.

i miss the swell of you
swole over a heart gone cold
those warm hands over my cool bones
sweet lips on my fingertips
like a shower for my soul

i’d drench down and shake my hair
pull you in to feel you there
close my eyes and soak you in
i’d melt...once again. once again.
i’d melt

i miss the pure and clean and good
dancing in the sun the way one should
with your arms around me
your words surround me
and set me free

and i dance.
i dance with you inside of me

oh i miss the swell of you.

spending

i'm kind of surprised at myself.

i've been without my wallet since the late night of the 20th.

i only realized i lost it on the morning of the 21st.

one day wasn't that much of a problem.

i've already written two checks.

can i really not go 4 days without spending money.

or three days?!

i kind of consider myself a frugal dweller, but apparently i'm not.

i'm not!

this needs to end.

i should not need to spend money every day, every other day, or every three days.

i should be able to live without spending for longer than that.

i think i am getting better, but the number of times in the last 3 days that i've thought: "i'd go get this if i only had my debit card" kind of makes me sick.

the here and now

... instead of trying to create experiences and relationships and 'life'...i'm trying to take things as they come. read the pages in front of me, as it were. it seems like the things that i try to build up from nothing or have to reach out of my existence to obtain are not as simple or sweet as the life that just comes to me. they're almost unnatural. i don't know... i guess life is kind of like a wooden bridge...you have to cross each plank to get to the next one...and they all might have been eaten by the weather in different ways, but crossing them gets you over....and whatever you're crossing over kind of looks different depending on where you are on the bridge, right?

i'm not sure what to think about this little corner of time i've found myself in either tho. it's stable to some extent. i spent many of my last few off days quilting, going to my garden, drinking tea. i did get a tattoo so that's a little out there. (technically unnatural, but it felt natural.) a bike on my left clavicle. i biked there. drank some margaritas with my girls and biked home.

so i find myself here in one of the larger cities of kentucky...colorful, vibrant...full of good music, green thumbs, and great beer. it's sweet.

where am i? what am i doing here?

i don't know.

i think that's the way it will be for most of life. unless you have some awesome purpose.

but i'm learning not to always be waiting. always be looking for the next thing.

some of my purposes are...

love people

be productive

be creative

learn

cooking.

somehow i think i just made something delicious.

i cook randomly and at random. ...just throwing thing in that i might think would taste nice.

so....

i had a couple handfuls of wilting spinach and kale from my garden and knew i needed to do something with it. that's where it started.

1/5 onion: chopped

1 green pepper: chopped

2 cloves garlic: chopped

2-3 tbs. oil (olive, grape, whatever...)

i kinda stir fried these up in my cast iron skillet (i would usually use more onion...it's just what i had)

when they were to my desired tenderness i added:

~3 tbs kilimanjaro sunrise ginger syrup

1 can kidney beans (wanted black beans, but again...what i had)

1 can of cream corn (i meant for it to be normal corn, but.... i opened it

and it surprised me! ...now i didn't have to add any sugar...

2 handfuls of spinach and kale: i wadded them up in my hand and sliced them

in small slices slightly sifting them out the end...

.... like i learned to do in africa.

2 leaves from my onion (kind of like chives....i just did this because

i didn't have any more onion)

2-3 tsp seasoning salt

2 tbs sambal oelek fresh ground chili paste

i think that's all...

oh, brown rice! :) make it separate and lay this topping over it.

...

frail and pale

this one legged sack of potatoes

used to be a man...as tall as me

we turn him every few hours to help prevent bed sores

every half hour because he calls us in out of discomfort.

out of loneliness.

out of the dark.

cold eyes

grey and glazed

look up to no where

at me, through me, past me

to the walls the skies

whatever lies behind...

a cold ass heart comes in

to question

asking when's his time to die..

who wants his body

do i have to bury him

his wife

not even accepted for science

alone in the dark

death looms over him

not even i can see

the weight of his obscurity

not even touch can matter now

facing the darkness that shades his brow

holding his hand, offering care

he could barely see me there...

i can't express what it's like to watch someone waiting alone for death to come.

you can't fix anything at that point

eyes stapled to your destination

when will it end?

