ugh... where are the boundaries? i want to separate myself from the world...i know i’m called to a different lifestyle than "the normal"... does that mean different than non-christians as well as "regular" christians? what is that? i don’t know what it means...i don’t know how it looks...i don’t know how to attain it... God help me... every time i go anywhere i’m frustrated with the when how and where’s of sharing my faith... i can’t look at anyone i don’t know and not wonder whether or not they know Him... i can’t talk to anyone and not wonder if there’s something i could say that might encourage their walk whether they know Him or not... i can’t do anything anymore... the struggle haunts me sometimes... what can i do to be more radical? what else can i give? and instead of throwing myself into each and every opportunity...i feel like i pull away...i’m shy...clueless...cowardly even... ...i want to bleat out that i’ve never had a shepherd to lead me down this crazy, radical path... but that’s no excuse... Christ is longing to use me in an outstanding way... and am i too afraid?
dear Jesus...i have to be obedient...
maybe that’s my biggest struggle...obedience... God is calling... i don’t know how to answer Him all the time... sometimes i do... and many times i think i might shrug it off and say "i don’t REALLY know if that’s what He’s saying..."
God forgive me... help me attain that willing heart, passionate spirit, and fire-eyed love for You... here i am, Lord... teach me to be used...
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Thursday, October 28, 2004
freedom
i know it's never happened to someone like you...you're perfect, of course... but more than once in my life and very often on my path, which i pray is directed as precisely toward God as possible, i have found myself in a completely empty predictament. no hope. where's God? i always have wondered where my mind was at these points of my life. what was i thinking? but there HAS to be some reason i felt this way and thought i had to live in the darkest corners of the barrel...
i confess that even once at the beginning of this year i had the temptation to reject God altogether and run in the opposing direction. life had become so humdrum and caliginous... there was nothing to it...no substance... it was dry and lifeless... i was sludging through with no direction and no goal.. what is the purpose of life? what are we here for? what are we supposed to be doing with our lives?.. i hadn't the clue where to find anything... i was so empty of everything... if you'd looked into my eyes, even in those once in a while worldly happy moments, i wouldn't be amazed if they were dull and boring... i tell you i experienced feeling nothing and i woulda done almost anything to find life again... in fact, i contemplated in my mind many different ways i could perhaps fill myself again.. one night, in exasparation from my desparate state, i made arrangements to do something completely out of my personality...just for the experience...i knew there had to be more to life than this sick, empty, lifeless state and i wanted to find it no matter what the cost... you may not have any clue what i'm talking about... perhaps you're surprised that i might have ever felt this way...perhaps you're feeling the same way right now...i wouldn't doubt it if all of you who read this have experienced living in this state of mind on many different occasions... and, with you knowing that i know what state you're in, i want to exhort you: there IS more... but you won't find it in any woman, man, drug, drink, perverse act or thought, food, television shows, or really much else for that matter... no, nothing this world has to offer has effects that could possibly satisfy us for a lifetime...yes, they can satisfy us momentarily, but there's always a let down... always... so what do we do? how do we get away from this unfullfilling and utterly disappointing life?
well...as i said...i made arrangements to participate in one of those momentarily satisfying possibilities listed above, however, before i found myself able to go deeper into my pit of mire...i found myself in a pew at a small youth service... nothing special... and as i listened to the worship in the beginning...i didn't want to be there...i wanted to leave, get away, run... there was a war raging within me and my entire being was exhausted... i wanted to scream but, as the lyrics of a new song claimed freedom in Christ, all i could do was cry. where was this Lord who promised me freedom and salvation from these miry pits of sin? i was caught in those depths to which we humans, like pigs, plunge ourselves and it seemed hopeless that i might ever escape. my weeping continued through worship... i wasn't able to leave the pew... "i can't do it anymore," my prayers would scream ...my flesh was enraged... but the Spirit of God was doing some overtime attempting to cut Himself through the trash i'd built up in my life... oh, the way He proceeds to love even when we confess our complete unworthiness... i experienced freedom that night... a freedom of unbelieveable joy... the closest to flying i'll ever be... i didn't go to that church to find freedom...i came simple to complete the normal routine of wednesday night, but Christ found me... He saw me... and He met me there... ...He poured Himself over me...and I was filled with an unsurpassed fulfillment...
oh if only i'd forever keep my eyes fastened on the Lord...that's where victories are won... that's where true success is found... there is nothing that compares to the freedom and salvation found in the Lord..
it's even more amazing that He desires us to find this freedom... to have this close relationship with Him, where we can lay everything burdensome at His feet... what forgiveness and unconditional love can be found in Christ! praise Him...praise Him... i never want to turn away... i never want to pull away my cup that's continually being filled with that satisfying, forever-flowing water... the purest, sweetest water...
i tell you: you don't have to suffer... you don't have to want.. you don't have to bury yourself in the darkest corners of the barrel... simply turn your eyes away from the sin that's bound you and ask Him to help you turn them to Christ... and He will meet you there... i promise...
stotrum stotrum for the satisfying taste of the Lord
i confess that even once at the beginning of this year i had the temptation to reject God altogether and run in the opposing direction. life had become so humdrum and caliginous... there was nothing to it...no substance... it was dry and lifeless... i was sludging through with no direction and no goal.. what is the purpose of life? what are we here for? what are we supposed to be doing with our lives?.. i hadn't the clue where to find anything... i was so empty of everything... if you'd looked into my eyes, even in those once in a while worldly happy moments, i wouldn't be amazed if they were dull and boring... i tell you i experienced feeling nothing and i woulda done almost anything to find life again... in fact, i contemplated in my mind many different ways i could perhaps fill myself again.. one night, in exasparation from my desparate state, i made arrangements to do something completely out of my personality...just for the experience...i knew there had to be more to life than this sick, empty, lifeless state and i wanted to find it no matter what the cost... you may not have any clue what i'm talking about... perhaps you're surprised that i might have ever felt this way...perhaps you're feeling the same way right now...i wouldn't doubt it if all of you who read this have experienced living in this state of mind on many different occasions... and, with you knowing that i know what state you're in, i want to exhort you: there IS more... but you won't find it in any woman, man, drug, drink, perverse act or thought, food, television shows, or really much else for that matter... no, nothing this world has to offer has effects that could possibly satisfy us for a lifetime...yes, they can satisfy us momentarily, but there's always a let down... always... so what do we do? how do we get away from this unfullfilling and utterly disappointing life?
