organized

i don't feel like i am...i'm sure i'm not...i'm sure i'm missing things...
it's difficult trying to balance the new schedule of a proper job and the importance of it with the new schedule of ongoing studies and the importance of it....
...it's definitely new being here..don't know if it's hit me yet..i don't know that it matters too much..that i'm not at home... i'll eventually miss the family...they understand... life happens...life moves people...but i'm too busy to think about it too much...
...except for him...what am i supposed to think about him?
a part of me wants to forget it...probably all the stress...probably all the change...probably the indecision...
...i hate being a difficult option...i want to be a desired preference... i want to be chosen without having to convince... i want to be the easy one to love... the easy one to commit to... i want to be a "what i've been waiting for," not a "that'll do..." i want to be a blessing, not an obligation...
i wonder where my heart should be?
probably not so deeply hopeful for a forever outcome there.. probably should be more set on finding my place here.. my purpose... Lord, lead me....