i'm a fish

i can't imagine being a fish.
especially the one living in my own little bowl.

i try to pull the shades up for him so he can see some light,
i don't always remember to, but he doesn't really respond to it...

he swims around this one piece of plant in his world.
sometimes he races around and the little balls on his waterbed jump up.
i like it when he does that, because it makes me think he's playing.

i want my fish to be happy, but i'm afraid his world is too small.
how can he be happy in that small little world.

i probably feed him too much, but i never want him to be hungry.

sometimes i try to talk to him, but he never really responds.
maybe someday he will.

i think if i was in a little bowl with so boring a landscape,
such cold hard walls, and nobody to chill with
and some big person tapped on the jar to speak with me
i'd make all efforts to show them i was interested,
but that's just me.

i just can't imagine being a fish.
especially the one in my own little bowl.

lonely. not me.

today i had a good day. i saw a movie all alone. it was a movie about something that had happened in the world...through a child's eyes. it was really interesting. i was so happy to be there. experiencing someone else's experience. sort of. i sat among people who i felt also wanted to share in the child's life. to see something outside of their world. to care for a moment about another's trials/troubles/world. i feel a part of something bigger than myself at these movies. a part of a giant earth. but i laughed out loud (being myself) too loud and someone turned to look at me like i was abnormal. and i realized maybe not everyone was ready for that intimate connection of being friends and family. of being fond of one another's differences...oh well.

i left this film to sit in the sun and enjoy my book.
i sat for a while. having difficulties focusing sometimes due to the brightness.
a man approached me...obviously a bit down trodden. ...a dude that probably hung out with the homeless.

"hey.. nice day out for reading?" he says.
(why is this strange guy talking to me?)
"yes...the sun is nice." i say....looking at him sideways from my book.
"i saw you sitting here all by yourself." he says.
(oh...what does he want from me? is he hitting on me?)
"yes...i like to read." i say....glancing at him and then burrowing in my book... a bit afraid?
he hesitates....
"yeah..so. .... .. i thought i'd come say hi.... i thought you might be lonely" he says.
(no..i will not go out with you...please don't come closer, please don't touch me.)
"no...i'm not lonely." i say...... maybe another glance..and holding my book closer to my face as if to show that i had company and wasn't alone...
"oh...well..have a nice day" he says
"you too." i say.... half smiling as he walked away.

as he walked...(being wary of him in case he looks back...or comes back)...i glanced after him. then i stared after him. nearly aching. nearly going after him. what if he doesn't have the friends or family or acquaintances that listen so well or care so much like the ones that I have? what if he goes home to no one....or nothing...? what if it's just him?

...what if HE was lonely?

a day to decision

here's the challenge. what do you want? your ultimate sketch of a possible life.

it's kind of hard to do.

for me:
there's the lure of Oregon's beauty...adventure and familiarity...
the extreme wilds of following a doctor in Africa...
the sophistication of studying in Europe...
the comfort and safe environment to grow @ home...
the test of patience and trust to stay where I am...

Lord, your will?

geez. my eyes are wide open. what's the story going to be, hey?

what do i want?

direction...

i'm a bit afraid...
very likely going to africa at the end of the year..
it calls me you know... the people... the adventure...
...the hope for opportunity to change the world..
however small that change may be...it'd be nice to make a positive mark on the world...
the fear is...that if i'm not happy here...i won't be happy there either...
the thing is...i am happy here...
until i start listening to the insecurities that hide inside me...
but i've been learning to say no to them :)
i think sometimes my emotions get the best of me.
and i think when i see him sometimes i feel i'm not enough...
and that feeling sticks with me for a few days...
i kind of hate that.
i make silly decisions because of that...because of the way i feel...

my hope is bigger than that...
my dreams are bigger than that...
my purpose is bigger than that...
my heart is stronger than that...
my God loves more than that...

help me remember....

i'm not done with you

i was driving home today... driving and looking for some hope in the song i was listening to, in the hills i was passing, in the One i was speaking to... and we hadn't been talking for long.. but all of a sudden i was overwhelmed by the sense that He said "i'm not done with you..." "i'm not giving up on you..." it wrapped around me as thick and real as a blanket would have. sometimes He's real like that. sometimes He's close like that. it's so shameful how often/easily i'm distracted from Him... the mountain of God looms ahead of me, a promise and purpose as real as you and i...."keep climbing" He says. the roadside promises are distractors.