well...as i said...i made arrangements to participate in one of those momentarily satisfying possibilities listed above, however, before i found myself able to go deeper into my pit of mire...i found myself in a pew at a small youth service... nothing special... and as i listened to the worship in the beginning...i didn't want to be there...i wanted to leave, get away, run... there was a war raging within me and my entire being was exhausted... i wanted to scream but, as the lyrics of a new song claimed freedom in Christ, all i could do was cry. where was this Lord who promised me freedom and salvation from these miry pits of sin? i was caught in those depths to which we humans, like pigs, plunge ourselves and it seemed hopeless that i might ever escape. my weeping continued through worship... i wasn't able to leave the pew... "i can't do it anymore," my prayers would scream ...my flesh was enraged... but the Spirit of God was doing some overtime attempting to cut Himself through the trash i'd built up in my life... oh, the way He proceeds to love even when we confess our complete unworthiness... i experienced freedom that night... a freedom of unbelieveable joy... the closest to flying i'll ever be... i didn't go to that church to find freedom...i came simple to complete the normal routine of wednesday night, but Christ found me... He saw me... and He met me there... ...He poured Himself over me...and I was filled with an unsurpassed fulfillment...
oh if only i'd forever keep my eyes fastened on the Lord...that's where victories are won... that's where true success is found... there is nothing that compares to the freedom and salvation found in the Lord..
it's even more amazing that He desires us to find this freedom... to have this close relationship with Him, where we can lay everything burdensome at His feet... what forgiveness and unconditional love can be found in Christ! praise Him...praise Him... i never want to turn away... i never want to pull away my cup that's continually being filled with that satisfying, forever-flowing water... the purest, sweetest water...
i tell you: you don't have to suffer... you don't have to want.. you don't have to bury yourself in the darkest corners of the barrel... simply turn your eyes away from the sin that's bound you and ask Him to help you turn them to Christ... and He will meet you there... i promise...
stotrum stotrum for the satisfying taste of the Lord
my passion
i made the trip to new york this weekend... a random road trip that i'd like to discuss in further detail in another blog... but there were about 7 of us...and we spent a few hours in central park during out venture there. another girl and i were convicted to add some purpose to our visit so she and i set out to perhaps spread a little of the Good News to a couple of the hundreds that were passing by us each moment...it was the least we could do, i guess... i just couldn't stand there another minute and "enjoy" new york, while wondering in the back of my mind how many of those people were going to hell... i'm convicted even now...why didn't i tell more people...what and why do i fear? *sigh*... well.. that's another blog ha...
the friend i was with made mention at a passerby of the cute looks of her dog and within moments we were face to face with this woman and it was more than obvious of her eagerness to speak with us. So we talked with her...about all sorts of things. well... somewhere in there we were able to talk with her about our own faiths... we also shared some of our lives with her... like what i'm going to do after college and stuff like that... trying to figure out what i was looking to do with my life she asked me, "what's your passion?" and...i thought about it for a second... i'm good at a lot of things...like to do a lot of things... but my life revolves around Christ and Our relationship... so i said "Jesus"...
when i look at that answer and the situation i said it in...i meant it... every word of it... Christ is my passion... that's what my life revolves around...that's really all that consumes me, besides the times that i allow my flesh to reign in my mind... i obviously have sin in my life... but i can't stay away from God so long... He's my Love...my greatest Desire... my deepest Want...
sometimes i don't see it in my life... i see where i fail... i see where i completely turn my eyes from Him and choose opposing paths from His path... i also see times where it's OBVIOUS that He's speaking to me and i choose not to listen... i don't really do BAD things all the time... Good things...but i know Good things become Bad things if not done with His blessings and not in His will....
last night we went on another road trip...not so long as the first...and not for the same purpose... it was more for educational reasons, but i didn't share my faith with one person...i talked with the family seated behind me... and felt the whisper.... i talked with the wendy's server... and felt the whisper... if it's my greatest passion it should ever be on my speech... on my heart... on my mind... i'm going to be responsible for my actions... for not thoroughly caring enough to reach out to the lost or tired...
man, Jesus... i want a passion that's impossible to store up in my heart and not speak it out... forgive me...i don't want to preach at people...i don't want to condemn anyone... i just want to share the love that You have for all peoples... You deserve for them to know... "May the Lamb recieve the rewards of His sufferings"... please...help me to fall more in love with You, so that You are the first thing on my mind in the morning...the last thing there at night... and the One that consumes all the in-between time as well... it's kind of like that now... but i want more... Lord, You want more out of my life than something normal and regular... may You be the only thing people see in me... may my passion in You make me who i am...
we're called to be consumed with Christ... consumed... nothing left... ...brother or sister... how much are you willing to die to, so that you can reach your potential in Christ? does it really matter what people would make of us? ... does it really matter what we lose here on earth? ...i once knew a Christ-consumed man who single-handedly (with Him of course) started up 250 churches... how much of an impact are you making in the lives around you? there's always more to find in Christ...
the friend i was with made mention at a passerby of the cute looks of her dog and within moments we were face to face with this woman and it was more than obvious of her eagerness to speak with us. So we talked with her...about all sorts of things. well... somewhere in there we were able to talk with her about our own faiths... we also shared some of our lives with her... like what i'm going to do after college and stuff like that... trying to figure out what i was looking to do with my life she asked me, "what's your passion?" and...i thought about it for a second... i'm good at a lot of things...like to do a lot of things... but my life revolves around Christ and Our relationship... so i said "Jesus"...
when i look at that answer and the situation i said it in...i meant it... every word of it... Christ is my passion... that's what my life revolves around...that's really all that consumes me, besides the times that i allow my flesh to reign in my mind... i obviously have sin in my life... but i can't stay away from God so long... He's my Love...my greatest Desire... my deepest Want...
sometimes i don't see it in my life... i see where i fail... i see where i completely turn my eyes from Him and choose opposing paths from His path... i also see times where it's OBVIOUS that He's speaking to me and i choose not to listen... i don't really do BAD things all the time... Good things...but i know Good things become Bad things if not done with His blessings and not in His will....
last night we went on another road trip...not so long as the first...and not for the same purpose... it was more for educational reasons, but i didn't share my faith with one person...i talked with the family seated behind me... and felt the whisper.... i talked with the wendy's server... and felt the whisper... if it's my greatest passion it should ever be on my speech... on my heart... on my mind... i'm going to be responsible for my actions... for not thoroughly caring enough to reach out to the lost or tired...
man, Jesus... i want a passion that's impossible to store up in my heart and not speak it out... forgive me...i don't want to preach at people...i don't want to condemn anyone... i just want to share the love that You have for all peoples... You deserve for them to know... "May the Lamb recieve the rewards of His sufferings"... please...help me to fall more in love with You, so that You are the first thing on my mind in the morning...the last thing there at night... and the One that consumes all the in-between time as well... it's kind of like that now... but i want more... Lord, You want more out of my life than something normal and regular... may You be the only thing people see in me... may my passion in You make me who i am...
we're called to be consumed with Christ... consumed... nothing left... ...brother or sister... how much are you willing to die to, so that you can reach your potential in Christ? does it really matter what people would make of us? ... does it really matter what we lose here on earth? ...i once knew a Christ-consumed man who single-handedly (with Him of course) started up 250 churches... how much of an impact are you making in the lives around you? there's always more to find in Christ...
