surging

i want to live...
i want to laugh...
i want to love.
i want adventure and meaning.
i want fullness.
i want light.
i want to experience new cultures, new faces, new places.
i want to fly.
i want to soar.
i want more.
more sunshine.
more rain.
more purpose.
more gain.
i want to run.
conquer.
climb.
to the highest point of the mountain...
so i can see it all...
the tip of the waterfall...
the darkest part of the cave...
the most savage island...

a slave to adventure and exploration
nothing really to find...
doesn't take much prompting
to leave everything behind...



if i could but capture the wind...
if i could hang to the breeze
i didn't know hearts could sprout wings
damn the ribs, the flesh, that contains these things...

life.

life. it surprises you sometimes. bits and pieces seem like they're straight up out of a movie. you pause and wonder when the sound track is going to start playing. today was like that.

i love my brother.
and it's nice knowing and feeling his love for me.
and honesty is good.

does it ever make sense? is there ever something you're supposed to do...or some line you're supposed to walk... if so, i'm probably miles from the plan... and tasks from the goal........

just me

oh and my mom :)

self-addiction....

it's funny how...when you realize or decide to accept that the world isn't a movie about you....it becomes a little easier to love people....

i think i love myself too much...

i may or may not explain myself later....

regret

regret:
1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

when a child does something bad...for the first time.. or not... and they learn a lesson from it.. are they expected to regret the decision they made to commit that activity?

or

when the prodigal son returned to the father... obviously (after all he'd been through) he learned and better understood the love of his father...so did he regret the decision to leave and squander his inheritance...did he regret the decisions and experiences that led him to this better understanding of it all?

some people say they don't regret decisions they've made on account of the lessons they've learned from them... i think that it's okay and right to regret...to repent...

repent:
1. to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc.
2. to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.
3. to remember or regard with self-reproach or contrition: to repent one's injustice to another.
4. to feel sorry for; regret: to repent an imprudent act.

so ... to regret is to repent...sort of... the similarity would be to feel bad about something you did...the difference is that to regret is only to wish it were different...to repent is feel so bad about it that you decide to change things so that the future will be different.

...yes, there's no reason for those who knew me before to ever trust me again... it's almost like my life before was one big lie... almost... but i know there was truth in it... even tho i messed up, denied it by my lifestyle, and pretty much screwed up my rep with people... God stood true then and stands the same now... His was, is, and will ever be the hope of the world... regardless of my faithfulness...

you know...i suppose i could analyze this away... this overwhelming wave of emotion regarding the Lord and His pursuit of me...i suppose it could be because i might be starting soon... or maybe i'm just trying to be distracted from all the work i should be doing... but oh my Jesus... how did i stay away so long? how could i deny you in so many ways? forgive me...