it's like when you're headed to a big attraction in the middle of nowhere..typically, along the way there will be these side stops promising the best "souveniers" and "gifts" that nobody else has... if you stop, it only postpones you from the experience that you ultimately drove for. if you stop, you only end up spending more money than you intended...and it takes away from the time you would have spent at 'your goal.'

hey lord...help me keep my eyes on the prize... my eyes on You. ...because You are the prize. You are the purpose. and all these sidestops are lies and only fractions of what You are....
thanks for not being through with me....

i must...

right? i must...?

the fear rises in me...
the hopes of my life rise...
like a mountain
luminous and unsurpassed in stature...
"the call of the wild"
no less wild than my wildest dreams...

i fear...
i fear i'll find my dreams were never meant to be...
i fear i'll find those things i hoped for most weren't for me..
i fear...my wildest dreams will never be...

a story of humility...

i was talking to my roommate. we sat side by side on my bed and discussed our different dreams of purpose and future.
she, dedicated to the poor of spirit...
and i, to the poor of the world...

i remember.
i remember sitting in front of a woman. she was loosely dressed in a dirt stained rose colored sari. her eyes were beady and moist. her nose sunken in. her hands clubbed and broken with stumps meant for fingers and wounds crusted over. her dark hair matted and pulled back. her tiny frame with wrinkles melting on the edges of her cloth, her smile lost in the ones on her face. and tears. tears glistened on her cheeks. she knelt before me.
i wept.

i didn't know how to change the things i saw. the overgrown houses with broken boards and mats laid out for beds. a dozen people fit into a room the size of mine. at least one mat of each room was occupied by someone immobile and unaware. people gathered their only possessions of dirty pots and pictures of family around and underneath a cot, if they had one. some places stank of urine.... one man: Balam. i still see him rocking. moaning. "always in pain" says a leper behind us. "if you help one man, please help him." i wanted magic to pour out from heaven and touch this man. i wanted hope to flood out. i wanted healing to drown these broken people. these people ostracized from their families, exempt from joining the rest of the world....
i wept.
and that monster of a woman...
she wiped my tears with her disfigured paw.
she wiped them. smiled the brightest smile. and through her disfigured mouth and another's voice she told me:
"i thank God for becoming a leper. because if i had never gotten leprosy i would never have known him..."

and here i sit...in unconditional love from family, in health and wealth....and sometimes i have trouble praising the Lord.

i realize...i am helpless. i am a tool. a beloved tool.

i want to be where the lepers are. where the unwanted are. where the forgotten are. will i ever know God like they do?

change...

someday.
someday things will change.
no names will have a name.
food won't be a tool in government games
to get things their own way...
people will have a voice
people will have things to say
about poverty and freedom
about who in power should stay
bellies won't bulge
and arms will grow strong....
everybody'll be singing
and everybody'll sing along
to inequality and poverty
as something in our history
something real, not make-believe
eyes will open to the lies
greed will be undisguised
and hope will rise...
hope that people love
in something more than self
hope that people want
for something more than wealth

i hope someday i help things change...

so many words bouncing around my head

i worked last night. 7p-7a. more like 6:47p to 7:38a. infectious disease nurse. one woman who's been working as long as me might get hired to be an 'infectious disease specialist' in a local clinic. i was kind of surprised. ... i didn't know that kind of status would be available to newcomers like ourselves. kind of impressive. maybe i really am educated with some useful experience.
i get off work and go to get my 6month TB skin test due to our increased exposure on my unit. hopefully i'll remember to get it checked friday. the chance of a positive result is so slim. they should be testing my stool for VRE honestly. i won't go into details of why i'm highly likely negative for that as well.

i got home and decided to accompany the eliptical for a while. took a week and a half off for my birthday from exercising and my tummy can tell. ...i later read about the happenings in the world on BBC News ...i went to sleep thinking there's so much unrest. so much greed. so many technological and medical advancements. so much good that we could do.

i woke up to attend a lecture about sustainability (whatever that means [or meant]) ...

