anxiety

i feel so embarrassed about how i'm living. in this nice apartment, stocked crazy full of food, with all the comforts and amenities one could want... i can't explain my feelings the other night when i handed over my card to purchase the unending pile of groceries...things we "needed." defeat set in...tears welled up in my eyes...it was unbearable...i felt like i was handing over my soul to the devil of consumption and comfort. the only thing that helped me go with it was the understanding that we wouldn't be shopping for at least a month, maybe two...and yet there on our fridge one day later is a gradually increasing list of more "needed" supplies because "variety is good" and we're striving for "efficiency."

dear God...give me understanding. this isn't what i've been waiting for. this isn't the position that i worked for in the last 2 years.

i realize we're being very generous with it... opening our home to friends and feeding them endlessly...i really enjoy the people...the sharing...

why am i not okay with it? i'm so anxious and unsatisfied....

i think i'd rather be the poor woman who gives everything than the rich man who gives a fraction....

the other day in the coffee shop i was sitting and talkin to God and being really restless and unsettled. finally He got my attention and asked, "Theresa, what if you're exactly where I want you...?"

i just don't know how to feel a peace about being in this land/path of comfort...this land of overflow.... i don't even know any strangers to give to...or any widows and orphans....not directly anyway....

and besides that....i still miss him... not anything in that one month...but the conversations...the talks... the equal thirst for more... ..........i don't know what to do, Lord....

Lord, help me be obedient...open my eyes.... open my ears....
i know i need to rest in you....to shush and listen....the peace is in the righteousness, yeah? the hope is in you....the truth is in your word.... would you lead me? i really want your best...

autumn winds'a blowin...

it's fall... i guess i've been here around a month and a half now... i've met a lot of cool people...and i think i've made a bit of a community here.... i feel more whole than i used to....i feel more hopeful... a hunger for God and knowing Him has grown in me...i just want His best.

hospital work is decent. i get to touch people, help people, give shots, and start IVs.... all the while making pretty killer cash....a quarter of which i've been trying to give away. (it's hard deciding where i should give...there's so many options).... ...it's real easy to get caught up in the work that needs to be done and miss out on hearing the patient's heart, but i think the more familiar i get with the movement of the hospital it will come easier.

there's still a bit of unrest... of wondering where i belong... i feel the time is coming...and soon.... but the time for what? .... i want to be ready....

if i stay broken
does he become the whole?
if i stay bruised
is he the only healing?
am i meant to be healed to stand alone?
or are brokenness and bruising a permanent state so that i'll always see my need for him?

i still miss him....

i miss...

today went really good...i learned so much... and everyone was so nice and great... and i think i'm gonna be okay and make an awesome nurse....

and now i'm crying because i miss my friends... and i don't want new ones... and i don't want everything to change all at once... and they're having fun without me... and i want them to spend the rest of their lives missing me.... not forgetting me and moving on without me...

...and i wonder if this is why i let friendships die when i move on...because it's too hard not to be missed...it's too hard to watch yourself get replaced...

i miss him.

things change

i guess we're friends... friends who like each other... beats me.

i keep wondering if i said enough... maybe i should have told him how crazy i was/am about him.. maybe i made him think i didn't think so much about him... but them i'm thinking...uhhh... he definitely had enough clues to know that if he wanted me..all he had to do was ask me to wait...and i'd wait til the world burned over... it's going to be odd getting over this one... but maybe not so hard... he didn't want me...or at least he wasn't ready for me... plain and simple. go on. live life. maybe one day he'll realize...but maybe not. ...i just thought we fit. we still fit. ...unfortunately it's not up to me.

i guess i have things to focus on...work...and the Lord. i want to learn what community is. i want to learn how the Lord wants me to live. maybe there isn't a specific way we're supposed to live...but i want to know where i, my being, my soul, would thrive, would grow, would develop most erratically.... i want to know the Lord... i want to know how to love people...i want to know the best way to use my position and possessions to display God's love...i want to change the world's way of thinking from that of hate to love, self-sustaining to sharing...i want to change my way of thinking too.... i think a lot of healing is going to have to take place... i think there are things i need to deal with before i'm ready for much else.... i think i need to learn how to deal with things.... i really wanna be whole...

new

i'm canceling all my RN-BSN classes... i'm scared i'm not gonna use my time wisely...

i wanna

greensleeves

he's getting married today...




...there's no way to include the silence in this...the weird vast empty silence...

and it looks like old dream-come-true is ending too soon for me... it's funny... i thought this was it... but here i am singing blue moon all over again only a month later...

it's kind of incredible how small i feel...
how unconnected and unable-to-control i feel...
how life has this course that i'm only able to join in on if i'm able to hang on and ride it out...

help me hang Lord...

day dream...

it all seems so poetic...
sitting here in this little street corner cafe sipping a sweet mocha while i tap away at my computer watching cars and people pass the windows...the steam rolling from my drink and the music buzzing from the ceiling... i'm a nurse working at a major hospital and soon volunteering part time in this small town while going to school part time furthering my education... it has a strong allure of romance and mystery... a calm story which romance will upset and tragedy would displace... i imagine i'm the lady sitting outside and this is my break from my kids..sitting there with my newspaper and coffee.... i imagine i'm a part of the couple in the corner whose friendship is budding into love...i imagine i'm the student i am, the nurse i am trying to find peace in the turmoil, in the storm....i imagine what it looks like from the outside in.... mine is a story in its own... and i wonder where this novel is heading... i could write it myself... a fabulous doctor; creative, intelligent, and strong... falls in love with the selfless, passionate nurse who asks the patient as much about their families and hopes as their medical history and illnesses....they get married right away, finish school, and go about volunteering to help and love people for the rest of their lives.. it would go on with crazy stories about giving away houses and half of their incomes and adopting babies from all over the world... but then i come back to this place...where my coffee is getting cold and my paper is due on tuesday and work starts in 12 hours... and i have to ask the Lord to protect me from those things i think i want and lead me in the way where my ultimate story will have the opportunity to be played out....