fcuk

You know what…

I owe my mom a lot of money

I’ve usually paid it off in a month..

And I’m inlove with this guy

And 3 days is enough to make me explode

All those pent up emotions

from the days my dad failed

to the days of now

fuck

sowhat, you feel the same

act like it

and im emptying out what I have

to meet you somewhere

 between there and now

I calm the fuck down

To meet you somethere

And know I want to. 

Gah!

I think I'm blind, deaf, and dumb when it comes to men:

Poem

In light of this new eve

The end of autumn's breeze

Torn from a resting place

Brought to this empty space

Shattered yet strong and new

Eager for life to brew

Must I break mourn so soon

To crumble after a silver moon 

And amidst this winter chill

Can warmth be found still

Warmth, pure, kind and sweet

A shelter from this frozen seat

Stop trying

Stop dying

Rest in the quiet places

Build up those safer spaces

Hide within the good and gold

Seek out the pure and bold

Give in

Give in to the good

Oh lord, what's happened?

It's gone.. The last 11 months... Gone like they never came. Did it happen? Did I really meet some random guy (not so random) in a bar and somehow it worked for 8 months?  Did I really have so many romantic and fun weekend adventures in Baltimore with her glittering soil, Delaware the sea I never saw, and Virginia hiking and such glorious weddings!? Did I meet a sweet black and brown dog named Thomas Jefferson and a grey cat named something equivalent to Pretty Mister Shiny Rainbow Sparkles "Bo" for short? I miss them!! 

I mean.. Unless they were dreams... These sweet remembrances that have me missing the fun of them sometimes..the sweetness..those warm hugs and the purest kisses...

Gah!

I'm 9 months to the end of my 2 years of ER experience and obtaining my BSN. What will I do? Well.. Today while cycling on a stationary bike with a computer screen in front of me and a coastal highway scene moving along on my imaginary ride I started lusting after Oregon...

WILL SHE EVER GIVE THAT UP?!?

...likely not. 

And so... Who knows. Who knows what.

I need to stop buying clothes tho that's for damn sure. No need for pretty dresses without any handsome man to take you to weddings and fancy dinners. *sniff*

And so the adventures continue!!!

Knocked up

Getting knocked up seems like an easy way out...

BOOM! This is your life...now, deal!

Surprise! Little child to live for and worship. No more deciding what to do with yourself, you take care of the kid the best you know how.

Best case scenario, you get a guy who grows up and commits to both of you and you live out the rest of your life in this cute haphazardly becoming family.

Some positive hiccup of the cosmos that creates a beautiful life (you know any babies I have will be beautiful) whilst drawing out plans for the next 18 years of my life.

I don't know why I find this option of not having to make decisions about what to do next appealing. (Of course I know you still have to plan for things with a kid!!!) i think the allure is that it'd all be for someone else by then.

Duh! Take care of the kid!
Duh! Don't buy that, feed it!
Duh! Don't run around, stay here!

Don't worry, I'm not going to go getting myself knocked up.
I don't want to be attached to much more than my food and family at the moment.
Much less, a crying infant who needs me and a man who sends checks of 20$ to cover the child support. Some dip shit who can't keep a job, most likely...

I guess I'll have to keep making plans. Keep deciding what I, alone, want for my life. Keep thinking only of me, my friends, and family when I make these life choices... Like what dress looks best and where I want to travel next and what schooling I want to devour.

Enjoy the freedom while it lasts, my dear!
Not many ladies have experienced this life.

Oh lo nilly

Lo nilly, found in night
Left solo, echo my fright
Through empty space
Tinkling wine, bring grace
Dry, heavy, holding my own
Dreams tangled from the sown
To what is known

You are behind, my future
You are behind, my past
Leisure holds only so much luxury
Until life leaps and I grasp

Oh lo nilly, if only you were warm
I'd curl in your arms and be born
Growth comes from dark and deep
Bury me and may all clouds weep
So I might find life and live
The dreams I knew I'd always live

Night

oh night I swam in perfect stream
in jungles cast with starlit sheen
sky diamonds and fireflies to blame
i'll never be the same

a second hold, a kiss over sea
crimson and gold cast glows on we
then off that cliff i leapt and flew
straight to those open arms you threw

sweet summer heat, dive into blue
the waves, the warmth, enough of you
tangled in the strength, the sway
an ocean fought and pulled me away

vincent van gone my starry night
this clumsy heart, this foolish sight
might my heart shake off night's dew
and awaken to this mourn apart from you