[note to self: >40* = perfectly good bike riding temp]

i think very often when i am faced head on with someone passionate about their cause/issue/beliefs i am also faced head on with some very oppositional emotions to varying aspects of their arguments. i can associate with the feeling of agreement. i can associate with the feeling of doubt, skepticism, or simply uncertainty. i can also be completely clueless. i think all of these are good. i think i can learn from and in all of these emotions.

during this lecture i wrote down words. words like: sustainable agriculture, globalization, capitalism, centralization, earth democracy, greed, poverty. i wrote down issues like: a gas leak in india, and the punjab conflicts. you know, i'm not even sure what all these entail or mean...much less, what they mean to me.

why do we have to internationalize our produce? why can't we grow locally and independently?

i left the lecture and went to a local coffee house for some food and drink... read some of Infections and Inequalities that so stirs me. ...so much of what Dr. Shiva discussed reminded me of the fight of Paul Farmer and vice versa. It's all linked. It seems to be. Agricultural Sustainability. Government-Supported Monopolies. Disputes/Uprisings in Africa. Poverty. Tuberculosis. HIV.

it's like governments are scheming from those most vulnerable...reducing them to poverty so they are more dependent...so they can be used as tools to be worked until death so that some man some where can sit atop his thrown of "success" and "prosperity."

who's winning here? it seems like there are so many injustices. so many human rights taken away if you don't have 'buying rights' a.k.a. money. who decided someone owns the water? the air? the land? i don't really know the balance of these things, but why are people exploited... used as tools? ..as experiments? as door maps and stepping stones...
where is the outrage that should come with injustice? or maybe just a little discomfort? ...maybe that's where the ignorance comes from... the discomfort. i think sometimes we choose ignorance over knowledge due to the call to action that knowledge might assume or the guilt that comes when action doesn't.

i'm learning so much. from Paul Farmer. from these lectures. from the people of Communality. from the films of the One World Film Festival. there are so many words i don't understand. so much of my faith i haven't linked my hands around. i want to be the change i want to see in the world, and i think i'm learning down the the basics of what that change might be.

i wonder...should i be preparing to go? or do i need to stay...maybe study? patience.

I left the coffee shop buzzing and aroused with incitement. i watched the moon for a bit and remembered i hadn't had time for it in a while. i watched two trains pass eachother. i watched the lights of the city. i pedaled my bike proudly knowing i was getting exercise and not polluting anything, feeling lush in my black coat and earrings.

hope.

hope.

hope.

23

so it's been my first day being 23.
it was so nice!

my big brother asked me if i wanted to go see a play like weeks ago...

so today i woke up and realized i had come home and forgot to bring anything to wear that was nice and classy...so i had to go find something BEFORE we left.

so finally i find this black dress with buttons on the front and black tights to go beneath it and i borrowed a girl's shoes because i had nothing. i was sharp :)

anyways... so we go see this play in louisville... we were late for the one show so we ended up walking around the streets (freezing!!) but stopping in for coffee at a place and wandering around to look at art exhibits and the science museum. we checked out how the flood season is in the amazon and how to build a dome and a bridge and then we played with this cool crane thing and built a...pile :) ...

then we raced to see a shadow puppet thing before the play...it was funny because it was one dude, a cut out pirate ship, 3 kids and maybe 3 adults. nice. then we went downstairs to enjoy some crabcakes and a couple beers...luckily they didn't card my bro even tho he's over 21..(he forgot his license) ... it's funny cuz all the girls thought we were on a date...they'd check him and then look at me and never look back at him..haha.... we had such great conversation and he's so nice and chivalrous. i love my brother.

the play started and it was SO Great!~ full of adventure and excitement and romance...and really funny too. loved it.

after it was over we drove home and went to see the end of a friends concert and played ping pong. then we went to another friends house and just chilled listening to music and playing chess. i was getting sleepy and i think i had a fever most of the day but i really had such a good time. i really enjoyed it more than i've enjoyed anything in a long time.

i really love my brother :)