no sign

this letter of invitation still hasn't come.
the cameroon embassy won't answer their phones, much less call me back to answer my questions.
and i need to tell my boss that i'm leaving...my one-month notice...without assurance of this all working out....
one of my friends and i made a deal that if we're not married by 30 than we'd marry eachother... he's a little wild like i am...
so at least there's hope for something...haha...jokes.
i feel...separate from the issue of the letter not showing up. i feel...like it is my duty to be concerned about it due to the circumstance rather than because i actually feel concerned about it.
i feel like waiting. knowing. what is supposed to be will be so long as i do everything that is in my responsibility or control to do. so long as i do my part.
when i think about africa... i feel peace.
a peace whose loudness is greater than the roar of uncertainty, instability, and disconcertion i feel here.
i've questioned whether or not someone could label my actions as 'running'...from discontentment or the inability to live up to my own standards ....because honestly i can't get things straight here. i mess up brutally, hideously, horrendously. ...and you've heard it...if you can't be content here then you won't experience it there. If you can't live right here, you can't there.
But there's a dream...a reality...a drawing of my heart...to this. to this going the distance. this being the message. this living it out. this losing/giving of myself...
maybe i'll get there and i'll realize it was only a romantic fantasy. maybe i'll find that life there is like life here. maybe i'll find myself tired, empty, and void of response to the brokenness around me. maybe they won't need me or want me either.
...but maybe i will become alive. maybe i will find a purpose worthy of living. maybe i will realize my potential. maybe i will find what love is. maybe i will see jesus and he will be able to save me there.
here i have everything and more to numb me. to forget the experience. to become blind and/or to hide from him.
and i want to be raw. raw enough to love and be real...
i want to see. see truth and lies for what they are...
and i want to feel. feel love...

i'm not going to find a fix. i'm going... to live out what i know is right. "For me, an area of moral clarity is: you're in front of someone who's suffering and you have the tools at your disposal to alleviate that suffering or even eradicate it, and you act. " (paul farmer) ....i know no other way to have peace and become strong than to act out according to the things i feel the strongest for.