i knew her once... i'm convinced...
but now...she's not so familiar to me
her eyes aren't my eyes, they're empty...
her head swings low: dejected, defeated...
she's blown about by mere breezes
her mind swims and focus for her is impossible
she speaks dreams, but there's no pursuit for them
she believes in lies and ignores the truth...
so quick to conform...
so soon to let up....
knocked down by an ant's whisper
no life or passion...just existance
she's no relation to mine...
i don't know her...
i don't want her near me...
but still she clings...
Friday, December 10, 2004
Monday, December 06, 2004
green eyes
hmm... i really like this song..
i think they're singing about me...ahem...
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand
That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I?ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you
Green eyes
Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know
That green eyes, you?re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind
Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you
Green eyes
Green eyes
Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
- coldplay
i think they're singing about me...ahem...
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand
That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I?ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you
Green eyes
Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know
That green eyes, you?re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind
Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you
Green eyes
Green eyes
Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
- coldplay
Sunday, December 05, 2004
choose christ
hmm... joshua 24:14-15:
really what kind of a decision is this? when we take into consideration all aspects of both sides only the insane and ignorant would not choose Him... how can we keep from raising our hands and bowing our knees to Him only? ...really! what has this world to offer... ugh.. heartbreak, frustrations, deception, and pain... when looking at the opposing arguments there's no decision to be made... the obvious stands clear and strong....
so why do we struggle so much in throwing off the world and dressing up in the shining armor of the Lord...we are found knowing the truth, yet we continue to be led astray...our visions are continually blurred and distorted...for a breif moment you may have focus and then suddenly in pulsating instances you can't see what your eyes were so tightly fastened upon only a moment before...the fog rolls in and in order to focus on our goals we have to sometimes merely look beyond the blockades into the deepest parts of our hearts...and grip that thought as though our very lives depend on it... (which they do)
i bet if we caught a mere glimpse of the pure reality of God we'd take off with a passion and fervor that blew the pants off of everyone that we met... i can't imagine what i'd be if i completely and totally let God have His way with me...
ah, Lord! there's nothing that compares to Your goodness... forgive this ongoing struggle of a rollercoaster life... i ache inside to do something eternal with my life... help me grab hold of the ordinary things and raise them up as some of the finest riches to You...
"Now therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in the sincerity and in truth,
and put away the gods which your fathers served
on the other side of the River and in Egypt.
Serve the Lord! And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord,
choose for yourself this day whom you will serve,
whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River,
or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.
but as for me and my house,
we will serve the Lord."
and put away the gods which your fathers served
on the other side of the River and in Egypt.
Serve the Lord! And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord,
choose for yourself this day whom you will serve,
whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River,
or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.
but as for me and my house,
we will serve the Lord."
really what kind of a decision is this? when we take into consideration all aspects of both sides only the insane and ignorant would not choose Him... how can we keep from raising our hands and bowing our knees to Him only? ...really! what has this world to offer... ugh.. heartbreak, frustrations, deception, and pain... when looking at the opposing arguments there's no decision to be made... the obvious stands clear and strong....
so why do we struggle so much in throwing off the world and dressing up in the shining armor of the Lord...we are found knowing the truth, yet we continue to be led astray...our visions are continually blurred and distorted...for a breif moment you may have focus and then suddenly in pulsating instances you can't see what your eyes were so tightly fastened upon only a moment before...the fog rolls in and in order to focus on our goals we have to sometimes merely look beyond the blockades into the deepest parts of our hearts...and grip that thought as though our very lives depend on it... (which they do)
i bet if we caught a mere glimpse of the pure reality of God we'd take off with a passion and fervor that blew the pants off of everyone that we met... i can't imagine what i'd be if i completely and totally let God have His way with me...
ah, Lord! there's nothing that compares to Your goodness... forgive this ongoing struggle of a rollercoaster life... i ache inside to do something eternal with my life... help me grab hold of the ordinary things and raise them up as some of the finest riches to You...