Monday, October 25, 2004
new york? no way!
so it was the day after a night of no sleep madness...I went to my first class... definitely skipped the second one... I only slept four hours that day...woke up and played a little frisbee... then somehow it was time for dinner...
and there I was...alone in the cafeteria... sure, I had a great time the night before, but a cloud in the distance of my imagination promised a not so exciting fall break... *sigh* there had to be SOMETHING or SOMEWHERE to go... but no... every idea and every attempt failed...and now my parents had disappeared into nothingness... I had nearly accepted the fact that perhaps I might be spending the next four days with just my lil old self, when I stopped to chat with some friends on the way out of the cafeteria... just chatted for a bit... then saw some other friends at another table and their conversation kinda sparked an interest in me... They were complaining about how they weren’t going to be able to make the trip to new york because they hadn’t a vehicle... I talked to them for a bit and then...I suddenly heard myself offer my car for their journey...so long as they pack me in somewhere... By the looks on their faces I could tell they didn’t know whether or not to believe me... heck! I couldn’t tell whether or not to believe me... but we made the plans “20 minutes...I’ll pill you guys up.”... well, on the way to my room I stopped to talk with this girl and I offered her the amazing opportunity of joining us for this unexpected vacation...and surprise unto me...she took it...car and all... and with her came ANOTHER friend...and an extra car, which turned out to be a very blessed thing, because my car ended up not even being driveable (oops...it’s the thought that counts)...
Off we went... destination: new york city! It was an awesome journey...I can still hear myself repeating “I can’t believe we’re on our way to new york” at random moments throughout the trip. my mind was bursting with excitement...err either that or lack of sleep :) (considering i’d only had about 4 hours in the last 48) ...oh but it had been worth it... stotrum stotrum i had no idea what a wonderful fall break this would turn out to be. it was humorous to think that only a few hours before i had been a little upset because the break seemingly wasn’t going to turn out the way i was hoping...
Some time during the night, one of the guys took an uncomfortable position on the floor so that perhaps I could sneak in some much needed shut eye... of course, I didn’t realize that was his intent until afterwards, but stotrum all the more for sacrificial people... After a little bit of sleep and 16 hours of travel... I was awakened with a nudge, shot out of my sleeping position, and opened my eyes to an awesome almost over sunrise from the middle of some bridge... I couldn’t stop exclaiming, “wow”... complete awe... gosh! :)
so we arrived in the city a few hours after that and barely managed to find parking ($16 for 12 hours!!!!)... once we got everything taken care of we set off ready for an adventure... first stop: subway station... where we purchased a metro card: unlimited for 24 hours... only 7 dollars! I think one of the things I enjoyed most was navigating the group around nyc through subways and streets... we visited central park, grand central station, time square... tried to visit a vineyard church... we did waste a lot of time looking for somewhere to stay that night.. Oh well..it’s just the fact that we WENT that really matters.. Next time we’ll be better prepared... But we did have a blast... thoroughly enjoyed exploring new york city whenever, where ever, and however our free hearts desired...sometime during the course of the trip a friend and I were able to share our faiths with a woman in central park, a man and his daughter, and two teenagers on the subway... I think some of my other favorite times were being able to meet new people and minister to them hopefully in some way... and also getting to know the people who accompanied me a little better was a blessing... hmm.. It was all great...
We ended up deciding not even to stay in new york city that night... so our ventures lasted about 12 hours and then we decided to head out and perhaps stop somewhere fun on the way back home...that was definitely a fun trip... we pulled into a school parking lot about 4 hours out of new york to attempt getting some rest... I was exhausted and the majority of us hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before... it was a bit chilly out (very cold), but for some crazy reason (one I can’t comprehend) the boys decided they had to sleep outside for the night...maybe there just wasn’t room enough in the car or something, I don’t know... so we gave them all of our blankets and tried to tough it out in the little car... sooo cold...I can’t even tell you how many times I woke up with my whole body freezing or with everything from the waist down asleep...fun stuff like that... unbeknownst to us, the guys weren’t able to handle the freezing night air (duh) and had taken ALL of our blankets inside the other car with them... ugh... but it was okay... we survived...
We spent all of Sunday driving.. Nearly died because of um... lack of highway driving experience...got that taken care of though...and driving...one member of the “team” took off his pants and lounged in the back seat with mere boxers....more driving... that member later (after he put his pants back on) received what my roommate and I refer to as an “anal spike”... um... doesn’t sound clean, but I promise you it’s pure...more driving... ate at a cute little country restaurant and had ourselves some REALLY awesome food... soooo good...sooo goood.... then more driving... driving driving...*sigh*... FINALLY lexington! Stotrum! We stopped at a coffee house to enjoy some...well...coffee.... And lounged for a bit and then after I made a recommendation...we stopped to visit with a wonderfully awesome amazing friend... yay!
We really just showed up and went in just as a bible study was getting over with... they were really excited to see us :) ... one of the girl “members” on our “team” (the one who did ministry in the park with me) and I went to wal*mart with some of the bible study members and it was awesome because we were able to do a little witnessing there as well... I was really blessed...I met three awesome people...2 of which were christians already...hopefully my words encouraged their walks... I love doing that sort of stuff... it’s like a breath of fresh air...and reassurance from God....
After that, we went back to the friend’s house and took SHOWERS>>>oogh felt so wonderful.... I was blessed... we moved to someone else’s home and decided to “sleep over”... it was great...I ended up staying up SOO late and got to know a friend a lot more than I had before...I love LOVE being able to see a little deeper into someone’s heart...getting to know them and why they tick and why the do what they do... I really really enjoy it...
But when I hit that couch at 5 in the morning... I was out of it within seconds... I was so comfortable, so calm, so relaxed, so at peace... so happy... :) I was blessed... man, new york and back in two days... how awesome is that? So that’s really the end of our adventure... I had to wake up and go to work with kids (fun fun fun) at 11 in the morning, but that ain’t no thang.... but as I drove away...I couldn’t help but say to myself with a smile, “I can’t believe we just went to new york.”
and there I was...alone in the cafeteria... sure, I had a great time the night before, but a cloud in the distance of my imagination promised a not so exciting fall break... *sigh* there had to be SOMETHING or SOMEWHERE to go... but no... every idea and every attempt failed...and now my parents had disappeared into nothingness... I had nearly accepted the fact that perhaps I might be spending the next four days with just my lil old self, when I stopped to chat with some friends on the way out of the cafeteria... just chatted for a bit... then saw some other friends at another table and their conversation kinda sparked an interest in me... They were complaining about how they weren’t going to be able to make the trip to new york because they hadn’t a vehicle... I talked to them for a bit and then...I suddenly heard myself offer my car for their journey...so long as they pack me in somewhere... By the looks on their faces I could tell they didn’t know whether or not to believe me... heck! I couldn’t tell whether or not to believe me... but we made the plans “20 minutes...I’ll pill you guys up.”... well, on the way to my room I stopped to talk with this girl and I offered her the amazing opportunity of joining us for this unexpected vacation...and surprise unto me...she took it...car and all... and with her came ANOTHER friend...and an extra car, which turned out to be a very blessed thing, because my car ended up not even being driveable (oops...it’s the thought that counts)...
