directions

it's again christmas eve... i was looking back on my blogs... i wrote this time last year a slight summary of my reflections over the past year...

it is soon to be 2009.

i remember waiting so long for 2008.
this year...i graduated college...began my first career. ..or the first of my careers...something like that. i put a lot of hope into something that fell through sometime in september... honestly (and somewhat unfortunately) those three things are where the majority of my time, thoughts, and emotions were spent. the Lord's done alot tho... it surprises me that it's been about a year and 4 months now since he rescued me from 'the darkness.' even if, by my writings, it seemed i was closer to him at the end of last year than i am now it is still true that: He is faithful, He is real, and He is always my rescuer.

i think some things i've learned are 1)i don't really know what i want...and 2) a steady prayer life might just be the most essential thing in my life.

i think since i've started my job and become more comfortable in the hospital i realize (or just think) that i'm going to want to study more...maybe public health or tropical medicine seeing as how helping the poor is my goal... i mean...art would be interesting too, to be honest... maybe i could study photography...journalism....geez... maybe i could skip studying all together and finish my year of practice here and go on and start working in the fields of africa or wherever...

the doors are endless...but which one do i want to take? it's unreal....

again, i think looking at all my options and even looking at the options i've taken already only magnifies the importance of a regular and consistant prayer life...if i focus on one thing for the next 6 months i think it should be prayer.

i'm sort of desperate...
i want to know what i was made for...
i want to know Him...

searching for meaning

...there's a few moments in life where i'm blinded.. when my eyes meet true beauty...my surroundings turn to dust....
...when i look upon a masterpiece...art or otherwise...
...when i hear a song that somehow touches my soul...
i want to create like that... open realms so others can experience with their eyes, ears, heart what they couldn't initially...
i want to create beauty.
i want to be beauty... ah, now... maybe that's the hindrance.

i want to be found.

another dream

yesterday (i work night shift so i sleep in the day)...i had a dream...

i was walking out from maybe a family gathering or maybe just my grandma's old house...the one i grew up in i think. i guess we were visiting, but when i walked out I noticed the moon was setting rather fast to the right. and it was also a little larger than usual. ....it was still daylight too... or maybe with the moon that close that's how bright it was... so i kept watching. soon the sky was dark and stars ..like meteor showers.. came out of the sky...one star landed in the ocean that randomly appeared a ways in front of me. it seemed that the earth was off course. no telling how long before the worldly demise that would of course occur. it was only a matter of time before heat and fire swept over the land from being too close to the sun...either that or ice from being too far away... i thought a giant circle in the sky was mars, but then...for sure i saw the moon on fire in the sky...it was taking up quite a bit of space...much closer than before. i remember the sense of urgency i felt when i cried out for the lost of the earth...how i felt anxious because i knew there were only moments now.... how i should have prayed with this same urgency hours, days, years earlier.... if only i had known. i think i grabbed some strangers and asked if they knew the Lord. even now i feel sick at the lack of urgency and the quite possible need for it in my life.... in the midst of this, i wondered if he would call me...one last goodbye... i knew i was probably the last thing on his mind...now it makes me sick that i even cared....
...you could feel the earth spinning... the feeling of the oncoming peril... i begged for mercy... do i know Him well enough?


...i wanna know your word
...i wanna speak your truth
...i wanna show the world that they can be loved by you

...so tell me what matters
...tell me what you want me to see
...tell me what matters on the span of eternity

fear

"i feel sick and tired...of being uninspired." -some song....



...Lord, I need you to carry me. My heart is sick...and it hurts...and it feels so empty...

every now and then, in a moment, i feel it whisper that hope still lives... when for a second i realize a patient has seen me...has seen that i care more deeply than the needle i have to stick them with... for a moment i feel that i love and that a person receives my love... ah, but Lord... i want a love that is deep...a love that is real... a naked love...

i don't know how to love... not for real. to be open. to reveal all. i'm too scared. too embarrassed by the scars of my core. to trust! to lie my head against an arm that i'm confident will never leave... to bear all openness through my eyes... to let my heart be searched... to find someone willing to put the time in to search me out... to find my fit...to find real friendship... chances. chances.

Lord, my heart is sick...and it hurts....

banks of purity

if i could take you back could you remember
times of you and me
times when we were young and poor
times when we were free

by the water's edge
at that bank of purity
in that clear reflection
can you see you, can you see me

you've always been my protection
always been my friend
and i can't help but wonder when
when we let the darkness in

cuz i still see you sitting there
with the sunlight shinin in your hair
your eyes as bright as heaven's light
when did we let the darkness in

(repeat first 3 verses)

cuz i still see you sitting there
with the sunlight shinin in your hair
your heart as light as the sun is bright
when did we let the darkness in

things just aren't like the used to be
reasons being unknown to me
life creeps in like a man that's mean
all of a sudden you're away from me


[probably will be edited]


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a love song

this is life
won't it do
or is there something you think
i'm keeping from you

i'm not one of those

those other lovers, they may take the time
to buy you flowers, pour you wine
i want to give you something real
something real

i'm not one of those lovers
that takes your hopes
then wraps my loving hands
around your naked throat

i won't steal life from you
no i won't

those other lovers they just won't do
they end up keeping me so far from you
i want to give you something real
something real

so i'll pick up the pieces - take the time
to mend your heart and claim that you're mine
i want you
i want you
you're real

i'm not one of those lovers you see
i'll teach you what real love can be
i'll love you, i'll scrub you, i'll make you clean
i'll set you on high so others can see
my love
your love
our love

my love

let go

sometimes you just have to let go. you fight it. you ignore it. you get pissed at it. you try to manipulate the circumstances so you can keep it. but either you can let it go easy..or you can let it go painfully.. one way or another it has to go...

it's time to let go.

try and imagine it like this.

you have hold of this rope. this rope that leads to life right? it is your lifesaver. your answer. the wind is strong. the waters, high and wild. the skies, dark. you have such a tight hold that to pull it away from you would pull flesh. you've been holding for so long that even to let go would mean painful extraction of a part of you...you've grown around it. ....but let go. you're not drowning. your feet are on the boat. and there is no one in the water. you don't need saving. you've already been saved. ....so He stands there, watching you...watching you grow into this rope... beckoning you to let go...go eat with Him on the deck...go below and enjoy Him...stand at the wheel and enjoy the wind and the sun... let go...and live.