Monday, June 15, 2009


sometimes i feel dirty. or wasted like i haven't showered in a few days and i'm deprived of sleep a bit. or like a hole is in my xiphoid process area and a cave is there and dry things crawl in there and scratch. i feel like that usually the morning after i drink too much or if some boy forced me into accepting his suggestive comments as the norm and proper way to communicate. this feeling doesn't usually go away for a while. either i have to do really good things and spend lots of time with good pure people or i have to ignore it for a few days and not engage in any questionable behavior. then it gradually disappears and i feel good again. good like cold lemonade on a hot day. good like i'm okay and the cave isn't there and someone loves me.

sometimes i feel squirmy. like a bug that you press your finger on the back of their shell and they can still move their arms and legs but they must feel the weight of the floor against their chest and the pressure on their shoulders and they can't move. they can't escape. sometimes i feel like that bug. it happens when someone looks at me like they like me a lot or like they need me. it most usually happens with a boy because i know that any girl that looks at me like that will someday find a husband and it doesn't mean they'll need me forever. but with a boy you never know what they want. they might just want one thing. they might want things to last. and there's that chance they might not want things to last once they get to know me. so it's better to run away in the beginning. or at least try to. that squirmy feeling sure makes me want to run. ...i wonder if you hold your finger down long enough on these bugs if they ever calm down and let you keep them? and i wonder, if they decide to let you keep them, if they'll ever really love you or always wish they'd tried a little harder to run away.

sometimes i feel good. i look out the window and hope is written in diamonds and candy. like every tree has the best fruit and when you walk down the street rich possibilities hang out the windows of cars that drive by and beg you to join them. and you have all the time in the world to decide which one you want to ride with so you keep strolling along enjoying your popsicle and hitting things along the way with a stick you found. ...maybe even stopping to watch ants drink the beer from a can left there from the night before, wondering what they get out of it. all the while just enjoying the sunshine kissing your face and keeping you warm. you can't help but notice how green the leaves have gotten and how bright the colors of the flowers are when you have days like that. it's like they're laughing loudly at their own enjoyment of life, calling you over to just can't miss it.

one time i had this conversation with a guy that i met in a coffee shop. he looked like he could be homeless but then he told me about how him and his kids get together at their house and how he bought a van and wants to paint hippie pictures and sayings all over it just for fun. i think i got high just talking to this guy. i felt all buzzy and the world was blurry except for him and me. he was like forty and asked for my number just to continue the conversation. it seemed pretty innocent, but i gave him my email thinking i could ignore that easier than phone calls and i think he could see right through my facad because he never wrote me. i wondered if it was possible that we could have ever been friends, but i doubt it. doesn't seem like it's possible for a man to be friends with a woman, not one he's attracted to. seems like eventually somebody wants to touch somebody and then somebody gets scared and then it's over and your friendship is gone and all you got left is your heart in your hands torn a little bit.

men scare me. it scares me to get close to them. it scares me to really try to tell them who i am and give them time to get to know me. it scares me when they just say hello and ask me how my week went. it scares me when they start calling predictably. it scares me to be asked where i'm going or what i'm doing like they might judge me or accuse me of something that i didn't know i wasn't supposed to be doing. it scares me when they really look at me. or grab my hand. or touch my face. it scares me if they wanna be alone with me. sometimes i'm not scared. sometimes i like it. often i want it. but i guess when i think back to the long line of fools in my life i just don't know what to think about it. it makes me want to be in charge and say when things are okay and when they're not. it makes me want to hold my hand out and keep something between us..something that won't let them touch my heart. it's not always like this. only sometimes. ...

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