Off we went... destination: new york city! It was an awesome journey...I can still hear myself repeating “I can’t believe we’re on our way to new york” at random moments throughout the trip. my mind was bursting with excitement...err either that or lack of sleep :) (considering i’d only had about 4 hours in the last 48) ...oh but it had been worth it... stotrum stotrum i had no idea what a wonderful fall break this would turn out to be. it was humorous to think that only a few hours before i had been a little upset because the break seemingly wasn’t going to turn out the way i was hoping...
Some time during the night, one of the guys took an uncomfortable position on the floor so that perhaps I could sneak in some much needed shut eye... of course, I didn’t realize that was his intent until afterwards, but stotrum all the more for sacrificial people... After a little bit of sleep and 16 hours of travel... I was awakened with a nudge, shot out of my sleeping position, and opened my eyes to an awesome almost over sunrise from the middle of some bridge... I couldn’t stop exclaiming, “wow”... complete awe... gosh! :)
so we arrived in the city a few hours after that and barely managed to find parking ($16 for 12 hours!!!!)... once we got everything taken care of we set off ready for an adventure... first stop: subway station... where we purchased a metro card: unlimited for 24 hours... only 7 dollars! I think one of the things I enjoyed most was navigating the group around nyc through subways and streets... we visited central park, grand central station, time square... tried to visit a vineyard church... we did waste a lot of time looking for somewhere to stay that night.. Oh well..it’s just the fact that we WENT that really matters.. Next time we’ll be better prepared... But we did have a blast... thoroughly enjoyed exploring new york city whenever, where ever, and however our free hearts desired...sometime during the course of the trip a friend and I were able to share our faiths with a woman in central park, a man and his daughter, and two teenagers on the subway... I think some of my other favorite times were being able to meet new people and minister to them hopefully in some way... and also getting to know the people who accompanied me a little better was a blessing... hmm.. It was all great...
We ended up deciding not even to stay in new york city that night... so our ventures lasted about 12 hours and then we decided to head out and perhaps stop somewhere fun on the way back home...that was definitely a fun trip... we pulled into a school parking lot about 4 hours out of new york to attempt getting some rest... I was exhausted and the majority of us hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before... it was a bit chilly out (very cold), but for some crazy reason (one I can’t comprehend) the boys decided they had to sleep outside for the night...maybe there just wasn’t room enough in the car or something, I don’t know... so we gave them all of our blankets and tried to tough it out in the little car... sooo cold...I can’t even tell you how many times I woke up with my whole body freezing or with everything from the waist down asleep...fun stuff like that... unbeknownst to us, the guys weren’t able to handle the freezing night air (duh) and had taken ALL of our blankets inside the other car with them... ugh... but it was okay... we survived...
We spent all of Sunday driving.. Nearly died because of um... lack of highway driving experience...got that taken care of though...and driving...one member of the “team” took off his pants and lounged in the back seat with mere boxers....more driving... that member later (after he put his pants back on) received what my roommate and I refer to as an “anal spike”... um... doesn’t sound clean, but I promise you it’s pure...more driving... ate at a cute little country restaurant and had ourselves some REALLY awesome food... soooo good...sooo goood.... then more driving... driving driving...*sigh*... FINALLY lexington! Stotrum! We stopped at a coffee house to enjoy some...well...coffee.... And lounged for a bit and then after I made a recommendation...we stopped to visit with a wonderfully awesome amazing friend... yay!
We really just showed up and went in just as a bible study was getting over with... they were really excited to see us :) ... one of the girl “members” on our “team” (the one who did ministry in the park with me) and I went to wal*mart with some of the bible study members and it was awesome because we were able to do a little witnessing there as well... I was really blessed...I met three awesome people...2 of which were christians already...hopefully my words encouraged their walks... I love doing that sort of stuff... it’s like a breath of fresh air...and reassurance from God....
After that, we went back to the friend’s house and took SHOWERS>>>oogh felt so wonderful.... I was blessed... we moved to someone else’s home and decided to “sleep over”... it was great...I ended up staying up SOO late and got to know a friend a lot more than I had before...I love LOVE being able to see a little deeper into someone’s heart...getting to know them and why they tick and why the do what they do... I really really enjoy it...
But when I hit that couch at 5 in the morning... I was out of it within seconds... I was so comfortable, so calm, so relaxed, so at peace... so happy... :) I was blessed... man, new york and back in two days... how awesome is that? So that’s really the end of our adventure... I had to wake up and go to work with kids (fun fun fun) at 11 in the morning, but that ain’t no thang.... but as I drove away...I couldn’t help but say to myself with a smile, “I can’t believe we just went to new york.”
Saturday, October 23, 2004
parents exit stage right
with fall break looming in the near future, a friend and i begin planning a road trip to Kansas City, MO to visit the IHOP (international house of prayer)...however...our plans didn’t fall through and a lot of baggage went with the very idea of going... so i was left a little bit disturbed...my plans for fall break just weren’t blooming as I expected...
i went home to do some laundry in preparation for the ex-trip...there I was: home alone in the dark with a load of laundry being separated from all the filth within their threads... my family had left with no warning and four empty boring days were rising in front of me... wasn’t exactly my idea of a great beginning... so i called up some friends...i knew they had no lives for themselves so they’d prolly be interested in becoming a part of mine...(that was a joke) thank goodness they were up for driving out to the boonies to watch a movie and hang out...
so half an hour later i get a call “umm...we’re lost” ...of course, they would attempt the more difficult way to my house... it was good though ...gave me a little extra time to spend with my Jesus... nothing like spending sweet time with the one that you love...
well... they arrived some 30-45 minutes later... i was kind of excited...i love having people over... we started watching a movie..hmm..interesting movie.. Farris Beuler’s Day Off (I’m guessin i spelled it wrong)...my roommate came not long after and was able to enjoy most of the show with us... i liked the movie for the simple fact that it was completely random... those kind of shows are pretty humorous... but really.. what else can i say about it? i just don’t know how you can expect me to go to school on a day like this...
