want to lead. i want to chase it down....find it out. do i have to do it alone?

Lord, I know you're close... I'm aching for a difference here... Teach me to love the one in front of me... to be content... to live life as I'm supposed go where You are... ...where are You?