anxiety

i feel so embarrassed about how i'm living. in this nice apartment, stocked crazy full of food, with all the comforts and amenities one could want... i can't explain my feelings the other night when i handed over my card to purchase the unending pile of groceries...things we "needed." defeat set in...tears welled up in my eyes...it was unbearable...i felt like i was handing over my soul to the devil of consumption and comfort. the only thing that helped me go with it was the understanding that we wouldn't be shopping for at least a month, maybe two...and yet there on our fridge one day later is a gradually increasing list of more "needed" supplies because "variety is good" and we're striving for "efficiency."

dear God...give me understanding. this isn't what i've been waiting for. this isn't the position that i worked for in the last 2 years.

i realize we're being very generous with it... opening our home to friends and feeding them endlessly...i really enjoy the people...the sharing...

why am i not okay with it? i'm so anxious and unsatisfied....

i think i'd rather be the poor woman who gives everything than the rich man who gives a fraction....

the other day in the coffee shop i was sitting and talkin to God and being really restless and unsettled. finally He got my attention and asked, "Theresa, what if you're exactly where I want you...?"

i just don't know how to feel a peace about being in this land/path of comfort...this land of overflow.... i don't even know any strangers to give to...or any widows and orphans....not directly anyway....

and besides that....i still miss him... not anything in that one month...but the conversations...the talks... the equal thirst for more... ..........i don't know what to do, Lord....

Lord, help me be obedient...open my eyes.... open my ears....
i know i need to rest in you....to shush and listen....the peace is in the righteousness, yeah? the hope is in you....the truth is in your word.... would you lead me? i really want your best...

autumn winds'a blowin...

it's fall... i guess i've been here around a month and a half now... i've met a lot of cool people...and i think i've made a bit of a community here.... i feel more whole than i used to....i feel more hopeful... a hunger for God and knowing Him has grown in me...i just want His best.

hospital work is decent. i get to touch people, help people, give shots, and start IVs.... all the while making pretty killer cash....a quarter of which i've been trying to give away. (it's hard deciding where i should give...there's so many options).... ...it's real easy to get caught up in the work that needs to be done and miss out on hearing the patient's heart, but i think the more familiar i get with the movement of the hospital it will come easier.

there's still a bit of unrest... of wondering where i belong... i feel the time is coming...and soon.... but the time for what? .... i want to be ready....

if i stay broken
does he become the whole?
if i stay bruised
is he the only healing?
am i meant to be healed to stand alone?
or are brokenness and bruising a permanent state so that i'll always see my need for him?

i still miss him....