anxiety

i feel so embarrassed about how i'm living. in this nice apartment, stocked crazy full of food, with all the comforts and amenities one could want... i can't explain my feelings the other night when i handed over my card to purchase the unending pile of groceries...things we "needed." defeat set in...tears welled up in my eyes...it was unbearable...i felt like i was handing over my soul to the devil of consumption and comfort. the only thing that helped me go with it was the understanding that we wouldn't be shopping for at least a month, maybe two...and yet there on our fridge one day later is a gradually increasing list of more "needed" supplies because "variety is good" and we're striving for "efficiency."

dear God...give me understanding. this isn't what i've been waiting for. this isn't the position that i worked for in the last 2 years.

i realize we're being very generous with it... opening our home to friends and feeding them endlessly...i really enjoy the people...the sharing...

why am i not okay with it? i'm so anxious and unsatisfied....

i think i'd rather be the poor woman who gives everything than the rich man who gives a fraction....

the other day in the coffee shop i was sitting and talkin to God and being really restless and unsettled. finally He got my attention and asked, "Theresa, what if you're exactly where I want you...?"

i just don't know how to feel a peace about being in this land/path of comfort...this land of overflow.... i don't even know any strangers to give to...or any widows and orphans....not directly anyway....

and besides that....i still miss him... not anything in that one month...but the conversations...the talks... the equal thirst for more... ..........i don't know what to do, Lord....

Lord, help me be obedient...open my eyes.... open my ears....
i know i need to rest in you....to shush and listen....the peace is in the righteousness, yeah? the hope is in you....the truth is in your word.... would you lead me? i really want your best...