scaredy cat undone?

alone, but not lonely... an empty house, but it's still so warm... it's cold and dark outside, but still crisp, frosted, and bright...there could be something bad outside, but i can't help but be in awe at a night so beautiful with a full moon glowing overhead.. and glitter sprinkled across the sky...

so i used to be scared to death of the dark, not the dark itself...just of what might be lurking around the outskirts of the light awaiting the moment to leap out and...who knows... about a year ago i remember having to call my brother to come home from town (15 minutes away) because i couldn't even get out of my car...so scared i was crying and shaking like a little kid lost in a department store... sad, but so true...

i used to have bad dreams all the time about coyotes or wolves coming out of the woods out behind our house and racing across the feild towards me...i usually was outside in the dark, of course, and the key wouldn't fit the lock until the last minute when i'd fall in the door... sometimes i would be able to get it shut back, but sometimes they forced it open and i'd run to the basement or somewhere...

it didn't help any when i'd hear stories about men breaking into houses and killing the families...or those psychos that lurk around and kidnap people or rape the women and stuff like that... watching cops late at night and world's most wanted crinimals probably wasn't the best thing either...even if it was with my parents...

i remember going to every corner of the house with the lights on searching it out...and then turning all the lights off (so they wouldn't know i was home..so they wouldn't try to come in and kill me...hopefully they'd just come in and steal everything and not realize there's a little girl upstairs...)....and hiding in the furthest corner of my room with a weak flashlight, a phone, and a butcher knife... i'd call random friends...usually my best ones (they'd be more likely to understand rather than a complete stranger)...and get spooked by the slightest creak of the house... yes, i'd cry, my heart would race...

sometimes i would have the audacity to want to watch tv... but that was rare...because anyone standing at the front door could see me and i wouldn't be able to see them...and with all the noise the tv makes i wouldn't be able to hear the killer breaking the lock or sneaking down the stairs...(which made listening to music out of the question as well) but if i did decide to take that risk i would hang anything and everything over all the windows so that they wouldn't be able to see me...however, perhaps it was just me not wanting to see them... i hate being afraid...i hate it i hate it...

my brother and cousins used to jump out from the dark and scare me... one time i got so fed up with it i quit playing with them for a night (that's a big thing when you're only 8 or 9) ... and one time we went down to the woods on a cold wintry night and built a fire... but we heard something in the woods so i climbed a tree with my cousin... and the next morning we went down there and there was a paw print the size of my whole hand on the frozen lake... creepy? yeah...

dude, i was a scaredy cat times fifty... plausible? is there any reason behind all this? shewt heck...i don't have a clue...all i knew is when dusk started hitting and i found myself home alone... i would rather die than put up with the fear that becan creeping into my mind... every noise was the sound of death climbing the steps... thank goodness for Bob who raised his ears to every sound and whimpered into the dark at unconsistent times... so brave, so trustworthy (please sense the sarcasm)

there's good news to all of this sadness... last night i found myself alone at home...yes, darkness crowded all around...a perfect night to be afraid of everything...i was standing in the middle of the kitchen at one point and a flash went off...at first i thought it was a camera flash and i foreal jumped outta my skin and ran, but then i just realized it was lightening...did i cower in my room? no, i went back to what i was doing before...later i went into the store (connected to our house) to look for something and the freaking garage door just started opening all by itself...yeah, i most definitely shot into the house and locked the inbetween door behind me...took a second to pull myself together and calm my nerves, but instead of running to my room, locking the door, and hiding there the rest of the night, i OPENED the middle door, went into the garage, shut the door down and continued my business in the store...crap a monkey.. i'm amazing!

and get this...i'm at home right now... it's dark outside...i'm sitting in the living room with the lights on next to a window that's wide open.. there are some lights on... earlier this night i saw a guy walking away from the house down the driver...i didn't panic...i thought sensibly "oh, he's probably a hunter"...when i had to leave the house i called for my dog outside, but he never came like he usually does, so i had to make the trek from the back door to my car all by myself! ... i was gone for several house...and when i came back i found that i had left the door a little ajar...*oops*.. at any other time i would have lept back into my car and sped away, but what did i do? i walked into the house! i got on my computer! and here i am! i didn't even go around to all corners of the house to make sure nothing or no one came in...

yes, i'm a lil peed off that my brother didn't come home like he said he would after thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents...okay..i'm ticked but i'm not going to tell him...i guess he got a little sidetracked by his girlfriend... i did wait for him for a while... then decided to just go on ahead of him...i presumed that it was a lil silly that i couldn't go home alone...plus i figured he'd be along in a little while, especially since i mentioned that hunter guy to him...and said i really didn't want to spend the night alone tonight... i really didn't feel like having to be a little afraid... but i'm glad i didn't leave the gate open for him...that would have sucked... hmm... it's not so bad... i'm not afraid...i definitely could be if i let that side of my head take over...but seriously...there's nothing to be afraid of... or at least there's no reason to really really worry about it until you have proof....

besides that...even when there is proof...i hope i have enough faith in God that i cry out to Him for safety...He IS the creator and king of everything right? ... you'd think i'd trust Him, huh? ...

i wish i could have stayed in the dorms...this house is my least favorite place to be...especially at night... no, i'm not afraid... it's just so empty, boring, lifeless.... it sucks the life out of me every time i come... but it's HOME... i know it doesn't make sense to you.. doesn't make sense to me either...