california day dreams

black rubber and stale bread behind me
fresh air and adventure ahead
i remember when
i first began
my trip to california

packed light, but still fit tight
estrogen high, drove day and night
on my trip to california

i had adventure on my mind
fancy streets filled with dancy people
fine arts and fashion hanging from the sky
new shoes and a glimmering sea
washing the old days away from me..

here i sit looking back to then
writings etched in concrete
words from the tongue
rarely fade away
and workaholic memories
never take a holiday

lacing up my salsa shoes
on feet of legs freshly shaven,
one step, new step, fresh step, more..
I work my way on out the door to..

..sip my cosmo, eat my nachos
and enjoy my conversation
questioning the experiences of the last 21 years
exploring possibilities of the next Two months...

...curiosity forms clouds indoors
comfort lies in satin sheets
two buck Chuck can hit the spot
hunger satisfied by sweets

a window to a starlit heaven
cradled by buildings as i dine
on coffee laced with caramel
and cheesecake smooth as wine
one sweet halted moment away from…

being lost in my black and red summer
morning to midnight, seven to twelve
takin orders and stocking the shelve
clocked into work, yet gone…
thinking of jalepeno nights
and a challenging four in a row
watching the clock
and wondering how
heels turn classy to hoe

i need to stop
this search for meaning in sweetbread
why'm i somehow filled with fried rice at three
maybe not an expensive thing
but plenty enough for me
now…

here I sit looking back to then
wondering when
they'll count the quarters in my till
and realize that I fall short still
no matter how bright my bathroom gleams
there's cracks in the frame of
my California day dreams

dos

...sure everyone has a heart, and feelings, and dreams, and desires... but most people have forgotten those things... they focus on the easiest thing to fill their hearts at the time... drinking, drugs, sex... their hearts are full of shadows...and cobwebs.. or there's just an emptiness to them... a hollowness.. ...i see me on the edge, you know? there's light in me... but am i willing to fight to let it out? ... i want freedom, but i'll have to sacrifice those things that are comforting me now... i know it's worth it... but is it worth it? ... i am one thing, but i'm also another... there are two sides to me. deliberately. i'm ashamed at my decisions and at the same time i sort of accept my fate...

summer vacancy

how shallow can i become?
i used to have such beautiful depth
pure sweet secrets
enclosed in a heart of pearl
a heart of flesh
and now
cobwebs catch from
stone's edge to stone's edge
and shadows fill the void

white water

... i suppose eventually after being caught in a whirl pool for so long, you eventually lose sight of which way is really up...it's possibly the most exhausting thing ever....sometimes tho...seems like i hit a sand bar and i can actually bring my face above the water to breathe for a moment...i can stand...i could walk away if i wanted to fight the strength of the current... but i let the pull take control of me... i disappear again into the white caps of confusion...

fresh

i guess it's time to start with a clean slate...can i do that? ...will society forgive me? will people take me for who i am...or will they only recognize who i was? i guess to some i'll have to prove myself (if that's what i want to focus on) ...and others will decide to take me for who i am, who i can be... and not what i've done... those are the ones i plan to stick to...

the air seems so fresh out here... perhaps because i haven't polluted it...perhaps because God's showing me i can have a second chance at things... i'm thankful... thanks, Lord...

geez...have things changed..i've been through hell and back...that's what it seems..and mostly by choice...I am learning that a great amount of passivity early on in a situation has led me to a year or two of indecisiveness and lack of confidence in my opinions, passions, and conscience. I have made enough mistakes for a lifetime.... I have let my Godly passions fly out the window, along with my goals and my standards for life. I have broken promises, held back the truth, and ignored everything except the dark whirlwind of guilt and shame. I saw nothing but clouds before my eyes and felt nothing but momentary satisfactions followed by instantaneous lack of hope.

and now i've separated myself from situations that had me bound...yet still i suffer from the consequences of my sinful, selfish behavior...however, i'm licking my wounds in a way.. the film around me is slowly wearing thin... freedom is at my fingertips...forgiveness at my door... the light of hope returning to the heart of darkness....

will i ever be the girl i used to be?

fizzled

so it really looks like blogger has fizzled out...guess not so many people are on here...which is good for me...cuz i kind of hated people i knew reading my crap ...people who i didn't really want inside my head....

so things...have changed. i had a man...and now i don't. i was this one girl...and now i'm another girl... kind of vague i know, but that's the best i can do.... i'm a working girl now...30 hours at least a week of work..not to mention 16 hours of classes and a little..okay...a LOT less than that for time spent on homework.... i'm not really the same girl that wrote all that other stuff...yeah...things have changed in the last year or so.... maybe (probably) it's because of the stuff i let seep into my life...the stuff that caught my off guard...but there was good in it...hidden underneath all the garbage there was good...a little glimmer of good....soo...i'm going to spend the next 6 months or prolly more taking out the trash that's piled up.... i really don't know where exactly to start.... it's kind of like walking into a room with dust and cobwebs and piles and piles and piles of clothes everywhere and your jewelry box dumped out in a corner and nonsense articles strewn about...and it makes such a unorganized insane clutter bath that you just sit there and stare for 20 minutes, staring into space thinking of who-knows-what, trying to get your mind off the impossible mess, but in the back of your head the whole time you're wondering where the hell you're supposed to start.... maybe someone will come along and help you get started, maybe you're stuck on you're own and you just gotta pull yourself together and pick up that first piece of trash that you'd wished you'd thrown away in the first place...oh well...i dunno.... Lord help me clean out my heart....