smitten

...it's official...
like it wasn't before

he's risking me falling for him....
...if i haven't already....
those dreams...
those schemes...
those eyes....

take me with you....

3 am

don't worry...i haven't been up this late surfing the web.... today, this early morning, which is all of your tomorrow's... whatever...i just met my preceptor...the woman i'm supposed to follow for 120 hours and learn how to be a nurse from: God help me. She's laid back. i'm laid back. that's cool right? hmm.. no! because if i only learn how to be a laid back nurse....ush.... my poor patients. they need a nurse on her toes. a nurse expecting the unexpected. a nurse ready to jump at the slightest drop or abnormality in status. a nurse who will notice the unnoticeable. they need a nurse who knows what the hell ketones are (i'm sorry mrs. atwood...I FORGOT that ketones in the urine signifies a happenin DKA). I have so much to learn... or actually just so much to remember. why didn't i study harder? why did i waste so much time?

in the next 8 months... i could become one of two things. 1) a college graduate with a ADN (plus tons of undergraduate general ed hours) ready to take on the world and pass the NCLEX or 2) a 4-year college student with tons of gen ed, a year and a half of nursing classes, and nothing to do with it because she failed med surg II.

i don't have enough money or courage to stay at this college for another semester! if i don't pass....gosh...what the heck can i offer to the world? i'm not as desperately scared as i have been in the past, but.... my right eye is twitching... has been the whole day... i think i have some suppressed stress in my life.

regardless of the outcomes of this course....well... i'm not sure really.... sell everything i own to pay for an extra semester? maybe. ...maybe.

but i'm going to pass i think. i'm going to be a nurse i hope. i'm going to help people i'll try. i'm going to save people. i'm going to make a difference. i'm going to do great things. i'm going to heal people. i'm going to love people. i'm going... to the nations... to the wounded hearts...to the empty hands... to the desperate...the broken....the orphans....the widows...the world.

.....

i don't know why i'm so desperate to make a difference... it's like maybe my life isn't worth anything unless it has a positive effect on another person... it feels a little bare right now... i want to go to china to pick up one of those babies... i know i know...there are differences you can make here... i will... it's hard to find them in a christian campus where everyone has their windshields tinted and their hearts in cages....God forbid someone see in... (i'm guilty too).... i want to learn to be free here in corporate america before i go somewhere else tho... i wonder if it's possible... i'm a bird meant to fly....
i was sitting in the ER yesterday.... waiting for a good friend to finish getting her tour of the area she'll be working in for the next couple months... i didn't see anyone in real bad shape, but...they were in the emergency room soooooo.... obviously something was bothering them. i hesitated praying for them because i was wearing my white scrubs with my name and CU on it...i let the opportunity slip by.... maybe i wouldn't have been the only one going home that day had i decided to risk it... what could they do to me anyway? that'd be a little hypocritical to punish me for praying while i represent a christian school... i hate fear and cowardlinesses. especially when it's not really a risk... gosh! ridiculous... let loose of me, world....

change

http://www.channel4.com/fourdocs/archive/the_dying_room_player.html

...i guess the most difficult thing is what to do...i want to save them all, you know...

i hope i die a young death if ever i decide to be apathetic towards the suffering going on in the world. really.

i will act.

lord, wet our hearts and open our eyes. God forbid I use all the resources I've been born into on my own 'successes'.... God forbid I neglect my own sons and daughters, brothers and sisters...


There's so much pain in so much of the world... even in our very midst... we can ALL make a difference.
"...love the one in front of you..." - heidi baker

bam.

"jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people." - matt 4:23

just like that.

transparency

sometimes i'm tempted to tell everyone everything about my life... i don't know why i feel so driven to be transparent...to lay out my heart... i don't have anything to show off that's for sure.... my life is the image of brokenness and sometimes bondage.... i have sin in my life that has been with me since 8th grade... and i want to tell them about the freedom found in Christ? it doesn't make much sense does it? ...not to me either. your guess is as good as mine.

ooh but the freedom that's in Christ... shewt... what freedom, you say? well... the freedom to be broken...the freedom to be... the freedom to find life amidst death... it's there...i want it. i've tasted it.

tonight at bcm was so sweet. worship was incredible. Lord YOU are so sweet. i want everyone to feel it...to find it... to be set free to be....

oh, but transparency is good. i think because the Lord can use to it relate to people. i once heard this story about a boy who never had been to church and they were going on a youth trip. well, it rained and the car got stuck or something and the pastor/busdriver got out to fix it, got mad and cussed....of course, he felt guilty for 'ruining his witness,' but regardless that little boy got saved that weekend and when the pastor asked him, 'how?'..... 'well,' said the little boy...'i figured if i God could save someone like you, he could save someone like me too.'

i'm not going to begin to act like my life is together... shewt... i'm definitely a broken vessel... .maybe you think i'm foolish to think sharing my dirt can change people...i dunno.. i've said it before: the Lord was, is, and will ever be the hope of the world...regardless of my faithfulness (or anything else for that matter)....thank you Jesus...but i hear the Lord likes to use our weakness to show his strength... so... it's transparency over opaque for me... just for the chance of setting one person free...

if i go crazy...will you still be my friend?