the night proceeded into many different things.. pillow frenzies...(unexpected puffs of cotton shoved in your face randomly throughout the night), rounds of hide-n-seek (one round took 45 minutes... i would say i’m a good hider, but...ahem...helps when the seeker proves blind...woulda took longer but somebody put on their quitter pants, assumed i was a cheater, and attempted {failed} to trick me into hiding for no reason...it’s okay...i forgive you...[insert squinty eye smile here]), full-fledged attacks on one another (yeah, ticklish there..and there...and there...oh yeah, there too...and there), christian-style truth or dare (where you actually have daring dares, like sticking your hand in the pirana tank...none of that icky licky dirty stuff...), we watched a Goofy Movie (huhyuck huh huh huh), and in the midst of all this fun we got to know each other more so than before...i consider it one of the bigger blessings ... it’s hard to clearly remember... my mind gets a little groggy at 6 in the morning... but sometime during the wee hours of the morning...the conversation was of God... and it made me really happy...the inside-smiling-peaceful kind of happy that you get when the world seems to stop, you look around...and everything’s beautiful....stotrum
i’ve been blessed by the hearts of these people... being able to see and love the Christ in them... what can i say? i’m blessed...
we ended up staying up all night... ate breakfast back at campus around 7:30 in the morning... first time i’d eaten breakfast since i came to college i think... it was pretty good...biscuit and gravy is the bomb.... wow... what a wonderful day...
stotrum for the friends in our lives who make happy days happier... and for family vacations
i went home to do some laundry in preparation for the ex-trip...there I was: home alone in the dark with a load of laundry being separated from all the filth within their threads... my family had left with no warning and four empty boring days were rising in front of me... wasn’t exactly my idea of a great beginning... so i called up some friends...i knew they had no lives for themselves so they’d prolly be interested in becoming a part of mine...(that was a joke) thank goodness they were up for driving out to the boonies to watch a movie and hang out...
so half an hour later i get a call “umm...we’re lost” ...of course, they would attempt the more difficult way to my house... it was good though ...gave me a little extra time to spend with my Jesus... nothing like spending sweet time with the one that you love...
well... they arrived some 30-45 minutes later... i was kind of excited...i love having people over... we started watching a movie..hmm..interesting movie.. Farris Beuler’s Day Off (I’m guessin i spelled it wrong)...my roommate came not long after and was able to enjoy most of the show with us... i liked the movie for the simple fact that it was completely random... those kind of shows are pretty humorous... but really.. what else can i say about it? i just don’t know how you can expect me to go to school on a day like this...
the night proceeded into many different things.. pillow frenzies...(unexpected puffs of cotton shoved in your face randomly throughout the night), rounds of hide-n-seek (one round took 45 minutes... i would say i’m a good hider, but...ahem...helps when the seeker proves blind...woulda took longer but somebody put on their quitter pants, assumed i was a cheater, and attempted {failed} to trick me into hiding for no reason...it’s okay...i forgive you...[insert squinty eye smile here]), full-fledged attacks on one another (yeah, ticklish there..and there...and there...oh yeah, there too...and there), christian-style truth or dare (where you actually have daring dares, like sticking your hand in the pirana tank...none of that icky licky dirty stuff...), we watched a Goofy Movie (huhyuck huh huh huh), and in the midst of all this fun we got to know each other more so than before...i consider it one of the bigger blessings ... it’s hard to clearly remember... my mind gets a little groggy at 6 in the morning... but sometime during the wee hours of the morning...the conversation was of God... and it made me really happy...the inside-smiling-peaceful kind of happy that you get when the world seems to stop, you look around...and everything’s beautiful....stotrum
i’ve been blessed by the hearts of these people... being able to see and love the Christ in them... what can i say? i’m blessed...
we ended up staying up all night... ate breakfast back at campus around 7:30 in the morning... first time i’d eaten breakfast since i came to college i think... it was pretty good...biscuit and gravy is the bomb.... wow... what a wonderful day...
stotrum for the friends in our lives who make happy days happier... and for family vacations
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
turning tides
pretty tiresome day...
woke up...ate like two bites at lunch because a nice guy stopped by to "chat"... had to go to class a lil late...learned so much bout the old testament while watching a friend doze off into his textbook... so graceful... aced the test tho...stotrum... 101 outta 105... i'm brialliant.. then onto college algebra where the teacher took a point off my 86 out of a 100 test because i didn't put the dollar sign in the answer... man, will i ever make it in life? then to work... i really love those kids... today i chucked up 15 dollars for a magazine so some girl scout could win one of those cheap prizes that aren't worth bellybutton fuzz... i guess it was worth it .... :) ...then after work i had a conversation with a friend that i didn't completely understand, but after discussing it and stuff...i dunno...left me a bit under the weather i think... i wonder why a guy wouldn't want to fight for a girl if he thought she was worth it....or why he would give up so easily when just a few weeks ago he considered her "precious"... hmm...dinner swung around... yummy surprise cafeteria food... i think i eat there just for the socializing part... and back to the dorm where i wasted away an hour of my life here at the computer trying to figure out how i'm supposed to get my pic on here...
then for a pretty awesome night...
praise the lord...time for the movies... so a friend, my roommate, and i all hop into her jeep, speed off to the guys dorms to pick up a couple more friends, and head for the movies... we watch one of the most awkward movies, which leaves me speechless with its absurdity.... the forgotten was interesting enough, however, with all the bad acting and illfitting scenes i wouldn't mind forgetting it... ha. i guess my favorite part would have to be when the cop lady is like, "i believe you...everything..i believe you!" and then from out of nowhere she's sucked into outer space...hmm... majorly unexpected...entirely out of place... ...so after the movie we drive to green county in search of the long lost dumesis (?) restaraunt, however, after finding it's closed...we head to the popular hang out spot: bells...where we grab some donuts and SPEED to the park... err.. not so much speed...micah was driving after all (drives as fast as a constipated turd)... so we're at the park long enough to swing a few rounds and enjoy the somewhat warm night air...but as fate would have it a cop car pulls up and informs us the park is closing and it's time to go...sooooo of we go...where? first to kim's house (sleeping! imagine that at only 12 am!) and then through the slippery back roads of kentucky destination: mannsville. we arrive at my home and explore the inside and chill for a bit at the bar, but with our minds drooping i knew it was time for more exploration, so.... into the barn...where we spent at least 2 hours chilling in the rv discussing old time cartoons, partying in the bed (we're PURE, people!), and making light of the tempers of our fathers... so somewhere around 3 am...i recognize the pitter patter (actually a ROAR) of rain on the tin roof of this building and we all sprint to our shoes like sprint telephone service operators... (we remembered we left the windows down in the jeep..oops)... so quietly across my dark, deserted lawn so as not to disturb my sleeping parents, into the jeep and off to the dorms...and into our beds... quite the night really... i'd probably do it again, if i ever have the chance :)
so the day ends...so many things to be thankful for...so many things He's given me and blessed me with... stotrum stotrum for He is good...
