scared

why do i feel so lost? so separate?
i just don't understand... i feel like i don't add up...like i don't have what it takes...
Lord, i love you! so why do i feel so isolated from the other people that love you? like..i feel stained or crooked next to them.. or at least i feel like that's what they see... and then the people that i should see as stained or crooked..i just see them as people...doin their thing... i mean...i disagree with stuff... but i love the people... and i don't see them as marked...or dead... i just want to know them...hang out... be friends... love them... ...but then i guess that's a lie too because there's people like her...who i don't have time for all the time.. because i need to breathe...and feel free... and not feel judged if i decide to mention that i had 2 beers tonight...and didn't fast like i said i would...
why can't people just be real... ...so i say..but maybe i'm just as fake as the first one...and as much a liar as the last...
is there any hope? really? ...for real and solid relations...with freedom and trust....to just be.

and i'm so stinking scared... i just don't think i'm strong enough.. to see him.. with her... i know it's so weak...so freaking weak... and silly and lame and ridiculous... but ...i haven't seen him in over a year... and i'm scared... i'm scared it will hurt. i'm scared i'll remember. i'm scared he won't look at me. i'm scared i'll look empty or lonely. i'm scared he'll talk to me. i'm scared he won't. gosh, why the hell does it matter anyway? ...it's weird that i made him go and i'm the one that has the issues afterwards... i sure as hell don't want him... but why does he get to be so happy?

can i ache for strong constant arms to be around me and a steady voice to tell me i'm worth it without being weak and desperate?
i just don't understand why i'm so protective against feeling sensitive or feminine or desirable....
i guess i'm just scared....