3 am

don't worry...i haven't been up this late surfing the web.... today, this early morning, which is all of your tomorrow's... whatever...i just met my preceptor...the woman i'm supposed to follow for 120 hours and learn how to be a nurse from: God help me. She's laid back. i'm laid back. that's cool right? hmm.. no! because if i only learn how to be a laid back nurse....ush.... my poor patients. they need a nurse on her toes. a nurse expecting the unexpected. a nurse ready to jump at the slightest drop or abnormality in status. a nurse who will notice the unnoticeable. they need a nurse who knows what the hell ketones are (i'm sorry mrs. atwood...I FORGOT that ketones in the urine signifies a happenin DKA). I have so much to learn... or actually just so much to remember. why didn't i study harder? why did i waste so much time?

in the next 8 months... i could become one of two things. 1) a college graduate with a ADN (plus tons of undergraduate general ed hours) ready to take on the world and pass the NCLEX or 2) a 4-year college student with tons of gen ed, a year and a half of nursing classes, and nothing to do with it because she failed med surg II.

i don't have enough money or courage to stay at this college for another semester! if i don't pass....gosh...what the heck can i offer to the world? i'm not as desperately scared as i have been in the past, but.... my right eye is twitching... has been the whole day... i think i have some suppressed stress in my life.

regardless of the outcomes of this course....well... i'm not sure really.... sell everything i own to pay for an extra semester? maybe. ...maybe.

but i'm going to pass i think. i'm going to be a nurse i hope. i'm going to help people i'll try. i'm going to save people. i'm going to make a difference. i'm going to do great things. i'm going to heal people. i'm going to love people. i'm going... to the nations... to the wounded hearts...to the empty hands... to the desperate...the broken....the orphans....the widows...the world.