Saturday, December 04, 2004
one moment
not even a tick in the infinity of time... barely a speck in the vastness of the cosmos... who's to know what limits there are? no limits, but what kind of a dent would i be able to make in a world so....so enormous there's no words to describe that never-ending expanse of creation. so the world doesn't depend on me... supposedly a relief. but i stand in awe, speechless...my feelings unbeknownst to me... it's like someone took a close up photograph of a moment in campbellsville...a moment frozen in time... vivid flashbacks of india...a random slideshow of the activity of life all over the world... realizing we're like bacterium on a grain of sand lost in the ocean... standing silent as steam escapes through my lips, i wonder... can one put their finger on eternity? is it possible to fathom the idea of forever?
a night like this has surely been replicated through time...i'm sure at one point there was someonel similar to me, who walked a path similar to this, and contemplated life in a way similar to the way i am now...and i'm sure after me there'll be another someone to do the same... i hope somewhere someone else is currently having similar contemplations...appreciating God's creation by admiring it's simplicity, while wondering at the intricacy of it all...
no, i don't understand the depth of creation... you don't have to see a shooting star in order to be amazed by the wonder of the sky... the mountains don't have to shout in order for you to be humbled by their greatness... sitting silent in a swing on a chilly day, bathing in the warmth of the son... words are inadequate, useless... creation calls me to sit and linger for a time... quiet whispers of assurance... visions of life sweep across my mind's eye... all thoughts vanish and i'm left to consume the simple beauty of the sun... the blueness of the skies...the leaves dancing with the breeze to nature's own song ... temptation to dose on account of the rhythmic melody of motion to and fro... to and fro... i'll have to awake from this subconscious slumber at some point... but what's one more moment in the span of eternity?
a night like this has surely been replicated through time...i'm sure at one point there was someonel similar to me, who walked a path similar to this, and contemplated life in a way similar to the way i am now...and i'm sure after me there'll be another someone to do the same... i hope somewhere someone else is currently having similar contemplations...appreciating God's creation by admiring it's simplicity, while wondering at the intricacy of it all...
no, i don't understand the depth of creation... you don't have to see a shooting star in order to be amazed by the wonder of the sky... the mountains don't have to shout in order for you to be humbled by their greatness... sitting silent in a swing on a chilly day, bathing in the warmth of the son... words are inadequate, useless... creation calls me to sit and linger for a time... quiet whispers of assurance... visions of life sweep across my mind's eye... all thoughts vanish and i'm left to consume the simple beauty of the sun... the blueness of the skies...the leaves dancing with the breeze to nature's own song ... temptation to dose on account of the rhythmic melody of motion to and fro... to and fro... i'll have to awake from this subconscious slumber at some point... but what's one more moment in the span of eternity?
instead of writing my paper
so i should be writing a paper analyzing the differences between christians and non-christians... it's something i should have been doing all night, yet still i continue to deny it's calling and fill my life with things that are seemingly more important. Perhaps in truth their importance has been merely momentarily and that time could have been better spent, however, i haven't regretted anything yet... except maybe wasting away at the computer... hmm... but BESIDES that... no, i wouldn't take anything back...
..for instance, a run to arby's when it's already after midnight... i'm entitled to watch and listen as a conversation unfolds between the rest of my group. so i didn't understand a word that they were saying and hadn't watched a movie they were talking about, but listening to them laugh... who would trade that for writing a paper?
...and on to wal*mart where adventerous roaming led to an announcement that echoed throughout the store: "chshekk...security cameras for toys...chsheekkk" ...same message only disguised in management lingo... like we didn't know it was about us... so we meandered away from toys, played a round of foozeball, and attempted a game of hide-n-go seek.. unfortunately...
