backspace

So... life doesn't have a rewind button. no backspace. no redoes. what was WAS. and what is IS...and then you get to spend the rest of your life making sense of those things that were. (Some people, I feel, are better at this)

There are plenty of options on how to deal with our pasts. One is to rehash the moments, analyze, make a decision, put the bottle cap back on and recycle that moment in hopes of continuing to make choices that lead to such memories....or you make goals to make some wiser thought processes in the future.

Another is to spend hours on your pillow with thoughts trailing through your mind like an ant farm: what if? if only? shit!!

Then there are those things that happen that are out of our control. The only thing we can really manage at this point are our reactions. We can be positive or we can be negative. We can be torn apart and stay that way or we can hurt and heal. We can be obsessed with the other possibilities or we can learn and grow.

What has happened in the last stages of my life have been quite extraordinary. For the most part, I have accepted what occasions came about and have high hopes for my future. For other parts, I suppose there will always be maybe one "if only" or "i wish" or "why?!" lurking about in my shadows.

I caught a glimpse tonight when I found myself saying,

"I wish I could go back and change this"

I'm not sure that I meant that.

The explorer, adventurer, pursuer in me of course meant it. A part of me is always aching for more.

But I've learned so much in the last five months where I find myself. I've learned to accept things for what they were...accept me for what I am...accept it and embrace it. Kiss it on the mouth and love it. And I've felt safe....and secure...and well taken care of. I feel like this is an avenue of life I might not get to walk down very often. I've been blessed in getting to take the time to nurture my interests (quilting, biking, climbing, writing, reading, etc), spend time with my friends and family, and just BE.........i've been blessed in learning that it's okay to just BE.... and in 'being'...in soaking up your surroundings and meditating on truths and on your heart and in absorbing and acknowledging the life that exists around you: there is so much to learn, so much to feel, so much to embrace. I'm just so thankful to get to rest here a while.

Thank you.