i believe the Lord wants to heal sick people...
i believe sometimes God tells me things about people and their lives...
i believe God tells me things about life...about today and tomorrow...
i believe in supernatural powers...
i believe in real miracles...
i believe in the impossible...
i believe that i can set people free through the power of God...
i believe that i am a vessel of the love of God...
i believe there is power in my hands...
sometimes people get hot when i touch them...
i believe i am the Living One's hands and feet and mouth and....

i go to wal*mart to ask if i can pray for people....
sometimes i expect them to get healed...
sometimes i just want to see their hearts healed...
i pray out loud and in words unknown to human ears....
i wanna give away everything i have...
i spent valentine's night worshiping an unseen Lover...
sometimes that unseen Lover kisses me...
i would rather be loved by that Lover than any lover the world could offer....

sometimes i act like all of this is not true...
usually i'm willing to sacrifice everything in order to taste a bit of it...
always are my hopes and dreams rooted and grounded in seeing it come out in my life....

regardless of everything that has ever been, is now, or ever will be: i have seen the Lord do miracles through my mouth and hands. it is something worth waiting for, worth fighting for, worth dying for....

dadada....

guitar...soul soothing melody
+
wine...mind numbing substance
=
nice night

W.I.P.

check out my work in progress:oh wait....i meant to put this: (haha)

love day

it's love day... :)
i love love day

lord, i won't tie my yoke
with any other kinda oke
than one who
wants to
run after you

you've read my heart
been in my dreams
can't be satisfied
by lifeless
unwild things

i wanna soar
i wanna fling
away those worldly
heavy things

i wanna take a lovers hand
kiss the stars with my heart
scour the land
with love
with love

overflow

I wanna singWhile the ocean sleepsI wanna feelwhat its like to be freeI wanna to seewhat you see in meI wanna know how it feels to believeI feel lost somehow im drifting away Was almost gone, you brought me to life again so let me be your lighthouseand i'll help you find a way outof hereI see the tide is commingdont let it take you away from metheres no way im jumping over I know its your love that saved me-part of the lyrics to Lighthouse by Hope

He came to give us life
not just life, but life abundantly
not just a ticket out of hell
but a life of dreams come true
passion, battles, and storms of He and you

He came to set us free
from strongholds and misery
not just a promise of days to come
but of a story that's ready and waiting
a fairytale that's already begun

He came to set us free
free to search, explore and dream
free to roam and master things
free to grow, fall, and fling
away those heavy worldly things
free to be
free to be



....sometimes i get this burning in my chest...this feeling wells up ... His desire to set us free is so great... His desire for us is as real and intense as the aches in our heart for something more... i don't know how to express this emotion in words... it's like i could rip my heart out of my chest and fling it into the air... and as it falls somehow it sprouts wings and soars.... He wants to set us free .... free from what? free from social norms? free from strongholds? free of ourselves?
free to soar... free to dream... free to be.... just be.... free to walk on water and mend the broken hearted...free to touch the hidden heart and open it to the light of love... free to explore the opportunities and adventures of the kingdom...free to run and take from the rooms of glory whatever we fancy... free to open the chests of the king, try on His clothes, and take on the image of royalty.... free to rise up as leaders... free to speak from the fountain of our hearts... free to live as we dare.... free to put our strongholds and sins in the graves they belong in... free to take on the cloak of joy, dance in the rain of power, and pour out the wine on the world around us...

may your Kingdom come
may your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven

the mysteries of music

sometimes i wonder what life was like before i heard a particular song... what was it like without hearing those words... without feeling the things i feel when i listen to it...never experiencing that particular emotion....never getting lost in that specific tune... geez...how's it so captivating... the mysteries of music.... like my soul's found harmony in it's notes...peace in it's melody... ...i know it's corny... but really...

west coast - coconut records

horizon

not gonna lie lord.. i'm a little desperate for you now... you're a God of freedom, right?

why'm i holding strong to these strongholds
gasping for air drownin in the seas of empty
clinging to the frayed edges of patchwork happy
when you promised victory to me

while victory promised rises on the horizon
while victory promised rises on the horizon
victory is on the horizon

why'm i tapping my toes to the music of my foes
dreamin i gotta wake up with yesterday's woe
drippin from the seams i forget what it means
to hope in the promise, what it means to be free

while freedom promised rises on the horizon
while freedom promised rises on the horizon
freedom is on the horizon

where'd i put my rose-colored glasses
must've lost em on the way to those classes
twist my mind and steal my hopes
wish i could hang these books from deaths own ropes

while hope promised rises on the horizon
while hope promised rises on the horizon
hope is on the horizon

kingdom come within this pauper's reach
wanna dance in the sands of freedom's beach
race through hope fields in mercy lands
praise to the one who mends with his own hands
i see the victory risin on the horizon

yeah freedom rises on the horizon
yeah hope rises on the horizon
victory is on the horizon


i wanna see your kingdom come lord... i wanna see the son shine bright...i wanna see it shine in the lives of my friends...the lives of my fathers..in my own heart.....

G D Em C

dreams

they say you should make a list of your dreams....i guess what you wanna see come out of your life....

well...

i want adventure...
i want love...
i want babies...
i want to give hope to those people that lost the spark in their eyes...
i want to kiss strangers with my words...
...i think that may just be it...

ghandi says that we should be the change that we want to see in the world...

i feel like someone is trying to steal something from me.

it's not gonna happen.