NOTE: when rules of a game are changed on account of a new location... be sure to enlighten all players... especially newbies...to ensure fair and equal involvement...
so..more quality time...who would trade that for typing a paper?
and today...i slept in...ran a mile and proceeded to cleanse myself, dress myself, and braid my hair...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
of course..braiding my hair made me a little late for class (35 minutes)...and as i approached the door i realized we had a guest speaker and, being so polite, i decided it would be best if i didn't enter... but instead of going back to the dorms to maybe type my paper...i looked out the window for a bit... it was really a beautiful day out... i thought about calling my roommate to go swing in the park... but i sat there... it became one of those days, not lazy, but daydreamy... i could have sat there forever probably... staring out into the sunshiny day... i actually was wanting to go play, but no playmate at the time to join me... of course, i'm not afraid to go play by myself... but i was definitely in the mood for a friend...but just as i was about to head out... a janitor lady asked me if i was having a good day... (i'm curious as to what expression on my face led her to wonder) so i talked to her a bit... she goes to church close to my home... and has been working here since march....wishes college students picked up after themselves a little better, but loves them anyway... then some friends came around the corners and i think they scared the janitor lady...so we said our farewells "it was nice meeting you"..and away she went... i jumped head first into socialization (if it's a word)... however, it seems that the longer i spend in solitude the harder it is to stay focused when i first come out of it... or maybe there were just too many people in there at a time... who knows... then my class let out and there were more people...always a joy.....so i mingled...and mingled...until 3:30 rolls around and finally i escaped only to go to um..the place above the lunchroom...laugh if you will, but i walked in merely looking for more people to talk to...so i talked to them... and then as i was leaving i found that a friend was leaving at the same time as i...so i decided to walk with her...all the way to big b...and back by myself...and i stopped again just as i reached campus to chat it up with another friend... and finally i escaped again... into the stillness of my room... i cuddled up with my roommate as she read a book...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
we went to dinner at the usual time.. 5:40.... more people...back to the room... off to a concert...not so many people... but let's just say i was reminded of the joy that comes from the christmas season... carols like silver bells soak the air and each note hydrates the soul...ugh...i love it... i could close my eyes and see the stillness of the crisp, clear night... a cloud rises with each breath...and snow flakes falling ever so gently as the tune just hovers in the silence... made me want to go for a walk... so i did...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
i walked and sang and sang and walked and enjoyed the chill of winter bundled in my oversized winter coat, scratchy striped scarf, and warm soft gloves... i was actually quite cozy believe it or not... it's not exactly my favorite thing to do...walk circles around campus...i'd much rather walk down streets or through the park or something of the sorts, however...hmm... probably wouldn't be the wisest of all decisions... oh well...i enjoy my campus mile walks well enough... ...well enough to participate in them instead of writing a paper... ha...
and now here i am...writing about all the things that keep me from writing my paper... ironic? hmm... perhaps just a result of what happens when a writer isn't confident in their material.... procrastination...slacking off... call it what you will... but i've enjoyed spending my time elsewhere than at a computer desk typing a formal, stiff necked paper...
i'd much rather babble on about what i've done in a day....so i did...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
..for instance, a run to arby's when it's already after midnight... i'm entitled to watch and listen as a conversation unfolds between the rest of my group. so i didn't understand a word that they were saying and hadn't watched a movie they were talking about, but listening to them laugh... who would trade that for writing a paper?
...and on to wal*mart where adventerous roaming led to an announcement that echoed throughout the store: "chshekk...security cameras for toys...chsheekkk" ...same message only disguised in management lingo... like we didn't know it was about us... so we meandered away from toys, played a round of foozeball, and attempted a game of hide-n-go seek.. unfortunately...
NOTE: when rules of a game are changed on account of a new location... be sure to enlighten all players... especially newbies...to ensure fair and equal involvement...
so..more quality time...who would trade that for typing a paper?
