attempt to know

i can't quite wrap my mind around what's happened in the last few months. no, africa didn't turn out as tho i had expected it to. actually, nothing like it. i didn't rescue anyone really... i didn't even learn terribly much about tropical medicine. i did learn quite a bit from observation of the culture and immersion among the people. i guess that's real life for you. all these dreams and schemes can't look like the romantic adventure you thought it would be...except, i didn't think it would be that. i just thought i'd get to practice more medicine. maybe assist in a more involved healing than what was offered to me. definitely thought i'd see at least one birth or surgery.

i guess i did see that circumcision. the one the nurse completed with a sickeningly dull razor blade and pieces of fishing line to tie bits of bleeding flesh together to inhibit some of the bleeding, while i held his slender, but strong three day old thighs still and apart and out of the way.

i suppose if i was true then that one experience would be considered worth all the efforts i went to get to him... except i did go for some other things besides one experience. mmm

and then there's oregon. haha.
it's kind of unbelievable that in their own way each of my two greatest dreams have pulled up short or failed altogether....in less than 4 months. of course of course i have not quit either. i will not retire my desire to serve people, at home and internationally, nor will i hang up my passion for the west coast pines simply because the first time i pursued them i met a fraud and found myself scammed in one form or another. to be very honest, things have not worked out for the best of what i intended, but they have worked out very fine indeed. somehow i am in a better position, as far as finances and flexibility, than i was before.

i'm just not excited about being the windup mouse toy in the middle of the kitchen floor. you wind that sucker up and he goes and he goes. and when he hits a wall, why...he doesn't stop, but only changes directions. and he heads in that forced and newfound direction with all the zeal and focus that had driven him prior. no...somehow i desire more control than that.

but as i've learned in the last few months... perhaps our desires are not meant to be. or at least not at the moment we desire them....or even years later....

honestly, i'm kind of a weakling in 'seeing the big picture' of things. i suppose that's why i feel it's important to often accept things as they come to me and work with them...roll them...knead them...mold them into something that comes natural to you... i think that's sometimes better than going against the grain to fight for something that's not happening. like wanting chocolate cookies when i only have the supplies to make oatmeal in my cupboards. or i suppose i could go to the store at that point...but then i'd get home only to find i forgot milk....why not compromise and use applesauce instead or should i get back out there? the party starts in an hour! ............no oregon is not pushed out of my mind. i'll live there someday. but someday doesn't have to be today. and i'm okay with that. and i don't feel like a quitter either....

actually i'm quite excited about things. about a more settled home for a while... perhaps...some stability...
some getting good at guitar...some growing a garden...some reading...some rest....
but what do you do at times like these?
a lot of times i look for something else to set my eyes on...

not gonna lie, i feel a little burnt...a little nervous to set my eyes on anything too enticing...

but i'm sure my heart will be buzzing soon to long and wait for something sooner than not....

at least once i'd like to feel like i got it together. like i did it right. like i'm exactly where i was meant to be.
without having to convince myself of it...haha
maybe that's something we're all just supposed to believe anyways.
without anything.

just
know