fear

"i feel sick and tired...of being uninspired." -some song....



...Lord, I need you to carry me. My heart is sick...and it hurts...and it feels so empty...

every now and then, in a moment, i feel it whisper that hope still lives... when for a second i realize a patient has seen me...has seen that i care more deeply than the needle i have to stick them with... for a moment i feel that i love and that a person receives my love... ah, but Lord... i want a love that is deep...a love that is real... a naked love...

i don't know how to love... not for real. to be open. to reveal all. i'm too scared. too embarrassed by the scars of my core. to trust! to lie my head against an arm that i'm confident will never leave... to bear all openness through my eyes... to let my heart be searched... to find someone willing to put the time in to search me out... to find my fit...to find real friendship... chances. chances.

Lord, my heart is sick...and it hurts....