and today...i slept in...ran a mile and proceeded to cleanse myself, dress myself, and braid my hair...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
of course..braiding my hair made me a little late for class (35 minutes)...and as i approached the door i realized we had a guest speaker and, being so polite, i decided it would be best if i didn't enter... but instead of going back to the dorms to maybe type my paper...i looked out the window for a bit... it was really a beautiful day out... i thought about calling my roommate to go swing in the park... but i sat there... it became one of those days, not lazy, but daydreamy... i could have sat there forever probably... staring out into the sunshiny day... i actually was wanting to go play, but no playmate at the time to join me... of course, i'm not afraid to go play by myself... but i was definitely in the mood for a friend...but just as i was about to head out... a janitor lady asked me if i was having a good day... (i'm curious as to what expression on my face led her to wonder) so i talked to her a bit... she goes to church close to my home... and has been working here since march....wishes college students picked up after themselves a little better, but loves them anyway... then some friends came around the corners and i think they scared the janitor lady...so we said our farewells "it was nice meeting you"..and away she went... i jumped head first into socialization (if it's a word)... however, it seems that the longer i spend in solitude the harder it is to stay focused when i first come out of it... or maybe there were just too many people in there at a time... who knows... then my class let out and there were more people...always a joy.....so i mingled...and mingled...until 3:30 rolls around and finally i escaped only to go to um..the place above the lunchroom...laugh if you will, but i walked in merely looking for more people to talk to...so i talked to them... and then as i was leaving i found that a friend was leaving at the same time as i...so i decided to walk with her...all the way to big b...and back by myself...and i stopped again just as i reached campus to chat it up with another friend... and finally i escaped again... into the stillness of my room... i cuddled up with my roommate as she read a book...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
we went to dinner at the usual time.. 5:40.... more people...back to the room... off to a concert...not so many people... but let's just say i was reminded of the joy that comes from the christmas season... carols like silver bells soak the air and each note hydrates the soul...ugh...i love it... i could close my eyes and see the stillness of the crisp, clear night... a cloud rises with each breath...and snow flakes falling ever so gently as the tune just hovers in the silence... made me want to go for a walk... so i did...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
i walked and sang and sang and walked and enjoyed the chill of winter bundled in my oversized winter coat, scratchy striped scarf, and warm soft gloves... i was actually quite cozy believe it or not... it's not exactly my favorite thing to do...walk circles around campus...i'd much rather walk down streets or through the park or something of the sorts, however...hmm... probably wouldn't be the wisest of all decisions... oh well...i enjoy my campus mile walks well enough... ...well enough to participate in them instead of writing a paper... ha...
and now here i am...writing about all the things that keep me from writing my paper... ironic? hmm... perhaps just a result of what happens when a writer isn't confident in their material.... procrastination...slacking off... call it what you will... but i've enjoyed spending my time elsewhere than at a computer desk typing a formal, stiff necked paper...
i'd much rather babble on about what i've done in a day....so i did...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
life is good
in the last blog i mentioned a morning hug from God... well, i just casually mentioned it in my blog and like a minute afterwards i was talking to a friend online and in conclusion to our conversation we were talking about how sweet and good God has been to us and she said, "but His hugs are the best"... and i was like, "Hey!!!" ... how random is it that two people associate God's love with hugs? most people don't think of it that way...err...i don't think they do?.... well anyways...we made the pact to focus on hugs from God today... just to let Him envelope us in His arms... it's been an awesome thing... you should try it :)
but instead of focusing on doing things to please Him... instead of worrying about this or that... i've just Lived... went through the day appreciating the sunshine and the breeze... the company of friends... i love my work and the kids that i work with...even when they're crazy and won't quit...ugh i love them... and i got to make hot cocoa at work...hot cocoa with chocolate spoons... (heaven)... and then sarah and i ate in the cafe and we went to church and i got to chill with 7th and 8th graders....i think God's going to do some awesome stuff in there... today i was able to talk a little bit about what my purity ring stands for...don't i love to provide their precious minds with an alternative way to live...and an alternative motive to live for.... it's going to be interesting....i pray God uses me there... after church i wanted to go to fca but i also wanted to go bowling in hopes to meet some new people and different faces... well i chose bowling, but new people? not so much... i wasn't quite as out going as i'd liked to be... i was caught in the middle of two groups of people on opposing sides of the bowling alley... it's not very fun when you want to spend time with two separate groups... if they'd had two lanes next to eachother it would have been a lot easier but i found myself torn... so i bowled a game at each lane... and ended up leaving with a person other than the one i came with... i don't like being torn... hmm... well neway...kim and i went to wal*mart and after searching through all of wal*mart and picking up several different items only to leave them randomly in different places throughout the store...i finally found something sarah would like that was under 2 dollars... MUFFINS... and i had the chance to bring those home to her :)
now i'm going to bed...so i can get up early and start a new day off right...
