tomando

so....i'm just trying to understand things. it's hard to find a balance in life. c.s. lewis (basically) said that if we are set on seeing heaven then how can we keep even a smidgen of hell in our lives. i wouldn't say last night was hell...or even a part of it really.. but the thing is that all our lives we've been taught that drinking is wrong...or maybe just from experience...it's typically used by a person living in darkness...or something... last night nothing happened that was wrong... maybe i drank a little too much...i was excited about seeing my friends... excited about spending time with them.. excited.

...does it mean i don't want the Lord? does it mean i don't want victory and restoration in my life? does it mean that i'm not serious about what's been happening in me these last few months? does it mean i'm not in a good place? does it mean i'm not whole?

i don't think so................................................................

i just want my life to add up, you know? i don't want to say one thing and do another...i want to live a life where it's obvious what i want out of it...

i'm pretty sure i'm okay.. nothing is shattering down in me or anything...my heart was pure last night... my purposes... my desires innocent... it was fun...spending time with my friends and my fantastic brother..

i'm just not sure what good i did...
and i want to do good things...

i'm happy...i'm not guilty or anything... i'm just thinking...

i'm really happy about where i am right now...it's so nice...to feel whole and loved... to feel safe... and desired..fought for...and rescued.... i have that laugh that's hard to keep in your chest...if i don't let it out it somehow turns inward and laughs to my core.... it's warm... colorful... vibrant... alive... and i can't really explain the feeling of knowing that even if i fell...someone would come after me...someone would be there to lift me up....i can't explain knowing i'll never be alone.. knowing there's a passionate God who lived and died so that He might have the opportunity of knowing me.... the opportunity of having me love him...

the other night i was in a worship service and i felt like God wanted me to read jeremiah 33... and when i did i was so encouragaed...it talked about restoration... it said that there were people who looked at the city and saw desolation...and maybe the city was desolate and dead... but God promised restoration...new life...and the opportunity to dream and hope was replanted in the heart of it... it's nice knowing i'm going to be built up...that He's gonna come for me even if i'm surrounded by darkness...

He fought for me...even when i didn't have the ability to cry out for help...
He believed in me..even when i couldn't hope for myself....
He came for me....