woke up...ate like two bites at lunch because a nice guy stopped by to "chat"... had to go to class a lil late...learned so much bout the old testament while watching a friend doze off into his textbook... so graceful... aced the test tho...stotrum... 101 outta 105... i'm brialliant.. then onto college algebra where the teacher took a point off my 86 out of a 100 test because i didn't put the dollar sign in the answer... man, will i ever make it in life? then to work... i really love those kids... today i chucked up 15 dollars for a magazine so some girl scout could win one of those cheap prizes that aren't worth bellybutton fuzz... i guess it was worth it .... :) ...then after work i had a conversation with a friend that i didn't completely understand, but after discussing it and stuff...i dunno...left me a bit under the weather i think... i wonder why a guy wouldn't want to fight for a girl if he thought she was worth it....or why he would give up so easily when just a few weeks ago he considered her "precious"... hmm...dinner swung around... yummy surprise cafeteria food... i think i eat there just for the socializing part... and back to the dorm where i wasted away an hour of my life here at the computer trying to figure out how i'm supposed to get my pic on here...
then for a pretty awesome night...
praise the lord...time for the movies... so a friend, my roommate, and i all hop into her jeep, speed off to the guys dorms to pick up a couple more friends, and head for the movies... we watch one of the most awkward movies, which leaves me speechless with its absurdity.... the forgotten was interesting enough, however, with all the bad acting and illfitting scenes i wouldn't mind forgetting it... ha. i guess my favorite part would have to be when the cop lady is like, "i believe you...everything..i believe you!" and then from out of nowhere she's sucked into outer space...hmm... majorly unexpected...entirely out of place... ...so after the movie we drive to green county in search of the long lost dumesis (?) restaraunt, however, after finding it's closed...we head to the popular hang out spot: bells...where we grab some donuts and SPEED to the park... err.. not so much speed...micah was driving after all (drives as fast as a constipated turd)... so we're at the park long enough to swing a few rounds and enjoy the somewhat warm night air...but as fate would have it a cop car pulls up and informs us the park is closing and it's time to go...sooooo of we go...where? first to kim's house (sleeping! imagine that at only 12 am!) and then through the slippery back roads of kentucky destination: mannsville. we arrive at my home and explore the inside and chill for a bit at the bar, but with our minds drooping i knew it was time for more exploration, so.... into the barn...where we spent at least 2 hours chilling in the rv discussing old time cartoons, partying in the bed (we're PURE, people!), and making light of the tempers of our fathers... so somewhere around 3 am...i recognize the pitter patter (actually a ROAR) of rain on the tin roof of this building and we all sprint to our shoes like sprint telephone service operators... (we remembered we left the windows down in the jeep..oops)... so quietly across my dark, deserted lawn so as not to disturb my sleeping parents, into the jeep and off to the dorms...and into our beds... quite the night really... i'd probably do it again, if i ever have the chance :)
so the day ends...so many things to be thankful for...so many things He's given me and blessed me with... stotrum stotrum for He is good...
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
those judgemental glances
hmm.. i've found that one of the most hurtful and angrifying things in the world is for someone (a friend usually) to assume that i might judge them for something that they do, struggle with, are addicted to, blah blah blah. for instance, one day i glanced out our dorm room window and recognized a friend and, as i began to pull it open, i realized he was smoking...kinda surprised me...i had no idea he smoked...and i laughed because here i had no clue and wondered if he'd been at it all the while...or if he was just experiementing... but...i yelled his name and laughed, "what are you doin? i didn't know you smoked!!" ....it doesn't sound like anyone was laughing by the words i typed, but let's just say you could hear the humor.... well, instead of being like 'doh here i am,' he hid the cigar out of reaction and kinda laughed a little nervously back "what are you talkin about?"...he looked a little embarrassed..maybe a shot of shame... ugh it hurts me, because i don't understand why someone would think that i could love them any less just because they have a bad habit... needless to say i kinda got on him for it, "!!! i don't care if you smoke!! i mean..i don't want you to die, but i love you regardless! i can't believe you'd think i wouldn't!" i'm not sure if he got the message or not...
i guess it shouldn't be a surprise that people hide the bad habits in their lives... the church err...many christians today have made it obvious that if you're doing wrong they're going to preach at you until you change your ways. i hate the judgemental assumption though that just because i'm pretty serious about God i'm going to be judgemental. they're doing the same thing that they get angry with other people for: judging, labeling, stereotyping. ugh some people might judge..many people do, but it's ME! i don't care if you've backslidden so far you can't get up, i love you i love you i love you...and putting out your cigerette out before i notice, or acting like something else to be accepted...isn't going to change the fact that i could care less about who you are trying to be... i just want to know who you are...
it really doesn't make me so angry as much as it saddens me. it aches me that i know people who feel they have to be something else in order to be accepted. they feel they have to believe what everyone else believes, and hide what they do if it doesn't add up to what goes on around them. i guess that's one of the problems in the Body today... too many people are hiding their "booboo" and if they share, the church gets mad and instead of carressing the wound they slap on a band-aid and send them on their way. this happens not only to christians but to the lost as well... the lost come in for some care and we stick up our noses and ask them to cleanse that wound a little before they come near our holy selves. there's a lost, dying, aching people out there and we're worried about seeing a little drop of blood fall on the sanctuary floor or perhaps getting a tear stain on our shirts.... shewt... we're never going to see the Body glorified.
how about we all stop giving out those judgemental glances... i'm not gonna judge the lost, nor the found... don't either of you judge me... i'm doing my best to follow Christ and heck..i may mess up, but i'm gonna forgive you...forgive me... nobody's just like anybody else...
God forgive us... fill our hearts with a sincere love for all people in all situations of life... and let people know who i am and to whom i belong by the way that i love...
i guess it shouldn't be a surprise that people hide the bad habits in their lives... the church err...many christians today have made it obvious that if you're doing wrong they're going to preach at you until you change your ways. i hate the judgemental assumption though that just because i'm pretty serious about God i'm going to be judgemental. they're doing the same thing that they get angry with other people for: judging, labeling, stereotyping. ugh some people might judge..many people do, but it's ME! i don't care if you've backslidden so far you can't get up, i love you i love you i love you...and putting out your cigerette out before i notice, or acting like something else to be accepted...isn't going to change the fact that i could care less about who you are trying to be... i just want to know who you are...
it really doesn't make me so angry as much as it saddens me. it aches me that i know people who feel they have to be something else in order to be accepted. they feel they have to believe what everyone else believes, and hide what they do if it doesn't add up to what goes on around them. i guess that's one of the problems in the Body today... too many people are hiding their "booboo" and if they share, the church gets mad and instead of carressing the wound they slap on a band-aid and send them on their way. this happens not only to christians but to the lost as well... the lost come in for some care and we stick up our noses and ask them to cleanse that wound a little before they come near our holy selves. there's a lost, dying, aching people out there and we're worried about seeing a little drop of blood fall on the sanctuary floor or perhaps getting a tear stain on our shirts.... shewt... we're never going to see the Body glorified.
how about we all stop giving out those judgemental glances... i'm not gonna judge the lost, nor the found... don't either of you judge me... i'm doing my best to follow Christ and heck..i may mess up, but i'm gonna forgive you...forgive me... nobody's just like anybody else...
