Tuesday, October 19, 2004

what's 'beautiful' anyway?

the purpose of this entry begins sunday (maybe saturday) afternoon.... like i said in my previous entry, i'm a pretty casual dresser, however, this weekend i've had a slight change of style and i guess it caught people a little off guard. my normally straight unkempt hair transformed into shirley temple curls...i traded in my everyday t-shirt for a somewhat fitting black top with a shimmery, lacy tube top looking thing underneath... my baggy ill-fitting boy pants were disgarded for some nice dark-grey dress pants...and my scrappy, brown flipflops were replaced with knee-high boots with 3-inch heels... not to mention i even used a little more make-up than usual...
well, the comments i received deemed the new attire pretty acceptable... yes, i think i recieved more compliments in the last two days than i have in my entire life altogether... for instance, yesterday, while attending a very good friend's ordination service, i found from a reliable source that i was noticed and questioned about by more than one person of the opposite gender (4!).... i still am not positive how that makes me feel. i just don't understand why they'd ask about me... ...hmm...i like it that nobody hit on me or tried to 'pick me up'... or anything like that... just asked about me... kind of sweet... really encouraging too.... except for the fact that nobody(that i know of) has ever asked about me when i'm dressed in my baggy pants and loose t-shirts... can't i be beautiful in those things too?
hmm... maybe the whole world doesn't see simply your looks... tonight, as i was walking down the road having a little bit of a conversation with God, a friend pulled up and we spoke for a sec, but then he said, "has anyone ever told you you're beautiful? ...i just wanted to leave you with that." and then he sped away... it was completely unexpected...i was wearing some baggy, ski-looking pants and a sweatshirt...i'd been walking for a while and it was drizzly so my hair was just a tad out of sorts... how can i be beautiful in those things too? i had tears in my eyes when i thought about it right afterwards...why? (besides the fact that it was unbelievably sweet and surprising) i really can't see what other people see... i mean...i wouldn't call myself ugly, but can i call myself beautiful....? hmm.. it doesn't matter so much i guess...it shouldn't .. maybe i really don't understand what beautiful is anyway... the world measures it by your outward appearance and the Lord measures it by your heart and christians have messed with it until it's something in between.... i wonder if my heart is beautiful to God?... so often i find myself accidently wishing He would tell me i'm physcially beautiful, and He whispers, "silly girl, your outward appearance has no affect on the way i see you... it's your heart i'm after... i'm in love with your heart.." it just seems even christians have bought into the lie that you have to look and dress a certain way to be accepted... and in doing so they only accept people that look the part... ugh.. i really do struggle sometimes with identifying who i am with what i look like even though i know they really have no comparison...*sigh* the thought processes of the modern christian woman deal so often with sifting out the images the world has attempted to label her with...and replacing them with the thoughts Christ has of her.... oh, the satisfaction that comes in realizing what God Almighty looks at you and sees.... i am the most beautiful, intricate, uniquely designed creation which He knows by name and calls upon to hear His voice and do His works... stotrum stotrum for He is good and awesome, and the Lover of my soul... ...and when He looks at me, my heart is all He sees...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"God's not impressed with what you do, He's impressed with who you are." Cutting words, at least for me. It's funny. No really. I pray that God gives you the gift of being able to laugh at yourself. Anyway....

"Whatever it takes, they will give
Breaking the rules
Shaking the mediocrity from it's cozy little hide
Laying down thier rights and thier precious little
wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials
The advertisers cannot mould them
Hollywood cannot hold them
Peer pressure is powerless to shake their resolve
at late night parties before the cockerel cries
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive
On the outside?
They hardly care
They wear clothes like a costume
to communicate and celebrate but never to hide
Would they surrender their image or popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap
seats with a man on death row- a throne for an electric chair
With blood sweat and many tears,with
sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray
as if it all depends on God and live as if it all
depends on them."
(From the vision, RMR)

I guess this could kinda come off as advice but it's more a commentary than anything. What i mean to say is that i don't think you are unaware of these things but i like talking so there you go.

I heard a girl ask once: "When are guys gonna stop looking at my boobs?"
I said "Whenever you decide to cover them up."

Cute....but she has been wearing a lot of sweaters lately.

Oh and you are beautiful and Jesus says hi.