summer vacancy

how shallow can i become?
i used to have such beautiful depth
pure sweet secrets
enclosed in a heart of pearl
a heart of flesh
and now
cobwebs catch from
stone's edge to stone's edge
and shadows fill the void

white water

... i suppose eventually after being caught in a whirl pool for so long, you eventually lose sight of which way is really up...it's possibly the most exhausting thing ever....sometimes tho...seems like i hit a sand bar and i can actually bring my face above the water to breathe for a moment...i can stand...i could walk away if i wanted to fight the strength of the current... but i let the pull take control of me... i disappear again into the white caps of confusion...

fresh

i guess it's time to start with a clean slate...can i do that? ...will society forgive me? will people take me for who i am...or will they only recognize who i was? i guess to some i'll have to prove myself (if that's what i want to focus on) ...and others will decide to take me for who i am, who i can be... and not what i've done... those are the ones i plan to stick to...

the air seems so fresh out here... perhaps because i haven't polluted it...perhaps because God's showing me i can have a second chance at things... i'm thankful... thanks, Lord...

geez...have things changed..i've been through hell and back...that's what it seems..and mostly by choice...I am learning that a great amount of passivity early on in a situation has led me to a year or two of indecisiveness and lack of confidence in my opinions, passions, and conscience. I have made enough mistakes for a lifetime.... I have let my Godly passions fly out the window, along with my goals and my standards for life. I have broken promises, held back the truth, and ignored everything except the dark whirlwind of guilt and shame. I saw nothing but clouds before my eyes and felt nothing but momentary satisfactions followed by instantaneous lack of hope.

and now i've separated myself from situations that had me bound...yet still i suffer from the consequences of my sinful, selfish behavior...however, i'm licking my wounds in a way.. the film around me is slowly wearing thin... freedom is at my fingertips...forgiveness at my door... the light of hope returning to the heart of darkness....

will i ever be the girl i used to be?