God forgive us... fill our hearts with a sincere love for all people in all situations of life... and let people know who i am and to whom i belong by the way that i love...
what's 'beautiful' anyway?
the purpose of this entry begins sunday (maybe saturday) afternoon.... like i said in my previous entry, i'm a pretty casual dresser, however, this weekend i've had a slight change of style and i guess it caught people a little off guard. my normally straight unkempt hair transformed into shirley temple curls...i traded in my everyday t-shirt for a somewhat fitting black top with a shimmery, lacy tube top looking thing underneath... my baggy ill-fitting boy pants were disgarded for some nice dark-grey dress pants...and my scrappy, brown flipflops were replaced with knee-high boots with 3-inch heels... not to mention i even used a little more make-up than usual...
well, the comments i received deemed the new attire pretty acceptable... yes, i think i recieved more compliments in the last two days than i have in my entire life altogether... for instance, yesterday, while attending a very good friend's ordination service, i found from a reliable source that i was noticed and questioned about by more than one person of the opposite gender (4!).... i still am not positive how that makes me feel. i just don't understand why they'd ask about me... ...hmm...i like it that nobody hit on me or tried to 'pick me up'... or anything like that... just asked about me... kind of sweet... really encouraging too.... except for the fact that nobody(that i know of) has ever asked about me when i'm dressed in my baggy pants and loose t-shirts... can't i be beautiful in those things too?
hmm... maybe the whole world doesn't see simply your looks... tonight, as i was walking down the road having a little bit of a conversation with God, a friend pulled up and we spoke for a sec, but then he said, "has anyone ever told you you're beautiful? ...i just wanted to leave you with that." and then he sped away... it was completely unexpected...i was wearing some baggy, ski-looking pants and a sweatshirt...i'd been walking for a while and it was drizzly so my hair was just a tad out of sorts... how can i be beautiful in those things too? i had tears in my eyes when i thought about it right afterwards...why? (besides the fact that it was unbelievably sweet and surprising) i really can't see what other people see... i mean...i wouldn't call myself ugly, but can i call myself beautiful....? hmm.. it doesn't matter so much i guess...it shouldn't .. maybe i really don't understand what beautiful is anyway... the world measures it by your outward appearance and the Lord measures it by your heart and christians have messed with it until it's something in between.... i wonder if my heart is beautiful to God?... so often i find myself accidently wishing He would tell me i'm physcially beautiful, and He whispers, "silly girl, your outward appearance has no affect on the way i see you... it's your heart i'm after... i'm in love with your heart.." it just seems even christians have bought into the lie that you have to look and dress a certain way to be accepted... and in doing so they only accept people that look the part... ugh.. i really do struggle sometimes with identifying who i am with what i look like even though i know they really have no comparison...*sigh* the thought processes of the modern christian woman deal so often with sifting out the images the world has attempted to label her with...and replacing them with the thoughts Christ has of her.... oh, the satisfaction that comes in realizing what God Almighty looks at you and sees.... i am the most beautiful, intricate, uniquely designed creation which He knows by name and calls upon to hear His voice and do His works... stotrum stotrum for He is good and awesome, and the Lover of my soul... ...and when He looks at me, my heart is all He sees...
well, the comments i received deemed the new attire pretty acceptable... yes, i think i recieved more compliments in the last two days than i have in my entire life altogether... for instance, yesterday, while attending a very good friend's ordination service, i found from a reliable source that i was noticed and questioned about by more than one person of the opposite gender (4!).... i still am not positive how that makes me feel. i just don't understand why they'd ask about me... ...hmm...i like it that nobody hit on me or tried to 'pick me up'... or anything like that... just asked about me... kind of sweet... really encouraging too.... except for the fact that nobody(that i know of) has ever asked about me when i'm dressed in my baggy pants and loose t-shirts... can't i be beautiful in those things too?
hmm... maybe the whole world doesn't see simply your looks... tonight, as i was walking down the road having a little bit of a conversation with God, a friend pulled up and we spoke for a sec, but then he said, "has anyone ever told you you're beautiful? ...i just wanted to leave you with that." and then he sped away... it was completely unexpected...i was wearing some baggy, ski-looking pants and a sweatshirt...i'd been walking for a while and it was drizzly so my hair was just a tad out of sorts... how can i be beautiful in those things too? i had tears in my eyes when i thought about it right afterwards...why? (besides the fact that it was unbelievably sweet and surprising) i really can't see what other people see... i mean...i wouldn't call myself ugly, but can i call myself beautiful....? hmm.. it doesn't matter so much i guess...it shouldn't .. maybe i really don't understand what beautiful is anyway... the world measures it by your outward appearance and the Lord measures it by your heart and christians have messed with it until it's something in between.... i wonder if my heart is beautiful to God?... so often i find myself accidently wishing He would tell me i'm physcially beautiful, and He whispers, "silly girl, your outward appearance has no affect on the way i see you... it's your heart i'm after... i'm in love with your heart.." it just seems even christians have bought into the lie that you have to look and dress a certain way to be accepted... and in doing so they only accept people that look the part... ugh.. i really do struggle sometimes with identifying who i am with what i look like even though i know they really have no comparison...*sigh* the thought processes of the modern christian woman deal so often with sifting out the images the world has attempted to label her with...and replacing them with the thoughts Christ has of her.... oh, the satisfaction that comes in realizing what God Almighty looks at you and sees.... i am the most beautiful, intricate, uniquely designed creation which He knows by name and calls upon to hear His voice and do His works... stotrum stotrum for He is good and awesome, and the Lover of my soul... ...and when He looks at me, my heart is all He sees...
