deja vu

i feel so dark... and hopeless i guess... kind of pointless...
i want to call someone up and ask them if they believe in me... but already know what they'll say... of course they do... "but theresa... you've got to believe in yourself first..." how's that again? how do you overcome this? i haven't felt like this for a while... it's hard to hope when shades of grey are creeping in... i'm really too emotional... too sensitive... too unstable... i feel wasted...
they say praise gets you out of the depths... well what if i haven't the strength to look beyond my own circumstance... what if i don't want out because i'm afraid there really isn't an out... or that out never remains...and always falls away... just like people.

this is like deja vu of the dark ages...

patience

yeah... i think i'm a little depressed @ the moment... i felt so inadequate today. i have to remind myself that chris is used to having to direct... since he has no control over himself it makes the opportunity to "control" someone else uh...necessary. i can't imagine having to depend on someone else for everything...

esperar

i want you...and i don't understand why you won't come for me... maybe you're trying and i just can't see...but... be bold, will you? and be straight with me... don't play games... i want something strong in my life... i can't lean on this... am i hoping in air? am i setting my sights on fantasies? or are you just struggling to break through to me? i think you've had enough time to decide if you really want me... i guess if you're still struggling to decide that then ..maybe it's not right.
you know..maybe i'm obsessive or mentally retarded to hold out for so long..i dunno...for one, there were little snigbits of hope i thought... second, you're really something... you're really an amazing person. i love so many things about you it's unreal... i just don't want to let you go...or the hopes of you anyway... i'm sure you don't feel the same way about me... and i'm probably just insane for feeling this way for so long.... it just seemed like you were coming around... always. it seemed like in the next moment you'd decide to chase me... kinda like you're on a trip and you wonder if you're lost but you feel at any moment you'll recognize where the hell you are and so you get yourself a million miles out of route...
what am i waiting for?

scared

why do i feel so lost? so separate?
i just don't understand... i feel like i don't add up...like i don't have what it takes...
Lord, i love you! so why do i feel so isolated from the other people that love you? like..i feel stained or crooked next to them.. or at least i feel like that's what they see... and then the people that i should see as stained or crooked..i just see them as people...doin their thing... i mean...i disagree with stuff... but i love the people... and i don't see them as marked...or dead... i just want to know them...hang out... be friends... love them... ...but then i guess that's a lie too because there's people like her...who i don't have time for all the time.. because i need to breathe...and feel free... and not feel judged if i decide to mention that i had 2 beers tonight...and didn't fast like i said i would...
why can't people just be real... ...so i say..but maybe i'm just as fake as the first one...and as much a liar as the last...
is there any hope? really? ...for real and solid relations...with freedom and trust....to just be.

and i'm so stinking scared... i just don't think i'm strong enough.. to see him.. with her... i know it's so weak...so freaking weak... and silly and lame and ridiculous... but ...i haven't seen him in over a year... and i'm scared... i'm scared it will hurt. i'm scared i'll remember. i'm scared he won't look at me. i'm scared i'll look empty or lonely. i'm scared he'll talk to me. i'm scared he won't. gosh, why the hell does it matter anyway? ...it's weird that i made him go and i'm the one that has the issues afterwards... i sure as hell don't want him... but why does he get to be so happy?

can i ache for strong constant arms to be around me and a steady voice to tell me i'm worth it without being weak and desperate?
i just don't understand why i'm so protective against feeling sensitive or feminine or desirable....
i guess i'm just scared....

???

here i am..graduate...fixing to start working at the huddle house for the summer...gonna take the nclex ASAP... don't really want to do nursing..still... what the hell am i thinking? i think i'm just restless for adventure and nursing is going to require me to stay put for a year or so more... damn... lord...reach me...

one step closer to RN

i just thought i'd fill you in... today is the day i've been working towards the last 2 years...
honestly i didn't expect to be here...
geez.
it's the pinning ceremony... 8 hours and counting down...
we practiced yesterday and i just couldn't believe it...

but regardless of my successes i'm still wondering what i'm going to do with myself...

i think i've drank at least a glass a night for the last 3 or 4....celebration week yeah? but i feel a little lacking... i'm not sure... last night i met this stinkin cool guy...i KNEW he would be cool to meet...i don't know how i just knew it but i did... i sorta ditched my friends to chill with him and listen to music and talk about traveling and such... but he's a real interesting book... i want to read a couple more chapters at least....

i don't want to drink alot...i want to indulge in relationships...in talents...in life...in the lord...
am i slipping?
naa...

i don't want to miss out on something just because i'm a little tipsy...
...or something miss out on me because it thinks i am....

i couldn't have made it this far without the Lord....
He's been my hope... if not my foundation...
maybe He wants more than this... i'm sure... but what is more?

love lullaby