to oregon

my dreamland...

with her broad blue sky laced upon the outskirts with fir trees, yellow fields and mountains. where vibrant flowers flourish and rich sweet berries are merely a step away....

her coast, though drizzly and dark, still contains such powerful beauty and strength. i'm overcome with the silent roar of ocean that settles upon me, sweeps around me, drowns out my ideas of what could possibly be beyond it. her coolness pricks my ankles while her distance only grows as i look upon her.

it's odd that i feel so much for a place that is merely a place. people live and grow plants and ride bikes and have their hearts broken and mended and they die... just like anywhere. at times i wonder if my warmth for oregon and the west is merely a fancy birthed from the sweet memories of my youth. perhaps merely a serving of wanderlusting or wanting to be where i am not. you know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side."

i have accepted that, should i ever again get to call her soil my own, life will not magically become all i could have ever hoped and dreamt for. i have accepted that oregon is not where i will have the supernatural revelation of what my purpose is in the world. i have understood that by merely implanting my being into her lush gardens my heart will not suddenly become whole.

those battles take place in the heart, in the space and energies of life around you, in the moment you find yourself in. now.

but i still love her.

dear world...

perhaps i should be happy with having a consistent life. i do love my apartment. with my lopsided hardwood floors and pretty curtain in the bedroom/living room. i love my red sheets on my queen loft bed. i love my photographs and colorful lamps...and even the kitchen, with it's fancy countertop, unleveled refrigerator and studio lighting. i really enjoy riding my teal nashiki bicycle to my amateur garden. i enjoy going to the coffee shops or parks to read and sip the goodness (even if the baristas look at my funny when i order extra shots of caffeine and caramel). i love living on my own, washing my own dishes...those antique carnival glasses i got from the peddler's mall...and the brown tinted glass dish-ware i guiltily purchased from evil wal*mart. waking up to some angus&julia stone early in the morning and sitting in my green cushy love seat next to my brown book-filled shelves covered in blankets given to me by my family and confiscated from south african airlines. i really love all of this. those things.

i'm an hour and a half from my family...the best family. ...the best of friends are only a phone call away. i have a great job...i have very interesting people around me. some who would have more to do with my life if i let them in...some who i'd love to let them have more to do with my life...maybe...

who could do this their whole life? haha...lots of people. most people.

most people stay in one place... they do this. this consistent life.

perhaps i'm absurd for wanting to move. to travel. to explore. is that what i want?
i feel....sad...thinking my nomadism could separate me from the friendships i've formed. people can't rely on someone so inconsistent, can they?

i've been thinking of studying more...getting into an RN-BSN program. ....not exactly at the top of my list, but i figured now was the time...i have perfect opportunity to study more....it would really encourage a stable life...at least for a year anyways.

why not?
i'm just not sure it's exactly what's right for me. it makes sense, but....

...i suppose the things right now on my heart...the things i think about often...are:
1. Oregon...oh, oregon....
2. London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine: Tropical Nursing Diploma Program...i've always wanted to study abroad.
3. learning medical spanish in South America.
4. Primitive Camping... would love a long trip.
5. Cycling...longer distances than around town

I think those are some of my main interests....4 and 5 can be involved in any of those first 3 really...

how can i make this happen?
my contract is up sept 15th. ...save money until then.
i could take a month off to go to volunteer in Chile or some other place of need...(or not)
I could come back and do travel nursing in Oregon or Cali until February of 2011...then go to London for 4 months to study abroad.

this sounds so much more exciting than studying for a degree i'm not sure i care about in a place i love but am not entirely eager to remain in.

the big catch:
probably an ironic, silly one:
probably He's laughing at me....but...
would GOD rather have me stay here to learn something about consistency, stability, LIFE.....?
or would HE support me to run wild, chase ideas down, and live precariously...?

hmmm....

hahaha...hopeless.

big day.

today....
woke up at around 830....am.
planned a bike route.
rode to my garden.
watered my garden.
rode my bike via bike-route-out-of-my-ass (a.k.a. not according to plan)
stopped in fancy neighborhood to photograph the flowering trees.
stopped at sign saying "book store open to public" at an opening in an ugly warehouse building.
didn't have cash, so continued biking.
returned to my garden.
took photos of my new sprouts towering ~0.5cm above the earth's surface.
rode home.
cooked lunch for david and i.
went to babysit miracle and felix for the brown's.
changed more diapers in two hours than i have collectively in six years.
rode home.
surfed the internet/caught up with some friends/etc.
went to the coffee shop.
read more of "Anna Karenina"
spoke with ex-coffee house crush.
rode home.
watched two romantic comedies.
the end.


it's kind of weird how so many of the things going on in my life point back to relationships. Leo Tolstoy's book...marriage, attempt of marriage, fucking marriage up.... last night david brought up relationships and wanted my input about them... well, of course watching two romantic comedies gets you thinking about relationships as well...