Monday, October 18, 2004
these our the days of our lives
honestly, i've never seen that show, so perhaps my assumptions are wrong, but i've always related the phrase to those days that i deem deserving of outstanding theme music and slow motion video shots. the past two days have been such for me; the days of my life. I wouldn't say they've been the absolute two most perfect days ever...that's definitely not the case, however... i would say that they have been, shall i say, satisfying for me..not just in the events that took place, but the lessons i learned as well.
now, for the most part, i'm a pretty casual dresser who loves to wear pretty baggy clothes and t-shirts... but homecoming occured this past weekend for our school and i was blessed to be able to take a part in it as he Freshman Attendant, so i thought it might be interesting to make a little change...at least for a day. did a little make-up playing and primped up my hair.... no sweat... a little awkward though because...who am i to dress like a lady? and who am i to walk like a woman? ...for some reason, although i don't usually admit it, i enjoy putting on those feminine clothes which impress upon me to bounce with enthusiasm while i walk with purpose and sureity. odd enough, i think i can actually pull it off sometimes... and one of those times was this weekend, if i may say so myself...
homecoming was a definite success...my brother as escort and i as the attendent walked pretty awkwardly onto the field...err..our feet didn't line up...but i really didn't think it was that big of a deal. then, in attempt to pull a smooth move, he caught me off guard and i, in attempt to follow him, ended up on the wrong side of him, so standing off to the side as other girls were announced...we had to switch. 1...2...3...go... it worked out okay...then we realized we weren't precisely at the position we thought we might supposed to be so 1...2...3... we backed up slowly and steadily....i'm sure out of nearly 1000 people not too many noticed us correcting our mistakes...
then it was on to the homecoming dance... in a new outfit of course consisting of silk maroon pants, black top, and cord jacket.... honestly, i felt perhaps a tad overdressed upon entry, however, as i walked through the flowing streamers that covered the doorway and witnessed the people giving way on the dance floor, the uneasiness left me and i began an attempt to find some recognizable faces.... the difficulty of this feat was tremendous, considering the entire gym was filled with a measly group of maybe two dozen people max.... after the extent of perhaps thirty seconds (amazingly) i found some friends and made some simple greetings; hellos, how are yous, hugs, etc..
as i stood amidst the rounds of socializing, i was soon approached by a friend of nearly a year who surprisingly had some something meaningful to say. not that he would be incapable of saying meaningul things...just that he would...to me specifically. after a friendly hug and some light, friendly carresses, such as a squeeze of the hand, he confessed that he thoroughly enjoyed my presence on campus and priviledged me with being known as a "light of the world." i was unmistakably blessed by these words of encouragement and, in fact, a bit stunned. i really had nothing intelligent to say back, but made an effort ...pretty much failed... i'm not so good at those awkward moments where i know i should say something, but really don't have a clue what to say... but i did thank him and mentioned that it meant a lot that he would say such things... i'm hoping he got the idea... he sure does love the Lord a lot and i thoroughly enjoy talking to anyone who loves the Lord...it would be an interesting venture if he allowed me into his thoughts of God....
the dance was not so pleasurable to me as i'm sure it was to some people. the vulgar secular music that blared hideously out of those speakers isn't usually the first on my preference list and, after discussing with a friend how compromising it is for us as christians to dance and play to something completely contrary to our beliefs, i took it upon myself to leave. there was really only one place that i knew i wanted to be at that moment and it was in the little chapel on my knees before my loving God... so off i ran, free and light in the chilly, quietness of the night.... i threw open the door, flipped on the lights..and as the door swung itself shut, i plunged myself to the foot of the cross.... peace...Complete Peace... the kind of peace i can only find in Christ... a flooding, overwhelming, wonderful peace that comes only when i am completely transparent with Him... but it was so relaxing...spending that time with Him as i would any other friend...
this day ends with the happy praiseful tunes of Blessed Be Your Name fading out into the background...stotrum for all the wonderous works He does...
theresahomecoming
now, for the most part, i'm a pretty casual dresser who loves to wear pretty baggy clothes and t-shirts... but homecoming occured this past weekend for our school and i was blessed to be able to take a part in it as he Freshman Attendant, so i thought it might be interesting to make a little change...at least for a day. did a little make-up playing and primped up my hair.... no sweat... a little awkward though because...who am i to dress like a lady? and who am i to walk like a woman? ...for some reason, although i don't usually admit it, i enjoy putting on those feminine clothes which impress upon me to bounce with enthusiasm while i walk with purpose and sureity. odd enough, i think i can actually pull it off sometimes... and one of those times was this weekend, if i may say so myself...
homecoming was a definite success...my brother as escort and i as the attendent walked pretty awkwardly onto the field...err..our feet didn't line up...but i really didn't think it was that big of a deal. then, in attempt to pull a smooth move, he caught me off guard and i, in attempt to follow him, ended up on the wrong side of him, so standing off to the side as other girls were announced...we had to switch. 1...2...3...go... it worked out okay...then we realized we weren't precisely at the position we thought we might supposed to be so 1...2...3... we backed up slowly and steadily....i'm sure out of nearly 1000 people not too many noticed us correcting our mistakes...
then it was on to the homecoming dance... in a new outfit of course consisting of silk maroon pants, black top, and cord jacket.... honestly, i felt perhaps a tad overdressed upon entry, however, as i walked through the flowing streamers that covered the doorway and witnessed the people giving way on the dance floor, the uneasiness left me and i began an attempt to find some recognizable faces.... the difficulty of this feat was tremendous, considering the entire gym was filled with a measly group of maybe two dozen people max.... after the extent of perhaps thirty seconds (amazingly) i found some friends and made some simple greetings; hellos, how are yous, hugs, etc..
as i stood amidst the rounds of socializing, i was soon approached by a friend of nearly a year who surprisingly had some something meaningful to say. not that he would be incapable of saying meaningul things...just that he would...to me specifically. after a friendly hug and some light, friendly carresses, such as a squeeze of the hand, he confessed that he thoroughly enjoyed my presence on campus and priviledged me with being known as a "light of the world." i was unmistakably blessed by these words of encouragement and, in fact, a bit stunned. i really had nothing intelligent to say back, but made an effort ...pretty much failed... i'm not so good at those awkward moments where i know i should say something, but really don't have a clue what to say... but i did thank him and mentioned that it meant a lot that he would say such things... i'm hoping he got the idea... he sure does love the Lord a lot and i thoroughly enjoy talking to anyone who loves the Lord...it would be an interesting venture if he allowed me into his thoughts of God....
the dance was not so pleasurable to me as i'm sure it was to some people. the vulgar secular music that blared hideously out of those speakers isn't usually the first on my preference list and, after discussing with a friend how compromising it is for us as christians to dance and play to something completely contrary to our beliefs, i took it upon myself to leave. there was really only one place that i knew i wanted to be at that moment and it was in the little chapel on my knees before my loving God... so off i ran, free and light in the chilly, quietness of the night.... i threw open the door, flipped on the lights..and as the door swung itself shut, i plunged myself to the foot of the cross.... peace...Complete Peace... the kind of peace i can only find in Christ... a flooding, overwhelming, wonderful peace that comes only when i am completely transparent with Him... but it was so relaxing...spending that time with Him as i would any other friend...
this day ends with the happy praiseful tunes of Blessed Be Your Name fading out into the background...stotrum for all the wonderous works He does...
theresahomecoming
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