regret

regret:
1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

when a child does something bad...for the first time.. or not... and they learn a lesson from it.. are they expected to regret the decision they made to commit that activity?

or

when the prodigal son returned to the father... obviously (after all he'd been through) he learned and better understood the love of his father...so did he regret the decision to leave and squander his inheritance...did he regret the decisions and experiences that led him to this better understanding of it all?

some people say they don't regret decisions they've made on account of the lessons they've learned from them... i think that it's okay and right to regret...to repent...

repent:
1. to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc.
2. to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.
3. to remember or regard with self-reproach or contrition: to repent one's injustice to another.
4. to feel sorry for; regret: to repent an imprudent act.

so ... to regret is to repent...sort of... the similarity would be to feel bad about something you did...the difference is that to regret is only to wish it were different...to repent is feel so bad about it that you decide to change things so that the future will be different.

...yes, there's no reason for those who knew me before to ever trust me again... it's almost like my life before was one big lie... almost... but i know there was truth in it... even tho i messed up, denied it by my lifestyle, and pretty much screwed up my rep with people... God stood true then and stands the same now... His was, is, and will ever be the hope of the world... regardless of my faithfulness...

you know...i suppose i could analyze this away... this overwhelming wave of emotion regarding the Lord and His pursuit of me...i suppose it could be because i might be starting soon... or maybe i'm just trying to be distracted from all the work i should be doing... but oh my Jesus... how did i stay away so long? how could i deny you in so many ways? forgive me...

california day dreams

black rubber and stale bread behind me
fresh air and adventure ahead
i remember when
i first began
my trip to california

packed light, but still fit tight
estrogen high, drove day and night
on my trip to california

i had adventure on my mind
fancy streets filled with dancy people
fine arts and fashion hanging from the sky
new shoes and a glimmering sea
washing the old days away from me..

here i sit looking back to then
writings etched in concrete
words from the tongue
rarely fade away
and workaholic memories
never take a holiday

lacing up my salsa shoes
on feet of legs freshly shaven,
one step, new step, fresh step, more..
I work my way on out the door to..

..sip my cosmo, eat my nachos
and enjoy my conversation
questioning the experiences of the last 21 years
exploring possibilities of the next Two months...

...curiosity forms clouds indoors
comfort lies in satin sheets
two buck Chuck can hit the spot
hunger satisfied by sweets

a window to a starlit heaven
cradled by buildings as i dine
on coffee laced with caramel
and cheesecake smooth as wine
one sweet halted moment away from…

being lost in my black and red summer
morning to midnight, seven to twelve
takin orders and stocking the shelve
clocked into work, yet gone…
thinking of jalepeno nights
and a challenging four in a row
watching the clock
and wondering how
heels turn classy to hoe

i need to stop
this search for meaning in sweetbread
why'm i somehow filled with fried rice at three
maybe not an expensive thing
but plenty enough for me
now…

here I sit looking back to then
wondering when
they'll count the quarters in my till
and realize that I fall short still
no matter how bright my bathroom gleams
there's cracks in the frame of
my California day dreams