good

remember, oh man, that you are dust...and to dust you will return

...................

what a hectic week. moved into my new place. quite the locale for get togethers and all my hobbies and space and peace and quiet. i have fireflies in my front&back yards in the evenings. i have yards. i have a driveway to park my car and a front porch to tie my bike to. so far, i believe i a have a roommate just as eager as i am to create a place people feel welcome to come and enjoy.

i had a cookout for some friends this week also. i made bluecheese stuffed burgers on whole wheat buns, blackbean&rice stuffed green bell peppers, seasoned corn on the cob and fresh watermelon. it was great.

and on my way to work yesterday i got a flat tire and lost some cheese :)

beautiful.

i'm so thankful for this time in my life where i have time to absorb myself in my hobbies, my friends, and all good things.

there's still this inner pull to want more though. always present with me it seems. i think the purpose of this wonderful space of time i have now is to develop the skills that will help me be ready for more when it comes. i still have a lot of areas of character and habits that could improve for the better.

don't forget to water your garden!!!!

.

i miss the swell of you
swole over a heart gone cold
those warm hands over my cool bones
sweet lips on my fingertips
like a shower for my soul

i’d drench down and shake my hair
pull you in to feel you there
close my eyes and soak you in
i’d melt...once again. once again.
i’d melt

i miss the pure and clean and good
dancing in the sun the way one should
with your arms around me
your words surround me
and set me free

and i dance.
i dance with you inside of me

oh i miss the swell of you.

spending

i'm kind of surprised at myself.

i've been without my wallet since the late night of the 20th.

i only realized i lost it on the morning of the 21st.

one day wasn't that much of a problem.

i've already written two checks.

can i really not go 4 days without spending money.

or three days?!

i kind of consider myself a frugal dweller, but apparently i'm not.

i'm not!

this needs to end.

i should not need to spend money every day, every other day, or every three days.

i should be able to live without spending for longer than that.

i think i am getting better, but the number of times in the last 3 days that i've thought: "i'd go get this if i only had my debit card" kind of makes me sick.

the here and now

... instead of trying to create experiences and relationships and 'life'...i'm trying to take things as they come. read the pages in front of me, as it were. it seems like the things that i try to build up from nothing or have to reach out of my existence to obtain are not as simple or sweet as the life that just comes to me. they're almost unnatural. i don't know... i guess life is kind of like a wooden bridge...you have to cross each plank to get to the next one...and they all might have been eaten by the weather in different ways, but crossing them gets you over....and whatever you're crossing over kind of looks different depending on where you are on the bridge, right?

i'm not sure what to think about this little corner of time i've found myself in either tho. it's stable to some extent. i spent many of my last few off days quilting, going to my garden, drinking tea. i did get a tattoo so that's a little out there. (technically unnatural, but it felt natural.) a bike on my left clavicle. i biked there. drank some margaritas with my girls and biked home.

so i find myself here in one of the larger cities of kentucky...colorful, vibrant...full of good music, green thumbs, and great beer. it's sweet.

where am i? what am i doing here?

i don't know.

i think that's the way it will be for most of life. unless you have some awesome purpose.

but i'm learning not to always be waiting. always be looking for the next thing.

some of my purposes are...

love people

be productive

be creative

learn

cooking.

somehow i think i just made something delicious.

i cook randomly and at random. ...just throwing thing in that i might think would taste nice.

so....

i had a couple handfuls of wilting spinach and kale from my garden and knew i needed to do something with it. that's where it started.

1/5 onion: chopped

1 green pepper: chopped

2 cloves garlic: chopped

2-3 tbs. oil (olive, grape, whatever...)

i kinda stir fried these up in my cast iron skillet (i would usually use more onion...it's just what i had)

when they were to my desired tenderness i added:

~3 tbs kilimanjaro sunrise ginger syrup

1 can kidney beans (wanted black beans, but again...what i had)

1 can of cream corn (i meant for it to be normal corn, but.... i opened it

and it surprised me! ...now i didn't have to add any sugar...

2 handfuls of spinach and kale: i wadded them up in my hand and sliced them

in small slices slightly sifting them out the end...

.... like i learned to do in africa.

2 leaves from my onion (kind of like chives....i just did this because

i didn't have any more onion)

2-3 tsp seasoning salt

2 tbs sambal oelek fresh ground chili paste

i think that's all...

oh, brown rice! :) make it separate and lay this topping over it.

...

frail and pale

this one legged sack of potatoes

used to be a man...as tall as me

we turn him every few hours to help prevent bed sores

every half hour because he calls us in out of discomfort.

out of loneliness.

out of the dark.

cold eyes

grey and glazed

look up to no where

at me, through me, past me

to the walls the skies

whatever lies behind...

a cold ass heart comes in

to question

asking when's his time to die..

who wants his body

do i have to bury him

his wife

not even accepted for science

alone in the dark

death looms over him

not even i can see

the weight of his obscurity

not even touch can matter now

facing the darkness that shades his brow

holding his hand, offering care

he could barely see me there...

i can't express what it's like to watch someone waiting alone for death to come.

you can't fix anything at that point

eyes stapled to your destination

when will it end?

daily

we live like there's no one out there.
it's just us and our jobs and our coffee.
our books and our photos...
like no body is out there suffering
nobody is out there dying
due to inequalities
soldiers call "at-ease"
while they're
losing limbs due to tragedies
due to greed, their virginities
defiled and unreconciled
hungry and poor
a new breed, a different cali-bore
displaced
perhaps according to race
sheltered by tarps
world tainted blue
blue grass, blue eyes
blue rice and grass stew
a super human strength
to suffer and survive
and we just have to turn over
drink our coffee
live our lives....