light

if i
could put away my mind
stand up and run blind
i'd run to you

but i
still see all the lines
i'm sposed to stand behind
my feet don't move

i'll stand and look upon
the sin and pain we've caused
and barely turn a shade
of blue

some times we need
a voice to intervene
and shake us from the grave we drew

and hands to take and hold
the innocent we have sold
to make our own dreams come true

so truth run into mine
and break the lies i stand behind
open my eyes so i'm not so blind
so i'll see you...

grasps

i had a dream
he was in love with someone chasing theirs
someone creative, fun...and pure...
and i was off doin my blind thing
walking lost in mazes..
trying to figure out the game..
running from someone behind me..
trapped in corners and retracing my steps
doing things i'd already done, and yet...
eventually i found my way out.
i saw her paintings, searched her out...
still wasn't happy with what i found..

a storm's a'coming you see
that's what it feels like to me
one way or another, things have to change
i want to go up, not down
swim, not drown
in this place
in this race

so dry heart, sing
wild heart, be free
mind, let go of all the lies you see
look up to the Crown
stop looking down
your feet don't hold the answers...

dry heart, sing
wild heart, be free
mind, let go of all these lies you see
and pray. pray to the King.

negative thinking...

i was just looking at some old blogs of some old friends. ...
and thinking too much about this dude...

i feel bad about the last years of mine and s.m.'s friendship.
i wish i could go back and do things right.
i just wish i could have been a little stronger...and made better decisions.
before a few years ago, i don't think i used to think so negatively about my past.
some people don't regret. i regret.
mostly i regret hurting people.

i wish i didn't think so often of myself.
i wish i thought more of myself.

i wish i wasn't so hesitant.
i wish i wasn't so impulsive.

i wish i was strong....

i hate it when i don't know what other people want me to do sometimes...
i hate it when i don't know what i want to do sometimes...

i despise how i allow myself to think so much and get so anxious over situations that another person probably doesn't give a shit about.

sometimes... i wish i could run away..
sometimes... i wish i could pinch people really hard... maybe that would wake them up.

i hate doubting myself.

....

...

i'm going to go run.

..

i'm still waiting for more...

i feel like something mossed over...something that needs unearthed.
...those kind of things just wait around.. they don't tell anyone to come and find them, but of course all they want is found.

so find me, won't you already?
find me...

you fill my heart with hope
my hands with purpose
my life with good and beautiful things
thank you for always finding me.

surprisingly real good black bean soup

i was experimenting with some different things and this turned out awesome and i thought i'd share it (and keep it somewhere for later use):

~1 lb. hamburger
1 can black beans
1 can mushroom soup
1 can corn
2 cans tomatoes + spicy green chiles
3 sticks of celery, chopped
1 handful baby carrots, chopped
sprinkled in some dried chopped onions, maybe a teaspoon+
sprinkled in some dried chopped red chile peppers, maybe a teaspoon+
i used all the liquids in all the cans and also added:
~1 1/2 can of water

i browned the hamburger while i chopped up the veggies, then put it all together in one of those automatic rice cookers. put it on cook and left it for 20-30 minutes. (until the veggies were soft)
i also made some biscuits to go with it. it's good and it was surprisingly easy to turn out this good.

next time i might put some lemon juice in to zest up the soup. i probably would have used 1 onion and chopped it up too, but i didn't realize we had some still. i also considered putting potatoes in it, but we were out. i definitely would have added green peppers had we had them. (i just add those to everything almost haha)

well, to anyone who tries this, including me in a few weeks: good luck!

songs..i like...

D'Artagnan's Theme - Citizen Cope
Free - Donavon Frankenreiter
I don't trust myself - John Mayer
On and On - Jack Johnson
Drink the water - Jack Johnson
Two - Ryan Adams
Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper
Sing, Theresa Says - Greg Laswell
Do What I Can - Greg Laswell
Roses & Hips - Keren Ann


...i will be adding to this...

citizen cope - sideways

these feelings won't go away
they keep knocking me sideways...

someone said once that someone said once :) that "music is what feeling sounds like"

i can't get over this song... it washes over me...moves me... 'knocks me sideways'

it's amazing how you can think back to times...even years ago and still feel what you felt... the joy, the shame....the comfort or the pain... the touch... the words..

life is so complex... there's so much that it offers... and so much that it's already taken away... i guess it all adds up to something beautiful...

it's just crazy how two people can have such radically different experiences... even if the come from similar places...or even the same place.

and one moment can offset what happens in all the rest...one decision can lead you down a path completely opposing all those you've taken before...

Lead me in the way of Righteousness, Oh Lord. You are my God, my Salvation, my Hope. Lead me in the way of Love, Oh Lord. I bow to you like the ice covered trees bow to the sun... melt this off of me. free me. let the light hit my roots again... thaw me out of these frozen chains... I want to know you more...