i miss...

today went really good...i learned so much... and everyone was so nice and great... and i think i'm gonna be okay and make an awesome nurse....

and now i'm crying because i miss my friends... and i don't want new ones... and i don't want everything to change all at once... and they're having fun without me... and i want them to spend the rest of their lives missing me.... not forgetting me and moving on without me...

...and i wonder if this is why i let friendships die when i move on...because it's too hard not to be missed...it's too hard to watch yourself get replaced...

i miss him.

things change

i guess we're friends... friends who like each other... beats me.

i keep wondering if i said enough... maybe i should have told him how crazy i was/am about him.. maybe i made him think i didn't think so much about him... but them i'm thinking...uhhh... he definitely had enough clues to know that if he wanted me..all he had to do was ask me to wait...and i'd wait til the world burned over... it's going to be odd getting over this one... but maybe not so hard... he didn't want me...or at least he wasn't ready for me... plain and simple. go on. live life. maybe one day he'll realize...but maybe not. ...i just thought we fit. we still fit. ...unfortunately it's not up to me.

i guess i have things to focus on...work...and the Lord. i want to learn what community is. i want to learn how the Lord wants me to live. maybe there isn't a specific way we're supposed to live...but i want to know where i, my being, my soul, would thrive, would grow, would develop most erratically.... i want to know the Lord... i want to know how to love people...i want to know the best way to use my position and possessions to display God's love...i want to change the world's way of thinking from that of hate to love, self-sustaining to sharing...i want to change my way of thinking too.... i think a lot of healing is going to have to take place... i think there are things i need to deal with before i'm ready for much else.... i think i need to learn how to deal with things.... i really wanna be whole...

new

i'm canceling all my RN-BSN classes... i'm scared i'm not gonna use my time wisely...

i wanna

greensleeves

he's getting married today...




...there's no way to include the silence in this...the weird vast empty silence...

and it looks like old dream-come-true is ending too soon for me... it's funny... i thought this was it... but here i am singing blue moon all over again only a month later...

it's kind of incredible how small i feel...
how unconnected and unable-to-control i feel...
how life has this course that i'm only able to join in on if i'm able to hang on and ride it out...

help me hang Lord...

day dream...

it all seems so poetic...
sitting here in this little street corner cafe sipping a sweet mocha while i tap away at my computer watching cars and people pass the windows...the steam rolling from my drink and the music buzzing from the ceiling... i'm a nurse working at a major hospital and soon volunteering part time in this small town while going to school part time furthering my education... it has a strong allure of romance and mystery... a calm story which romance will upset and tragedy would displace... i imagine i'm the lady sitting outside and this is my break from my kids..sitting there with my newspaper and coffee.... i imagine i'm a part of the couple in the corner whose friendship is budding into love...i imagine i'm the student i am, the nurse i am trying to find peace in the turmoil, in the storm....i imagine what it looks like from the outside in.... mine is a story in its own... and i wonder where this novel is heading... i could write it myself... a fabulous doctor; creative, intelligent, and strong... falls in love with the selfless, passionate nurse who asks the patient as much about their families and hopes as their medical history and illnesses....they get married right away, finish school, and go about volunteering to help and love people for the rest of their lives.. it would go on with crazy stories about giving away houses and half of their incomes and adopting babies from all over the world... but then i come back to this place...where my coffee is getting cold and my paper is due on tuesday and work starts in 12 hours... and i have to ask the Lord to protect me from those things i think i want and lead me in the way where my ultimate story will have the opportunity to be played out....

organized

i don't feel like i am...i'm sure i'm not...i'm sure i'm missing things...
it's difficult trying to balance the new schedule of a proper job and the importance of it with the new schedule of ongoing studies and the importance of it....
...it's definitely new being here..don't know if it's hit me yet..i don't know that it matters too much..that i'm not at home... i'll eventually miss the family...they understand... life happens...life moves people...but i'm too busy to think about it too much...
...except for him...what am i supposed to think about him?
a part of me wants to forget it...probably all the stress...probably all the change...probably the indecision...
...i hate being a difficult option...i want to be a desired preference... i want to be chosen without having to convince... i want to be the easy one to love... the easy one to commit to... i want to be a "what i've been waiting for," not a "that'll do..." i want to be a blessing, not an obligation...
i wonder where my heart should be?
probably not so deeply hopeful for a forever outcome there.. probably should be more set on finding my place here.. my purpose... Lord, lead me....