daily

we live like there's no one out there.
it's just us and our jobs and our coffee.
our books and our photos...
like no body is out there suffering
nobody is out there dying
due to inequalities
soldiers call "at-ease"
while they're
losing limbs due to tragedies
due to greed, their virginities
defiled and unreconciled
hungry and poor
a new breed, a different cali-bore
displaced
perhaps according to race
sheltered by tarps
world tainted blue
blue grass, blue eyes
blue rice and grass stew
a super human strength
to suffer and survive
and we just have to turn over
drink our coffee
live our lives....

cellphone

the other day i was with a friend on my parent's new houseboat (serious.)

we had a few bottles that were empty and i was precariously handling some of them, along with my clothes...folded within the mass of freedom and entertainment was my cellphone. with no free hands, much less free fingers, i knobidly attempted to open the latch on the swing gate that would allow us to retreat from the fiery top deck to the cool, airconditioned ice chest below.

fwish: the sound of something leaving my arms and escaping through the silver-shined railings.
as i looked overboard,
klok: the sound (and sight) of my cellphone hitting just at the edge of the wooden walkway below..
plop: the sound (and sight) of my cellphone dipping into the murky brown waves that lapped calmly in the 1 foot space between the houseboat and the deck.

hmmm: the sound of me considering my new 'loss'

"oops" -me

and i continued my journey to coolness and recycling.



...since then it's been a little odd...i'll think to check if anyone's called or...perhaps a text.. i know tonight i'm going to have to set an alarm and...i don't have another one..
perhaps if i have any serious people calling me anytime soon...like about jobs or something...then i'll be missing it and having to make other opportunities to speak to people.
but for the most part, i like being extracted from another technology. i like that if someone wants to find me they'll have to try a little harder, maybe... or get skype. then we can talk face to face and i like that better anyways.

we'll see how long this lasts :)

gifts...

i just got my new sewing machine this last week. i sewed first a headband for myself and then a better one for a friend (below). i hope she likes it. :) ....

with all my free time i've been able to devote more attention to some of my "crafts". Looking forward to more creations in the future.

dinner

pop the pop top can...
peel back the tin.
smoked kipper herring
warmed in the oven
along with pita bread
greens from my garden
spinach and kale
smoked amish cheddar
sunset wheat ale.
slide down the cupboards
down to the floor
to the hardwood
green rug-ed floor


here i am.

HERE i am.
here I am.
here i AM.

here. i. am.

camping

wednesday sara and i went camping. i was in charge of most supplies and food. i ended up spending a lofty amount on supplies...but hopefully they'll be things that last me longterm.
we went to RRG and took our time the first day exploring.
Indian Staircase.
Half Moon Arch.
Those were my favorite of the first day.
Gray's Arch was my favorite of the second.
I found that the "unofficial" trails were MUCh more exciting and entertaining...even among those I found myself climbing up the more difficult areas rather than following the cut out path. There were a couple places I felt my fear rise up. Standing 15 feet or more off the ground and swinging myself across, my fingers holding onto one stone and my feet resting unassured on the inclined stones beneath me. Sara didn't follow me everywhere but that's probably a result of wisdom. I just like pushing myself....challenging myself.... knowing that if I make one wrong move I could slip, get a little hurt, break a leg. Most of the places i put myself to this test would only lead to (at worst) a broken leg.....it's so excited tho! in the face of such possible danger! i really felt exhilarated when I crawled around a 2-3 foot wide ledge anywhere between 30-50 feet from the cave floor. *sigh*.... adventure... risk... love...

We camped at Half Moon Arch the first night. It was a challenge to go up the cliff the first time....but I scaled it again alone at sunset to watch the lights go out over the landscape and some of the stars peep out. It was brilliant. And later that night some fellow campers hauled in next to us. They decided to take a late night stroll and climb up the Arch...which I probably knew wasn't the best idea, but couldn't help but join them. I'm glad I did, too. It was so black. We climbed out to the furthest ledge and sat in a little dip of the stone. There was so little surface that the night's light barely reflected off the surface we were sitting on....just a scant haze of grey a few inches around us and the stones faded off into blackness. All around us a line of blackened trees/hills created the horizon line....where a slight glow began and then faded off into an indigo night sky scattered with stars and satellites.
No worries...no one got hurt...thankfully...

All in all, I'm proud of myself. Sara and I set up camp. I built the fires while sara would gather more wood. I cooked and sara enjoyed (at least she said she did!!) It was a great learning adventure and I'm looking forward to the next time, which will only increase my backpacking/camping skills.