ugh...i can't even explain the contentment you can have in Christ... just the joy of sitting back, closing your eyes, and being completely satisfied...full...not of food...not of wine...or anything this world has to offer... full of something much greater...much sweeter... the knowledge of Christ... the knowledge of the Cross... and the knowledge of the freedom found in it all...
but instead of focusing on doing things to please Him... instead of worrying about this or that... i've just Lived... went through the day appreciating the sunshine and the breeze... the company of friends... i love my work and the kids that i work with...even when they're crazy and won't quit...ugh i love them... and i got to make hot cocoa at work...hot cocoa with chocolate spoons... (heaven)... and then sarah and i ate in the cafe and we went to church and i got to chill with 7th and 8th graders....i think God's going to do some awesome stuff in there... today i was able to talk a little bit about what my purity ring stands for...don't i love to provide their precious minds with an alternative way to live...and an alternative motive to live for.... it's going to be interesting....i pray God uses me there... after church i wanted to go to fca but i also wanted to go bowling in hopes to meet some new people and different faces... well i chose bowling, but new people? not so much... i wasn't quite as out going as i'd liked to be... i was caught in the middle of two groups of people on opposing sides of the bowling alley... it's not very fun when you want to spend time with two separate groups... if they'd had two lanes next to eachother it would have been a lot easier but i found myself torn... so i bowled a game at each lane... and ended up leaving with a person other than the one i came with... i don't like being torn... hmm... well neway...kim and i went to wal*mart and after searching through all of wal*mart and picking up several different items only to leave them randomly in different places throughout the store...i finally found something sarah would like that was under 2 dollars... MUFFINS... and i had the chance to bring those home to her :)
now i'm going to bed...so i can get up early and start a new day off right...
ugh...i can't even explain the contentment you can have in Christ... just the joy of sitting back, closing your eyes, and being completely satisfied...full...not of food...not of wine...or anything this world has to offer... full of something much greater...much sweeter... the knowledge of Christ... the knowledge of the Cross... and the knowledge of the freedom found in it all...
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
new day
i've missed it somewhere... i've let the passion and focus slip through my fingers somehow... i've realized lately that when i wake up in the morning, sure the first thing on my mind is christ, but it's not the same joyous moment that it was a while back... it used to be like christmas every morning.. i'd get to wake up and He was there waiting and i'd hop into His arms for my morning hug, He'd grab my hand and take me for the ride of my life..sometimes He'd even let me lead a little, directing me quietly from behind...ugh... how do i forget so easily the goodness of the Lord? why do i let myself get caught up in the whirlwinds of the world, forgetting the peace and joy found only in Christ? it's not like these temporal matters have any importance when looking at the span of eternity... it's so easy so easy... to be distracted...
i think this is where it starts... first i come to the descision that everything here is temporal...and i do well with it.. but somehow i get frustrated because i can't see what eternal effects i'm making in simply walking to class... and then i try too hard to be different or something... and i end up getting distracted by the world....then i end up blending in even more than before...
well...no more frustrations...it's a new day... a bright, sunshiny day... i want the freshness of God... the unconfusing simple ways of Christ... i just love Him..that's it...i just want Him..that's it... and i hope to live a simple melody for Him today... no theological issues are going to burden my mind... no worries if i screw up... no burdens except the burdens Christ would have me carry... my eyes are on Him...my heart in His hands...
You and You alone... my heart is Yours...
i think this is where it starts... first i come to the descision that everything here is temporal...and i do well with it.. but somehow i get frustrated because i can't see what eternal effects i'm making in simply walking to class... and then i try too hard to be different or something... and i end up getting distracted by the world....then i end up blending in even more than before...
well...no more frustrations...it's a new day... a bright, sunshiny day... i want the freshness of God... the unconfusing simple ways of Christ... i just love Him..that's it...i just want Him..that's it... and i hope to live a simple melody for Him today... no theological issues are going to burden my mind... no worries if i screw up... no burdens except the burdens Christ would have me carry... my eyes are on Him...my heart in His hands...
You and You alone... my heart is Yours...
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