Sunday, March 22, 2009

lonely. not me.

today i had a good day. i saw a movie all alone. it was a movie about something that had happened in the world...through a child's eyes. it was really interesting. i was so happy to be there. experiencing someone else's experience. sort of. i sat among people who i felt also wanted to share in the child's life. to see something outside of their world. to care for a moment about another's trials/troubles/world. i feel a part of something bigger than myself at these movies. a part of a giant earth. but i laughed out loud (being myself) too loud and someone turned to look at me like i was abnormal. and i realized maybe not everyone was ready for that intimate connection of being friends and family. of being fond of one another's differences...oh well.

i left this film to sit in the sun and enjoy my book.
i sat for a while. having difficulties focusing sometimes due to the brightness.
a man approached me...obviously a bit down trodden. ...a dude that probably hung out with the homeless.

"hey.. nice day out for reading?" he says.
(why is this strange guy talking to me?)
"yes...the sun is nice." i say....looking at him sideways from my book.
"i saw you sitting here all by yourself." he says.
(oh...what does he want from me? is he hitting on me?)
"yes...i like to read." i say....glancing at him and then burrowing in my book... a bit afraid?
he hesitates....
"yeah..so. .... .. i thought i'd come say hi.... i thought you might be lonely" he says.
(no..i will not go out with you...please don't come closer, please don't touch me.)
"no...i'm not lonely." i say...... maybe another glance..and holding my book closer to my face as if to show that i had company and wasn't alone...
"oh...well..have a nice day" he says
"you too." i say.... half smiling as he walked away.

as he walked...(being wary of him in case he looks back...or comes back)...i glanced after him. then i stared after him. nearly aching. nearly going after him. what if he doesn't have the friends or family or acquaintances that listen so well or care so much like the ones that I have? what if he goes home to no one....or nothing...? what if it's just him?

...what if HE was lonely?

2 comments:

Dave said...

Boy that's tough... you know my family knows I'm the type that will talk to anyone. I do tend to be as bad as any guy and talk more to the prettier women like I'm sure you are....

While there is that risk of strangers... I think I have found that mostly there is nothing more rewarding than seeing a broad smile from a stranger who really wanted someone to say Hi to them.

Keep in mind, I'm no big person... so easily I'm as vulnerable as a woman when I reach out. That's why I like to travel on business with some of the big friends I work with... HA...

Peace... soul searching over these things is good too.

Dave

only a lover said...

well, it's just so interesting. i suppose when i'm the one in control..the one doing the approaching... i'm not afraid of a stranger. and typically i enjoy their advances to socialize as well. only sometimes do i feel threatened or act unavailable and 'cool' like i did in this example. i just don't respect my actions here very much. i think that's why i shared it. and the revelation that possibly he was the one that 'just wanted to talk' and 'needed a friend' and he wasn't out to 'get something from me' made me feel slightly ashamed at my coolness towards him. .......i realize sometimes that 'feeling of threat' can be a good thing, but i was in broad day light with massive amounts of people passing by each moment...i was in no danger. i would like to learn to save that feeling of threat for moments when i need it...not in useless moments where it saves me from nothing but being myself towards another lonely human being.